Ending a long term relationship

[otherland]

I'm currently living with my girlfriend of 7+ years.

I'm at the stage where I'm almost 30 and I'm feeling the relationship isn't going in the right direction. I'm thinking about the years to come and have become concerned that my girlfriend isn't a good match.

Where things are now:

Over the past year, my girlfriend has stressed she wanted commitment from me. In her case, commitment means that she wants me to buy a house as we currently rent.

We have a small deposit saved but it's not enough to buy a place of our own. I have a good income working for myself - the problem is that banks are not too interested in lending me the money I'd need to buy a nice place unless I wait a couple more years to ensure my income is stable over the long term. Being realistic, I can't look at getting a house for 2-3 more years. My girlfriend works fulltime too but her income won't satisfy the banks terms either.

I'm at the stage where I want to consider starting a family. My girlfriend says she won't have children with me unless we own our own house. Even then, she says she'd have to settle in the house for at least a year before she'd consider having a child. To add more stress to the relationship, she says that she's not willing to have children beyond age 35. That's only 4 years away.

I offered to marry her but she says I can't offer a house, so we can't look at getting married until later.

I feel like in the next few years, I'm setting myself up for a failure. I don't see us being able to buy a house in time for us to move in, live in it for 1 year and then give us enough time to have a child before she is 35.

I get the feeling she really is not that keen on children anyway and this is just a setup, so we buy a house and then it'll be "too late" to have children. When we first started going out, she was not keen at all for children. I told her I couldn't go out with someone who didn't want children, so she told me later she thought it would be ok later in life once she'd settled down.

I've talked about this with my girlfriend and she seems to think I should just save harder, work harder and be more dedicated to her way of thinking. To make matters worse, she wants me to travel with her for a little bit which will eat into our deposit on the house.

It's got to the point where I've suffered depression and have looked at throwing in the towel. I feel like I want someone more spontaneous and flexible. My current girlfriend is so rigid that we have to work to our life goals her way. I'd rather meet someone who's got similar goals but doesn't feel the need to have a schedule or a deadline for everything.

Overall, the other aspects of our relationship are not that great. We don't have sex that often. We have started arguing more and more over the past year as it's obvious we want different things.

I feel it's so hard to break up after so long. Part of me thinks I should just give in and work toward the house, then hope the children will come along. The downside is, I know I won't live a happy life without children and if my girlfriend doesn't also feel this strong desire for children, then maybe she is just not the right one?

I'm always concerned if I throw this away, I'll hurt her badly and she'll never forgive me. I like her a a lot but it's come to the point where it seems more like a good friendship than a long term romance.

[hello1]

Get out now before you waste any more time. You two do not sound right together

[otherland]

Get out now before you waste any more time. You two do not sound right together

Thanks. I've been talking with my Dad for guidance and he thinks the same. He says she's a nice girl (the family like her) but he thinks I'm too young to put all this work toward what is relatively uncertain - especially as she's not willing to make any commitment except to buy a house. He suggests I take time away, travel and I might find what I'm looking for. Part of me likes that option but part of me feels it's just running away.

At the end of the day, I'd rather have a family. A house will come in time but I don't want to be old without a family.

[Boisdevie]

Sounds like she's expecting too much from you. If she really loved you I would think she would understand your situation. It is not your job alone to provide a house. You've been together for 7 years? I got divorced after 13 years, separated from former partner after over 8 years and I'm still doing OK. You do not have to stick with a relationship that is not working just because you have spend x years together. Doesn't work like that.

[Kayla]

seems like she cares more about a house than anything else.

[ammi00]

I'm not really sure what to say about your situation, because after all, it's only your point of view (or only one side of the story).
I don't want to have kids (ever), but if I would, I'd like to have a steady financial situation. I don't think I could start a family in unstable conditions. Maybe she's really afraid of that and scared that her future might get out of control (plus that probably she wants a place of her own).
Why is that bad if you live in a rented place (I mean, what's her point of view, why does she think it's bad?)? I think this depends a bit on the country you live in; but in US some people live in rented places for their entire life (and they have a family), and it's something normal, right?
Anyway, from how you presented your story, she seems indeed to put you under a lot of pressure (by giving you all kind of dead lines and putting conditions). If you are unhappy with this relationship, and you don't see a future for you two, then break up. It doesn't really matter that you've been together for such a long while. Why spending more time being unhappy? This won't help you. You could have a discusion with her and let her know what you think about the entire situation. But, I'll repeat... if you're unhappy, unsatisfied and you're starting to have other problems as well (communication and sexual ones), you should end this relationship.

[YouAreBeautiful]

Otherland I am almost certain your girlfriend does love you. Sometimes people don't realize how rigid they are being. I have been this way by mistake in past relationships. Let me explain. As females we are told that men who love us will do anything for us that we desire and if they aren't doing this we take it as a sign that they don't love us or aren't committed. This mentality is sometimes wrong. Like in your case. It is just not economically feasible for you to buy a house. There is a solution to this. Before you make up your mind weather or not you want to be with her, you can try to help her let her guard down. Give her the ultimate peace of mind in assuring that you love her. Then and only then, talk to her about the house, traveling, and kids. My suggestion, give her a small unexpected gift, send her roses at work with a note telling her you love her. Take her to dinner or her favorite place. Talk to her in a few days, tell her again that you love her and are happy to bend to her wishes when you can, but explain how financial peace is one thing that you need for your happiness.
It is understandable that she does not want to have kids over 35. Yes it is possible she is trying to manipulate you. However there are many dangers in a woman having kids over this age. You do not need to own a house to have kids though. I recommend looking at your financial situation, doing some calculations, and determining when you will be able to afford a house. If it looks like you wont be able to afford a house for 10-years, then perhaps she is not completely wrong and kids may get in the way of your financial situation. If it's within 5-years or so, show her that you are on track to buying a house and that you would like to try having kids while she is in prime health. She if she will wiggle. If all this fails and you still love her and want it too work, I would recommend talking to her with some kind of moderator, or possibly counselor. If all this fails, she may need to realize she is getting in her own way of happiness with someone who sounds like a great, smart, rational guy. Best of luck! Remember we are all beautiful!

[Agape]

Weight the two options

Keep on pretending things are okay and get yourself into more commitment (the house, possible kids, etc) OR end it now and try to start a new relationship and build it up from there

How long have you been thinking you two aren't a good match?