Absolutely confused

[M08well]

I am in a relationship for almost 10 years. My boyfriend and I pretty much have decided we're not getting married for whatever reason. We have a house together and keep our banking separate for the most part. About two years ago, I had found some text messages on his phone which were questionable. He left his phone home one day and I texted this girl to come over, acting as him. She showed up and I asked her involvement with him. She was shocked, of course, but seemed very honest in telling me that she was just a friend who worked with him. She said that she was surprized he even had a girlfriend because he always tells people he's alone and he seemed to have a crush on another coworker. She also said that I seemed like I was much better than him and to move on. I was completely upset by this and confronted him. He denied it and we eventually moved on. I stayed with him, like an idiot. The past two years since have been crap, in part because I just don't care anymore. Today I was checking his cell phone and found more questionable texts. I confronted him and he flipped out. I just don't know what to do-I'm not sure I even care for him anymore. It seems like I stay because it's easier that way. Please if anyone can give advice or if you need more info, please let me know. Thanks!

[MerryH]

Yeah, of course it's easier to stay and pretend the relationship is fine, but you know it's not. And when you're at the point where you think you might not even care anymore, there's no reason to try to make it work. It's a big step, but seems necessary.

[Agape]

"The past two years since have been crap, in part because I just don't care anymore. Today I was checking his cell phone and found more questionable texts. I confronted him and he flipped out."

So you find something wrong, and that was TWO YEARS AGO. . . it's best you just leave and find someone else and stop wasting time in a dying relationship

[M08well]

I just wanted to add a few things since I typed the original post on my phone. What is anyones advice to gain the courage to move on? Like I previously mentioned, I am sure I'm not staying because I love him, it's just so much easier to stay. We actually sleep in separate rooms, believe it or not. Its almost like we are roommates, and when I try to talk about it, arguments start. I will definitely not say that I am perfect-it takes two to make a relationaship work, but we do not communicate at all anymore. I definitely think after finding those texts I've lost trust in this relationship. I even found he had set up an eHarmony profile! He claimed he had no idea what it was even-but there was some information on the profile I know he would have had to set up. I guess our lives have become so integrated as far as family, it seems so exhausting to leave. I just need the courage to move on by myself and know things will be ok. It sounds rediculous, but I feel so confused since this is what I have been living for 10 years. I feel like even though I am not perfect, I have never and would never lie or disrespect him as my boyfriend and companion. I feel he has broken my trust and disrespected me beyond repair. Its like I know this relationship is over and has been over, I just need to face reality and move on.

[Agape]

So you're pretty much living with him and all trace of relationship is over?

Perhaps you can just live with him but see other people?

[Spoonandfork]

So you're pretty much living with him and all trace of relationship is over?

Perhaps you can just live with him but see other people?

are you a guy? Because I like your thinking

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

One of you guys need to take off for a month and stay with a friend or family. U guys need to see how it feels not being with another then hopefully ull figure out d right decision. ya

[EnjoyingLife]

Moving on can be hard, as it is such a habit when you have been with somebody for so long. The best thing you can do is realise that you are not happy now so how much worse can it get if you live on your own. Reading your story I think you will find you will be much happier on your own. It's like you are single now anyway, as you don't sleep in the same room so what's the point in being in a relationship? Even if you are unhappy when you move out, at least you know things can get better as you will have the chance to move on but you are actually stuck without even knowing it in your current situation. You say you don't care much anymore but because you are living with him you probably won't be able to fully move on so therefore you're trapped. Life is too short, move out and move on but it has to be when you feel you are strong enough and ready to do it.

Good luck! Everyone deserves happiness and I don't you're giving that to each other anymore.

[MerryH]

What is anyones advice to gain the courage to move on?

Having an escape plan.

Okay, M08, please answer these questions:

How would you tell him you want to break up?
Where can you live once you break up with him? Can you afford your own place?
If not, can you stay with supportive family for a little while? Consider all your options.
What do YOU want to happen with the house? Who actually owns it? Maybe he should be the one who moves out.
You didn't mention kids, so I assume you have none. This makes it easier.
You have separate banking. SO much easier.

Ok, so those last two weren't questions, but I'm just trying to point out how uncomplicated it could be if you leave. You don't even have to have this big frank discussion about it. You can just say, "Hey, I'm moving out" and just go. Sweet freedom.

[Gigabitch]

I think you would find the prospect of a new life a lot less exhausting if your current non-relationship weren't sucking the life out of you.

I suggest you get some help. Get a bunch of friends and family to help you move out, make a clean break. It will be scary, and at some point you'll probably panic and want to go back to the security of the crappy situation you're in now, but if you persevere, you'll come to look back on this period in your life as a really important turning point. It will only be difficult for a short while. Do it.

[sparkle_jello]

He sounds like a jerk. After you spoke to that woman you should have asked to meet his coworkers, you know, go to lunch with them all or something, see how he reacted.

[twinrexes]

I like "gigabitch"s idea of getting a bunch of friends and family to help you, but in a different way. Get them to help you find some new activities you can immerse yourself in. Find a friend who can be a workout buddy and set some fitness goals for yourselves. Learn to knit. Take a night course. Join an outdoors club. And so on. Whatever floats your boat. Make sure you're so busy that you're only home to sleep. Pretty soon, your life will be so full of fun and adventure that moving out won't seem so daunting. And who knows, your soon-to-be ex may even get curious and a little jealous of your new life.

[Mish]

Today I was checking his cell phone and found more questionable texts. I confronted him and he flipped out.

What was the nature of the questionable texts? Did they justify violating his privacy?

As far as moving on goes, you would first need to move out of that place. If you are not financially depended on him then it should be an easy step, just sign a lease agreement for another place and move all your things there.