Can't figure out why I don't love him

[quietandshy]

Hi. I'm new here and hope it's not rude to come and post something like this as your first post.

My best friend recently told me he was in love with me. While sometimes I think I might have a crush on him I'm really not sold on the idea that I feel the same way towards him. Some background information: we live hours apart, I've known him for 3-4 years, and I've never dated anyone before, been in any relationship, or kissed anyone before him (I am 20 years old).

We've kissed and done other stuff. While this is all enjoyable I don't feel anything when I kiss him. I don't feel much passion. But then again....do I really know what passion is with my being so inexperienced?

He is a great guy. He is gentle, sweet, and sensitive when he's around me. He sends me cute gifts and writes cute love notes. I'm fairly convinced he is completely head over heels. I told him from the beginning that I didn't feel the same way about him, and when he told me he loved me he told me he wasn't expecting me to say it back to him.

What really hurts me is how much I care about him. He is my best friend. When he told me he loved me, I cried. I'm still not sure why. I think it was because I've always thought those words were some of the most beautiful words that could be spoken, and I really wanted to say them back to him but I couldn't do that honestly. I'm not the type of girl who cries over everything, so this really threw me for a loop.

I've seen him two times in the last year, both for a few days at a time. During both visits, we both cried when we said good bye at the airport. He's not the crying type either. It felt like my stomach was being tied into knots and then ripped out of me when I had to let him go. I couldn't get him off my mind for days.

I have been trying to convince myself that I love him and want to be in a relationship with him for the past few months. We're in a really weird place right now where we act like we're dating. We call each other every night and talk until we fall asleep, we text message all day, we go on webcam when we're home.

When we visit each other we hook up. Sometimes I really want to go further in our physical relationship but I remind myself that I won't give up my virginity until I'm with someone I'm in love with. I also feel really guilty about kissing him when I'm unsure of my feelings. I've told him that tons of times and he said to not worry about it, that it would hurt him more if I didn't want to kiss him. I guess I'm worried I'm letting my own personal enjoyment override my consideration for his feelings. I feel like by being physical with him, I'm giving him some hope that may or may not be false. But I also think I might be doing this to try to convince myself that I do feel for him...or that I want to make the most out of the little time we have together.

All in all, I'm just plain confused. Why do I feel attracted towards him sometimes and then the next day think I feel nothing? Is it because of the distance? Is it because I'm inexperienced? It is because I don't want to lose his friendship? Why do I cry when we say good bye to each other? Because I've never had this kind of intimacy before? I've always had trouble getting close to people, both as friends and obviously in the romance department. Am I really am in love with him and just haven't realized it? Am I just trying to justify my hooking up with him?

Any help would be great. Thanks for reading.

[JELEF]

I also feel really guilty about kissing him when I'm unsure of my feelings. I've told him that tons of times and he said to not worry about it, that it would hurt him more if I didn't want to kiss him. I guess I'm worried I'm letting my own personal enjoyment override my consideration for his feelings. I feel like by being physical with him, I'm giving him some hope that may or may not be false. But I also think I might be doing this to try to convince myself that I do feel for him...or that I want to make the most out of the little time we have together.

Kind of concerned about this bit. If you feel guilty, don't do it. You'll lead him on and you're trying to force yourself to feel something which may or may not be there. Perhaps his expectations are forcing you into a tough spot? You don't want to disappoint him, so make it clear that you're uncertain. You need more time. Don't let him rush things. (Funny how I can say this with confidence to you as an outsider, but when I was in the same position as this chap, I had no idea how I was making the girl feel!)

...and the bit about him being hurt more if you didn't kiss him... It sounds like he's trying to rationalize why you should kiss even if you've got doubts. Don't.

You are confused. You've got feelings for him as you do care about him, but you can't be certain to what degree. Slow down and take your time. You're only going to mess both of you about if you carry on as is.

[quietandshy]

Kind of concerned about this bit. If you feel guilty, don't do it. You'll lead him on and you're trying to force yourself to feel something which may or may not be there. Perhaps his expectations are forcing you into a tough spot? You don't want to disappoint him, so make it clear that you're uncertain. You need more time. Don't let him rush things. (Funny how I can say this with confidence to you as an outsider, but when I was in the same position as this chap, I had no idea how I was making the girl feel!)

...and the bit about him being hurt more if you didn't kiss him... It sounds like he's trying to rationalize why you should kiss even if you've got doubts. Don't.

You are confused. You've got feelings for him as you do care about him, but you can't be certain to what degree. Slow down and take your time. You're only going to mess both of you about if you carry on as is.

Thanks for your reply.

I guess I feel guilty because I DO feel like I'm leading him on. At the same time, I have made it abundantly clear that I'm really totally unsure at this point. I made this clear from the beginning. He isn't really rushing things and said he will wait as long as it takes but I really think it's cruel of me to drag it out much longer. I really don't think I'll be certain of things until we aren't long distance and that is going to take at least another year or year in a half. And even if he does move here, I don't want him to make that move based on the idea that "Oh she'll get with me if I live closer" because what if I'm still wrong?

[JELEF]

I guess I feel guilty because I DO feel like I'm leading him on. At the same time, I have made it abundantly clear that I'm really totally unsure at this point. I made this clear from the beginning. He isn't really rushing things and said he will wait as long as it takes but I really think it's cruel of me to drag it out much longer. I really don't think I'll be certain of things until we aren't long distance and that is going to take at least another year or year in a half. And even if he does move here, I don't want him to make that move based on the idea that "Oh she'll get with me if I live closer" because what if I'm still wrong?

Perhaps our situations are more similar than I thought. I hadn't realized hours was effectively long-distance. I thought you meant an inconvenient drive. I think the girl was feeling the same things as you, though I did rush things. She had feelings but had doubts as well. She couldn't be certain which way they'd fall and felt like she was leading me on, even though she hadn't meant to do. I read way too much into things. We were also not going to be living in the same country for another year. I wasn't being realistic (he's not) and she was (you are). Oh, and I'm 27, she's 22.

What are you thinking you ought to do to sort this out? You obviously can't continue as things are. It's going to make both of you suffer, and for very little reward unless things magically work out in one year.

I'm not sure how best to handle this. I can tell you what she did though, as it was for the best, and I'm not sure there's really a better way to sort it out.

I pushed things to the point where you're at. She knew I was really falling for her, but she knew she wasn't feeling the same and was afraid of hurting me by not being ready to reciprocate. Things couldn't remain as they were. She told me basically what you've posted here. I didn't understand that she was trying to say she was afraid and was trying to do what's best for both of us even though it's so difficult and painful to do. I told her it's ok if she's got doubts, as had I, but that I feel like it's worth a punt (sounds like what's said). Dragged out the conversation longer than I should've as I thought I could 'convince' her. She went travelling and we stopped talkign regularly for a few weeks. During that time I apologized for misunderstanding what she was saying and told her I wasn't mad at all. I told her she was right and we should slow down, take some steps backwards. We were both happy to be back on the same page.

So up to that point, the two of you can be fine I think. Tell him what you've told us. Be prepared for him not accepting it though.

In my case, I misunderstood what she was posting on Facebook and thought she had taken what I said the wrong way. I thought I had broken her heart so I wanted to reassure her that I do like her, etc etc etc. Made a fool of myself. We've not spoken really in a month or longer now. She also met someone while she was travelling and she's mad for him. She's certain of her feelings towards him.

That could happen to you as well. Maybe you'll meet someone and there's no doubt whatsoever. If you don't tell your friend now, how's he going to take it if there's someone new? He'll be heart broken because he's living a fantasy at the moment. I'm stuck at this point now. Not sure if I should try to be friends so that in a year when we're in the same country, we still know eachother (and leave open the possibility, even if remote, that there could be something between us again).

I don't think there's an easy way to sort this out. Don't let it continue though. Either be friends and strictly friends for now or nothing.

[quietandshy]

No...we live a plane ride apart. In the same country though. And yeah, it does seem like our situations are really similar.

As for what I'm going to do to sort this out I really don't know. We talked the other night about how I can't make sense of my feelings. He thought I should "take a chance" and just see what happens. He seemed to be under the impression that I did have feelings for him but was just afraid to say it. Then I reminded him that it could go either way....that I viewed "taking a chance" as making a decision one way or the other. I could either make the decision to tell him I had feelings for him (people screw up friendships all the time when they enter relationships) or make the decision that I didn't. I asked him what would happen if I told him I had come to the conclusion that I didn't have feelings for him. He said he couldn't make predictions like that, which is an honest and true answer, I think. I was hoping he would say, "Well I'd be disappointed but still want to remain friends with you."

Honestly I think I'm just scared of losing him as a friend. If I tell him I don't want to be in a relationship, will he desert me because it isn't enough? He said a while back he decided he wouldn't feel OK with *just* being friends which is why he told me he loved me. But he's also said he would wait as long as it took for me to be sure about things. So it seems like he really thinks I love him and just haven't realized it yet. From my perspective, I don't know what I feel. Maybe I love him or maybe I don't.

I guess my thread title is a bit misleading in that it seems to put forth that I don't love him and can't figure out why....when really it's more I don't know whether or not I do and I can't figure out which it is.

When I'm with him it definitely feels like a crush. I feel attracted to him...which is why I think I let myself kiss him. It was really hard not to. Maybe not love yet, but it does feel like there's *something* there. I just don't feel any spark when we kiss, which is what has me concerned. And as much as I miss him when I'm away from him, there are some days that are worse than others. Some days I think I don't have any romantic feelings for him at all.

I think I will tell him I think we should slow things down. I think I made a mistake kissing him this past visit. It feels like a friends with benefits type relationship and he is worth much more to me than that.

Thanks again for your input.

Perhaps our situations are more similar than I thought. I hadn't realized hours was effectively long-distance. I thought you meant an inconvenient drive. I think the girl was feeling the same things as you, though I did rush things. She had feelings but had doubts as well. She couldn't be certain which way they'd fall and felt like she was leading me on, even though she hadn't meant to do. I read way too much into things. We were also not going to be living in the same country for another year. I wasn't being realistic (he's not) and she was (you are). Oh, and I'm 27, she's 22.

What are you thinking you ought to do to sort this out? You obviously can't continue as things are. It's going to make both of you suffer, and for very little reward unless things magically work out in one year.

I'm not sure how best to handle this. I can tell you what she did though, as it was for the best, and I'm not sure there's really a better way to sort it out.

I pushed things to the point where you're at. She knew I was really falling for her, but she knew she wasn't feeling the same and was afraid of hurting me by not being ready to reciprocate. Things couldn't remain as they were. She told me basically what you've posted here. I didn't understand that she was trying to say she was afraid and was trying to do what's best for both of us even though it's so difficult and painful to do. I told her it's ok if she's got doubts, as had I, but that I feel like it's worth a punt (sounds like what's said). Dragged out the conversation longer than I should've as I thought I could 'convince' her. She went travelling and we stopped talkign regularly for a few weeks. During that time I apologized for misunderstanding what she was saying and told her I wasn't mad at all. I told her she was right and we should slow down, take some steps backwards. We were both happy to be back on the same page.

So up to that point, the two of you can be fine I think. Tell him what you've told us. Be prepared for him not accepting it though.

In my case, I misunderstood what she was posting on Facebook and thought she had taken what I said the wrong way. I thought I had broken her heart so I wanted to reassure her that I do like her, etc etc etc. Made a fool of myself. We've not spoken really in a month or longer now. She also met someone while she was travelling and she's mad for him. She's certain of her feelings towards him.

That could happen to you as well. Maybe you'll meet someone and there's no doubt whatsoever. If you don't tell your friend now, how's he going to take it if there's someone new? He'll be heart broken because he's living a fantasy at the moment. I'm stuck at this point now. Not sure if I should try to be friends so that in a year when we're in the same country, we still know eachother (and leave open the possibility, even if remote, that there could be something between us again).

I don't think there's an easy way to sort this out. Don't let it continue though. Either be friends and strictly friends for now or nothing.

[JELEF]

As for what I'm going to do to sort this out I really don't know. We talked the other night about how I can't make sense of my feelings. He thought I should "take a chance" and just see what happens. He seemed to be under the impression that I did have feelings for him but was just afraid to say it. Then I reminded him that it could go either way....that I viewed "taking a chance" as making a decision one way or the other. I could either make the decision to tell him I had feelings for him (people screw up friendships all the time when they enter relationships) or make the decision that I didn't. I asked him what would happen if I told him I had come to the conclusion that I didn't have feelings for him. He said he couldn't make predictions like that, which is an honest and true answer, I think. I was hoping he would say, "Well I'd be disappointed but still want to remain friends with you."

'Take a chance.' I did the exact same thing. I kind of feel like less of a fool now as I thought a normal person wouldn't have done what I did. The whole thing kicked off because I wanted to fly out to see her and travel together for 10 days. She was excited because she wanted to see me (probably just like you, it felt good being together), but she felt like a trip represented too much and she was uncertain. She had the same fears, what if it doesn't end well? She said she had feelings but 'not enough to remove doubt'. If you're afraid but not 'taking a chance' you're passing up a potential romance, you're not. If you were certain of your feelings, then you might be. But distance is not for those who are uncertain.

Take some steps back, slow down, and keep things friendly. Perhaps the attraction fades over time. If it doesn't, when you're together in a year or 18 months, the distance and time was moot as you're back to where you had started, nothing lost but some months really.

If he's rushing for a decision on this now, he'll rush other things. What if you tell him you love him and he says 'ok, if you love me, let's sleep together'. Are you ready for that? He's got to show that he can control himself at this stage if you're to trust him later on. If you don't want a relationship and he wants nothing to do with you, that's his problem. What's the alternative, you pretend to fancy him in order to keep him as a friend?

If you're strictly going off that 'spark' I can tell you that I've never really felt it, not from a kiss. Even during sex, I don't always feel it all times. But there are moments of passion when it all comes together and it feels right. It's always been something in the eyes, a smile, or an expression on her face that provides the spark. Perhaps men and women are different and women know to trust sparks? Maybe that's what undid me.

If he truly cares about you as he says he does, he'll accept your decision (maybe not straight away, but eventually). I've been in situations like this several times and the people I truly cared about, I accepted as friends and strictly friends. In fact, they've turn into besties. If I thought I could love someone as a lover, I could love them as a friend. Anything to the contrary is selfish.


Oh, and I think I have lost her as a friend, which's made me feel awful as I'd accept her as only that. So be honest with him if he's doing something that's annoying you. You're both looking at the same thing from two completely different perspectives and it's hard to understand the other's point of view. Be blunt if you must.

[quietandshy]

'Take a chance.' I did the exact same thing. I kind of feel like less of a fool now as I thought a normal person wouldn't have done what I did. The whole thing kicked off because I wanted to fly out to see her and travel together for 10 days. She was excited because she wanted to see me (probably just like you, it felt good being together), but she felt like a trip represented too much and she was uncertain. She had the same fears, what if it doesn't end well? She said she had feelings but 'not enough to remove doubt'. If you're afraid but not 'taking a chance' you're passing up a potential romance, you're not. If you were certain of your feelings, then you might be. But distance is not for those who are uncertain.

Take some steps back, slow down, and keep things friendly. Perhaps the attraction fades over time. If it doesn't, when you're together in a year or 18 months, the distance and time was moot as you're back to where you had started, nothing lost but some months really.

If he's rushing for a decision on this now, he'll rush other things. What if you tell him you love him and he says 'ok, if you love me, let's sleep together'. Are you ready for that? He's got to show that he can control himself at this stage if you're to trust him later on. If you don't want a relationship and he wants nothing to do with you, that's his problem. What's the alternative, you pretend to fancy him in order to keep him as a friend?

If you're strictly going off that 'spark' I can tell you that I've never really felt it, not from a kiss. Even during sex, I don't always feel it all times. But there are moments of passion when it all comes together and it feels right. It's always been something in the eyes, a smile, or an expression on her face that provides the spark. Perhaps men and women are different and women know to trust sparks? Maybe that's what undid me.

If he truly cares about you as he says he does, he'll accept your decision (maybe not straight away, but eventually). I've been in situations like this several times and the people I truly cared about, I accepted as friends and strictly friends. In fact, they've turn into besties. If I thought I could love someone as a lover, I could love them as a friend. Anything to the contrary is selfish.


Oh, and I think I have lost her as a friend, which's made me feel awful as I'd accept her as only that. So be honest with him if he's doing something that's annoying you. You're both looking at the same thing from two completely different perspectives and it's hard to understand the other's point of view. Be blunt if you must.

Thanks. I really do appreciate you sharing your experience and advice.

He's been pretty good with not rushing things physically. But I think now that I've given him something he'll take issue with me saying to slow down and stop doing what we've already done. I mean, I think he'll accept it, but act grumpy about it.

In any case, I definitely won't lie to him. I've been very honest with him from the start since I do care about him so much. I'm not going to pretend to feel a way about him if I don't. It's just hard to accept that I don't have an answer when he is so certain of his.

I wish there was some kind of test I could do lol. Something that could make sense of this for me. I really don't know what to think. Yesterday I was thinking that I did want to be with him because of how I felt when we were together, how things happened so naturally between us, and how much I missed that. Now today I feel like I don't have those feelings for him. I don't really know what to do.

[justcheckin]

Do you like the attention? Is he your only close guy friend? When you say you guys kissed, it was a peck or you guys made out for a min? You said you felt nothing... what about leading up to the kiss, was it random? Were you not expecting it?

You said that you have not been in any serious relationships, so this is difficult to boot because of the distance between you two. Face time in PERSON is the only way to tell if you really like somebody. I have been spending the past year trying to figure out how much I like this girl I am trying to date. You say that when you are together you seem to be really into it.... well that is a good sign. You cant expect those feelings to last though if you guys have not been intimate or anything. Especially if you live a plain ride away. Its just not gonna happen. Even if you do like him, you are unsure because of all the idle time you guys have between visits.

I think that unless you guys want to fix the distance between you guys... you really need to let him know what is up... because you are going to kill him when you tell him you want to slow down. It wont be pretty either. Just giving you a heads up.

[quietandshy]

Do you like the attention? Is he your only close guy friend? When you say you guys kissed, it was a peck or you guys made out for a min? You said you felt nothing... what about leading up to the kiss, was it random? Were you not expecting it?

You said that you have not been in any serious relationships, so this is difficult to boot because of the distance between you two. Face time in PERSON is the only way to tell if you really like somebody. I have been spending the past year trying to figure out how much I like this girl I am trying to date. You say that when you are together you seem to be really into it.... well that is a good sign. You cant expect those feelings to last though if you guys have not been intimate or anything. Especially if you live a plain ride away. Its just not gonna happen. Even if you do like him, you are unsure because of all the idle time you guys have between visits.

I think that unless you guys want to fix the distance between you guys... you really need to let him know what is up... because you are going to kill him when you tell him you want to slow down. It wont be pretty either. Just giving you a heads up.

I guess maybe I like the attention. He's my only close straight guy friend. I have one pretty good gay friend and a few other guys who are good friends but not close. I've always sort of had trouble being friends with guys. I like them and have fun hanging out but I've always had issues opening up and trusting them.

We made out for longer than a minute and did a little more. We have had several very intimate moments. And we talk all the time in between visits, but yeah, I think maybe part of the reason I'm so unsure is because denying it is a way of coping with how much I miss him. I've already let him know how I feel...the problem is I don't know how I feel lol

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds like you're missing sexual attraction here. He doesn't turn you on or make you wet. You talk about how he's nice and sweet and blah blah blah, but I don't see anything about "how hot he is" or "damn good looking." You don't seem attracted at all.

[quietandshy]

It sounds like you're missing sexual attraction here. He doesn't turn you on or make you wet. You talk about how he's nice and sweet and blah blah blah, but I don't see anything about "how hot he is" or "damn good looking." You don't seem attracted at all.

I think you might have a point. There is an attraction when I'm with him. Maybe that's why I feel so differently when I'm we're apart. I do think he's good looking but it's not often the first thing I think when I think of him. I'll have to think on that one, thanks.

[kats86]

I had a similar situation:

You feel that since he's professed his love for you, that automatically you should feel the same way back, which you do not have to. Yes you care about him a lot, but if he doesn't turn you on etc. you're just looking for feelings that just aren't there. "Maybe I could grow to 'love/care more' about him"....NO. It's just there or it isn't. But if he feels so strongly about you I think you should not get physical anymore, it's just hurting his feelings because he believes there will be something more, when that doesn't happen you could lose your friendship that you value so much.

[JELEF]

I'm not sure what to tell you as the last few posts raise good points. If you've never been with anyone else, it may not be him that's exciting you but rather the feeling of intimacy and the physical touches. It could be that emotionally you're connected to him, but sexually not so much. Perhaps you trust him so much and you're so open with him that discovering those feelings of unconditional acceptance of who you are is clouding your judgement.

I don't know that harboring two contrary feelings based on your proximity's really a bad thing or unusual. It must all be rather confusing for you as you've not been in this situation before and you're not sure what to make of your emotions. The distance may be what's doing you in, and not entirely him (though if you're not passionate at all about him, that's cause for concern). You may be rationalizing without realizing it. For example, say you discover you're in love with him, but you're both made to be apart for such a long period of time, is it really worth the pain and the suffering the distance is going to cause? You may be thinking about that subconciously and your heart's shutting down to avoid being hurt.

You're not alone though. I've got a friend, she's 27, been in loads of very serious long-term relationships but is also not afraid to have one-offs here and there when she's single. She's very confident, knows what she wants, and knows when to trust herself. So she was on holiday a few months ago, met this guy in Thailand, they spent the whole of two days with eachother and swapped contact info. They had a great time while they were together and both wanted to see eachother in the future, whether it was strictly as friends and maybe 10 years later, it was irrelevant. They had fun together and knew they'd get on as friends at least. Well, it just happened that this chap and his friend were going to be in Europe and had already planned to be in Poland while my friend was back in Warsaw. The spoke often then it turned into daily Skype seshes. A few weeks after they met, he was in Poland and he went to visit her. They got on well and felt the connection they had when they first met. He carries on travelling and goes back to Argentina where he's from. My friend had already planned to be in Argentina to learn Spanish two months from that date (loads of coincidences working in their favor) so he said she could stay at his. Last time I spoke to her it was 3 weeks in and she said everything was perfect.

The most important bit of all of that though is that the time between visits, she really doubted her feelings. She liked talking to him, they made eachother laugh, but she didn't know if she was 'feeling it'. When he came to Poland, the feeling was there again. But the weeks or two months that passed between Poland and Argentina made her question her feelings again. They were still speaking daily, but she just wasn't sure. ...and I wouldn't recommend this bit as she ended up sleeping with him the day she arrived in Argentina, despite still be unsure of her feelings. She said it was awkward kisisng him, almost like kissing a stranger, but after a day with him, everything came back.

So perhaps women are different from men in how they handle distance. I know from previous experiences that if I have proper feelings for someone, they're still knocking about a year later, two years later, 3 years later, unless during those gaps I found out something about them that completely put me off. That's not to say the feeilngs are there every day and I'm constantly thinking about them, or that I necessarily feel that 'rush' when we speak, but when we're physically together, it's there.

The best advice I think any of us can give is to tell you to trust yourself. Don't do anything unless YOU are completely certain. If he really does care about you, it will not matter if you're only ever friends. If he can't handle that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it just means that he's thinking more about his own interests than yours.

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I had the biggest crush on my best friend (were just friends at the time) on and off for 3 years. No other girl has ever made me feel the same way, even ones I've dated. I told her 3 different times how I felt about her and each time she was honest and said she's never going to think of me that way. It hurt, but I got over it. I love her uncondtionally and we'll be besties for life. I don't feel about her now the same way I did before. She might as well be my sister.

I hope some of this has been helpful.

[JELEF]

I had a similar situation:

You feel that since he's professed his love for you, that automatically you should feel the same way back, which you do not have to. Yes you care about him a lot, but if he doesn't turn you on etc. you're just looking for feelings that just aren't there. "Maybe I could grow to 'love/care more' about him"....NO. It's just there or it isn't. But if he feels so strongly about you I think you should not get physical anymore, it's just hurting his feelings because he believes there will be something more, when that doesn't happen you could lose your friendship that you value so much.

What happened in your situation? Did he eventually get over it and carry on being your friend? The girl I know is in your situation and QuietandShy's and I'm still not sure what to do about it. We slept together and were incredibly intimate, and we both had feelings for eachother, but we both needed more time with one another to see where they would go. I sorted things out but mistranslated something she said and ended up thinking I was doing the right thing by telling her I like her, want to make her happy, take her to le Louvre, etc....this all a week after I had said let's slow down and take steps back. Had I not mistranslated, we'd be fine as friends at the very least. But the misunderstanding pushed her away, nearly to the point where I think she's fed up with me. She seems more or less indifferent now, but we've still not really spoken at all since other than her 'liking' things on my Facebook once in a while.

How'd your situation play out? What would you want the man to do, if anything? I think it too late for me to say it was a misunderstanding and that I'm happy strictly being friends. I think now I can only show her that that's what I want, and realize it's going to take ages for her to trust me. I'm not contacting her at all; I'm waiting to see if she'll ever been comfortable enough to talk to me again. Is that the right thing do you reckon? I feel like anything I try no matter how small may only push her away even more.

[quietandshy]

I'm not sure what to tell you as the last few posts raise good points. If you've never been with anyone else, it may not be him that's exciting you but rather the feeling of intimacy and the physical touches. It could be that emotionally you're connected to him, but sexually not so much. Perhaps you trust him so much and you're so open with him that discovering those feelings of unconditional acceptance of who you are is clouding your judgement.

I don't know that harboring two contrary feelings based on your proximity's really a bad thing or unusual. It must all be rather confusing for you as you've not been in this situation before and you're not sure what to make of your emotions. The distance may be what's doing you in, and not entirely him (though if you're not passionate at all about him, that's cause for concern). You may be rationalizing without realizing it. For example, say you discover you're in love with him, but you're both made to be apart for such a long period of time, is it really worth the pain and the suffering the distance is going to cause? You may be thinking about that subconciously and your heart's shutting down to avoid being hurt.

You're not alone though. I've got a friend, she's 27, been in loads of very serious long-term relationships but is also not afraid to have one-offs here and there when she's single. She's very confident, knows what she wants, and knows when to trust herself. So she was on holiday a few months ago, met this guy in Thailand, they spent the whole of two days with eachother and swapped contact info. They had a great time while they were together and both wanted to see eachother in the future, whether it was strictly as friends and maybe 10 years later, it was irrelevant. They had fun together and knew they'd get on as friends at least. Well, it just happened that this chap and his friend were going to be in Europe and had already planned to be in Poland while my friend was back in Warsaw. The spoke often then it turned into daily Skype seshes. A few weeks after they met, he was in Poland and he went to visit her. They got on well and felt the connection they had when they first met. He carries on travelling and goes back to Argentina where he's from. My friend had already planned to be in Argentina to learn Spanish two months from that date (loads of coincidences working in their favor) so he said she could stay at his. Last time I spoke to her it was 3 weeks in and she said everything was perfect.

The most important bit of all of that though is that the time between visits, she really doubted her feelings. She liked talking to him, they made eachother laugh, but she didn't know if she was 'feeling it'. When he came to Poland, the feeling was there again. But the weeks or two months that passed between Poland and Argentina made her question her feelings again. They were still speaking daily, but she just wasn't sure. ...and I wouldn't recommend this bit as she ended up sleeping with him the day she arrived in Argentina, despite still be unsure of her feelings. She said it was awkward kisisng him, almost like kissing a stranger, but after a day with him, everything came back.

So perhaps women are different from men in how they handle distance. I know from previous experiences that if I have proper feelings for someone, they're still knocking about a year later, two years later, 3 years later, unless during those gaps I found out something about them that completely put me off. That's not to say the feeilngs are there every day and I'm constantly thinking about them, or that I necessarily feel that 'rush' when we speak, but when we're physically together, it's there.

The best advice I think any of us can give is to tell you to trust yourself. Don't do anything unless YOU are completely certain. If he really does care about you, it will not matter if you're only ever friends. If he can't handle that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it just means that he's thinking more about his own interests than yours.

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I had the biggest crush on my best friend (were just friends at the time) on and off for 3 years. No other girl has ever made me feel the same way, even ones I've dated. I told her 3 different times how I felt about her and each time she was honest and said she's never going to think of me that way. It hurt, but I got over it. I love her uncondtionally and we'll be besties for life. I don't feel about her now the same way I did before. She might as well be my sister.

I hope some of this has been helpful.

Can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to the bolded bit. When I last visited him I felt really awkward kissing him in the airport. I was planning on it, but actually didn't until 5 minutes later when we got out to the car. But after that everything was completely natural again.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I do have feelings for him, but it is the distance. A few months ago I was sure it was more than that. Now I'm beginning to think otherwise.