Wife Enjoys Nothing....

[BrownDog52469]

Before my wife started working again after our children, I always made it a point to say goodbye in the morning and kiss her, even if all I got was the top of her head, and even if I was mad or otherwise not feeling into it. It was one of those things that I did despite our problems to maintain some connection. Since she started working she has been leaving the house before me. No kiss goodbye…..shit, she doesn’t even say goodbye or even tell me she’s leaving for that matter. Most mornings I look outside and see her car is gone.

Intimacy is the same way; despite our issues I’ve always tried to maintain a connection on that level. After this past weekend we needed to talk….to connect……we needed something. Last night she went to bed right at 8:30, as usual, when the kids went to bed. Despite it only being 8 frek’n 30, despite wanting to just relax and play guitar, watch tv, read and despite any number of other things I’d rather be doing at 8:30 I crawled in bed with her; just to maintain some contact; to try to connect again. I cuddled up to her for a while. Then I rubbed her back, her neck, her shoulders. She didn’t say a word, no acknowledgement of any kind. She kept her back to me. When my fingers finally gave out I actually had to roll her over just to face me. I’d say we kissed, but that implies that both of us we’re involved. I’ll skip the details, but we made love…..or maybe I made love to her is a better description. I took my time, was romantic, kissed her in all the right places….spending lots of extra time at the very special ones. I was attentive, did everything to make her feel good. As I said, “I made love to her” pretty much sums it up……she barely participated; “tolerated” it was more like it. I’d say maybe she just wasn’t into it last night, but it’s always this way. After, she laid with her back to me; no cuddling, no ‘after-glow’…..okay, not to sound like ‘the woman’ in the relationship lol, but it was just…..well, cold. We needed to talk….I asked her if she even enjoyed ‘that’. Without turning to face me, she said… “huh”? I then asked if she even enjoyed making love anymore? She said nothing…. I propped myself up on my elbow so she knew I was waiting for an answer. With her back turned to me she said “It’s too long.” (No, I’m not trying to brag; that’s actually what she said….she was referring to ‘time’ however. Lol) I sat up and asked her what does she enjoy doing with me? She kept turned away from me and just said “what?”. I said it could be anything, just tell me something you enjoy doing with me…..you know just some common ground to start from. She said nothing!! I sighed…she asked “are you that miserable? You make me feel like you’re bored all the time.” I asked her where she has been for the last few years. I told her I don’t feel like I have a companion anymore. She said nothing. With her back still turned toward me it was clear the conversation was over.

Admitedly, we have our problems. We lack communication, companionship, friendship. I've been struggling with this for several years. I ask her to tell me something she enjoys doing with me and she comes up with nothing?!?!? How can someone be content to be in a marriage like that. What do I do?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"We lack communication, companionship, friendship. I've been struggling with this for several years. I ask her to tell me something she enjoys doing with me and she comes up with nothing?!?!? How can someone be content to be in a marriage like that. What do I do?"

Write up a separation agreement, and give it to her. Move out for a while and figure out if this relationship is going to work for you.

[DDD]

You aren't going to want to hear this but she has her attention on someone else. Your situation was just like my cousin's was. His wife used to stay at home and that was her only world. Then when she returned to work, she met new people and friends including new men. Soon she found something that was new, refreshing, and fun with a new guy she met at her new office. My cousin is not a bad guy, he's really cool but us men need to understand that males aren't the only ones that get excited about that "new car feeling". His wife started sending messages on her cell to this other guy, facebook, myspace, etc... Then they had a lunch meeting together just "because". We are human........ so I will not say anything bad about your wife because you too could fall into the same quicksand but for right now someone else has her attention. She is in a world of her own that she thinks is the "fairy tale bliss" but most of the time when a relationship starts out by infidelity, that relationship will soon die too because you have already demonstrated from the begining that you are a cheater. So, depending on how long or how far she has taken this or willing to take it, take comfort in knowing it wont last... they never do. However, that doesn't solve your problem now. Here is what I suggest and I know it's easier said then done. Call her out on it in a very polite manner. Tell her that you believe her actions and that it's not looking good. Sit her down and discuss divorce to her because if she has just one ounce of spark left in her, it will wake her up. You will cause her to think she doesn't have control of the situation anymore. Tell her that you feel there is someone else but if you are the angry asshole type you better keep a lid on that if you want this to work because when us men get pissed off and act like gorillas, women tune us OUT! If you come accross calm and cool and that you have accepted this, it will knock her off the horse. Right now you are kissing her ass metaphorically speaking but she is controlling the situation now. Take that control away and make her feel that you are opening the gate to freedom but should she choose it, the gate will close and not reopen. By you taking a stand and being what I call "CAREfrontational" not confrontational, you will show her that you care enought to try but are going to force her to make a choice because you have your dignity.

I hope this helps.... We are here for you man!! Good luck!!

[vashti]

I disagree with the prior poster. Just because she isn't interested in YOU doesn't necessarily mean she is interested in anyone else.

You need some counseling to determine whether or not this marriage has a future.

[Applesauce]

I disagree with the prior poster. It sounds like your wife has a new interest and you've taken a backseat

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Like I said, get that separation agreement drafted as soon as possible and let her know that you need time to yourself to decide what to do about you loveless marriage. I'm not going to go as far as to say she's found a new interest, but it's definitely number 1 on the list of probable reasons she's been distancing herself. Don't cry, beg, or plead with her for answers, just give her that agreement and ask her to sign it.

[RdHrshyKss]

i agree with vashti...don't jump the gun here, there is no way to know exactly what her problem is. how long has it been since she gave birth to your last child? it could be hormonal...but her lack of willingness to communicate with you about it is a major problem. some couples counselling might help you two reconnect, but she needs to be willing.

sounds like you are making a decent effort, so talk to her about this. let her know how you are feeling, tell her you are concerned about how she is feeling, suggest counselling for the sake of your marriage and your kids...if she is unwilling to communicate/compromise here, then i'd say the whole cheating thing is a possibility. since there are children involved, i'd say try your best to reconcile, but if she isn't willing to work with you on this, then you really won't have any other choice than to separate. if you don't, your kids will know your marriage is crap and that's no example to lead. they'd be much better off with you two living separately and happy, then living together and miserable.

[Agape]

Your last paragraph is worrying . . . but you're married and you have kids and she's also working - so it's probably a lot for her. . . as Vashi said, try marriage councelling

[IncognitoSir]

Wow, she's pretty heartless. You could try counseling, but what are the odds that a woman who won't even answer a simple question in the bed actually go to counseling with you? She doesn't even respect you enough to give you any insight into whats bothering her, but she'll go to counseling? I don't see it happening. Keep your options open man and don't get to optimistic, everything you mentioned was quite dreadful.

[RdHrshyKss]

I'm not telling you to run for the hills, but I think you need to explore the issue in depth. My wife was the same way when we married. Since then her one or two friends have faded away and she makes no attempts at reviving the friendships or forming new ones. Sadly, this same attitude exists toward me. I don't feel she is a friend or a companion anymore. She is perfectly content this way. It is a real problem for me. Being lonely AND married is a horrible fate.

i saw this in another thread and wanted to post it here. it really sounds like your wife might be suffering from depression. and if it is depression, she might be avoiding anything that might lead into discussion about it. counselling would really be able to help you guys...and a personal therapist for her might be really helpful as well. but like i said before, she has to be willing and in order to approach her about this you need to be extremely sensitive and supportive. she needs to feel like you are trying to help her, not complain or blame her for your issues. it's a shitty situation, but if you really love her and want to make the marriage work, you need to work with her on this and patient.

[BrownDog52469]

Hey guys, thanks for your thoughts. I'm reasonably certain there is no one else involved. I do want to ressurect our marriage and I've been trying everything in my power to do so. That is why this is so bothersome. She has refused to go to counseling. I have gone to a therapist on my own to address these issues. I have been doing so for approximately one year. The counselor has focused on ways to get her to go to counseling to no avail. The counselor has also focused on making my life more fullfilling and happier away from her. Unfortunately there isn't much that can be done when only one party is willing. My real problem is that there is no companionship or friendship for that matter. To me that is an important element of our relationship. My marriage is very lonely and I am miserable. She however is content, will not talk about our problems and refuses counseling.

[vashti]

Did you say you have kids? If so, how old?

(I agree that she sounds depressed.)

[BackUpOrGetStng]

So, what did you think coming to this forum would accomplish, that the other measures you've taken haven't?

[Agape]

My real problem is that there is no companionship or friendship for that matter. To me that is an important element of our relationship. My marriage is very lonely and I am miserable. She however is content, will not talk about our problems and refuses counseling.

And this is a change? . . . is there anything which would have prompted this reaction from her? maybe it's some sort of "Postpartum depression"?

[RdHrshyKss]

wow...i would be at the point where i'd give her an ultimatum...either she agrees to go to counselling for the sake of your marriage and your children's well-being, or you'll leave her. you have to step your foot down. she is not the end all, be all in this relationship. you have needs/wants too that need to be addressed. if she isn't willing to compromise here and work with you, then i would highly suggest starting to take that route. time to light a fire under her ass...she may be depressed, but being in denial about it, especially when her depression is actively affecting your happiness in the marriage, is a BIG problem. either she starts to address them, or you're out of there.