Does this girl just want me to ease her conscience?

[durkadurka]

I will make this as brief as I can.

3 months ago, I broke up with my ex of nearly 2.5 years.

We lived together, had fun together, but life, and family problems pushed us apart. I am still in school in the city I live in, her parents are a financial catastrophe on the other side of the continent, and I couldn't reconcile the burden her family was going to be while I was in school. She moved back there to help them only partly to help them, but also because our relationship wasn't moving forward.

From my perspective, until this issue with her parents became more clear I wasn't prepared to let it advance. There are a few other problems, but this is the main one. As time went on, we grew apart because we started to focus on the problems and not the GREAT times we had.

We were planning on getting married.


Okay now that the preamble is over with

3 months ago she moved out of our apartment and moved home. She hadn't lived at home for nearly 7 years, and was pretty lonely. Her family situation is very intense due to the situation down there, and their family antics has proven to be challenging for her.

For the first two months she was down there, she was calling me 2-3 times a day, venting, crying, and my family and I was there to support her. Eventually I ended up flying down there to visit, we had a blast together, it was probably the best time I've had in years, but potentially also the worst decision I've made in years.

About a week after I got home, and telling me how much she missed me and wished I'd stayed longer, she stops calling (around August 10th).

I get one call August 18th, and then she goes MIA for 2 weeks. Being concerned, I sent her an email asking her if she's okay. She never gets back to me, so I call her. Goes to Voice Mail.

(August 30th) Eventually I get a phone call saying that she's okay, that she's busy, doing well, but the call sounds really odd, she's hiding something. She's dating someone. Great - Whoopdeedoo, she met the guy a week after I left. Long story short, everything I've heard about the guy leads me to believe he's a complete loser. But that's not important.

Low class? I think so.


Aside from a brief email asking her what she wanted me to do with the stuff she left behind in the apartment, I completely fell off the face of the Earth when it came to communicating with her.

No texting, no emailing, no calling. Nada, nothing. She used me. The Monkey Theory was in full effect here.

After nearly 3 weeks of not talking, I get a phone call money from her. I don't want to talk to her. It goes to voice mail where she leaves a VERY nervous message, asking me how I'm doing, that she hopes my work week started off well, and that I can call her back if I would like to.

I don't.

3 days pass, I get a text message saying 'Not going to return my call?'

Ignore it.

She calls me today, I finally pick up because I'm starting to get irritated. After what she did there should be no question as to WHY I am really bothered by this.

The conversation is pretty one dimensional, she asks me how I am doing, what my living situation is like (she knows I'm moving out of our old apartment), how school is going, and how my family is. I respond pretty mundanely, and ask her what her work situation is like down there.

I get a pretty vanilla response that it's a roller coaster, that she's not sure if things are going to work out down there, but she wants to have an apartment for October if things are going to work. If things aren't going to work out, she's going to go to South America indefinitely with a friend.

I take this opportunity to point out to her that some of what she said when she called me last was hurtful and pissed me off and that I don't really know what to tell her.

Her response: I don't remember our last conversation.







Honestly, what does this chick want from me? I finally moved on past this thing and she calls and starts badgering me when I don't call her back? If she wants me to ease her conscience she's looking at the wrong guy.

Don't get me wrong, I still care for her, but purely in a romantic sense, I have enough friends I don't need another.

[MerryH]

I don't get it. Why are you mad at her? Because she's dating someone else now? But...you guys broke up. She's allowed to date other people.

Am I misunderstanding?

[durkadurka]

I don't get it. Why are you mad at her? Because she's dating someone else now? But...you guys broke up. She's allowed to date other people.

Am I misunderstanding?

I was irritated because of how it was handled. She used me as a crutch, for 2 months. Then 3 days after I leave, after have a great time together, she jumps onto another branch.

Granted, she's allowed to do that. But this is right after she said she was really happy to not be dating anyone.



I don't have any issue with that, what I have an issue with is that I have clearly made my feelings heard about whether I want to talk to her or not. I haven't tried to contact her, I don't want to speak to her.

She is the one that wanted to move on.

So why the hell is she calling?

[MerryH]

Do you think saying she "used" you might be a bit harsh? You both made the mistake of trying to be friends after a breakup. I think everyone tries this at least once, but it rarely goes well.

If you don't want to talk to her anymore, just...don't. Give her a reason or don't - up to you. The important thing is to just move on. If you do, the last thing on your mind will be "why did she call?"

This probably doesn't sound very helpful, but really, you just shouldn't care so much about this stuff so much. It's in the past.

[durkadurka]

Do you think saying she "used" you might be a bit harsh? You both made the mistake of trying to be friends after a breakup. I think everyone tries this at least once, but it rarely goes well.

If you don't want to talk to her anymore, just...don't. Give her a reason or don't - up to you. The important thing is to just move on. If you do, the last thing on your mind will be "why did she call?"

This probably doesn't sound very helpful, but really, you just shouldn't care so much about this stuff so much. It's in the past.

No I don't think saying she used me is a little bit harsh because it's exactly what happened.

She and I didn't break up because we didn't care for each other, we broke up because life's circumstances didn't permit it. We were VERY intimate when I got down there. (Again, in hindsight probably a mistake).

It was just a splash of cold water, and she cut the umbilical right after. The reason why this is so perplexing is because she's the one that broke off all contact and told me to move on, and I'm doing exactly that. So why would she do this to herself, and me is beyond me.

At this point that's going on with her really isn't of interest to me, but she still wants to come up and visit my family and what not which is strictly, in my opinion, out of bounds.

[vashti]

I don't think she's done anything wrong. Though you may have HOPED for more, you didn't really have a right to expect it.

I think you should determine what exactly it is you want from her, and tell her. Obviously, breaking up with her wasn't it.

[durkadurka]

I don't think she's done anything wrong. Though you may have HOPED for more, you didn't really have a right to expect it.

I think you should determine what exactly it is you want from her, and tell her. Obviously, breaking up with her wasn't it.

Actually, I was the one that broke up with her, and I did communicate what I wanted from her which was, to be succinct, nothing to do with her. Yet she's still calling.

[MerryH]

No I don't think saying she used me is a little bit harsh because it's exactly what happened.

She and I didn't break up because we didn't care for each other, we broke up because life's circumstances didn't permit it. We were VERY intimate when I got down there. (Again, in hindsight probably a mistake).

It was just a splash of cold water, and she cut the umbilical right after. The reason why this is so perplexing is because she's the one that broke off all contact and told me to move on, and I'm doing exactly that. So why would she do this to herself, and me is beyond me.

At this point that's going on with her really isn't of interest to me, but she still wants to come up and visit my family and what not which is strictly, in my opinion, out of bounds.

I guess I just don't understand this concept of "using" you. For what? For a shoulder to cry on and all that? The same stuff she did while you were together? I don't see that as using you, I see that as you guys just continuing to act like a couple toward each other, which, as you can see, turned out to be a mistake. You were both at fault for this, though. Being mad at her isn't going to help you get over it.

Visiting your family doesn't sound like a very good idea at this time. Can you just not be around if she decides to go through with it?

[durkadurka]

I guess I just don't understand this concept of "using" you. For what? For a shoulder to cry on and all that? The same stuff she did while you were together? I don't see that as using you, I see that as you guys just continuing to act like a couple toward each other, which, as you can see, turned out to be a mistake. You were both at fault for this, though. Being mad at her isn't going to help you get over it.

Visiting your family doesn't sound like a very good idea at this time. Can you just not be around if she decides to go through with it?

Yeah you know what, you're absolutely right. It was an unofficial continuation of our relationship. Even by her own admission she was waiting for something that I didn't give her.

She was even buying me gifts and stuff while she was down there any sending stuff up.

It wasn't a good idea, and she cut me off cold turkey.

I'm not mad at her, I just don't know why she's calling me. She was very point blank that our relationship served its purpose in its time, and it did, but we are each off doing our own things and I don't know why she's interested in continuing this, it's not good for either of us.

She's the most pragmatic person I know, so for her to still be calling me is VERY weird.