How to comfort her after emotional abuse?

[teel]

I have this close girlfriend, who had a terrible relationship before me for one year, the guy was emotionally abusive. I have read a lot on this topic, they had everything according to the rulebook: excessive jealousy, he was constatly monitoring what she was doing, fits of rage when she didn't do what he wanted to, etc. She broke up with her more than one month ago, but she kept talking to him on the phone. She was absolutely sure it's over, he wanted to continue, so just like he was following the emotional abuse rulebook, he started calling her names, talking bad to her, etc.

Now she finally took the big step: she refused answering to the phone. So of course, just as the textbook says, came the big guns: he will kill himself. She is a smart girl, learned psychology in college, so when I told her about all this being part of the game he plays, she knew it... but she is still scared. She plans to go to her friend for the weekend, which I think is a very good idea, the friend will be able to comfort her more. She says her whole weekend is ruined, she will worry if he did something stupid...

Now what can I possibly say more to comfort her? I know he won't kill himself, even she knows on an intellectual level... it does not fit an emotional abuser's psychological profile. He might hurt himself to grab her attention though. The problem is that I only speak to her on the chat, she's about 100 miles away from me, and I can't even go there to provide comfort. I am glad her friend is close though.

[ammi00]

As I was reading what you wrote, I felt as if I'm reading about myself. I went through the EXACT same thing, and you'd be amazed how many other women went through something similar.
It's absolutely horrible. These guys love control, I could even say there is something sadistic in their behaviour. It seems that it always goes the same: at first, they try controlling you using a superior attitude, and when this stops working, they start playing the "victim" role.
I've been threatened in so many ways... and after this stopped, the whole "I'm gonna kill myself and it's your fault" thing started.
Now... I'm going to tell you what I did, and what my current boyfriend told me... this helped me, and it should help your girlfriend too. Btw, you say there is distance separating you two... this was also my case ( with my partner being 6000 miles away - much more than 100 miles, hah )
First of all, I ignored him. This is that time when they (the guys) can't believe this is happening, so they start insisting more and more. It's also a time when they get mad (because things don't work as they wish) - and even if most of them won't actually do anything, you can never know how will they react (they might get violent for real) - this is why you should be careful.
Next, you could tell her that even if this guy commits suicide, or if he harms himself - it is definitely not her fault. He is emotionally unstable (if he's able to do something like this) - and why in the world would you like to deal with someone who's not normal? Sooner or later something bad will happen with that person.
You should tell her that she took a great decision by not answering to his phone calls, and that she has to stay strong for a while, and not let herself impressed by what he says. Tell her that she has her whole life ahead, and this guy is going to represent a "lesson learned". It's important to tell her that whatever happens it's not her fault, that the guy isn't normal... and you can't deal with insane people; constantly remind her that she's strong and everything will end eventually.
You say you're 100 miles away. That's not THAT much. If it's possible for you, you could go and visit her (after she spends her weekend at her friend, which is a good idea). There are times when I'm having problems with strangers on the street, and I wish my bf to be near me - and let me tell you that this is something very important for a girl. If you can make it, go there
In my case, everything completely stopped after a couple of months. Most of the time these guys stop when they are ignored; and they lose interest when they realize they have no more control over you (because, after all, that's what sparks their interest, "control"). But, just in case, it's always a good idea to keep an eye open.
I hope everything will turn out fine for both of you!

[teel]

Thank you ammi, that is about what I tried to do. The good news is she's feeling a little better now, she was very depressed on Friday night, he was literally calling her every single minute - fortunately she was with her friends, and they gave her power to resist answering. How long do you think this will go on, until he gives up? It should be quite clear to him that she won't go back, and calling her names is only making it worse... but what can you do, you can't argue with a mental disorder.

My heart breaks for her, and I would do anything to be there with her. The thing is we never actually met, and she wanted to close this chapter in her life before she moves on. I think it's a smart move, and I know she likes me, and we may have a chance together, but I don't want to rush anything, I would only make it worse.

I'm derailing my own topic here, but I'm missing her so much. This is going on for one month now, and I am like a zombie, walking through life without getting much done, barely sleeping. And I know this will go on for a while like this. It's so hard... but I can't, and don't want to do anything to rush her. If someone has any advice how to live while you wait for months for your love, I'd love to hear I go out with friends, just recently have signed up for dance lessons... but nothing can really take my mind off her.

[ammi00]

If he doesn't stop calling her, she could change her phone number OR contact her phone company, explain the situation and ask for his number to be blocked (so she won't receive his calls anymore).
In my case, my ex stopped calling and threatening me after one month or so, but for the next couple of months he continued sending me e-mails (I didn't even want to read them) & messages. In the end, he stopped and nothing else happened.
You say that it should be clear to him that she won't go back, and I agree with you - I'm pretty sure he knows it, but he's unstable so who knows what's in his head... his ego is also hurt, so now he's freaking out. Tell your lady friend, that even after all this stops, she shouldn't talk to him anymore, and she should try avoiding him as much as possible.
It's ok that you don't want to rush her that should make her feel better. And, while you're not together (physically) you should just continue your life... Probably it doesn't seem like much help, but it's the only thing you can do. It's also really good that you found yourself some activities - they'll make time pass by more quickly. Meanwhile, you can also send her messages and e-mails, so she'll know that you're thinking about her.
Good luck!

[teel]

Thanks again. I suggested to her to block the number, but she says then he'll start calling her parents, and it's better this way, she doesn't want her parents to be upset. He already called them and told some lies about her. It's so annoying even to me, who's half stranger. I can understand the feeling of loss, but why make life miserable to everyone, just because things didn't work out? Argh...

She knows I think about her, in fact I'm afraid I'm pushing it too far... We talk every day on the phone or chat, webcam. And I know I should just get on with my life, but I wish there were some way to shut down parts of my brain until further notice (and no, don't suggest drugs ) She's going through a very difficult period, and the last thing she needs is to be concerned about my emotional needs too. She's the kind of person who just wants everyone to be happy (she's a social worker and she loves it) which unfortunately makes her vulnerable to just these kind of attacks - she was still talking on the phone with her ex after break up every day for one month, although she was being abused even in this time, and she knew she shouldn't talk, but she didn't want to hurt him. She suffered a lot in her life, even before this. The good persons are always the ones who are hurt the most... I feel I'm simply ready to do anything to bring some happiness in her life too, she deserves it fully. I just wish I knew how...

[ammi00]

How old are you (both of you)? I'm only curious.
You have to remain "strong" for her and congrats for waiting for her and not pushing her into anything.
The fact that she's so sensitive isn't very great, it makes her vulnerable. She must understand she comes first; if she wishes good for others and wants to help them... she must be fine... and oh well, alive (not depressed, scared and terrorized). She should put some more emphasis on her, and stop being worried for some lunatic as*holes.

[teel]

32 and 28... we are both past our first marriage, which makes it even weirder, one would think we have enough experience to be past these kinds of problems.

[teel]

I'm so mad right now I could scream! He is the master of deception! She agreed to meet with him to talk about things... She knows it's bad to meet, but she hopes she can fix things without causing too much pain for the people around them. I don't know what to do... if it were for me, right now I would just beat the s* out of that guy. It's annoying beyond words...

[ConfusedAlex]

I'm so mad right now I could scream! He is the master of deception! She agreed to meet with him to talk about things... She knows it's bad to meet, but she hopes she can fix things without causing too much pain for the people around them. I don't know what to do... if it were for me, right now I would just beat the s* out of that guy. It's annoying beyond words...

Perhaps you should consider that she has unresolved feelings about him. If her relationship with him is infringing on her relationship with you, then it is a problem. And it is her problem to sort out; you're not the one who dragged the carcass of a previous relationship into the current one.

I'm not the sort of person to give ultimatums, I think that I would have maybe once in the relationships I've been in. Having said that, you might need to make it clear to your girlfriend that if she doesn't sort this out, it might put you in an untenable situation. You've made it clear that you're doing your best to try to comfort her, take her feelings into account.. it doesn't appear that she is giving you the same consideration.

To clarify the situation though, have you told her how this interaction with her ex affects you?

[teel]

Alex, I think you are confused in what's happening here too... we do not have a relationship together. I love her and try to do what is best for her. I know it sounds corny and all, but time will solve things for me... if it doesn't work out, I can gather myself and move on, all the while I gained a good friend.

Anyway, I do think she still has some remains of feelings towards the guy, but right now that is not her driving force. She wants to minimize the damage he does. I wish her good luck... but I think she's making a huge mistake.

[ConfusedAlex]

Alex, I think you are confused in what's happening here too... we do not have a relationship together. I love her and try to do what is best for her. I know it sounds corny and all, but time will solve things for me... if it doesn't work out, I can gather myself and move on, all the while I gained a good friend.

Anyway, I do think she still has some remains of feelings towards the guy, but right now that is not her driving force. She wants to minimize the damage he does. I wish her good luck... but I think she's making a huge mistake.

Huh? You're not in a relationship with her? I certainly am as confused as my handle would indicate. You called her your girlfriend in the first post, I'm not quite sure what the problem is if she's a friend. I think the forum is generally for romantic and not platonic love. However, being the sort of guy that will humour almost anything, my advice is, stay out of it.

She's an adult, she can make her own decisions.

[teel]

what I meant is my friend, who happens to be a girl, sorry for confusing you. My love for her is not platonic, I thought I was clear on that. She is not ready for me, and I wait, just like the good guys should do. She told me quite clearly that she likes me very much. I would feel like an ahole for pushing myself on her when she's so down, just to satisfy my needs. No Alex, I really mean I love her, and that means wanting what's best for her even if that means my needs are postponed.

And anyway if friends don't help friends in hard times, just because they are adults too, why are they called "friends"? This is exactly the duty of a friend...

[kats86]

You have done all you can..how long has he been pulling this crap on her? You gave her your opinion...and she will decide what's to happen. If she's strong enough to ignore him for a long enough time he will give up if he sees that his behaviour is not affecting her. Maybe she should tell his family about him threatening suicide...how long were they together before, does she know any of his friends?