Emotionally unavailable ex?

[hope555]

Hi all,
I am 24 yrs old, and my 25 year old boyfriend has broken up with me about 3 months ago after 10 months of dating. He was my first real boyfriend When we first met, it was like amazing chemistry. He's a very attractive guy doing his phd and amazing at his work, and so am I ...plus we completely got each others sense of humour and it was like magic!! He was sooo attentive during the first 5 months of us dating. He would text me all day, call me at night...call me again before he went to bed. He would come over all the time, and would get annoyed if he couldn't come because i was busy. He realllllly liked me, and this I don't doubt.

Then during the 6-9 months of dating, I started to fall in love with him, but he started to pull away. I never felt emotionally connected with him to the extent I would expect for two compatible individuals. He started to completely lose his sex drive, and didn't know why. He didn't even like kissing. This happenned with all his past gfs too! But he would like to cuddle and pleasured me once in a while because he felt bad. He also got much more selfish about himself and his work and we only did things on his term. He promised me day trips, but he would always be busy.

At this point I started to get a little upset with his pulling away because I had already fallen in love. He always got the feeling that I didn't like him, just the idea of him because I was starting to get upset. When I asked him how he felt about me, he said "I like you a lot, but thats the problem". He said he doesn't know whats wrong with him, but he's never liked sexual activities, and he can't form emotional bonds with people. He NEVER misses anyone. I was the gf he tried to bond with his max capability. He always said i wish i met you at a time I was ready for this, because you would've been the perfect gf.

Then he started breaking up with me. He cried and said he would be single for the rest of his life if he left someone as patient and understanding as me, but he couldn't keep me hanging and not fulfilling me, because I'll end up resenting him...which he could never stand. If he felt all this, why didn't he make it work?? After we broke up, I texted him for two months to understand the situation, because he wouldn't see me in person. He replied every single one of my text, and told me he liked me a lot, but he's not ready, and he doesn't want to stop me from meeting better guys. For the last month I went into no contact and he made his facebook wall not visible to me. The other day I texted to say hi..we talked for a very short time, and he unblocked his wall. He's been talking to this chic from australia a lot...but other than that, he seems pretty single. He seems to have gotten a LOT more narcisstic though..posting topless pictures of his abs and commenting on how women love him. He was VERY into his looks even when we were together...and kept reminding me on a daily basis how perfect he was..it just seems to have gotten worse now...which i hate seeing.

I still miss him everyday. Did he actually like me, or did he use all the breakup reasons to let me down gently? He's dated three other girls before me...but they all stayed together much longer than me and him...and they actually went on trips and stuff. When I asked him about this, he said thats because he wasn't as busy when he was with them, and didn't respect them enough...so thought it fine to keep stringing them along. Is this true? After we broke up, he all of a sudden had time for lots of trips and golf with his friends. What should I do to make him realize what he's lost? I have to keep forcing myself to stop contacting him on a daily basis because I'm lonely. Is he just emotionally unavailable and narcisstic? it would kill me the day he gets better...and a girl finds him at thta time because he is an amazing guy. Should i delete him from facebook and just move on? Should we be friends? How do I get over someone i love, and who liked me a lot, and we never fought...but it just ended.

Anyway..just wanted to share my story and hear people's thoughts to numb my broken heart. Thanks for reading my super-long post!

Sincerely, hope

[Agape]

He said he doesn't know whats wrong with him, but he's never liked sexual activities, and he can't form emotional bonds with people. He NEVER misses anyone. I was the gf he tried to bond with his max capability. He always said i wish i met you at a time I was ready for this, because you would've been the perfect gf.

Sounds like you should move on . . . the fact he couldn't keep a relationship with his other girlfriends shows that he's not ready for commitment or connections.

[BeingAlpha]

You should definitely move on. Start with deleting him from Facebook; you will never get over him if you continue to keep track of him. Pull back, move on, develop your own life that does not include him in it -- if he wants you back -- he'll find you. He knows your number. He just isn't that into you; it has NOTHING to do with you..and yes some people have issues and are unable to hold a relationship. I continue to say this -- sometimes it is JUST about timing, and fate -- right now you need to heal, focus on you, and you just need to let it go.

You will be okay, we have all been through this, we have all felt hopeless, sad, upset, scared but.. we all made it through it, you will too. I want you to feel okay to be sad, feel scared that you won't meet anyone, feel that you were wronged -- all of these feelings are natural -- let them come -- and eventually they will stop. Most importantly, you WILL NOT get the closure and validation from your ex that you need, want...etc... but that's okay you don't have to. It doesn't really matter why he left does it? He left... you did nothing wrong. Stay strong, take some time to move on, but move on.

[hope555]

Hi,
Thank you for all your supportive replies. I know its not me and I should move on. He just can't be THAT into anyone because he lacks the ability to make emotional attachments. I tried being patient, open and very loving...building his trust and making sure he feels safe and secure. I thought it would help him open up..but it scared him even more. It hurts me to think he may actually have NOT liked me...but his pain looked very real when we were breaking up..esp for someone who apparently has no emotions. I think about him every day, and I hope someday, if there is justice in this world, he realizes how incredibly hard I tried, and misses me a little too.

I don't want to delete him from facebook, but I will if you guys think I should (first breakup for me..so not sure what to do). He had stopped me from seeing his wall for a month..I think to help me move on. After we texted for a bit the other day, he unblocked me and now I can see everything on his profile. I think he just wants to be normal friends (or show me his life so I miss him and can't move on?). Me deleting him will seem like I am too immature/ hung up on him to forget about him and be normal friends?? That'll be a HUGE ego stroke for him that I don't want to give. I want to act mature so he keeps respecting me and we can be friend. We didn't end on bad terms AT ALL..so why can't we be friends?? He's facebook friends with all his other exes. Also...i like seeing his wall...knowing something about him feels better than knowing nothing. I know thats not a good reason.

i HATE that I spend so much time thinking and analyzing and crying over all this..where as he's probably made his decision and moved on. He's working on building his career and probably never thinks of me. Ugh! Why do I hold on to people for so long? I've had wonderful friends listen to me about this everyday, but i feel like i'm making very slow progress to being happy again. I miss SOOOOOOOO much the feeling of having someone special to talk to and cuddle and watch movies with tht it drives me nuts!!

Anyway...thank you for letting me vent and listening.

-hope

[Relish]

When someone breaks up with you, for silly or no definate reasons, never try to pursue that relationship. It makes no sense, they dont want you anymore so let them be. You cant force someone to love you the way you want them to love you, or to even simply show you a little bit of love. There's good better and best. The right one is out there so he will come your way just at the right time. I am waiting too LOL

[misombra]

was his name 'gribble' by any chance?

[hope555]

Who's gribble?

I haven't deleted him from facebook yet. Almost did last night. But I don't want to burn any bridges of possible friendship by seeming immature or weak. I value friendships a lot. For now I'm going to try staying off facebook. I had all my wall posts, msgs etc forwarded to my email so I don't have to go on facebook to check them. And I blocked the facebook site on my laptop. I know these are VERY small steps to forget about your first love, and I might need to get more drastic soon if this doesn't work.

[oneandonly]

Why is it important to stay friends with him unless you want to cling on to that nortion with a false hope?

It's not important whether he thinks you are immature or weak. Just assume that he doesn't care, which could be well true. Be selfish and focus on yourself. You are slow on your progress because you let it be. It is hard but when I know the person doesn't want me as much as I do, that alone is a very good reason for me to do everything I can to move on. If he doesn't want me as gf, he can't have me as friend either.

You should make a conscious effort. Delete him from facebook. Just don't be interested in him whatever. He will slowly fade away from your memory. That may sound sad now but that's okay. It's gonna happen one day. You will tell yourself, oh so on so days have passed without thinking of him at all! Then, a different kind of sadness sets in only temporarily. You eventually move on from then on.

[hope555]

I JUST deleted the first love of my life from facebook and I feel miserable and can't stop crying. There was this one girl I thought he was going out with because of facebook. But they were always soooo rude to each other over facebook that I didn't believe it. He always told me the reason why he liked me so much was because he respected me. He doesn't seem to respect this girl at all. Anyway...she put a big smiley face on his wall...and then wrote something that made it seem like they hung out this weekend and did fun things. I sat at home lonely and sad this weekend. So I it hurt me. I'm tired of reading his wall posts and guessing what he did this weekend and who it did it with. It hurts me everytime!!! If he's going out with someone, I would rather never find out. Hence I decided to delete him...to stop my tears. Maybe I'm being a big baby, but I really need a huge hug right now . Hopefully things will get better now??

[Petit Papillon]

They will. It's the best thing you could have done right now... The healing starts now

[hope555]

He probably won't notice. But in the heat of the moment, I always make stupid, emotional decisions. So, lets say one day he does ask me why I deleted him? Should I say: a) Because I'm over you, and didn't see any point in continuing to keeping in touch?, or b) It hurt me to see your life through a secondary source. I'd rather we talk as friends...but facebook was affecting my focus from my work, so I deleted you. He was soooo keen on staying best friends...thats why we talked all day everyday even after we broke up until I went into no contact. Interestingly, after I went into no contact, he made no attempt to contact me either. I'm soooo sure he's moved on....he wouldn't mind being friends...but def has no feelings left at all! Anyway, what should I say if he does ask?

[Agape]

Just say you needed some time and space . . . it's best to be honest and say I just needed to get over you, and I needed to delete your facebook to do that.

Anyways, with time things will get better

[hope555]

Thank you for all the support. Is there any way for me to ask him if he is seeing someone new? He's really rude to this one girl on facebook...but they seem to hang out some weekends I think? Its just that he genuinely told me he can't deal with relationships right now, and i believe it because of how he told me this. I keep going over clues from facebook in my head thinking "Are they dating or not? Do they like each other or is it one sided or are they just friends? What do they do when they hang out?" How do I stop these thoughts from mattering to me? Should I ask him just so I can get some concrete answer and not go crazy?

[Agape]

I always ask people when the want to keep check on their ex's . . . why? . . . just seems like you can't get over him.

If you need closure, then do it - but then that's it . . . if you want to be 'sneaky' about it, you could ask a mutual friend but then of course you'll 'use' them for info - and it will just become some behind-the-doors secret thing

[Petit Papillon]

Just don't answer at all... He doesn't care about you? PHI ! YOU don't care about HIM! Why he always has to be that special one