Was it cheating? He says yes, I say no. Who's right?

[misskaydee77]

So I met the BF in Feb 09 at work. We started dating. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else. Six weeks later, I get a call from another woman who says it's his girlfriend. I confront him, she confronts him. He defends himself saying she's not his girlfriend, and he basically met her about the same time he met me. So I forgive him, tell him I still want to keep seeing him, and ask him please to just be honest with me from now on. I give him a second chance. Time goes on, he keeps seeing both of us, it keeps getting more and more serious with both of us. He lived in a town about 40 miles south of where I lived and worked. He's unable to decide between the two of us. She moves in with him and doesn't know about me, but I know about her. At this point, I'm really distraught. I've gotten myself caught in a situation where I'm the other woman and I don't like it. We go back and forth all summer, we're together, we're not together, we're talking, we're not talking, multiple angry calls between me and the live-in girlfriend. I'm totally in love with him, I tell him I'll wait for him, he tells me we'll be together when she's gone, the whole cliche deal. Depression sets in. In August of 2009, I had a one-night stand with a friend's ex. November of 2009, BF and the live-in breakup. I finally get him all to myself. I move in with him in March 2010. August 2010, he finds out about what happens in August of 2009 with the friend's ex and goes off the deep end. I've been arguing with him about for the last two months and I'm about to lose my mind.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that I never should have let myself get involved in such a messed-up relationship situation to begin with. But I did, and I can't change that, because it's in the past. But we managed to make it through a really crazy beginning and have had a mostly normal, non-dramatic life for the last year without any major issues until this ugly thing from last August came out.

His stance: When you say you're in love with someone and profess your undying love repeteadly, and basically say outright that you'll wait, and then you go and have sex with some random guy, and your friend's ex-boyfriend no less, it's cheating and he has every right to be angry and hurt and call me a slut and a whore. He never promised commitment back then and I did. What happened between him and the other girl is completely different because I knew what was going on and had a choice in the matter, but I kept it secret for a year and he didn't have the same informed choice that I did.

My stance: He's a fracking hypocrite. He has no right to get angry at me for a one-night stand when he had another girlfriend for most of last year. I was depressed and angry at him and what I did was wrong, but not any worse than what he did. He should admit we both did wrong things, call it even, wipe the slate clean, and let it go. We've had over a year of making a life together since then without any major issues. Besides, it's kind of unfair to call your former "other woman" a slut for sleeping with someone else while you were with your girlfriend.

Besides the obvious, that we are both pretty messed-up people, and it's amazing that we managed to have a normal life for the last year....what do you think?

[Agape]

Sorry but I can't really comprehend a non-monogramous "relationship"

So let met get this straight . . . 6 weeks into dating a girl calls your 'bf' and says it's his 'gf' . . . you forgive him he sees BOTH OF YOU

"We go back and forth all summer, we're together, we're not together, we're talking, we're not talking, multiple angry calls between me and the live-in girlfriend. I'm totally in love with him, I tell him I'll wait for him, he tells me we'll be together when she's gone, the whole cliche deal."
--> Why? You're only messing up your life and making it more complicated

Who cares about his stance . . .your stance, firstly, what's wrong with you? I can't even base an answer on this because you're in an open relationship or something? No exclusivity so who is to say there is any cheating.

[VincenzoG91]

Everybody in this situation is cheating themselves out of a good relationship. Walk away and start over with somebody normal.

[fod999]

He is a hypocrite. You should get rid of him. Who's to say that while you two are together he won't find another girl and make the same promises that he made to you? Once a cheater, always a cheater, just saying.*

*Not trying to pour salt in your wound; what you did was ONE time. Yeah it's crappy, but at least you didn't drag it out for a year! He clearly didn't value your feelings if he kept you hanging that long and is now calling you a whore for making one mistake. I'm sorry you had to go through that, sounds terrible :/

[teel]

He's clearly a hypocrite. Your only mistake was that you technically promised him to be faithful, even though you were not even with him, and he was with someone else. You haven't cheated on him, you only didn't keep your hastily made promise.

[sparkle_jello]

I don't feel he is capable of ever being honest with you. What you did is little compared to what he did to you and the other girl. I feel the most sorry for the other girl.

[misskaydee77]

You know what? I kinda feel sorry for the other girl, too.

[MerryH]

You know what? I kinda feel sorry for the other girl, too.

Yep, and maybe he didn't do anything wrong to you in his mind, based on some weird logic, but he DID lie to her and conceal the truth from her, right? I don't think he could argue that he's completely innocent in that regard. So yeah, he's a hypocrite.

Also, you should break up with him.

[misskaydee77]

Who cares about his stance . . .your stance, firstly, what's wrong with you? I can't even base an answer on this because you're in an open relationship or something? No exclusivity so who is to say there is any cheating.

No, it wasn't an open relationship. It was just non-exclusive casual dating that developed into something more serious. Unfortunately, he was doing the same thing with another girl at the same time. At some point, he should have picked one and broke it off with the other, but he didn't. So, since she moved in with with him because she couldn't pay her rent and lived in the same town, whereas I could financially support myself and lived 40 miles away... she became the girlfriend and he was seeing me behind her back.

[Agape]

Well is this is just "non-exclusive casual dating" . . .then I guess it's not really cheating. . . mind you, this is not a situation I'd want to get in.

The whole "she became the girlfriend and he was seeing me behind her back" just screams unneeded drama.

[VincenzoG91]

Sounds like a bunch of selfish and amoral people screwing each other, both figuratively and literally.

[xxazurexx]

He's a frigging hypocrit and you are no better and have no room to talk. You didn't cheat on him, but you CHEATED with him....which means both of you are as bad as each other and probably well suited and a good match.

Yeh stay with each other, Spare someone else from the misery of having to deal with him and yourself for that matter.

[misskaydee77]

I actually am very thankful for all of your comments. I know we are both pretty messed-up people. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is him acting like he's so much better than me. I will be sharing with him tonight what the objective, unbiased people of the world have to say about both of us.

[MerryH]

I will be sharing with him tonight what the objective, unbiased people of the world have to say about both of us.

He's just going to tell you that we're stupid and we don't know the whole situation because you two are special unique snowflakes that nobody understands.

[chly28]

I think if I heard the word he has a girlfriend straight out. I would be the one to move on and refrain anymore feelings towards the guy.......yes it may be time to heal up the wounds but relationship is based on Respect...He doesn't respect you and still see's someone behind your back or vice versa....You slept with another guy out of anger.......I think its time for both of you to grow up and figure what you both want in a real relationship......You got him to yourself now but I do believe he is the type that if he does see the grass is greener on the other side he would plainly say Sayonara.......
If you really want true happiness move on......its hard......but in the end u will better from it.......but unless you want to stay.....and seek the attention you go right ahead for it....