Last Minute Confusion.. please help

[and_chinita12]

I've been with my boyfriend now for almost 9 years..during those 9 years we had really good and bad times together.. We came from the same university, we go to class together, we graduated together, we passed the licensure exam together.. I have a lot of good memories to remember and to share with him..I can't even imagine myself being around with someone else.. He had me at my best and worst. And me too, I have forgiven him for the worst thing that he had done to hurt me. We surpassed every storm that has come our way!

It is during our 8th anniversary when he proposed and I said yes!That moment was really special... I wanted to be his wife for the rest of our lives! It's like making our dreams come true.. We decided to marry after 1 year or preparation..

I am working as a chief accountant in our company and the company would send me abroad for short term assignments, for audit, sometimes for meetings, events, forums etc. Today I am now celebrating my 5th month here in Sydney, and to tell you frankly, it is not an easy task to organize a wedding while you're away. Yes my fiance allowed me to leave temporarily, this is the nature of my work. Besides he told me he has everything in control. My head accountant-(btw he's single), my colleague, is also here to accompany me with some of the works assigned to me. Living in a foreign country is hard because you've got no relatives and friends to keep you company and imagine 7 months of assignment is quite long. I still have 2 months more before I go home.. and 3 months to go before getting married.

My colleague kept me company. We became really close for some unexpected circumstances.. maybe because we do the same things at work and we have no one here except each other. Our relationship has grown deeper.. and became special. I wasn't able to control my feelings because I naturally felt.. the enjoyment with his company.. the contentment.. the quietness of being around him. He respects me, trreated me well.. and before I knew it, I was falling for him.. and He was falling for me too.. I know this is wrong. I can't even explain.. He knew I am engaged. But everything happened unexpectedly.. It just happened so fast. being with him for 5 months is quite long already. As if I knew him for more than a year.. Suddenly i felt the excitement to see him, to be with him. I can't think of my fiance any more... This is wrong. I am positive that my fiance and I are way too strong to surpass this.. But how come I feel so weak and I can't do anything to stop it? How come I enjoy every second of being with my colleague and feel guilty at the end of the day?i don't wanna hurt my fiance's feelings.. we're getting married in 3 months. And I don't know what to do. I am inlove with my colleague.. I still love my fiance but I am blinded by the feelings with my colleague.. What will I do? It's as if I am running out of time. I can't think clearly...

last minute confusion ...

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds like you are going through what typically happens when a relationship becomes long distance. you miss the comfort and affections you got from your fiancé when you lived back home and you are projecting them onto your coworker. you haven't acted out on these feelings, have you? have you and your coworker been intimate? if you haven't yet, then don't. the least you can do is wait until you get home, back to your normal environment and surroundings, before you make any kind of decision. long distance situations really make or break relationships. we are only human, and wanting/needing attention/affection is normal. you have to be stronger than that and know that you will be back home soon.

however, if you have already acted out on these feelings, you must tell your fiancé and let him decide what he'd like to do from this point forward.

[Agape]

He knows you're engaged. Is there any thing you've done with this college? . . . it would be a shame to end 9 years and end nearly 1/2 year of long-term engagement just 3 months before the wedding.

[RdHrshyKss]

agape made a good point. this guy isn't worth getting involved with because he knew you were engaged all along. a guy who doesn't have a problem falling for an almost married woman is someone you should stay away from. who knows, he might just be getting off on the fact that he can woo an already taken woman...once you give in, you'll become boring to him and he'll move on to the next one. if you haven't acted out on these feelings you are having yet, then please please please stay strong for 2 more months. don't throw away a 9 year relationship.

[and_chinita12]

Thanks for the advice. I know I should do something about to stop this wrongdoing but I simply can't.. He's a way lot sweeter than my fiance.. Like a perfect guy. I know I sound crazy but this is the first time that I entertained/letting someone while I am in still in a relationship. My fiance doesn't have an idea. I am freaked out. Yes we do intimate stuffs be he choose to "not go there"--he says crossing the line would hurt him much. He has been into a 2-year relationship before he met me. I always see him before when he was still with his girlfriend. He always--was really kind, sweet and mature. And now he's telling me that no matter how hard he tries to stay away from he, he wouldn't. And seems like he's too weak to let go of his feelings too.. we're both vulnerable.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's like I was hypnotized by his greatness.. I pity my fiance way back home whenever he calls me everyday sounding very excited about the wedding. I wish I have something else to do to divert my attention from my coworker. He jogs with me, roam around the city with me, dine out and shop with me. At first I didn't want his attention his giving me but every time I go out by myself I am missing his company. Oh boy, this is nightmare.

[RdHrshyKss]

Thanks for the advice. I know I should do something about to stop this wrongdoing but I simply can't.. He's a way lot sweeter than my fiance.. Like a perfect guy. I know I sound crazy but this is the first time that I entertained/letting someone while I am in still in a relationship. My fiance doesn't have an idea. I am freaked out. Yes we do intimate stuffs be he choose to "not go there"--he says crossing the line would hurt him much. He has been into a 2-year relationship before he met me. I always see him before when he was still with his girlfriend. He always--was really kind, sweet and mature. And now he's telling me that no matter how hard he tries to stay away from he, he wouldn't. And seems like he's too weak to let go of his feelings too.. we're both vulnerable.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's like I was hypnotized by his greatness.. I pity my fiance way back home whenever he calls me everyday sounding very excited about the wedding. I wish I have something else to do to divert my attention from my coworker. He jogs with me, roam around the city with me, dine out and shop with me. At first I didn't want his attention his giving me but every time I go out by myself I am missing his company. Oh boy, this is nightmare.

you need to tell your fiance ASAP. control yourself and stop running around behind his back with this guy. he deserves that. you are being very selfish. do not continue with this guy until you have talked through things with your fiance. if you come to the decision that you need to break off the engagement you better do it soon...who knows how much stuff your fiance has paid for that is nonrefundable at this point.

[Incognito]

Maybe this is the wake up call that you need to realize that you cannot handle this aspect of your work. I think that unless they sent you on assignment with an absolute jerk that this would have happened no matter what. Hell, if I were in your position I think there would be a strong possibility of this happening, but that is why I make sure I'm not away for long periods of time. 7 damned months on assignment isn't a short stint. I think that a week or so is reasonable, but anything over a month would strain most relationships. If you're weak just give in to this guy and get it over with and break off the engagement. If you have any strength left tell the guy that for the remaining two months that you need him to have no contact except during work hours for work related issues only. If he respects you the way you think he does he will comply. If he doesn't it goes to show that he is in this for the excitement and eventual sex only, not for love. If you don't give in, and the guy respects your wishes I'd let the company know that long assignments are not acceptable and find another job if they give you grief about it.

[and_chinita12]

This assignment isn't healthy at all, you're right. But I don't blame the nature of my work, I blame myself for being weak. I shouldn't let him in but I did. I'll end this insanity and we'll talk it over the weekends. Now I am worried that it'll affect our work. Anything that will happen after this is MY FAULT. My co-worker will never feel the way he feels if I avoided him in the first place. And most of all, my fiance doesn't deserve this...

Should I tell this to my fiance or settle everything first before coming clean.

[Agape]

"Yes we do intimate stuffs be he choose to "not go there"--he says crossing the line would hurt him much."

Explain . . . it sounds like you're more forward than this guy?!

And these words, "pity my fiance", "Like a perfect guy" (the co-worker), "I wish I have something else to do to divert my attention from my coworker." . . . it sounds like you've compared and are considering replacing!

You should tell your fiance NOW . . . it's not fair, after all he's done for you for you to be fooling around without his knowledge

[Incognito]

While I am a total advocate of honesty, what you do before telling him is important here. Which sounds worse?: "I have to tell you honey, I am fooling around with my coworker, but I haven't broken it off yet" -or- "Look I made a big mistake by fooling around with my coworker, but it was in a moment of weakness and I made it clear that it was over and that I was going to tell you". I think its clear which one sounds better. If you're going to come clean I'd advise you to have already cut things off so that it is apparent that you are trying to take things in the right direction. It might also be wise to take into consideration how much longer you'll be there vs when you tell your fiancee. If you tell him now he'll be wondering for the next two months what exactly is still going on between the two of you. The timing part is your decision though, I'll make no advisory statements about that.

[and_chinita12]

If I tell it now then my fiance will cancel our wedding even if I cut things off. From a man's point of view, what would you do if your girl cheats on you 3 months before your wedding? This is the ultimate test. I don't know If I can take it if he'll cancel our wedding. I apparently asked our director If I can go home already without finishing the contract of the assignment. He told me I am allowed as long as I finish the scope of my work. And If I go home I'll leave the task to my colleague. I guess that's the best way to do it, break it off with my coworker and go home. Wish me luck. Thank you.

[Incognito]

Look.... How can I say this? Unless your fiancee is a very VERY forgiving guy you should count on the wedding being cancelled. It may be a short term cancellation or it may be longer, but it is something that (if it happens) will be necessary for you two to move on. If you do come home early I'd let him know that you pleaded with your company to let you go home early to get out of that situation. This may help make your efforts seem more substantial. I am only telling you all of this with the assumption that you won't do it again and that you won't allow yourself to be put in this situation again. If you are ever entertaining the thought of allowing your employer to send you off for a long period of time you might as well cancel the wedding yourself and stay single until you get a different position within the company or switch to a company that won't send you on long assignments.

If everything works out between you and your fiancee he will always wonder exactly what you are doing while on assignment if you allow yourself to be sent away for long periods. Eventually it will come up again, and may even result in him cheating if he thinks that it is still going on and that he's home being a good boy for nothing. If you want this to work you have to make sure that he knows that you have NOT will to do it again, AND that you won't be in that position again.

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds to me like the OP is a selfish tramp who doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions. seems like she is going to jump ship from her current assignment, go back home and marry the guy without saying a damn word. despicable... i hope this coworker follows her back and tells her fiancé what happened...that way he can see who she really is.

[Incognito]

I hope that doesn't happen because it will definitely backfire. It may take years, but this kind of thing will either slowly eat her alive causing other relationship problems, or it will be exposed in a very unflattering way. That's just how the world works.

To the and_chinita: I don't know what you are actually planning to do despite what you say here, but think of it like this... You can choose between a broken toe now or a broken leg later. Coming clean now, and dealing with the consequences will possibly lead to you two being able to work this out. Covering it will make this a more sinister and therefore unforgivable matter later where there will be no 'working it out'. When it comes out later (which it will, trust me) he will simply leave and you will have wasted all those years just because you wanted to spare yourself some short term embarrassment or didn't want to face the consequences sooner. I'm not saying that telling him will result in sunshine and roses, but even if he decides to break it off completely it will turn out better that covering it and then dealing with it later because later there will be no options and you will have wasted both your and his time.

[Agape]

"From a man's point of view, what would you do if your girl cheats on you 3 months before your wedding?"

Care to elaborate on that line? I thought it was just "we do intimate stuffs be he choose to "not go there""? Doesn't make sense, did you and your co-worker have sex? Or was it just some non-sex emotional affair?

At your wedding: Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace . . . or in your case, instead of peace, it's guilt? and remorse?