Should I be worried about my boyfriend's online sex life? Am I wrong for snooping?

[Kerry42977]

I have been dating my boyfriend officially for about 5 months; I have unofficially been with him for 2 years. We met online before he moved to the area, and pretty much since he got here we have been best friends, living together, having sex... and whatever else. We had both used online dating site to meet people for a long time. Before we officially dated, we were also sleeping with other people. I was hurt by it, but we were not exclusive so I don't know if it can count; I went on with my life and eventually he decided that he did want to have a relationship and things, overall, have been great.

At first I tried to overlook the fact that he continued to "chat" with girls online. He watches porn all the time...like compulsively....that doesn't bother me as much as talking to actual girls. Some of them he meets online, some of them he knows from high school or whatever...anyways, he takes about sex with them and masterbates while he does this. I don't mind him actually doing it as much I as worry about where it could lead...he says he is just talking and that it is a fantasy similar to porn, but what if he ended up really wanting to meet a girl? I know he would never cheat on me, but if he really did have the desire to be with another woman he would break things off with me..and that doesn't make me feel much better. It also bothers me that he hides it. He tries to keep it a secret; he said he would stop and he didn't. Last night we talked about it again...we are really good at communicating with each other and we never even argue. I never have a problem bringing things up, but I am having trouble dealing with this. Even if he does stop, I don't know if I can trust him.

I look at his history and IM sessions and I feel guilty about snooping, even though he knows I do. I feel like a terrible persion for snooping, but I can't stop. Sometimes I try to avoid the computer because it's like a landmine. He says there are things he keeps from me because he doesn't want to hurt me. But I can't trust him. Does he have a serious problem?

He is a wonderful boyfriend otherwise...I know that sounds like a diluted thing to say, but he is sweet and caring not just to me but to everyone in his life. He takes care of me, and he always listens to me when I am having a problem. I really do believe in him, I believe in our relationship. He is above all, my best friend. I don't think he is manipulative or anything, I just think he either can't control himself or he doesn't really want to be in a relationship. He has never dated a woman seriously, and I think he has serious commitment issues; he seems to be afraid of getting close. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this online thing? And just in general, how do I learn to trust him again? I hate the situation we are in, with him not being able to trust me to respect his privacy and me not being able to trust his loyalty.

Sorry for the convoluted question! I just re-read it and it does ramble a bit...

a) do those girls know he's jacking off to them? Yes, most of them do...he says so in the conversation. A lot of the girls are turned on as well, or so they say. Also, they know he has a girlfriend. I am linked to his profile on the online dating site and there are photos of us - both stating I am his girlfriend. He also mentions me sometimes.

b) how would he feel if you were talking to guys online and touching yourself to them? We have discussed this...he is not a jealous or angry person, so it might bother him a little but I think he doesn't see it as betrayal unless I have actual sex. Also, I think he just has a lot more trust that I wouldn't ever cheat on him...which is true, I am pretty devoted to him.

c) He's hiding stuff from you to not hurt you...doesn't that make you not trust him a little? Of course, that is the whole problem. I am trying to work through this and trust him again. One of my main problems is snooping. Am I wrong to do this? How do I stop?

[Raven_Skye]

My advice? Ditch him. Seriously, I've been through the same thing pretty much. I trusted my guy, we lived together and I knew he chatted online with girls, jerked off to them and whatever else. Since we had, well not an open relationship really but sort of open with these kinds of things (meaning, I thought it was fine since we were living together and he migth chat with these girls but at the end of the day he crawled into bed with ME).. and it was not the things he did at that time that bothered me. I thought we would be it, forever and all that bull. But, eventually, what you fear happened. Don't ask me how, but he did fall in love with this girl online, and ended up lying to me about it, telling me they were just for fun etc etc. Lies lies lies. In the end I found out he had been telling her he'd break up with me for weeks before he finally did (and then only because he told his sister what was the case and she convinced him he couldn't do this to me any longer). So for weeks he had been lying, cheating, avoiding. That hurt. But anyway, good riddance now, he'll get tired of her soon enough, she's soon celebrating her 18th birthday (they got together when he immigrated to Canada for her when she was 15. He 27. Yeah :S).

My point is, you can't trust him that this won't go wrong. He might not WANT another of those girls as gf now, but sooner or later, things will go wrong and he'll go wondering about and wanting someone else. My ex and me also were best friends, could communicate fantastic with each other, never had fights etc etc. See how that ended up. Plus he said he'd stop and he didn't. Lies.

So my advice, save yourself all this and ditch him.

[sparkle_jello]

I think this behavior in a serious relationship is incredibly selfish and bad. I would be livid if I found out he was talking to girls like this. My husband has a female friend that he talks to, sees at work, and eats lunch with, but he would never do this and if he tried I know this girl would never allow it, in fact he wouldn't be allowed to hang out with a girl of seedy character. I feel if you allow yourself to be in this type of relationship you are only going to be hurt in the long run, the fact you've stayed this long makes me question your self esteem. I've had several boyfriends in my past that have never done this. I have many guy friends who would never do this to their wives/gfs. There are better fish in the sea.

[phys251]

I'm normally not a fan of ultimatums, but IMO in this case it's time for one. Give him a choice: It's you or the girls online.

Though I think this is eventually gonna end in breakup, doing it that way puts the ball back in his court and removes any lame excuse to blame you.

[Khryalasi]

Honestly, I would be concerned. Tolerating him cybering with other women is asking for trouble, in my opinion. Like phys251, I'm not crazy about ultimatums, but you obviously don't entirely trust him, so to continue sitting back and stressing over this isn't in your best interest. I would tell him point-blank that you've become uncomfortable as hell with what he's doing, and he needs to either stop and be satisfied with YOU, or be single and be free to pursue all the online women that he wants.

[xxazurexx]

I'm unsure who in their sane mind would tolerate such behaviour from a partner.

Do you have any self respect? Obviously not....and that is Mr.Jerk Off, disrespects you and continues with his sordid behaviour.

[Kerry42977]

For those of you attacking my ideas about self-esteem and self-respect, I think that those are only some of the aspects that play into a relationship. Working on a relationship and its problems - whatever those problems are - and learning to forgive someone for hurting you does not mean that you don't care about yourself. People have affairs and manage to forgive each other, so why not this? Maybe this is not something that you could forgive, and that's fine. Different people have different boundaries and different ways of looking at things. People are human, and people make mistakes. I know that in a relationship, I want to work on myself and have others help me in case of any problems I have. Perhaps your "high self-esteem" is really just a way for you to validate the fact that you are intolerant of others' mistakes. Either way, thank you for your opinion but please refrain from commenting. I guess I am simply asking for people's advice on how to rebuild a relationship at this point, not attacks on my personality. Thanks.

Thank you to everyone else for your replies.

[Khryalasi]

For those of you attacking my ideas about self-esteem and self-respect, I think that those are only some of the aspects that play into a relationship. Working on a relationship and its problems - whatever those problems are - and learning to forgive someone for hurting you does not mean that you don't care about yourself. People have affairs and manage to forgive each other, so why not this? Maybe this is not something that you could forgive, and that's fine. Different people have different boundaries and different ways of looking at things. People are human, and people make mistakes. I know that in a relationship, I want to work on myself and have others help me in case of any problems I have. Perhaps your "high self-esteem" is really just a way for you to validate the fact that you are intolerant of others' mistakes. Either way, thank you for your opinion but please refrain from commenting. I guess I am simply asking for people's advice on how to rebuild a relationship at this point, not attacks on my personality. Thanks.

Thank you to everyone else for your replies.

Well, I didn't attack your personality.. However, this is what stood out to me in your OP:

"Even if he does stop, I don't know if I can trust him."
"But I can't trust him."
"And just in general, how do I learn to trust him again? I hate the situation we are in, with him not being able to trust me to respect his privacy and me not being able to trust his loyalty."

You used the word, "trust", in a negative way with regard to him three times. That indicates a MAJOR trust issue in your relationship, in my opinion.. And also my opinion, the only way you can even hope to rebuild that trust is if he stops cybering with other women completely. You may not be a jealous person, and you may not have low self-esteem issues, but by your own admission, you don't entirely trust him.

Basically, what you're doing is letting the fox loose in the hen house. Personally, I don't see a solution other than telling the fox to stay out of the hen house, period.

Just my opinion, of course.

[Kerry42977]

No, you didn't attack my personality at all...thank you for the response. I was just a little annoyed with the other posters who seemed very critical towards me rather than the situation. Definitely didn't mean you.

I guess I am trying to say that there is obviously a major trust issue, because I don't trust him. I know that is the problem here, and I am trying to fix it. And even now that we are working on this I don't know how to let things go. I just want to know how to go about this for myself...he is doing his part and I know I can't control him, the only person I can control is me and my feelings and my behavior. I know there is no cut and dry answer here, I was just looking for advice on how people manage to forgive. I also feel like my snooping has become a problem, and I don't want to do it anymore...I don't know, I know I am not the one who made this mess, but I am trying to work on myself too. If that makes sense...basically I want to stop being an angry bitch about it. I know if I hold this against him forever, then it won't work.

[Khryalasi]

For what it's worth, I understand entirely. I AM a jealous person.. I have a hard time with men even talking to other women, much less doing what you're saying he's doing. In fact, my ex and I went through quite a row about it a couple of months before our most recent breakup.. He had decided he wanted to flirt sexually with other women, and I tried to be OK with it, but all I could keep thinking was, "He's going to meet someone else and fall for her, and throw me out like yesterday's newspaper".. In fact, I think that's part of why he ended up breaking up with me, because he wants to be able to flirt, and he knows he couldn't with me.

I wish I had some better advice for you.. Yes, your "snooping", although I would prefer to call it "detective work", lol.. Is a problem, because as long as you're doing it, it means there is no trust between the two of you. In my opinion, it will be impossible to "forgive" him as long as he's continuing the behavior that is causing you to distrust his loyalty to you. You're angry because you feel like you could be betrayed any day.. That's enough to make ANYONE angry.

If you can learn to live with it, and still trust him to stay with YOU, then I honestly applaud you. But seriously, it doesn't sound like that's the direction you're heading.. Which means, to be blunt, it's time to examine the relationship and see if maybe, you two simply aren't compatible in that department. If this is just the "way he is".. Is it something you can live with indefinitely and without being angry, or do you want a man who stays faithful to you, even online?

[Kerry42977]

well, he has stopped talking to girls online, and i do believe that...and i mean i know it because i am a good snooper. but he still watches a lot of porn. he always has...when we have talked about it he has explained that he is used to doing it. he has been in the military for 10 years and has been bored and alone and lonely a lot, and porn is what he is used to, it is what the other guys on his boat were doing too, whatever. the way he talks about it, it's like porn is his comfort zone... i don't mind porn either, but in moderation. i watch it...i would say i watch it maybe once a week or so. i don't really think it is bad, but he watches it for hours, every time i am gone from the house. i really don't mind him jerking off, even to porn...i think that jerking off is healthy and that everyone should do it. but really...for hours a day? he has admitted that he has a problem, and that he regrets all the time he wastes doing this shit.

and yes...i know my (dis)trust of him is a huge problem. but...in a lot of ways, i do feel like i trust him not to cheat on me. part of me thinks i just don't trust that i am good enough for him. that is the way he makes me feel. i am insecure already, and i know that is a hard thing for other people to deal with someone's insecurities. but i thought our sex life was good, and i am a pretty giving girlfriend...but now i feel like it's not enough. like...in the end, i don't know what this is really about...i know my insecurities don't help.

[blent]

Whether it's porn or watching tv, what does it matter? Your bf has an addiction with masterbating that's all... and I don't blame him, he was in the military! But it's not that bad... almost every guy watches porn, if you want him to do it less just spend more time with him or become more intimate. I have friends with upwards of 20 gigs of it downloaded to their computer... let's see your bf beat that!