just got off the phone with my ex after a month of NC

[just-me]

Well, it's been approximately a month. She did text me few times before with few questions but we didn't talk.
Now she texted me with the question how to fill out the check for the rent. I called her few minutes later and it felt good hearing from her again. She sounded a lot more down to earth and she cracked a joke how dumb she is for those things. I felt very positive and that showed in our conversation. In the beginning she was maybe a little bit reserved then she seamed to start finding ways to talk to me longer. She said I still have some clothes left and I should pick it up. Now I'm not sure if she just wants to jsut get rid of that stuff or she wanted to see me because I felt like she wanted me to come over ASAP. I told her I've been busy and I'm not sure when I'll make it and also I asked her to leave my mail in the mailbox making it look like I just want to pick it up without seeing her. It seemed like she would really like to see me because after it was obvious that I'm not coming to pick up my stuff soon she later invited me to a bbq party of our mutual friend tomorrow. I told her that I've changed my schedule and I don't think I'll make it but I left the possibility open. I'm not sure what to think about all this. I know she wanted to stay friends and this could be just an attempt to reconnect with me as a friend. I'm glad we finally opened lines of communication but now I need to make sure not to be around every time she needs me. I don't want to become her shoulder for crying.

Once we were done with the technical stuff she asked me how have I been. I responded with "you know, strikes and gutters, ups and downs" referring to a line of our favorite movie. That made her relaxed and we had a nice little chat after that.
I asked how was her trip to California and she said it was great and she definitely wants to move there in the future. Nothing new, she wanted it even before.

I don't know what to think, I feel like I'm getting closer but I'm afraid I could blow it! I think the bond is still there, we're just missing the spark and her new guy is in our way. Well, kind of at least, he doesn't live here but I'm not sure if that's advantage or not.

Any advice is welcome.

I also tried to use "we" and "us" whenever appropriate during our conversation in an attempt to recreate bond on subconscious level. I also did keep it clear that I respect her decision to separate by referring to "her" apartment and things like that

[powerslave]

Dear friend,you gave her the best answer:I've been busy and I'm not sure when I'll make it
but let me know,be honest,are you trying to get her back?
PLEASE PLEASE be careful ,,,i experienced exactly this situation 10 days ago......my ex girlfriend of 5 years of relationship started to breaking my NC only after a week,she told me that she is so depresed and feeling alone and told me that if you still love me let me bring back your books to you,and she came to my home finally,she thought i'm with someone else,after she noticed that i'm not with another girl,she makes herself confident about me, but as i show her that i'm getting over her,she started sending lovely test messages,i thought she is showing me the way for communication,and i'm achiveing getting her back,but some days later she disappeared suddenly and never answered my sms till now.BE CAREFUL,its Just a game and maybe she is playing with you.

[MerryH]

You're kind of weird.

Everything is "I will say X so she will feel Y." You're like a robot or something. "Beep Boop. Launch favorite movie references for maximum human emotional bonding." I mean, look at this shit:

also tried to use "we" and "us" whenever appropriate during our conversation in an attempt to recreate bond on subconscious level. I also did keep it clear that I respect her decision to separate by referring to "her" apartment and things like that

Stop being manipulative and just go with the flow. If you don't want to be friends with her, fine, stop talking to her. If you want to get back together, then be clear about it.

[IncognitoSir]

You're kind of weird.

Everything is "I will say X so she will feel Y." You're like a robot or something. "Beep Boop. Launch favorite movie references for maximum human emotional bonding." I mean, look at this shit:



Stop being manipulative and just go with the flow. If you don't want to be friends with her, fine, stop talking to her. If you want to get back together, then be clear about it.

Ahhhh, the force is strong with this one!

[just-me]

You're kind of weird.

Everything is "I will say X so she will feel Y." You're like a robot or something. "Beep Boop. Launch favorite movie references for maximum human emotional bonding." I mean, look at this shit:



Stop being manipulative and just go with the flow. If you don't want to be friends with her, fine, stop talking to her. If you want to get back together, then be clear about it.

Well, I followed your advice before I had a chance to read this. Last night I bumped into her while I was picking up my mail from my old apartment mailbox and we ended up having dinner and went to the gym together. I did ask her if she thinks we could ever get back together and she gave me such great answer "I don't think so". Simple NO would've been better. Anyway I told her that I need to know what happened for my own sanity because I thought we had a perfect relationship. She said we did have a perfect relationship and she'd lost her feelings for me because of life issues we had (unrelated to our relationship). She didn't really say that she fell in love with the new guy but that's obvious, she left only after she met him. She said she wants to be friends and she cares about me as a friend and I told her that I will try but if my feelings for her start growing again I'll have to break it off. She asked me why I'm so emotional and why can't I just get over it. I'm sorry, you had 7 months to get over me (since she started losing feelings) and all I've had is less than two months!
Interestingly enough, she used WE and US so many times that I had to start correcting her "honey it's YOUR apartment, or YOU have to go to the store". Maybe you believe that you can control your own feelings, thoughts and subconscious but I think you're wrong. It may seem manipulative but I don't see why wouldn't I remind her of our past, bring up good memories or anything that could make her feel the way she felt for me before. She had lost her feelings not because our relationship was bad but because of very specific issue that I explained in details in some other topic.
When I asked her how she feels about us doing all this stuff together tonight the way we used to before she said it feels normal. She said it doesn't feel nostalgic or anything. I'm sorry but it's really hard to suck that up. She's a human being with emotions although very good at hiding emotions. I know how emotional she always was when we'd go places that meant a lot to us. And now cooking with me, driving with me in a car (she admitted she still loves it) makes her feel nothing? yeah right. When after gym I offered her a joyride, something we used to do all the time for no reason and always enjoyed it, she excitedly accepted. I told her we'll just do it next time because it's late and I have a long way home. She was also very excited cooking with me, she wanted me to go with her to mutual friends bbq and wouldn't take no as an answer. I said I will not go regardless. I know she loves spending time with me but the new guy is preventing any deeper feelings. I'm not sure I can reach those feelings and I'm not sure she's ever admit if she wanted me back but if there is anything I can do I''ll do it.
I'm aware that she's very determined not to get back with me, that's why she broke up with me in the first place, but I don't believe she's completely over it. I'm not having too much hope though and I'm definitely trying to live my life like she'll never come back.

[Enigmos]

It sounds like you're her plan B. Do you want to be treated this way?

[j1023]

I know how you feel man I definitely do. As I am typing this, my chest is killing me, which it has been for a few hours now. I've gotten bad sleep, slight anxiety at the moment, etc. I'm not going to go into my whole story here, as I have posted my whole story on this site if you would like to read it. I actually posted the whole story under "ask a female," but I also just posted something under this forum as well. I was cheated on by my gf/fiance of 2 1/2 years with another guy multiple times (3 as I know of....), and I found that out in early june. Well, we tried to make things work, or well I did, and she admitted to pushing me away due to her own guilt, then we had no contact for about 2 weeks or so, she ends up with the guy she cheated on me with (who is an asshole that she vented to me about a week ago), and now that we are in contact again, I expressed to her today over txt and phone how I still was in love with her, and how I wished I could see her and she told me she loved me too, and that she made a lot of mistakes and she was sorry, and I told her that we both made a lot of mistakes but we always made it through together. And we spoke on the phone for a few, then she somewhat got upset with me about how I have hung out with her sister, who is like a sister to me, and I am good friends with her sister's bf, but we both have always felt that her sister liked me, but I would never do anything with her anyway, but my ex started getting irritable about how it would bother her a little if I slept with someone else, but that she would kill me and her sister if we ever did anything to that nature, which that would never happen and thats what I told her. Well, we exchanged love you's and got off the phone, then I txt and told her that I wished I could see her just to talk and show her how good I've gotten on the guitar, and that I hoped her day went great and I love her. She txt back and said "thanks u 2 i love you too." and that was it.

There is definitely more to the whole story behind me being cheated on, but all in all, I still do love her, and I'm not going to hide my feelings or try to mask them like I did, because thats not the person I am, but I do know how you feel man, I definitely do as far as still loving your ex and wanting things to be different. All we can do is hope and pray for the best and know that we are the better guys =) they will eventually realize that.

[just-me]

@enigmos
Most definitely I don't want to be her plan B! To be honest though, I don't think she has any plans in her life since our break up. She's going out, partying, traveling and blowing her money away like there's no tomorrow! While we were together she was always trying to save and look into the future. We both love travel but lately we were not going anywhere and she was always complaining how we need more money. Although we had a nice savings we had to pay a lot to lawyers in order to get out of crap we'd gotten into. It seems like she just doesn't care about anything anymore including her life and future!
All this while I'm stuck with paying bills for the company we started together few months ago! I'm not able to work on it and I don't wanna give it up because of all the money we invested. Why the hell would a person start something this serious with someone she was planning to leave? As I said earlier, we were discussing buying a condo few weeks before break up! When I asked her about it she just said she wasn't sure. When I told her how much she messed me up with this she apologized and that was it!

@j1023
I feel sorry for you man, your girl is messing with you even more than mine! at least mine is not telling me "I love you" because she obviously doesn't!
It's funny how good guys always end up with b***s and vice versa. I'm not sure they'll ever realize that though.
Now just to be fair, I've done my fair share of dumping but I've never played with anyone's feelings. I feel sorry for my previous ex because she loved me and I loved her too, but when I moved she wasn't ready to move right away. long distance didn't work because I met my current ex. and with her I just had ordinary relationship, with my current ex it was a whole different story! the way we met, things we had done for each other and all the risk we took for each other, the way we'd built our life together, that was something I will never have a chance to experience with anyone else and neither will she! That was something worth treasuring and fighting for and we were both proud of it. Now she's acting like nothing happened! When I think about it, that person is not worth me and my love. I should be glad all this happened because she'd shown who she really is. Instead of sticking with me through the hardest part of our lives she was only concerned about herself and she just gave up on everything we had! I can't believe I still love her! And I consider myself a logical person, now I can't fight my own damn feelings. I still cry every f***n night, mostly when driving home on highway in the middle of the night! The other night I had a state trooper on my tail and I realized I was driving 25mph over speed limit! I have no idea why he didn't pull me over.
I'm not even interested in women but I do have very strong sexual desire! Still the idea of having sex with someone I'm not at least attracted to makes me sick! Jeez, does anybody know where to find a hooker in Chicago?

[j1023]

I definitely can relate to you on the fact that when my ex was with me, she was also into saving money, and looking forward to the future. We would always cook together and watch movies and sometimes go out on certain occasions, and went through a lot together, from almost moving to florida on 2 different occasions, to being away from one another for almost a half a year while she was away for basic training, to money issues due to the economy here being so bad and me struggling to find a job at the time, etc. Now everything has changed and it happened so fast and out of nowhere too =( earlier this year we took a trip to tennessee together for a week and also stopped and visited my family there as well, and we both know each other's families quite well actually, so everything seemed great like nothing could have ever torn us apart =( then once she met this girl, who she is now rooming with, I feel like thats where she started to change a little, and through her, she met this guy too, or well through a mutual friend of theirs....

Now I sit here heartbroken missing her day after day, and I have not heard anything from her since we spoke and I expressed my feelings to her yesterday....although I'm not saying I expect her to contact me cause that is completely up to her and I know she is busy and has a life too, but at the same time i should just take the hint i feel..... =( I have not gotten good sleep either, for the past 3-4 days, I have went from bad dream about her and this guy, to erotic dreams about me and her, to erotic dreams about her and this guy (which are more like depressing nightmares), to all at once, paired with chest pain and anxiety as well =(

I can relate to you also on having a very strong sexual desire too. But the thought of having sex with another woman that I barely know at all just doesn't settle with me too well, and thats not the kind of person I am either.

[just-me]

@j1023

Wow, my story is so similar to yours man. We had this road trip 5-6 months before break up and we had great time. We had plans for our future almost until the end of our relationship.
My ex also started hanging out with this girl who she hated when they just met. It was our mutual friend's girlfriend and she was one of those girls who cared only about getting attention, her nails, hair and she was totally opposite from my ex.
Then they started hanging out more and more, this girl broke up with her bf on the very same day as we did! now they're roommates and that's not helping my ex come to her senses either. Jeez, my ex started acting like a stupid teenager, not a 26 year old!
My ex is very busy with her life because she has enough party friends while most of my friends are either married or in a relationship. Plus I can't go out much because of work, basically saturday and sunday is the only time I can hang out with people and now I live in suburbs which makes it even harder to meet new people and find a girl. I know it would be the best to find someone I really like and forget about my ex, but it's nearly impossible. I'm trying to get a job in a restaurant now because that's the best way to meet young people who love to have fun. And now the winter is coming, it's gonna be a very long and depressing winter and being alone in my apartment scares me! Even if I find a girlfriend We're not going to live together anyway, at least not until it gets serious and I really need someone next to me at night. I need someone to wake up with and drink coffee in the morning, I need someone to be there when I come home from work. I had all that for so many years...
I don't know how my ex can enjoy it either, she's in a long distance relationship and she's probably missing the same.
My chest pain is almost completely gone, but sense of emptiness is still very strong. I cry so much that I''m embarrassed to admit! Even when my father died I hardly cried and I'm very good with controlling my feelings but this is just so much stronger than me. I'd give everything just to get my old life back! I just can't function normally, take care of business or my life and as the time goes by I'm having less and less hope for us. Actually I have almost no hope at all.
I have this one life and I'm wasting it. I have so much love to give and I have no one to give it to. I don't know what to do. Everything seems forced on me.

[j1023]

I know how you feel about being alone =( The first 8-9 months of our relationship, we didn't live together, but were always with one another a good bit, then we both moved into my mother's and everything was going great! She left for basic training, and we both quit smoking cold turkey, and we both cried, then we ended up starting smoking again when she got to her advanced training. Everything was great, I mean we had our arguments here and there, but every relationship is going to have arguments. The she met that girl, cause they are both in the guard, and from there things just started to become very different. First she started acting different around this girl, who had a bf at the time, but cheated on him as well....this girl is the complete opposite of how my ex was as well. She was all about attention and was really bitchy (although I'm not a fan of that word), but yet she has a daughter and is 22, so I would expect for her to be more mature....Well, my ex started hanging with her, then they started hanging with another guy in the guard, and his roommate is the guy that my ex cheated on me with, and is now with.....And my ex doesn't like the girl who she met and ended up moving in with that much anymore either, and she didn't like her all that much when she decided to move in with her right after I had found out about her cheating on me....and to be honest I feel like my ex changed the way she was just to impress this guy, based on a few things I have seen a while back....

It just really upsets me cause everything was so great, then came this girl, then all of this!!!! I tried to suppress my feelings because I thought that would be for the best, not to let her see me down, but after a few weeks, I just couldn't do it anymore because thats not the person I am. Even though hope for her and I isn't looking to great, I would rather be honest with her about how I feel about her, rather than not at all. I expressed my feelings to her yesterday about how I still loved her so much and how I wished I could see her and talk to her, and she told me she still loved me too, and that she made a lot of mistakes and was sorry, and I told her that we both made mistakes but always made it through them together, then we spoke on the phone for a few, then she told me she loved me and I told her the same and we got off the phone. I told her the day before that, that I missed her everyday, but she never said anything to that, and I haven't heard from her at all today......not that I expect her to contact me, cause thats completely up to her. I would love to see her to at least express how I feel even though I know it may not change anything, I would rather let her know how I truly still feel about her than to just mask how I feel... but until then, I generally don't try contacting her unless she contacts me, but I feel like she waits for me to contact her sometimes.... And yes I definitely hate being alone at night when I've been so used to having her next to me =( and of course now she lays next to somebody else, and probably is as I type this! =( I just wish she would express how she really feels, cause I feel like she still has guilt about everything and is trying to keep me distanced because of that =(

My neighbor told me that all I can do is just pray and hope for the best. And she told me that I was fine as far as my looks and that I have an amazing personality, and that if my ex can't see that then she doesn't deserve to be with me.... Now I'm going to go play some guitar, because its one of the only things that somewhat clears my head, which is why I've gotten pretty good at guitar lately, or either I read. I too have so much love to give, and of course have no one to give it to either =( I know how you feel on that.... most of my friends are also either married or in relationships, or either are more of the type to stay away from big crowds and what not, or maybe have smaller parties. It just upsets me so much, because I really am such a great guy and did anything to make her happy, and stuck by her side even at her low and even through tough times, and now this is how things are!

[just-me]

The best thing for both of us would be just to get over it and move on, but it's easier said than done.

My ex has changed so much too, bad influence of her new roommate I guess. She's looks and acts like a teenager not a 26 years old! Life is good n easy, fun, drinking, parties while real deep problem that tore us apart still lingers and she will have to face it very soon.

I was told that I have a great personality and I'm reasonably good looking, but definitely not the type girls will be fighting over. I'm not a guy who will pick up girl with few pick up lines at the bar. Most of my relationships came after a short period of friendship, after the girl realizes that I'm the man every girl would want to have. Even my ex didn't fall in love with me at first sight. I wasn't really her type of guy, blond, tall, with nice body but she fell in love with me after two months of friendship.

Dunno man, I'm tired of this s**t, I wanted to play more guitar too but I can't make myself. All I do is sit at the computer and I smoke way too much! I need to quit again, but I just can't. I do go to the gym now regularly and that makes me feel a lot better. I look a lot better than I have in last few years, almost like when we just met. I've lost 20lbs and now I'm at 188lbs (5.9 tall). Even my ex told me that I've lost a lot of weight, that was something she always wanted me to do for her, but now she said she doesn't care about my body anymore. Yeah, well, someone definitely will.

Winter is coming and it's gonna be a long one for me. Even if I find somebody we're obviously not gonna live together at least in the beginning and I need that so much! I wonder how my ex feels because she sleeps alone too (LD) but at least she has her roommate to drink coffee with in the morning. Her roommate's dead beat boyfriend also stays at her place almost every night without paying a dime. Yeah, living for free in downtown chicago sounds like a great deal, a lot better than living with mom and dad in suburbs. How do I get that?

[j1023]

its definitely easier said than done..... :,(. I'm a pretty slim guy, about 5'7 118-120 lbs lean muscle build, and I have been eating a lot more and working out to make it into the army and get out of here. And lately there has been so much going on that I just feel like going out somewhere in the middle of nowhere and just scream out loud! But I definitely understand how you feel, because I am the same way as far as women go. I'm like the guy that every women would want to have too...breakfast in bed, messages all the time, and great, unique personality etc. Which is why I never understand how this could happen to me :,(.

But everybody has told me just to keep my head up and know that eventually things will come full circle and karma will come back around one day.....I still do love her very much and have always been there for her, but I just don't understand how one second she can tell me that she still loves me, then the next second she doesn't bother to contact me hardly at all, and is sleeping with the guy she slept with behind my back and has pics and stuff of them on fb already......I wish things could be different for her and I, but I guess that may never happen and I must keep moving on and staying strong....

I had a friend of mine and his gf tell me they wanted to hook me up with this one girl just for a little intimacy, and she is pretty cute, but at the same time, thats not the man that I am. And I know that I shouldn't care due to the fact that my ex is over here doing the same thing, hurting me, but at the same time my feelings for her are still strong =,(. But I just will never understand how she can be this way towards me now and mask her feelings away after all we had together for 2 1/2 years and all we've been through together.....

[just-me]

My ex went crazy about the looks lately and she always complained about my weight. Well, I'm 5.9 and I had 208lbs, now I slimmed down to 188 due to stress and workout. Even she told me last time I saw her that I've lost a lot of weight but she "doesn't care about my body anymore". Whatever, somebody else will. Girls sometimes tell me that I'm cute, sometimes downright hot, but I guess I was not good enough for my ex. Ok, she's hot and good looking, but definitely not the best looking girl out there.
Dunno, she definitely wants to keep me as a part time boyfriend, when she needs something and now I'm playing nice preparing her for a big surprise once she asks for a bigger favor. Today she spilled something on her phone so she asked me if I have a spare. Sure honey, I'll give it to you tomorrow. I'm just waiting until she needs help with the car. We had this 01 bimmer which is now hers and that car will require some major maintenance soon. I was gonna do it myself because I love working on cars and it was my car, but now she'll have to take care of it. She's expecting my help and she told me that already. When she asks me for that I've prepared a nice little speech for her. I'm not going to make it easy on her new bf. I won''t be taking the hard part of realtionship while he's taking only the fun part. She wants to keep the best part of our relationship, me taking care of her, while he's supposed to give her everything else. Yeah right. What do I get in return? I might even downright ask her if she's sleep with me, because that's the only thing she could give me at this point. I probably won't though Anyway, after this she probably won't even talk to me anymore, but I just don't really give a s**t anymore. She has nothing to offer anymore and I'll make damn sure she knows that. She's used to getting everything she wants, it's about time for someone to put her down to earth. And I'll be glad to do it.
She's 26 now, when we met she was 20 and all the guys she dated were kids. She'd never experienced a heartbreak, everything was always the way she wanted it. Her new guy is a grown up man and I'm sure he won't be putting up with her s**t for too long. She's a very self centered person and I was a fool letting her get away with it. I think she'll have a really hard time finding an idiot like me. Welcome to a grown ups world girl. I hope I'll be around too see her all broken up in pieces and it will certainly happen soon. Her new guy is an low key actor and I don't think he has any reason to deal with her crap. He could have loads of girls better and hotter than her. And she really fell in love. Maybe I'm mean, but I think she really deserves a lesson. I don't wish anything bad upon her, but a little lesson would be nice. Gosh, I'd really like to see her crawling back once I'm completely over her. I am mean I know. I'm hurt and I don't even love her anymore. I just miss all the things we had together. And I miss the person I thought she was. Rant over.
I also had friends trying to hook me up with some girls I even went to a date with one, but I'm just not the kind of person who would take advantage of a girl who is interested in him. I'm not ready for a realtionship and I don't wanna hurt anybody. I really need to go and find someone for a one night stand, but I don't have anybody to go to such places. I guess I might just go alone and try to pick up someone. I don't even know how to do it anymore. IN last 9 years I had 2 long term relationships and I feel like I'm totally out of touch with pick-up games. I guess I'll just have to go ahead and do it. I guess all I have to do is to get drunk and let the magic happen.
I know how you feel about all this man. I don't understand either how she can be like this after 5 years and all we've been through. I mean does she ever look back and wonder if she made a mistake? How could once loving person become so cold blooded? She still lives in our old apartment, almost nothing has changed, I wonder if when she goes to bed alone there is anything missing? And why the hell she wants to be friends and do things with me the way we used to to them when we were together? She enjoyed cooking with me the other day when we got together. She enjoyed riding with me in our car when we went to the gym. Yet she said all she has is good memories, no feelings or regrets whatsoever.
I don't know what to think anymore. She's on my mind 24/7 even though I know it's over. It's been almost 2 months and she's not coming back. I'm not sure if I want her back anymore.

[ecenur]

i think you need some time