Should I Tell My Friend How I Feel About Her?

[Galicia]

Hi! So I've totally fallen for my closest female friend, who I haven't known for that long (about 10 months or so). We do stuff alone together all the time - films, meals, days out, concerts, we're even going on holiday together - but I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about me. Not sure why, but I just get the feeling she doesn't.

HOWEVER, I really want to tell her how I feel about her. I'm finding it impossible to even think about any other girl apart from her and I don't think I'll be able to until I get a clear "NO" (or "yes", who knows?). Plus I just feel the need to express myself and find out where I stand.

I'm just worried that doing this will destroy our friendship. A part of me thinks she does all this stuff with me because she trusts me, and if I suddenly come out with how I feel about her she might feel that her trust was misplaced. I really care about her and value her friendship, and I don't want to ruin our relationship or make her feel upset and awkward about the situation. Should I tell her or is there a particular way I could tell her without screwing everything up?

Would really appreciate any advice/past experiences!

[JELEF]

It's tricky spot, this.

If after 10 months she's done nothing to make it clear to you that she fancies you, she probably doesn't.

If you don't mind losing her as a friend, tell her how you feel. If you think it'll ruin the friendship were you to reveal your feelings, don't.

I've had it go both ways. If you're still friends afterwards, regardless of her answer, you may have a bestie for life.

[kev1987]

I'm facing the same kind of problem here too..But I'm going to tell her anyway, better to just spit everything and give it a try rather than keep it to myself and keep on acting weird.
If she really treats you as a friend, she will understand. Things will be awkward at first, but just try to live on with it. At least you gave it a shot. Nothing wrong about that.

[MerryH]

No! Guys, don't tell your female friends that you've totally fallen for them. Treat this as you would any other girl you're interested in. Would you walk up to a casual acquaintance and blurt out something like "I've totally fallen for youuuuu! "

Look, if you lay it all out there and she doesn't feel the same way, your friendship is basically over. You're going to make her feel weird and that she might be leading you on if she continues the friendship as it has been. You're going to be embarrassed and probably not want to show your face ever again.

On the other hand, if she does feel something for you, then what? You've made this huge display of feelings that doesn't really leave any room for things to progress. So what is she supposed to do? Fall into your arms and declare her love for you? "And now we are boyfriend and girlfriend." It's just way too much shit to heap on her at once and pretty unfair.

Start flirting with her instead. If she reacts badly or seems weirded out, quit it because she doesn't like you like that. If she's flirting back, keep it up for a few days. Then ask her out on a date. Don't just say "let's go out to eat" because you guys already do that all the time. Use the word DATE so she gets that it's not just another meal and make it somewhere special. If she says no, smile and act like it's no big deal and then change the subject. There. You have now made a move without weirding her out and you'll most likely be able to keep the friendship where it is now if she's not into it. If she is, congrats. You can take it from there.

[Only-virgins]

Speak your mind and tell her. What do you have to lose? the friendship? that is already lost the second you fell for her with feelings because why be friends with someone who will torture you visually and attractively every time you see them. If you like someone you have to not see them to get over them anyway. The friendship is over already.

Anyway,

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
-Oscar Wilde

[Only-virgins]

On the other hand, if she does feel something for you, then what? You've made this huge display of feelings that doesn't really leave any room for things to progress. So what is she supposed to do? Fall into your arms and declare her love for you? "And now we are boyfriend and girlfriend." It's just way too much shit to heap on her at once and pretty unfair.

Yes it does, it leaves room for a relationship...or are we all to assume that women are all immature children who can't handle the pressure of someone opening their feelings to them?

[Agape]

Hi! So I've totally fallen for my closest female friend, who (1) I haven't known for that long (about 10 months or so).(/1) We do stuff alone together all the time - films, meals, days out, concerts, we're even going on holiday together - (2) but I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about me. (/2) Not sure why, but I just get the feeling she doesn't.

HOWEVER, I really want to tell her how I feel about her. I'm finding it impossible to even think about any other girl apart from her and I don't think I'll be able to until I get a clear "NO" (or "yes", who knows?). Plus I just feel the need to express myself and find out where I stand.

(3) I'm just worried that doing this will destroy our friendship. (/3) A part of me thinks she does all this stuff with me because she trusts me, and if I suddenly come out with how I feel about her she might feel that her trust was misplaced. I really care about her and value her friendship, and I don't want to ruin our relationship or make her feel upset and awkward about the situation. Should I tell her or is there a particular way I could tell her without screwing everything up?

Would really appreciate any advice/past experiences!

1) 10 months is kinda a while . . . most likely this friendship will stay a friendship, if there was potential the tension should have built up for the past few months.
2) If you haven't been growing naturally closer then it's probably too late
3) That's the risk you take . . .risk the friendship in hopes that you can get something more, a relationship.

That being said, either you tell her or you don't. If you don't tell her then you'll just continue to feel worse. If you do tell her it might make things awkward and might even end the friendship. . . what I'd suggest is gradually increase intimacy and see how she reacts.

[MerryH]

Immature children? I'm not sure where you got that.

Both of the guys in this thread who have feelings for their female friend are wanting to unload all their pent-up feelings onto her to make themselves feel better. Look:

Plus I just feel the need to express myself and find out where I stand.

better to just spit everything and give it a try rather than keep it to myself and keep on acting weird.

It's unfair, in my opinion.

Laying it all out there doesn't give her a chance to let you down gently and continue the friendship as it was. People are actually capable of remaining friends with someone who they have had feelings for, and vice-versa. The possibility of that happening after you've made some big dorky proclamation of love is a lot smaller, though. And that's what the OP is asking about. How not to ruin everything.

Yes it does, it leaves room for a relationship

But so does asking her out on a date. Why do you have to start off so big?

Serious question to anyone that thinks laying it all out there is a good idea: What would be the ideal response from the girl? Best possible outcome. I'm honestly curious because I'm trying really hard to imagine it but I just can't see it going well.

[Only-virgins]

Immature children? I'm not sure where you got that.

Both of the guys in this thread who have feelings for their female friend are wanting to unload all their pent-up feelings onto her to make themselves feel better. Look:





It's unfair, in my opinion.

Laying it all out there doesn't give her a chance to let you down gently and continue the friendship as it was. People are actually capable of remaining friends with someone who they have had feelings for, and vice-versa. The possibility of that happening after you've made some big dorky proclamation of love is a lot smaller, though. And that's what the OP is asking about. How not to ruin everything.



But so does asking her out on a date. Why do you have to start off so big?

Serious question to anyone that thinks laying it all out there is a good idea: What would be the ideal response from the girl? Best possible outcome. I'm honestly curious because I'm trying really hard to imagine it but I just can't see it going well.

"hey I have grown attached to you lately and would like to go on a date to see if we can get this further then friendship."

I had in mind something like that. Obviously he isn't going to burst into the room yelling "I love you! Marry me!"

Honestly, your reply made me laugh. It is really silly. You seem to think that some long term friendship is possible now? I mean I give this guy the benefit of the doubt when he claims his feelings for her so I assume they are really strong. Thus what happens when she starts seeing someone and talking to her good friend here about it? I assume more heart ache. Worrying about losing a Saturday night bowling buddy? gimmie a break. It is completely fair to do what he wants to if he wants to be honest with her and her reaction determines in my opinion her level of maturity. You say he can't show his feelings because it isn't fair she might lose her xbox Sunday night buddy. Friendship is so over-rated it isn't even funny. Join a Karate class and you have 20 new friends, seriously. It is ALWAYS worth risking the friendship and just deal with the consequence. That's my view and I stick with it.

The last girl who asked me and give me the "lets just be friends" speech got you know what answer from me? The answer was literally "ok". Never seen her since lol.

You are over-complicating her options. Her options are simple.
A: "You know what, I was hoping you would say something because I have lately felt something for you also"
B:"No, I don't feel the same way"
C: *Pick her nose*
D: * Freak out* cause she is an idiot.

[MerryH]

You are over-complicating her options. Her options are simple.
A: "You know what, I was hoping you would say something because I have lately felt something for you also"

Yes, but then what? Then you go out on dates, no? So just start with a date.

"hey I have grown attached to you lately and would like to go on a date to see if we can get this further then friendship."

Yeah, that bolded part sounds good enough. The rest is unnecessary, unless you truly don't give a shit how she reacts.

You seem to think that some long term friendship is possible now?

I really do think it's possible. If you actually enjoy someone's company and don't just see them as a hole to ****, why not try to stay friends if you can handle it? I do agree with you that it can be hard or impossible for some people to remain friends with a girl who doesn't like them back. OP would be totally in his right to end the friendship if he can't deal with a platonic one. But it's not "silly" to value someone enough that you'd be okay with being just friends.

[Galicia]

Thanks guys. Appreciate the help.

You've made this huge display of feelings that doesn't really leave any room for things to progress. So what is she supposed to do? Fall into your arms and declare her love for you? "And now we are boyfriend and girlfriend." It's just way too much shit to heap on her at once and pretty unfair.

Good point. A part of me kind of knows this but doesn't want to admit it.

Then ask her out on a date. Don't just say "let's go out to eat" because you guys already do that all the time. Use the word DATE so she gets that it's not just another meal and make it somewhere special.

Problem is don't you think that would be weird too? When we go out for a meal we tend to go somewhere "special" anyway. The idea that suddenly it's a "date" when it was never a date before just seems odd to me. I don't think either of us would know how to behave differently or what we were each expected to do. It would be like giving a couple of shit actors a part to play, and I can't see it going well.

Both of the guys in this thread who have feelings for their female friend are wanting to unload all their pent-up feelings onto her to make themselves feel better.

You couldn't be more right. Don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that though. And for as long as I'm hiding my feelings I'm hiding something important from her, which kind of feels like dishonesty.

Serious question to anyone that thinks laying it all out there is a good idea: What would be the ideal response from the girl? Best possible outcome. I'm honestly curious because I'm trying really hard to imagine it but I just can't see it going well.

I guess something like "I'm glad you said this because I've been feeling the same way about you". God knows what happens after that though. I do agree with you totally about the need for a relationship to progress, but I think I could get round that problem by telling her in a particular way. Maybe?

[JELEF]

Look, if you lay it all out there and she doesn't feel the same way, your friendship is basically over. You're going to make her feel weird and that she might be leading you on if she continues the friendship as it has been. You're going to be embarrassed and probably not want to show your face ever again.

Not necessarily true. It can be weird, but it depends on the person. If she's made to feel weird out of a fear of leading you on, make it clear that she can't. If she says she's not got feelings (and probably'll not develop them), if you can accept her as strictly a friend and carry on, there's no problem. You can tell/show her that you understand that you'll only ever be friends and that you're ok with it.

I've gone through this three times with my best friend we couldn't be closer as friends. We think of eachother more or less as brother and sister now, which is perfect because I don't fancy her in the least anymore.

[JELEF]

It's unfair, in my opinion.

Laying it all out there doesn't give her a chance to let you down gently and continue the friendship as it was. People are actually capable of remaining friends with someone who they have had feelings for, and vice-versa. The possibility of that happening after you've made some big dorky proclamation of love is a lot smaller, though. And that's what the OP is asking about. How not to ruin everything.

I agree with that. It is rather selfish, especially if there've been no hints after 10 months or you're not ridiculously close.

[Only-virgins]

I guess something like "I'm glad you said this because I've been feeling the same way about you". God knows what happens after that though.

A hug and a kiss maybe? Why not. Ok then don't tell her, keep your friend. I'm sure you'll make a good shoulder to cry on when she starts doing someone else.

[MerryH]

And for as long as I'm hiding my feelings I'm hiding something important from her, which kind of feels like dishonesty.

It's not dishonest. You don't have to share every thought or emotion with everyone at all times. Some things you should keep private, like that time you had a sex dream about Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Problem is don't you think that would be weird too? When we go out for a meal we tend to go somewhere "special" anyway. The idea that suddenly it's a "date" when it was never a date before just seems odd to me.

Yeah, it might be weird. But hopefully if you've been flirty back and forth with each other, you might fall into it naturally and just have a good time. And hey, if it's terrible and way too weird, then it will just be for one night - the night of your "date", instead of tainting your friendship forever. You guys can both just pretend it never happened. Or even better, try again.

I don't think either of us would know how to behave differently or what we were each expected to do. It would be like giving a couple of shit actors a part to play, and I can't see it going well.

I hope neither of you would behave differently. A date is just a date. It doesn't have to be a big deal, and you don't have to expect anything from each other. In fact, tell her that. Maybe, "Hey wanna go to the zoo(whatever) and then to dinner this Saturday? Like as a date. Don't worry, I won't expect anything of you, I just want to treat you to a nice time and I've always kind of wondered what it would be like to go on a date with you. Also, can I touch your boobs?" Oh wait, no, not that last part. But maybe the rest. That could work. Maybe?

Anyway, good luck. : )