Should I work on it or should I let it go?

[soulsurvivor23]

The situation i'm having is that I have been seeing this girl for about 3 months now, but i've known her for much longer than that. She has a child and an ex bf who is a deadbeat. So basically we we met in my freshman year of college. She was a little older than me and was a senior at the time so even though I had a bit of a crush on her we became more of friends than anything. So now what happened is that we reconnected sometime earlier this year after keeping in contact through facebook and phone. We hit it off so well (via long distance) that we were both really excited to see each other after a little over 2 months of dating long distance.

When I saw her there was an instant spark, one that we had both felt before but never acted upon. She threw her arms around me and we kissed and at that moment it felt like everything was gonna be great between us. We went to her home (which she lives at with 2 of her sisters, her niece, and her daughter) and I met with the sisters and children. They all seemed to like me and warmed up to me really fast so there wasn't much of a problem there.

Then the week started and all of a sudden the whole dynamic changed. She works 8 hours a day basically to support the other 4 people in the house. One of her sisters does a babysitting job to bring in an additional income but it's not much. So during the week I basically just sat at home with her daughter, her niece, and her sisters doing pretty much nothing except tv and computer. We didn't go on one date, we spend zero alone time together, and when we finally did have one or two spare moments she was too tired to do anything. So for the time i've been here i've felt like i'm living like a 40 year old man when i'm only 23 years old.

So, after thinking about it all rationally I decided it would be best to talk the situation out with her before making any rash decisions. I told her that I understand how stressful her situation is, and how much responsibility she has but that I feel the need to actually do some things as a couple every once in awhile to keep the spark going in the relationship (or in this case, get it started since we've only actually physically been a couple in the same location for a couple of weeks). I hoped her response would be something reassuring such as "yes i'm sorry we haven't been able to do anything so far. i don't have the time right now but maybe we can plan something special for the near future." or something to that affect.

Instead I get something along the lines of "do you know what I go through for this family? do you know what it's like being basically the only income for this family and raising my child with no father? do you know what it's like to have to beg and plead for rides to the grocery store or to work and sometimes wondering where the next meal for the kids will come from? Do you know what it's like not being able to go out for any personal fun for a year and a half and only being able to leave the house for food, or for work? So this is the situation right now, and pretty much take it or leave it. That's it."

And after getting that type of response to my question, I feel like I just want to end it right now. I don't have a child but I do have plenty of problems of my own. Thousands of dollars in College debt and no degree to show for it, problems with my parents when I tried to return home from school, problems with trying to find a job, and then when you add the weight of all her shit I just feel it's too much for me. Prior to this discussion we had tonight I had hoped we could find a way to make it work but now she just left me with the feeling that I want to call it quits, immediately. Should I stay and work on it or should I just call it a day and move on?

[MerryH]

How long ago did that conversation happen? Because if it was recent (as in yesterday), I'd say give her some time to think on it. A rational, caring person would surely understand how you feel, and would want to make an effort to compromise. It's possible she felt sort of attacked and reacted badly. Hopefully she'll come to her senses.

If she doesn't, I really think you should move on. That's a huge red flag that you're going to be shit on a lot in the future. I mean, look, you said "I have this problem I'd like to work out with you" and her response was basically "Me me me me me me me. DEAL WITH IT, BITCH." You've been sitting around her house without her while you're on vacation to visit with her specifically (right? please tell me you haven't moved in with her.) If she can't understand how this would suck really hard for you, then she has problems with empathizing with others. That's never good for a relationship.

[Infern0]

You have to understand that she is trapped in an awful situation, if you care about her, do what you can to let her know she's not alone because right now she seems like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

It's a less than ideal situation, but if you really care for her then its worth a little more effort surely.

[soulsurvivor23]

The conversation happened a little bit tonight and the night before so it's still fresh. I mean I understand the burden she has to bear, but a part of me just feels like i'm being robbed everytime she chooses to use the little spare time she has on hanging with her sisters, watching movies, and playing with the kids. It's just a hard situation to step into, very hard and I don't know what to do.

[IncognitoSir]

Too bad she couldn't of been a lot more upfront about all of this from the start. With your problems and her situation. I can't see this working out. You see, she was dreaming of a fairy tale when you guys were doing the long distance thing. Once you got past that and arrived at reality, you can see that a real relationship between you two cant work. She cant put you before any over the other things in her life or several people will have to suffer. You need to sit her down and calmly tell her this. She may get a bit angry with you but don't worry, it's just the stress in her life. I'm sure she REALLLY like you, but she has a lot of responsibility to deal with.