broken heart :(

[Kayla]

I think my relationship may be headed for a break up.. not sure what to do. I have been seeing this guy on and off for two years. This time, it has been since Feb (I have posted about him before when I had issues with him and some stalker girl). Once that was resolved- I thought for the most part things have been fine.

However.. lately he has been acting really weird. For the past several weeks, he has done NOTHING to initiate contact or plan anything we do. It has been me doing it all- but he does always say "yes" to doing things I want to do or if I say I want to come over...he does respond to me when I text/email. That was already bothering me but I was letting it go to see what happened and trying not to over react. However, this week it got even weirder... I texted him on Tues and said I wanted to come over and he said "not tonight but maybe tomorrow" (which was weird bc he ALWAYS says 'ok'- I mean I have a key to his house and a garage door opener where I park my car). I did end up going over there the next night... again, not by his inititation. Then- this weekend.. I text him Thurs and said "what are you doing this weekend?" and he says he wants to go out of town to see these friends he has (I know these friends). the thing is- he waited until I asked what he was doing then just informs me without even asking me what I am doing or anything. This was the last time I heard from him until this morning (it is now sunday!) He hasnt called or so much as texted all weekend and it has been like torture to me. The text this morning said "i am not gonna make it to church I have a headache." ( I am obviously not there today either because I am posting on this haha- to be honest, I skipped I didnt want to see him). I answered back "i am not there either" and he has said nothing. I am trying to not to over react but it is kind of hard considering I have spent almost every weekend with him for the past six months and all the sudden I feel totally shunned.

I know him enough to know that he is the type that can get to feeling overwhelmed and he just needs time/space sometimes.. so I am trying not to say or do anything yet.. He has been divorced and has serious relationship/trust/intimacy issues which is why we have been "on and off" for two years.. things like this have happened before where he just shuts down and completely withdraws. In the past, I have gotten hurt and mad about that and it led to arguments. I want to handle it differently this time because I have more of an understanding of him than in the past and, honestly, I am MUCH more emotionally invested in him this time than before.. we have gotten a lot closer recently.

Guess i am not sure what to do. the thought of a break up really bothers me.. I am sitting here feeling extremely depressed and fighting the urge to call him. I am determined not to contact him first.. I am thinking its time to just let it go and see what happens..

what do you all think?

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Wow, sorry ur going thru this girl. Sounds, like he wants his space and all the fun things that a aingle guy wants and then when his done with that? his gnna xpect u to be there as if everythin is ok

[YouAreBeautiful]

The only thing you can do to figure out what is going on with him is to have a heart to heart. Send him the text "We need to talk" Tell him about how you are feeling, tell him that it is hurting you. By not doing anything you are letting your feelings bottle up. Be careful not to place blame on him or come at him too hard. He is already a little bit removed from the relationship and doing this will push him away more. Tell him that you have been feeling sad and brokenhearted by his actions. This is very important. This will be more effective at getting through to him than anything. You are being honest and vulnerable. When we hear that we are causing those feelings in someone we care about it stings. Tell him that you care about him but tell him, if this is how you feel, that you do not think you can handle a relationship where you are doing the work to see the other person and they will not do anything to communicate with you about it. Try to stay calm as long as possible, you sound very hurt and those feelings are good conditions for a stormy situation. We tend to hurt those we care about most so this is no definite sign that he does not want to be with you are anymore. Good luck, I hope it turns out for the better.

[Kayla]

thanks, yourarebeautiful. that was helpful.. i have been sitting here depressed thinking he doesnt care and forgot about me.. etc.. etc.. that can't be true. I mean, a guy isnt going to have someone over at his place several times a week and every weekend if he doesnt care? Right? Guess I just need to be reassured right now. we just texted somewhat and he said he is laying in bed sick.. so today is NOT the day to bring this to him. I admit I gave in and texted first like I said I wasnt gonna do but he responded right away. Im gonna wait it out a few more days and see.. and wait for the opportunity to talk in person. Ive heard it said before that when a guy hears "we have to talk" that it causes defenses to go up.. is that true?? this is the LAST thing I need to do to a guy that is already always on the defensive (something I have yet to figure out about him).

this just sucks. if this doesnt work out then im done with this shit forever.

[YouAreBeautiful]

I think "We Have to Talk" notifies a guy that something is not going well. If he reacts with concern and an attitude to saving the relationship, I believe that's a good sign :-) Let me know how it goes. Remember, you are beautiful!

[Agape]

"He has been divorced and has serious relationship/trust/intimacy issues which is why we have been "on and off" for two years"
"things like this have happened before where he just shuts down and completely withdraws. In the past, I have gotten hurt and mad about that and it led to arguments."
but
"I want to handle it differently this time because I have more of an understanding of him than in the past and, honestly, I am MUCH more emotionally invested in him this time than before.. we have gotten a lot closer recently. "

-

As I say to other people, weigh in the pros and cons . . . if you want to continue on with these on/off commitment issues then you need to address them. The fact you get hurt and mad about his (in)actions means that you aren't getting the time and attention you deserve . . . I understand you've gotten closer but don't continue on with a distant boyfriend.

[Kayla]

thanks for the posts. Right now I feel like I am never going to get over this. this just sucks.

[chly28]

Kayla I know how u deeply feel...This guy is he the one? Are we going to make it? Its like we don't want to be rejected so we still cling on!!!!! But sometimes you have to ask yourself these questions? I have the 3 strikes and your out rule!!!!! But if a guy trully loves you he wouldn't spend all that time trying to make you hurt....He would be the one doing the chasing and not you...Saying this to you I should hear my own advice. If you have read the thread ":Is he really into me" I have the same doubt... But for me I reacted... I try to make it better....I want to sit and talk it out.. I wrote him a letter...He took it the wrong way...hmmm ..sigh.....We all want to have the best beautiful happy ending....BUt sometimes life ain't that way.....Use me as an example. I have decided to give him at least 2 weeks. I won't contact him. I have done all I can... Trust me its really hard not focusing and thinking about him Kayla.... I know...I think about him everyday...I wish he would call me everyday....but you need to ask yourself these questions Kayla? Are you happy with him? Are you naturally being yourself with him when you are with him? Are you doing all the chasing? If you are doing all the chasing? He doesn't deserve you!!!!!For me I give myself this time frame at least I know that in the future I haven't regretted wot I did....its hard....but we will see in the long term......If not I am going to move on....life is like that at all times....

You need to ask yourself have you lost yourself into him? I know alot of questions to ask yourself...but u need to focus on urself for now......Do things that make YOU happy!!!Not him....Once you realise you are more confident with your own true self....The right person whether it be him or not will come to you..As they say "Light attracts light my dear!!!!

You need to be strong...Don't contact him...Let him contact you....also if it all turns negative...know that you are a special person and there will always be a special person right for you amongst them all.....If you think about it...who is more important? Him or u...at least you can see his true colours before anything drastic can happen........


Just go with the flow......

[sparkle_jello]

Breaking up, although hard, can sometimes be the best thing to do. Both people have to be committed to making a relationship work, he sounds a little withdrawn.

[Kayla]

update..

so I went over there two nights ago to talk.. I felt like there were some things I needed to say to him. I had decided that for better or worse I was going to lay it all out on the table and say what I needed to say. We ended up staying up ALL NIGHT long.. talking about how we felt.. and clearing the air about things. long story short- he says he is questioning whether or not he is really able to be in a relationship since as we have gotten closer, he has realized he still has issues from his marriage (well, divorce).. such as trust issues and being willing to give what it takes to make a relationship work. he says he feels as though any attempt he makes at long term relationship (marriage) is just going to lead to failure anyway.. there is also a spiritual side to this as we are both committed christains and we both have (at times) felt as though we started too soon with sex. i know that I at times have struggled with this- and we have talked many times about this topic. i know that might sound "prudish" to some people but my faith is important to me. So.. after this long long talk (i mean hours), we decide its best to take some time apart... well right after that.. i was going to go home but instead- we ended up having sex- twice!! Really intense, passionate, crazy sex, too. the best ever. i feel asleep right after that, by now it was like 3 in the morning and I had to get up at 5 for work. anyway- I got up a few hours later, more confused than ever. I didnt say anything to him just left him asleep and went to work. However, on my drive work, I still decided that I needed to stay committed to my decision and move on past this for several reasons. I had decided I was not going to contact him no matter what. Well.. two days go by and we dont talk at all. well, today we emailed back and forth and plan to see each other on saturday. I admit I was the one that initated the email, went back on what I said I was not going to do.. which I know I should not have done but I really could not stop myself. I just sent a quick "I want to see you".. he answered back in less than a minute and we talked like this for a few mins. Basically, he is missing me and same for me too... missing him so bad it hurts.

I guess I am not sure what to do now. Or what I even want.. I know I should NOT sleep with him saturday.. just go out, have fun, go home.. I am just really confused. I am even thinking about cancelling saturday... anyway- I am not sure what else to say about this.. I guess just thoughts and feed back would be nice.

Thank you

[Agape]

well it's good you got your thoughts and ideas out there . . .now you've got to follow up with your actions. . . I'd suggest not going 'cut all contacts' but steadily diminish them - listen to your head and don't see him.