why is sex is always avoiding me?

[RdHrshyKss]

i need to vent...please indulge me

so my bf and i were up late tonight messing around on our laptops, doing our own thing. i said i was going to hit the hay soon, and he said he was too. as i was putting my laptop away he jumped into bed next to me, got in my face and in a really annoying, silly way asked me over and over, "wanna have sex, wanna have sex, wanna have sex".

neither of us have had sex in awhile due to issues in our relationship and the idea of having sex intrigued me, just that his whole approach was totally turning me off. for any of you HIMYM fans, this pretty much reminded me of barney's challenge of picking up girls by talking like a school boy, it was disturbing. i told him i wasn't sure, that he was being a little too silly for me and that i was going to go get ready for bed.

when i come back from the bathroom he's sprawled across the entire bed, with his boxers hanging off his ass and his head hanging off the edge of the bed. he asks me who he reminds me of. i'm confused. he asks again. i say i have no idea. he says luigi. our cat, luigi, has this habit of laying on furniture with his head hanging off the edge. it's sorta funny to see, but this image of my bf wasn't. i already told him i wasn't in a silly mood...i guess he thought my mood might change within the span of a few minutes?

anyways, i get into bed. he asks me what i was thinking about and i say nothing much. he then proceeds to get out of bed, grab his laptop and head towards the bathroom. i know what this means. this means he's going to masturbate. i call after him, "that's it? that was your attempt at initiating sex with me?" he goes yeah, that i wouldn't open up and he's done trying. this pissed me off. once again, we come across a situation where i feel like i've made it clear how i'm feeling and my bf has decided to completely ignore it and continue down this path that obviously isn't working...then blame me for it's failure.

i'm obviously offended that he is being very blatant and offensive with the masturbation thing. i tell him that i had already told him i wasn't in a silly mood and that the way he approached me about it was a total turn off. that i had made that clear to him before i left to clean up for bed, and that he could have easily changed up his game a smidge if he was really interested in having sex with me. what do they say? a crazy person is someone who continues to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? yeah...that's definitely it.

he says that he was planning on being more romantic, but that since i wasn't straightforward with him about whether i wanted sex or not, i lost my chance...then he walked into the bathroom and closed the door. i lost my chance? what the hell? great choice of words buddy. i follow him into the bathroom and tell him that i consider the "asking whether i'm in the mood for sex" as a part of the initiation, the foreplay. he told me he'd consider it next time and gave me this look like "are we done? i want to masturbate now." at that point, i gave up. i didn't want sex anymore, especially not with this tool.

what is up with guys and their lack of ability to get clear as day signals? i told him straight up i wasn't in a silly mood...what else did he need?

yeah, so my bf whacked off and i got no action, as usual. i am going to be SOOO exhausted tomorrow.

[MerryH]

what is up with guys and their lack of ability to get clear as day signals? i told him straight up i wasn't in a silly mood...what else did he need?

I don't know, he was also giving pretty clear signals. If it were him posting a thread about it he'd probably say "I was trying to get my girlfriend to lighten up and laugh and be silly with me, hopefully it would lead to some sex, but instead she just got mad at me so I left. Why doesn't she get my signals? Thoughts, opinions, advice welcome."

I know his approach was not slick by any means, but how can you not laugh at his Luigi impersonation?

[BeingAlpha]

I would imagine that you want some sort of romance..maybe some kissing; a gentle caress or even a massage to initiate sex. I don't know of many girls who want to be asked if they want anything -- in that fashion or another. Your BF isn't trying very hard to romance you. I am not surprised that you haven't had sex in a while....I don't think I have ever asked a girl directly if she wanted sex; I just started kissing the back of her neck etc.. and then we ended up having sex. This just seems strange...sorry.

[hello1]

I think he enjoying teasing you and hurting your feelings. If I was you I tell him how pathetic he was and he is welcome to having sex with his hand

[RdHrshyKss]

I don't know, he was also giving pretty clear signals. If it were him posting a thread about it he'd probably say "I was trying to get my girlfriend to lighten up and laugh and be silly with me, hopefully it would lead to some sex, but instead she just got mad at me so I left. Why doesn't she get my signals? Thoughts, opinions, advice welcome."

I know his approach was not slick by any means, but how can you not laugh at his Luigi impersonation?

you're right, i just wasn't in the right mindset. i guess what was going on through my mind was that i had already told him i wasn't in much of a silly mood, and he just sorta ignored me. i'm not saying that there haven't been times when his silliness has sorta been cute, but i have to be in more of a lighthearted mood for it to work, and i just wasn't.

i personally don't think he tried very hard at all. yeah, maybe he took me as being too difficult, but i didn't turn him down completely. we've been together for 4 years...he knows when the idea of sex is out the window, it definitely wasn't like that last night. towards the end he just took it to another level, an offensive and deliberate way of telling me that he isn't interesting in working with me on anything. it's his way or the highway...in the past i would have taken it personally because i've always tried to be optimistic about our relationship. now i'm just at the point where i don't really care. when he goes off into his hurtful antics, i just give up.

[RdHrshyKss]

I would imagine that you want some sort of romance..maybe some kissing; a gentle caress or even a massage to initiate sex. I don't know of many girls who want to be asked if they want anything -- in that fashion or another. Your BF isn't trying very hard to romance you. I am not surprised that you haven't had sex in a while....I don't think I have ever asked a girl directly if she wanted sex; I just started kissing the back of her neck etc.. and then we ended up having sex. This just seems strange...sorry.

you hit the nose there. he literally did blatantly ask me if i wanted sex, no romance, no nothing. how many guys on this forum do this with their significant others? just go up to their girls, ask "hey, you wanna have sex?" and have no problems? maybe there are some guys that can do this, who have girls that are a little easier to initiate with, but i enjoy some more complexity to it. i want my guy to try to earn my interest. i try to do the same for him. i mean, literally an hour before this little incident i went into the bedroom and tried kissing him and he was being all difficult and silly. saying he didn't want me to kiss him. well, i took his head and forced one on him and tried kissing him a little passionately so that he could catch my vibe. i didn't give up and say, oh well i'm going to go make out with this blow up doll i have over here because you don't want to kiss me...i didn't make a big stink about it. i know he needed a little enticing and that's what i did. i just don't get that from him.

[Boisdevie]

You do not have to ask for sex - that would be a real turnoff. Simply, you start off by kissing and then go from there. He needs to learn how to woo a woman and pretending to be a cat does not work. He sounds like a jerk

[RdHrshyKss]

You do not have to ask for sex - that would be a real turnoff. Simply, you start off by kissing and then go from there. He needs to learn how to woo a woman and pretending to be a cat does not work. He sounds like a jerk

haha, thank you! i know i'm not going crazy here. i might be a little too demanding sometimes, but i seriously don't think i was in this situation. in fact, i think i kept my cool rather well.

[Incognito]

Unfortunately this sort of thing is common when relationships are strained. He already had a backup plan and therefore went right to it once he didn't get the response he wanted from you. I think that its bullshit that you had to force him to kiss you, and then he acts like a 11 year old dumbass expecting to have sex. We men aren't the best at sensing vibes or taking hints sometimes, but I certainly don't think that I'd have hung myself off the bed and played "guess who?" in an attempt to have sex after you stated that you weren't in a silly mood. He should have said "ok", got up and followed you to the bathroom, grabbed your hips gently, kissed your neck and said "what kind of mood are you in?

[RdHrshyKss]

He should have said "ok", got up and followed you to the bathroom, grabbed your hips gently, kissed your neck and said "what kind of mood are you in?

yeah, that would have definitely worked HAHA

[Boisdevie]

yeah, that would have definitely worked HAHA

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So find an adult who can give you what you need. Not some idiot who has no idea - you deserve better

[RdHrshyKss]

So find an adult who can give you what you need. Not some idiot who has no idea - you deserve better

i have a few more months to go until our lease is up. although, when i do become single, i think i'm going to stay that way for awhile. i need to steer clear from any of that emotional baggage for a bit and figure myself out. as much as i like to rant about his screw ups, i have some of my own. time to address that shit and nip it in the butt so i don't come across this kinda stuff again later. thanks guys.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like a combination of things to me. You two haven't had sex in a while due to whatever problems, and he probably figured he wasn't getting any from the get go, so after his attempt failed, he moved on. I think he was picking up on one of you "clear" signals, taking "I'm not in a silly mood." to mean "I'm not interested in sex". I probably would have taken it that way, though I wouldn't have acted as he did afterward either, probably just resentment.

Why don't you break up with him now and start moving on, if there's already an expiration date?

[RdHrshyKss]

eh, i would if i could, but it's a bit more complicated. we live together and i'm going to be moving back home, but my rents have to sort of prepare for me coming home and i don't want to put pressure on them or rush them. i told them that i would be moving home at the end of the lease, so i'm going to stick to that. if things become absolutely unbearable, i'm not against going home early. but i haven't hit that threshold yet. i'm just sorta indifferent right now.

and i didn't want to get too descriptive, but he knew i was in the mood. i cleaned up for him so to speak...like really cleaned up for him, and he noticed that when he had jumped into bed with me and had whipped up the covers before he started with the whole "wanna have sex? wanna have sex?" shit. he knew i was interested, which might have even instigated him blatantly asking me about sex. he probably wouldn't have even attempted initiating if he hadn't had whipped up those covers and seen me naked. come to speak of it, if he hadn't initiated last night, i probably would have gotten laid because i would have done the initiating. i seriously just think he's lazy and doesn't want to put any effort into turning me on. he doesn't have too strong of feelings for me anymore, so he didn't feel too bad about acting the way he did. whatever, if he'd rather his hand over my cleanly shaved, lotioned-up vagina...it's his loss right?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Judging by this thread, it sounds like your loss. You did all that work for nothing, he did minimal work and got his.

Anyway, I didn't ask, "why don't you move out?". I asked, "why don't you break up with him?"