Secretly Texting his Ex

[confused claire]

Hi guys,
I'm new here and so pleased I've found you... I really need some advice please (please excuse the long-winded problem!)

My boyfriend has been secretly texting an ex girlfriend (from 30 years ago). It has been going on for about a year - each time I catch him out he says he is only doing it to be polite, he doesn't even like her. He says he tells her to leave him alone, then she usually sends an angry text saying 'Right that's it, I'll be out of your life for good', only for them to start texting again a few days or weeks later.

She has told him how she still loves him, doesn't love her husband, how I am a f**king bitch etc etc - it hurts that he still wants her to be in his life.

He is very secretive about his phone, deleting all messages regularly. He lies to me, saying she hasn't been in touch, but when I go through his phone (wrong maybe - I know) I can see from the text log that they text eachother every few days.

I even texted her and asked her intentions, told her it was making us both ill (I am on anti depressants) and asked if her husband knew about it. She replied that she didn't realise I had become a girlfriend and I should have know what I was getting myself into.

It is the secrets and lies that I can't bear.

What should I think? I would live to hear your opinions please.

(My boyfriend is 55, his 'friend' is 50. I am 38)

[sparkle_jello]

I would be upset. Even if he hasn't done anything outside of texting, it's shady.

[Incognito]

Things like this are an indicator of how the rest of your relationship will be and what type of person he really is. You're right that the lying is the biggest problem (right now anyway). If he can look you in the eyes and lie to you he can lie to you on the phone while she's underneath him just as easily. Hopefully you have enough self worth and confidence to refuse to put up with that and leave. At 55 I doubt he'll change his ways and become a "good man". I'll bet that he has kept in contact with her for a long long time and this other woman still feels like they have some sort of real relationship. She said that "she hadn't realized that you had become a girlfriend, and you should have known what you were getting yourself into". That is disturbing, because she obviously knew about you before you were officially a girlfriend. There is nothing right about this situation. Get out before you waste any more time.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Well, u read his text and u ddnt see no sextin at all. So, at least dats a plus sign.. ya? But, ya.. do u think its worth seperating or fighting ? Just talk and tell him how his hurtin you. ya

[confused claire]

Thanks guys.

I don't know what to think at the moment, apart from I love him so much.
I've told him how much it's hurting me, but he just carries on, and thinks as long as I don't know about it I can't get hurt.

[girl68]

Then you have 2 choices: accept it isn't going to change because he has clearly choosen her over you and you'll stay in a realtionship where he walks all over your feelings or you can walk away from him and maintain some sort of self respect for yourself.

[Incognito]

^^^Bingo! No one is worth this kind of heartache, and no one who really loves you will disrespect you like this.

[sparkle_jello]

Maybe I'm juvenile but I'm all about revenge. If I were to stay in the relationship I would give him a taste of his own medicine.

[Incognito]

Why though? You just end up wasting more of your own time. Believe me, I'm all about revenge, but in some circumstances it just isn't worth the time and effort. The benefit doesn't outweigh the actions to obtain that benefit sometimes. I think this is one of those instances.

[sparkle_jello]

Why though? You just end up wasting more of your own time. Believe me, I'm all about revenge, but in some circumstances it just isn't worth the time and effort. The benefit doesn't outweigh the actions to obtain that benefit sometimes. I think this is one of those instances.

I personally would not stay in a relationship like this; however, I think 9 out of 10 people that come to this forum with similar issues stay with their mate. I don't think people go on this forum to find reasons to leave, they just vent their anger, and usually stay in the situation. But I could be wrong. If she does stay though, revenge is always fun.

[confused claire]

At the moment I'm just trying to stay calm and gather 'evidence'!

Revenge may be sweet.... but we'll see what happens. Funny how I can't see him in the same light though
xx

[Incognito]

Evidence? What more do you need, a semen stained dress? Bottom line is that he is having an emotional affair and lying. Worst still is the possibility that he is having a physical affair, but why wait around to see if that is the case? How much you love him doesn't matter if he doesn't reciprocate that love [and respect]. I'm telling you just get out now.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

kk im willing to help with the revenge idea buhahaha Im a texting freak Just sayin. lmao

[confused claire]

So... I'm thinking "don't get mad, get even"

any ideas for revenge? possibly involving a bit of sly texting of my own!!!

[Agape]

"My boyfriend has been secretly texting an ex girlfriend" . . . secretly, eh? That doesn't sound good
"She has told him how she still loves him, doesn't love her husband, how I am a f**king bitch" . . . his ex is no good
"He lies to me" . . .that's not good for you
"She replied that she didn't realise I had become a girlfriend and I should have know what I was getting myself into." . . . wow, that's bad on his and her part

--> This isn't a good situation all 3 of you . . .best you move on