How to gain control here???

[Kayla]

okay.. so my guy and I are not doing so great.. He has been acting really weird and distant. One week ago today, I went to his place to talk.. we stayed up all night talking, agreed to spend time apart.. he is giving me this crap about "not being ready for a serious commitment" etc.. etc.. I have actually been in this very place with him about four times now. After this long "break up" talk, we ended up having sex- twice! (wtf?) (i posted about this incident in another thread). Even though we had sex, I still decided that I needed to stick with what I said and follow through on the time apart discussion. Well.. this past saturday, we ended up going out. Had an AWESOME time. He was very flirty.. touching, kissing and all that (like he used to do when we first met so it was kinda nice, actually). I did follow through on what I commited to doing which was going home and NOT having sex with him. We hung out at his place some after we went out and I said "its best if I go home" and he agreed or at least respected what I said. Now here it is Monday and I have not heard from him and over the course of today it has become my one consuming thought!

Here is where I need advice: What do I do now?? I feel like he has all the control right now in the relationship and I cant stand it. I have no idea why I feel this way other than the fact that I sitting by the phone pining away like a stupid teenager. I am pretty sure we are at "not together" status bc of this withdrawal garbage he is pulling again. And I guess saturday night was a "date".. so.. what do I do next?? Is the next best move to leave him alone and let him come to me? How do I gain control of this situation??

I miss him so much right now I cant stand it. he is out of town for the next three days on a work trip so I know he is busy.. but I have not had so much as a single text from him i am trying to hold out and let him initiate contact since we had such an awesome time sat night and im pretty sure I left him with a positive feeling but.. im starting to wonder..

any advice?? even if its advice on how to deal with how this is (at the moment) totally consuming my thoughts? arrgh- this is rediculous!

thanks, everyone

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Being left with a hard on after an "AWESOME time" on a date is not a positive feeling.


It does also seem like that's what he's mostly interested in, but if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't call you either.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

headgames imo. His prolly, making u miss him and waiting to see how u cope or break Effin, just text him and say hi, and just tell him u miss him. If he dnt text back? Then u know ur answer

[Kayla]

Being left with a hard on after an "AWESOME time" on a date is not a positive feeling.


It does also seem like that's what he's mostly interested in, but if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't call you either.

what?? why? bc I didnt 'put out'?? he is the one that said he wasnt ready for a relationship.. so why should i sleep with him?! geez...

[YouAreBeautiful]

This does not sound like a good guy to me. Is he?

[Kayla]

This does not sound like a good guy to me. Is he?

actually, yeah.. he is.. just messed up, i think.

[Analeigh008]

Give him the break he asked for...unless he was being indirect, we have to assume that's what he wants. If you keep waiting for him and start trying to contact him after you agreed to give him some space, you'll look lonely, desperate, and needy - which isn't attractive AT ALL, characteristics of a clingy person, you know?

Just leave him alone. If he ever cared about you, he'll begin to miss you and want to have you back before you find someone else. But if you keep clinging to him, he won't feel the need to come running back to you, since you're already running back to him! If he does NOT get back to you, he's found someone else or has moved on and so should you...the love isn't both ways anymore.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"what?? why? bc I didnt 'put out'?? he is the one that said he wasnt ready for a relationship.. so why should i sleep with him?! geez..."


Your logic is not flawed. But if you guys were going against the terms of your agreement for space or whatever anyway, and going out on a date, you should have gone home without going to his place at all so it wouldn't send a mixed signal. He probably felt rejected or that you're trying to game him, maybe. I easily take things the wrong way, and to the extreme, especially when I don't get my way. Iif I were him, I would interpret your actions as "She doesn't want me or need me, or she wanted to humiliate me." He's probably used to you wanting to sleep with him too, so after such a fun night he probably was very hurt that you didn't. I would've been upset, and definitely would not be calling you; I would answer, but certainly not initiate. I'd also be out everyday looking for your replacement until A) you called or B)I found that replacement. That's just me though.

[Kayla]

"what?? why? bc I didnt 'put out'?? he is the one that said he wasnt ready for a relationship.. so why should i sleep with him?! geez..."


Your logic is not flawed. But if you guys were going against the terms of your agreement for space or whatever anyway, and going out on a date, you should have gone home without going to his place at all so it wouldn't send a mixed signal. He probably felt rejected or that you're trying to game him, maybe. I easily take things the wrong way, and to the extreme, especially when I don't get my way. Iif I were him, I would interpret your actions as "She doesn't want me or need me, or she wanted to humiliate me." He's probably used to you wanting to sleep with him too, so after such a fun night he probably was very hurt that you didn't. I would've been upset, and definitely would not be calling you; I would answer, but certainly not initiate. I'd also be out everyday looking for your replacement until A) you called or B)I found that replacement. That's just me though.

I see what you mean... and maybe thats how he feels right now... and he is not looking for a replacement.. his entire issue is that he doesnt think he can handle a relationship.. it has nothing to do with me. He has it in his head that every relationship is nothing but a road to heartbreak. that being said, there probably isnt much I can do about it since his issues are within HIM. I have been here with him like 4 times and like an idiot I let him talk me back every time.. he usually comes around after several weeks.

I am sitting at home now dwelling on it.. picking up the phone..putting it down.. haha.. frusterated and not sure what to do. I am even sitting here wondering how deep my feelings really are.. bc it is rediculous how torn up I am over this obviously screwed up guy!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"his entire issue is that he doesnt think he can handle a relationship.."

That means he doesn't think he can handle a relationship with you. It's a really good line to use when you want to string someone along, and keep them around. The last three relationships I've been in ended in heartbreak for me, so it's always in the back of my mind, but I wouldn't hesitate for a second to try again with a girl I really liked, but in the meantime, I bang girls for a couple weeks until they start talking relationship talk, then guess what..."I'm not ready for a relationship". Sounds like he's about at that point too.

You should give it a week or two of no contact, if you're unsure of your feelings for him. By then he will have either called you or you should at least have figured out whether or not it's worth it for you to call him.

[Agape]

"his entire issue is that he doesnt think he can handle a relationship"
"He has it in his head that every relationship is nothing but a road to heartbreak. that being said, there probably isnt much I can do about it since his issues are within HIM."

Well then it doesn't sound like a relationships is going to work . . .give him time and space perhaps? see if he really wants to continue?

[Kayla]

[B[/B]

That means he doesn't think he can handle a relationship with you. It's a really good line to use when you want to string someone along, and keep them around..

I dont agree with this.. I have talked to many guy friends before who say there are times when they genuinely dont want a relationship.. even if the most perfect girl in the world walked in. I also know that there are times when I myself have felt this way.. especially after going through a break up. I was engaged once and for at least a year after that I was sincerley scared to death of dating ANYONE.. it was only when I myself got past that before I dated again, it had nothing to do with anyone else. In other words, it is completely possible for someone to be at a point in their lives where they are afraid/or simply dont want to be with anyone.

Besides.. I know this guy well enough to know that he is NOT the type that does that sort of thing.. lies and strings people along.

[girl68]

^ I'm sorry but I don't agree with that. HAS the perfect girl walked in when they thought this? Probably not, if she did walk right in and she was THE most amazing girl a guy had ever met in all ways, I can almost gaurentee something would happen.

I too think you should let him be- KEEP BUSY! He asked for a break, give it to him. If he comes back so be it, if he doesn't leave it.

[Kayla]

he just now texted me.. like three times. i havent answered yet bc I am not sure what to say.. he wants to see me to "talk". i feel like if i go over there the first time he asks then he is in total control...

this sucks why cant relationships be easy and less painful??

[BackUpOrGetStng]

" I was engaged once and for at least a year after that I was sincerley scared to death of dating ANYONE.."

Perfect example. You weren't ready for a relationship/dating...did you date anyone in that time, seriously? I'm going to guess probably not. He on the other hand says he's not ready for a relationship, yet is trying to keep you around...he's stringing you along whether it's intentional or not.

I suggest you tell him that the break is not working for you and he can call you if he decides that a relationship is what he wants. He's done this to you several times, and if you really want control this is how to do it. It's probably too late now since, he texted you yesterday and you probably ended up meeting with him??