How to get over this mental "hurdle"?

[Indestructible]

I know I often post here, complaining about how I've never been in a relationship, can't catch a girl's attention, etc., but after doing some deep thinking, I think I've uncovered a nasty little "hurdle" that's probably holding me back quite a bit, and I'm not sure how to overcome it, per se.

I hate to make this next bit sound like some kind of sob story, but I don't know how to word it any better. See, I'm not as "thick-skinned" as a lot of other guys are; I can't help but take things too heart, and be a bit more sensitive about stuff. And growing up (especially back a few years ago, when I was still in high school), I think I've sort of been "trained", by the girls that have drifted in and out of my life, to stay away from them. I've had girls make me feel offended just because I might've glanced in their general direction. One time, a "friend" (and I use that term very loosely) asked some girl that I didn't even know if she'd go out with me, and she literally laughed in my face.

I... don't really get it, either. I mean, I know I'm far from "good-looking" (by nature, not because I don't "try" hard enough), but I try to make myself as presentable as I possibly can at all times. I try to be as polite and sincere as I can. I may be a bit on the quiet, reserved side, quite often, but I don't feel I do so in a negative way, that would offend anyone or otherwise turn people away. So I can't help but wonder what it is I'm doing wrong.

That's a whole other issue, though. The "problem" I realized I'm plagued with is that I almost never really find myself attracted to any girls I'd meet, so I, of course, never pursue anything with them, and at best, they might become a mutual friend. That's been bugging me, but I think I understand why, now. I think I've sort of fallen into the assumption that girls just aren't going to like me (in a "more than friends" way), no matter what I do, so I don't even think to look at them in that way, or try for something more, because in my mind, "what's the point?". Hell, I'm often so afraid of turning them away, that I try not to look at girls too much (so as to not appear to be "checking them out"), and I try to be very selective with what I say, making sure I don't say anything that could be misconstrued as "flirtatious". Not that I act cold or "nervous" around girls, usually more "indifferent", I'd say. Actually, as "unmasculine" as this may sound, I think I generally feel more comfortable around girls than other guys.

Anyway, I basically had a similar issue with just making friends in general. Also when I was growing up, I seemed to always fall into crowds that would usually end up berating me, humiliating me, cutting me down, and overall, making me miserable. So I often stop myself from getting too close to people, because in my mind, I can't help but think "They're probably just going to end up hating you and cutting you down"). The only thing that really helps that along is, well, time. The people I'd call my "friends", at the moment, have been in my lives for 1-2 years, and I've slowly become a bit more comfortable around them over that time period. I can sort of "loosen up" around them a bit more.

Unfortunately, that's not a practice that really works with trying to get a date. Realistically, it's not exactly feasible to expect to be able to get to spend that kind of time time with a girl, and become more comfortable around her, and THEN start dating her (although, my "ideal relationship" is one that starts off as a friendship and grows into something more over time).

So... How, exactly, am I supposed to get over this "hurdle" I have? How do I stop myself from assuming no girl I meet would be interested in anything more than friendship? How do I stop feeling frustration over what it is I'm "doing wrong" in attracting girls? How do I allow myself to become more comfortable around a person much more quickly than I do now?

[mywitsend]

Sorry to be so blunt, but if you don't love yourself; how is anyone else going to?
Seems to me like your intelligent, well spoken/written, and genuine. Give yourself some credit and other people will as well. While on the one hand, ladies like sensitive men, no one, let me repeat that NO ONE, likes a doormat. If people berate you or use you, stand up for yourself politely but firmly. It will increase your confidence and a bi product of that is people will respect you more, and you'll feel even better. So its like a positive circle.
Don't worry about not having many relationships, seems to me if your not meeting women you like, you're right to stay single.
Get out of your own head, thinking about how you will be percieved; and realize the only opinion of yourself that really matters in the long haul is your own. Good luck but I'm sure things will work out for ya!

[VincenzoG91]

You need to become more confident and assertive, because those are positive qualities to have and women are attracted to those qualities.

There are self-help books that can help you learn about assertive communication. Confidence is something that you can fake until you have it. You can also build up confidence with success. Figure out what you're good at and keep at it, to build your confidence.

Aside from all that, you mentioned that you "almost never really find myself attracted to any girls I'd meet..." That's a problem. Maybe you're repressing how you feel about men. More likely, your standards are too high, causing you to shut out too many women that you might have a shot at dating. Of the few women that you are attracted to, what qualities do they have in common? If it's just physical, like you prefer women with great bodies, maybe you could get a gym membership or get involved in a specific athletic activity that will bring you into contact with more women like that.

[Indestructible]

Aside from all that, you mentioned that you "almost never really find myself attracted to any girls I'd meet..." That's a problem. Maybe you're repressing how you feel about men.

What, like a "gay" thing? Eh... I'll admit, when I realized I wasn't "attracted" to the girls that were drifting through my life, I got a bit freaked out and started wondering if maybe I "swung the other way", to put it nicely, but I quickly realized I'm not "attracted" to men. I'm not "aroused" by men, nor am I even really "curious" about it. On a very basic (sexual) level, I'm definitely attracted to women, but unlike other guys, who seemingly just pick who they want to pursue based on how physically attractive they are, I look for more than that. Honestly, it's hard to put into words what, exactly, I look for; I guess the "right chemistry" would be the easiest way to put it. I want to be with a girl that really meshes with my personality, my sense of humor, etc. I'd like to be with a girl that's more outgoing and extroverted than I am (as that'd help me "come out of my shell" a bit), but at the same time, patient enough to let me go at my own pace.

Not many girls have ever given me the right "vibe" that we'd connect in that way. There was only ever one girl I felt REALLY strongly for (knew her for years), and for some reason, being around her always made me feel so happy, and confident on the inside. A few years ago, I was so confident that her and I would be good together (despite knowing that she typically dated guys that were much better looking, more outgoing, etc. than I've ever been), that I worked up the courage to ask her out. She wasn't hurtful about it, at all (basically just shot me down without actually saying as much), but things got awkward between us, and confused and upset, I ended up making things even more awkward, and I haven't seen or heard from her since. I've always felt awful about that whole situation, and I hate that I pushed her out of my life completely.

So, in a way, I guess I sort of have a "fear of rejection", as well. But, only in the sense that, I worry that if/ when I find another girl I feel as strongly about (seems to be quite rare), I'll likely end up blowing my chance, just like I did with that last girl. It's no big deal to get turned down asking out a girl you don't know too well, but to find a girl that just seems to have so many of the qualities I'm looking for, and mess things up? That's just pretty crushing. :/

[VincenzoG91]

I can relate to the part about not being thick-skinned. Even when I'm wearing glasses, people often tell me that I look like a cop or a thug. But I was a sensitive guy, and took rejection from women pretty hard at first.

The trick is to try often enough that failure becomes less upsetting. It's like how some martial artists toughen their hands. They get a bucket full of sand and practice punching into the sand. As their hands get tougher, they eventually replace the sand with gravel, and then finally rocks.

This doesn't mean that you need to ask out a bunch of women that you aren't really attracted to. Instead, just try to engage a wide variety of women in conversations, and you will more about the kinds of things that interest various women and keep them engaged in a conversation. Sometimes a conversation will go really well, and suddenly a woman will drop in a reference to her husband or boyfriend. That's a sign that she started to think of you in terms of a guy who might be potential dating material, so she needed to warn you that she was already involved. I took that as a positive, that I had moved out of a safe zone where a woman couldn't even imagine being asked out by me. Since you say you are more interested in chemistry than mere looks, this kind of activity will help you find your kind of woman.

One easy way to get some practice is to go shopping at an off-peak time. Act like you are shopping for a present for your mother or sister and chat up various female sales clerks for as long as you can.

[all alone]

Sorry to be so blunt, but if you don't love yourself; how is anyone else going to?

Bingo.. won't solve your problem, but thats an important piece of the puzzle you can't simply ignore..

[justcheckin]

hey man you are not alone in the "feelings" department. I also find myself kinda "soft" at times, but I don't think it is a bad thing at all. It makes me more human, haha. As far as not being attracted to any girls that you meet, and looking for that "right" one, I can also relate to that. You see I work at a bar, and I am around hundreds of women at a time. Only, I am not attracted to girls that drink like that. So you could be the hottest girl in the world and I would have no interest in you, other then the fact that I might think they are hot. I am big on personality, and believe that personality is what will/wont keep two people together. That is going to be a big problem though, because its hard to get to know somebody enough that you can begin to understand their personality. People like to put up a front when you are just "small talking." It takes times to understand somebodies actual train of thoughts/etc. That is tough because that means that you need to figure out a way to spend enough time with that person to understand who they really are. This is not something I personally think that will just "happen" in one day, it is not possible. I mean you could fall head over heels for somebody at first sight, but you still dont KNOW the person until hours of conversation and going through the basics... where are you from... whats yoru story... how did you get here.... what does your future look like... etc, etc.

Your best bet man is to just start meeting people and trying to break YOURSELF out of your social shell. Nobody can do that for you. I can tell you WANT to, but you got to actually do it. You have heard the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink" right? Thats so true. You can get a girlfriend that is outgoing, but she will not be able to "make" you social. You are the only one that can change that. Get a job where you are forced to be around people and make conversation. Working at the bar has been one of the best jobs I have ever had. Not because I like drinking (i dont lol), but because it changed me from an introvert to and extrovert, and now I have no problems talking to anybody, girls, guys, authority, strangers, etc. You slowly learn that everybody is just like you. They all eat/sleep/breathe etc. There is no difference between you and somebody that is the most popular guy in school. The only difference is that they are not scared about what people think and they put themselves out there for social situations. You can be just like that. You just got to want it, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THe only person stopping you is yourself. THATS IT!

Sometimes, you just gotta drink a big glass of "**** it" and just live life. Who cares what people think man. You gotta just open up and get out there and LIVEEE

[Indestructible]

Bingo.. won't solve your problem, but thats an important piece of the puzzle you can't simply ignore..

I don't... really know what that means, though. I mean, I wouldn't say I "dislike" myself. I used to, but I'm not that bad with it, anymore. Granted, I'm very aware of my flaws, and unfortunately, some of my "natural" flaws (i.e. the ones I can't just work to improve) are kind of a deterrent to girls. But other than that, I don't necessarily "dislike" who I am. A bit frustrated that I can't quite decide who I want to "be", but that's a different story.

@ justcheckin

Well, I didn't necessarily mean that an outgoing girlfriend would "make" me more social, but I find that when I'm around people that I'm familiar and comfortable with, I can loosen up a bit more. If I'm on my own, or stuck in a group of people I don't really know, that's when I just sort of close myself off, because I assume people would either just get weirded out by me trying to befriend them, or I'd be more of a bother to them, or something like that. The only ways I can get more acquainted with people I don't know too well are either when I'm in a situation where I'm forced to, or if I meet people through friends. I don't know that I have it in me to be the kind of guy that can just go strike up a conversation with random people, or anything like that, yanno?

[all alone]

I don't... really know what that means, though. I mean, I wouldn't say I "dislike" myself. I used to, but I'm not that bad with it, anymore. Granted, I'm very aware of my flaws, and unfortunately, some of my "natural" flaws (i.e. the ones I can't just work to improve) are kind of a deterrent to girls. But other than that, I don't necessarily "dislike" who I am. A bit frustrated that I can't quite decide who I want to "be", but that's a different story.

Yeah, i understand.. its not always the easiest thing to know.. i mean I used to THINK that I was alright with myself. I mean for the most part I was.. but the real thing is I didn't cut myself any breaks. I was really hard on myself even if it came to simple situations involving relationships. I knew it, but it took some time for me to really realize that, grasp it, then start to change it.. maybe an entire year in fact. You really have to work to changing your total mind frame, then afterwards once your comfortable with yourself again, you will feel the difference.

I don't mean learning to "love yourself" doesn't mean you hate yourself or dislike yourself wither for that matter.. you could simply be very passive and indifferent. But once you get to this stage you will gain a lot of confidence in yourself because it stems from the right place, from within.