Am I right to feel like I was led on?

[djpasuk15]

I apologize in advance for the length of my post...

She had recently come out of a year-long, abusive relationship when we first began talking. Her previous boyfriend was emotionally and mentally abusive for several months, and she finally had the courage to end it the first time he laid a hand on her. I knew going into this that she would have a lot of issues to deal with, but I was determined to take things very slowly, be patient with her, and make sure she was physically and mentally healthy before I attempted a relationship with her.

We were set up by a mutual friend, so before we ever met, we had lots and lots of conversations. I knew early on that she was someone I could relate to and would really enjoy getting to know because we share a lot of the same morals, values, interests, family structure (our relationships with our families are very, very important to both of us), and we had a similar sense of humor; basically, we clicked right away.

The first time we met we spent the whole evening talking - about her situation with her ex, about her family, about the things which were important to her, and the same about me. We really opened up to each other, and she told me right away that she trusted me. This meant a lot to me, but I was hesitant to get too close to her knowing that she had just come out of such a horrible relationship, so I told her right away that we should just take things slow and work on being friends; her response was that we should be friends but that she could really see this going somewhere.

Since that first evening, she would call me 3-5 times a day and text me when we weren't on the phone, and we would see each other a couple of times a week. The majority of our conversations started off about her talking about her situation with her ex - it was clearly a traumatic experience for her and she really needed someone to talk to about it. Early on, the effect he had on her was evident - it affected her physically because she had lost a lot of weight and would get headaches and anxiety over the stress, mentally and emotionally because she would be lost in thought a lot and would cry; however, over time, she began to mention him less and less and then not at all. Physically she began to feel better and mentally and emotionally she seemed much, much happier. I was proud that I could help her work through this situation, even though I knew it would take a lot more time for her to fully recover.

Through our conversations and our time together, we obviously began to get closer. We would almost act like a couple - holding hands or her holding my arm while we walked together, cuddling and getting close while we watched TV or a movie - and our conversations became more deep. In addition to her amazing sense of humor - we spent a lot of time joking around and making each other laugh - she really challenged me intellectually. We would have in-depth conversations about world events, religion, etc. and we would get into healthy debates about our thoughts and feelings. Never had I met someone who challenged me in this way, and I felt myself developing strong feelings for her.

She would say a lot of things that made me think she felt the same way - she really wanted me to meet her family, she wanted to take trips with me, she saw me as someone who would make a wonderful husband and father, she wants to marry at a young age (she's 23, I'm 25), and she said I had all of the qualities she wanted and needed.

A part of me was still hesitant because of her situation, so one day I asked her about where I stood with her. She told me that she wanted to take things slow, but that she wouldn't lead me on or hurt me. She definitely wasn't interested in any other guys, and she complimented me on the person I am - I'm sympathetic, empathetic, I understand people really well, and I have a good heart (which was the most important quality she looks for in a guy) - and repeated things she had said about me being the kind of guy she wants to be with. I came out of the conversation feeling like we were eventually headed toward a relationship.

However, just a week later, even though nothing had really changed between us, she told me she just wants to be friends and doesn't want anything more than a friendship with me, even though she likes me and has feelings for me. Now she wants to see what else is out there, and just have as much fun as she can. The night she told me this, she called me five times during the day and texted me throughout and didn't give any indication that something was wrong. She basically dropped it on me out of the blue.

Given her situation, I completely understand her not wanting to jump into another relationship so quickly. I told her this several times and was completely honest with her about my feelings, but I don't feel she returned that favor. I feel like I was a crutch to help her get over her ex-boyfriend, and now that she has moved on, she wants to explore. I feel betrayed in a way because I was so honest and I expected her to be completely honest with me, which I don't feel she was.

I know she isn't a manipulative or devious person, but I do feel like my kindness, my company, my understanding, and my help were taken advantage of. My response to her was that I had developed strong feelings for her and I don't think I could just be friends with her at the moment. I need my time and space to process everything and I need to be left alone until I figure my own thoughts and feelings out; basically I told her to stop calling and texting me.

A part of me feels bad because we were so close and I hate to lose this friendship/relationship, but I'm also not a doormat and I deserve to look out for myself first and be happy. It's not fair to me to maintain a friendship with her for her own benefit, and I'm sure a friendship at this time would also give me false hope that it would lead to something more.

So I have two questions that I desperately hope anyone can help me with:

1. Am I right for feeling the way I currently do?

2. Is it best for me to take my time and space so that I can move on from my feelings?

Thank you for taking the time to read my plight, and I sincerely appreciate any and all responses.

[BeingAlpha]

You are 100% right to feel the way you do, but you have to realize you were dealing with someone who was emotionally distraught and confused. She likely didn't do this out of spite or interest in hurting you. You filled a great need for her, a confidant, a therapist and a friend. You should do whatever makes you happy now, if being around her and not being friends won't work for you - don't do it. As far as love - its a funny and tricky thing; you kind of filled the need of the rebound guy...without actually being in a physical relationship with her. I would take some time away from her; leave her alone (and not answer her phone calls, texts etc.. NONE OF THEM) for at least 30 days. During that time she may start to miss you, realize that you are an awesome guy etc.. that might bring clarity to her feelings. No one ever chased after something that was sitting next to them. Also during this time you will give yourself a chance to "get over her." -- go out meet other girls, do whatever it takes but don't sit and dwell on this.

While you were "cautious of getting into anything with her" you couldn't help falling for her. So you sort of did it half right...while getting into a relationship usually means being physically intimate in some way, you were emotionally intimate with her which for you created a pretty strong bond...so you essentially were in a relationship with her.

My advice, and maybe I am jaded now - stay away from girls who are emotionally damaged in any way until they figure themselves out -- sometimes they don't openly admit it or don't even know, this girl was VERY open about it...and FYI if a girl is not over her ex (things he did to her, or even feelings of wanting to be with him)...RUN..

[Agape]

The causes
"I knew going into this that she would have a lot of issues to deal with"
"I was hesitant to get too close to her knowing that she had just come out of such a horrible relationship, so I told her right away that we should just take things slow and work on being friends"
"Early on, the effect he had on her was evident"
"A part of me was still hesitant because of her situation"
"Given her situation, I completely understand her not wanting to jump into another relationship so quickly."

The effects
--> "I feel like I was a crutch to help her get over her ex-boyfriend, and now that she has moved on, she wants to explore."

I didn't even put my own input, I just picked out quotes . . .you were her crutch and you what you were getting yourself into, also, in the 2nd quote you mentioned that you wanted to be friends and take it slow.

Sure it's understandable why you feel the way you are BUT if wasn't like you were led on. . . but it's best you take your time and space and move on

[djpasuk15]

I truly appreciate both of your responses, so thank you to both of you. I actually had a wonderful conversation with a close friend of mine yesterday, and he provided an interesting perspective for me that I previously had not considered. I think my problem was/is that I tend to look too far into the future and I worry about things that are currently beyond my control - a relationship, marriage, family, etc. In this instance, my friend mentioned that when I brought up the conversation about where I stood with her, I put pressure on her to look at those potential possibilities and she just wasn't ready for it, hence her need to just be friends.

She clearly isn't ready for a relationship after what happened to her, and I should have understood that from the beginning. (The following all comes from my friend). Instead of concerning myself with labels - are we just friends? are we dating? will this eventually go somewhere? - I should just enjoy her company at this time and just live in the moment; let things happen naturally and organically and don't worry about what can or will happen. If I truly care about this person and I am happy when I talk to or am with her, why shut her out of my life when I can actually be happy for the time being and build a friendship with her? If I get hurt in the future because of this situation then I'll get hurt; but I should allow myself the possibility of getting hurt in exchange for having the opportunity to be happy in the moment and possibly in the future because we'll continue to be friends and get to know each other even better.

I really took a lot of the things he said to heart, and I called her yesterday. She told me she was so happy to hear from me and she hoped all day that I would call her. In turn, she ended up calling me a few times last night and we talked and joked for about an hour. She also texted me this morning and continued to say how happy she is that I'm in her life. To be honest, I don't know if much will change between what happened since we met and now, other than there will be no mention of a potential relationship. I think we'll continue to talk on a daily basis and hang out every now and again. I truly do care about this person and I want her to be healthy and happy, and I hope I can play some part in making her feel that way.

[BeingAlpha]

I think we'll continue to talk on a daily basis and hang out every now and again. I truly do care about this person and I want her to be healthy and happy, and I hope I can play some part in making her feel that way.

I highly recommend you start to act aloof -- this isn't a game its human nature...people chase after the things they can't have. Its just how it is - right now you are laying it all on the line: giving her the option of taking or leaving it.. why? Why not just pull the option away...she will have no real interest / sense of urgency to trying to win you if she feels she already has you won. Love is funny, its not a logical thing and can't be reasoned through. You are also making yourself too accessible to her -- stop it, you and your time have value also. Don't be at her beck and call.

Tactics and they are hard to do:
1) Don't answer her next text/phone call -- wait till she follows it up with another one...why? How many times have you sent a message to someone to not get a response and start to question if they got it or not? Its an SMS system -- they got it.

2) Look outside of her for a relationship / other things to do..otherwise you will spend countless hours on sites like this dwelling (I know kind of ironic that I am telling you this on this site).

3) Break a date or hang out session with her -- makes her wonder...woah wait is he losing interest in me and my games?

4) Respect -- girls don't date guys they don't respect...don't let her disrespect you.

I put that quote up there -- because you are putting HER before you -- very admirable but is going to kill you in the long run. Relationships need to be 50/50. Right now you are at 90/10 (and she is giving 10%) If they aren't what happens is one person starts to feel guilty. She will feel guilty about using you as a crutch (knowing full well she is leading you on) and potentially just head for the hills completely.

[Agape]

"I tend to look too far into the future and I worry about things that are currently beyond my control"
"I put pressure on her to look at those potential possibilities and she just wasn't ready for it"

--> You need to work on this, you need to pace yourself and figure out what pace she needs as well . . . keep your fantasies grounded in reality and make sure your future plans are achievable extrapolations of the present.

[YouAreBeautiful]

It's definitely normal to feel like you do. If you take time away from her to help yourself and not as a punishment for her there is absolutely no wrong in that. It sounds like a misunderstanding. She considered you sympathetic and empathetic. Did she ever use words like sexy, or attractive to describe you? Did she indicate to you that she was thinking of you romantically? Would you have given her the same attention if she had made it clear from the beginning that she was not interested in a romantic relationship with you? If not, and you made her aware of that in the beginning, then you were taken advantage of no question.