Going great, then she says she needs time to get over her ex and cant see me anymore

[m1085r]

Ok, really need ur opinion here as it's kinda specific and can't find it from general searches. And, I have to have some advice one way or another.

So, I met a girl who was 4-5 weeks out of a 9 month relationship with her ex, whom she did love at the time. They broke up because he was controlling and said she was too much for him.

Anyway, we meet and have an amazing time, shared the same interests, didn't stop talking, were comfortable around each other, got intimate early and simply all was going well.

Though she did say she could see it developing into something more, she did say, and I agreed from the off, that we should go easy and not rush things. However, as the weeks went on and we kept having good times, we started to call each other nicknames and spoke about the future, even though we always maintained we'd go slow. We met each others parents and friends and text 20 times a day. This was for 5 weeks.

Anyway, one day she says to me that she saw her ex the day before (first time since they split), and she said that she realized that by seeing him and some of the things he said to her, that she couldn't see me any more and she didn't want anything from anyone. It's not that she wants to get back with her ex, she really dislikes him for what he did to her.

So, I (and her), get upset and tell her exactly how I feel (I would have regretted it otherwise) and she just says I'm too nice to get hurt like this and she's sorry. She also said part of her wishes she wasn't saying this and wishes she'd have met a year later. Also, she says i've treat her better than any guy has done in the past. It's been a few days and we haven't text (her last text to me didn't include a kiss and was very off).

Anyway, I really like her and already miss her so much. I understand she needs time and space and am willing to give it to her, however hard it may be. But, how long do I leave it? Do I give it a couple of weeks and just give her a "Hi how are you?" text? What do I do to eventually win her back? Do I have a chance? How long must I wait? How should I play it?

Help!

Much thanks!

x

[girl68]

You walk away thinking this is over. If you do that you can move one with life. She will too if the times comes it is up to HER to decide if she wants you back and it's her job to get back in touch. In the meantime to avoid dying through heartbreak consider this over, walk forward and move on.

[m1085r]

Had things not been so good with us, and it come as such a shock, i'd find that easier. I appreciate your advice and know I must leave her. Like I say, things could be sooo good between us, but it is up to her I know. It's hard but thanks for your advice. It does help

[JELEF]

Who knows what happened exactly, but you've just got to carry on and not think about it.

Girl68,

If he's not cross at her and wouldn't mind being friends/leaving things open for the future should he tell her or have no contact all? Not a 'hey, if you want to date in the future, give me a bell' but just letting her know that he accepts her decision and will leave it at that, no hard feelings.

In other words, wouldn't she otherwise assume he wants nothing at all to do with her?

[m1085r]

JELEF- thanks for your advice there. I must add, as you've kinda brought it up there that I text her just after we'd spoke (as at the time I couldnt say what i really wanted to), saying that I really liked her, thought we could be great together, still want to remain friends and was hoping one day she'd realise how good we could be before it's too late.

She replied saying im too nice to hurt this way and that we couldn't be friends while i felt so strongly. I replied saying that I agree and in time we'll see what happens.

It's weird because she escelated our relationship every bit as much as me, I just got swept along and should've slowed it a little, sensing rebound.

She later on ttext me saying thanks for the little gift I gave her which she didnt see. Our last texts were me saying hope you had a good day and thanking her for my gift. She replied with a hope you have a good evening too and no kiss. Closed thats it.

Hope this helps you more.

[sparkle_jello]

Just be thankful she didn't waste any more of your time and go on your way. You don't want to be with her if she wants someone else, plenty of fish out there.

[JELEF]

She replied saying im too nice to hurt this way and that we couldn't be friends while i felt so strongly. I replied saying that I agree and in time we'll see what happens.

It's weird because she escelated our relationship every bit as much as me, I just got swept along and should've slowed it a little

That's what happened to me. I think I'm at the point where she doesn't want to be friends because she still thinks I care and doesn't want to lead me alone (she's dating someone else now anyway). There's no way to show someone that you don't care, because your desire to do that only shows that you do in fact care.

What's your plan? Just forget her entirely and go on about life? That's the hardest at first, but in the end, it's the easiest. He's her top priority at the moment so I'd just put it behind you and enjoy your life.

Maybe she was just overwhelmed by the situation and thought she fancied you for the wrong reasons. Who knows. Are you keen on being friends and strictly friends or could you only handle dating her? Obviously at first it's going to be hard to imagine her with another guy, but if you really get on so well with someone, it seems a shame that you'd not be able to be friends. Then again, she dumped you and she's the one who says she can't be friends with you because you care too much. So maybe she was interested in you for just a moment, assumed the best, and worked out after a few weeks that you weren't compatible.

[girl68]

I think it's better for him that he is NOT friends with her. If they are she will continue to toy with him and he'll interpert everything she does as a "sign" that she likes him or doesn't or whatever- this will only drive him insanse.

I advise that he leave it as, well I wish it could have been but for now it can't I wish you all the best and just move on, if she comes back and you're single great, if you find someone else great-ER, even better.

[JELEF]

I think it's better for him that he is NOT friends with her. If they are she will continue to toy with him and he'll interpert everything she does as a "sign" that she likes him or doesn't or whatever- this will only drive him insanse.

I advise that he leave it as, well I wish it could have been but for now it can't I wish you all the best and just move on, if she comes back and you're single great, if you find someone else great-ER, even better.

Yeah, that's definitely the easiest in the end. The uncertainty of signs will drive him mad. Good point.


Does my rationale seem right though? It seems like saying the timing's not good for her's just an easy way of letting him down gently. If the timing weren't right for him, how could it be so right with this other chap? Things probably were great, went too fast, she started to project and thought she wasn't feeling it as much as he was and that put her off.

[Agape]

5 weeks might have escalated it a bit too fast, but the fact she saw he ex and she got upset enough to call this relationship off just shows she hasn't fully recovered from her breakup

Answer is simple . . . she is not ready for a relationship . . . it's best you move on and find someone who is.

[girl68]

I'm sorry but if she's seeing someone else quickly after you fizzeled out, me thinks it had nothign to do with timing and everything to do with "it was you, not me."

Either way, there's tons of us good girls out there, move on and you'll set yourself up to meet some of them.

[m1085r]

It is a case of realising she's not ready for a relationship. He's said something to her and whatever it is, as well as seeing him, has made her realise this. It isn't (im 99.99% sure) her wanting to get back with him. She has said this herself and she has said not to like him at all.

As for could I just be friends with her? Well at the moment, obviously no. I'd like to think one day maybe, as we share a lot. However, as I feel now i'd always want to be with her properly.

Maybe I'm with tinted specs here but I don't see her as vicious in any way and I generally believe she 'fell' for me to some extent and believed she was ready. I just hope she becomes ready soon but I obviously can't wait forever for this. Also, I kind of hope that it was the one time shock of seeing him which brought this on and seeing him a few more time may make it wear off a little. Clutching at straws I know.

Normally, I can step back a little and recognize that things weren't right, however I generally do feel, in this case that we are and are unfulfilled. It's because it was so sudden. One minute all was great, then literally the next day it's all off.

On a seperate note, thanks for this it helps as i've said and seriously,if not already you could use this as practicing for a potential career in counciling ha. I've never registered with a site like this but I will, when my situation resolves it self, certainly look to write my advice to help others out.

[m1085r]

Oh and ps, what should I actually do in terms of contacting her, in order to best create a friendship or whatever? Nothing? A 'hello, how r u text" in a few weeks? Or, as has been suggested elsewhere something along the lines of "thankyou for doing what you did, it was the right thing. sorry if i pushed it too fast. hope ur well."

[Agape]

I don't know . . . you might just be opening up some more complex, troublesome situations . . . I'd say it would be unnecessary to do anything, hey, you might even be pressuring her some now?

If she needs space, give her space? . . . don't play some cat-and-mouse game, if she wants you then she can come back to you.

[JELEF]

Maybe I'm with tinted specs here but I don't see her as vicious in any way and I generally believe she 'fell' for me to some extent and believed she was ready. I just hope she becomes ready soon but I obviously can't wait forever for this. Also, I kind of hope that it was the one time shock of seeing him which brought this on and seeing him a few more time may make it wear off a little. Clutching at straws I know.

Normally, I can step back a little and recognize that things weren't right, however I generally do feel, in this case that we are and are unfulfilled. It's because it was so sudden. One minute all was great, then literally the next day it's all off.

I don't see it as at all vicious either, even though women on these type of forums want to believe it's something to that effect. Then again, they could know something we don't.

Don't wait though. That's the worst, especially if she knows you were waiting round for her. Live your life for yourself. If she wants to be a part of it, let her. If not, you don't need her. There are other women, even others with whom you may connect just as well.