I'm torn!

[Marlo]

I have such a dilema!

FIRST CHOICE: My b/f of a few years has cheated on me once a number of months back (1 night stand) and I chose to forgive him. Things have been hard. We've had ALOT of lows. We split up in October for a few weeks. Recently things have been getting back on the right foot. THEN i get a call the other day from a friend of his saying that in the summer he had been trying to hook up with his g/f behind my back while I was at work or on my way out. He just caught him the other day msging her (although at this time all he got to say was "hi") and he flew off the handle at him and called & told me all about it. My b/f admitted to msging her, and thinking about cheating, but chose not to.

I love this guy SOOO much. I swore he was "the one". He claims that he loves me more than anything, and wants to get married. That's exactly what I want(ed). He said that he made the mistake once, and when the opportunity came along again, he thought about it but chose to do nothing because he didn't want to loose me. Not sure what to believe. He is very convincing, and has done nothing but cry and beg me to give him another chance. I want to very badly because he is the one who I want to be with, but I also don't want to be his doormat. I don't want to be an idiot. What if he does it again? He already messed up 1 time for sure, and 1 time again, just not as badly. But what if he is telling the truth and has learned his lesson?

We lived together for a year and a half, but I haven't moved back in since the fall. It is almost an hour away from my family freinds and full time job. I was traveling back and forth nearly every day. That is not where I want to live. I want to settle down where I grew up and where my life is. He says that he is willing to move for me (but sometimes says that he isn't).

He has been depressed lately (or at least to me anyway) that he can't afford to keep his house, and he will have to move out. He doesn't know if his parents will let him stay with them. He has no friends, he can't open up to his family because they will make fun of him, he works with his brother who is a genuine jerk and is completely stressed out and wants to quit. He "sees me as the only one he has" and can't bear to loose me, then he will have "nothing".


SECOND CHOICE: A guy who I've known for years is interested in me. He is a very sensible, hardworking guy. When my b/f and I split up in the fall, I went on a few dates with him. He claims that he loves me, and would give me the world. He knows that I am not ready because all of this dumped in my lap lately, and told me to take all the time I needed. He is friends with all of my friends, and is getting ready to build a house right down the road from where I grew up. I know that he would be the smart choice. I would never have to worry about him cheating. He is very genuine. I would never have to choose between friend time and b/f time, because we are all in the same "group". I know that he would treat me like a queen. Only problem is he is 26 and never had a g/f. He is shy. Not that that is necessarily bad, but he seems to be the type who wants me to always tell him what to do, (some would say that's great) but I'm not comfortable with that. He is always worried that he is doing the wrong thing, or something. I think it's because it's so new to him.

THIRD CHOICE: A guy who I somewhat work with. We've been talking lately. We talked while I was split up from my b/f too. He is 14 years older than me. He is SO MUCH FUN! I don't ever stop laughing when I am with him. He loves to just up and travel for the weekend. But he can be very mature, and makes me feel very special when I am with him. Only problem is that he wants me to commit to him right away. As in move in and the works.

I am completely torn in 3 peices. I wish there were 3 of me. 3 people are bound to get hurt in this, Me and 2 of the guys.

Any suggestions?

[sfalexi]

Guy #1

My b/f of a few years has cheated on me once a number of months back (1 night stand) and I chose to forgive him. ....THEN i get a call the other day from a friend of his saying that in the summer he had been trying to hook up with his g/f behind my back while I was at work or on my way out. He just caught him the other day msging her (although at this time all he got to say was "hi") and he flew off the handle at him and called & told me all about it. My b/f admitted to msging her, and thinking about cheating, but chose not to.....He has no friends, he can't open up to his family because they will make fun of him, he works with his brother who is a genuine jerk and is completely stressed out and wants to quit. He "sees me as the only one he has" and can't bear to loose me, then he will have "nothing".

I don't like this guy. Something doesn't sit right. He cheated on you, admitted to thinking about cheating again (and probably only didn't because you caught him before he got the chance) and now is begging and using 'guilt' to keep you? "You're all I have left! If you leave, I won't have anyone!" That's a low trick. He'll MAKE new friends. He's playing the "I'm nothing without you" card that women fall for oh-so-easily.

Guy #2

Only problem is he is 26 and never had a g/f. He is shy. Not that that is necessarily bad, but he seems to be the type who wants me to always tell him what to do, (some would say that's great) but I'm not comfortable with that. He is always worried that he is doing the wrong thing, or something. I think it's because it's so new to him.

This guy sounds like a good choice. So he's never had a girlfriend. He's gonna end up getting one SOMETIME. We all start at SOME point. Looks like he just wasn't ready to start until now. As for the telling him what to do, he'll grow out of that when you guys get more comfortable around each other. Right now he's probably worried about saying/doing the wrong thing. So he's trying to let YOU set the pace so that he doesn't upset you by going too fast or too slow.

Guy #3

A guy who I somewhat work with. We've been talking lately. We talked while I was split up from my b/f too. He is 14 years older than me. He is SO MUCH FUN! I don't ever stop laughing when I am with him. He loves to just up and travel for the weekend. But he can be very mature, and makes me feel very special when I am with him. Only problem is that he wants me to commit to him right away. As in move in and the works.

I'm thinking this guy can't be all that great if he's 14 years older than you and (A) not in a serious relationship, (B) hitting on girls 14 years younger than him, which doesn't show much class at all and (C) wants a full committal right off the bat. Think about it, if he was so quick to hit on you, what makes you think that he's so enthralled that he's not gonna go out and hit on some other young girl who thinks he's so charming?

As for the quick committment issue, be forewarned that that is a BIG sign of someone who is an abuser in the relationship. Check out these websites and you'll see them on the list.

[url]http://www.saferchild.org/warning1.htm[/url] - It's the VERY FIRST sign according to this website (which BTW, as you may notice, is completely non-profit and nothing but serious.
[url]http://www.a2zgorge.info/prevention/abuser_warning-signs.htm[/url]The number two on that list
[url]http://www.ripin.org/warningabusive.html[/url] The number one on that one (Cause I consider moving in together and committment a very serious and quick step)
And the list goes on and on. Just go to google and type in "signs of abusive partner".

I'd be VERY VERY careful with #3. If you DO decide to pursue #3 (which in my opinion would not be very smart), be firm on telling him that you don't want to move in, you barely know him, and want to take your time when thinking about such serious steps. See how he reacts (if he agrees, if he gets upset/mad, if he decides just to get rid of you or see you less while he pursues someone else who WOULD move in).


I vote #2, and push him as fast as you want, and eventually he'll catch up.

Alexi

[Fawn]

Damn! That is a VERY confusing situation.
In my opinion, I've always gone with the phrase.. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." He may say he'll never do it again, but he's already shown that he might do it. The only thing that stopped him was the friend of yours. He got caught, so he'll lie about anything.

Here's a question: What do YOU want?
It seems that this current relationship is going to keep tearing you apart. You can't trust him and he's obviously making a lot of excuses. You have to live your own life. Maybe take some time apart. Just be by yourself and ignore the other guys for a while. Sometimes, you have to be selfish and think about yourself. This is your life, do what YOU want and decide on what YOU need to be happy.

[Marlo]

Thanks guys! I know that #2 is the smart choice!

What do I want? Well I want my current b/f, because I am in love with him. I"ve NEVER loved anyone as much as I do him. He uses the excuss that he was "unhapy and thinking about leaving me" as to why he cheated. Well I also have been unhappy, and the thought of leaving him crossed my mind before too, and I never cheated, or even thought about it.

I"m just scared that I am going to burn the bridge with my current b/f, and then realize how much I want him back. We broke up before, and I went crazy, I missed him SOO much! I don't want to do that again. But also, I don't want to be cheated on every few months either. It's a loose loose situation. I want to believe him so badly that he will never do it again. But my outlook: if he will cheat on me when I am 23, young, thin, etc, then what will he do when I am 40 and probably 50 pounds overweight? (just an example).

I can't even fathem the idea of cheating on him. Why? Because I love him and respect him. I really don't desire anyone else like I do him.

Love stinks,

[jakki2903]

Thanks guys! I know that #2 is the smart choice!

What do I want? Well I want my current b/f, because I am in love with him. I"ve NEVER loved anyone as much as I do him. He uses the excuss that he was "unhapy and thinking about leaving me" as to why he cheated. Well I also have been unhappy, and the thought of leaving him crossed my mind before too, and I never cheated, or even thought about it.

I"m just scared that I am going to burn the bridge with my current b/f, and then realize how much I want him back. We broke up before, and I went crazy, I missed him SOO much! I don't want to do that again. But also, I don't want to be cheated on every few months either. It's a loose loose situation. I want to believe him so badly that he will never do it again. But my outlook: if he will cheat on me when I am 23, young, thin, etc, then what will he do when I am 40 and probably 50 pounds overweight? (just an example).

I can't even fathem the idea of cheating on him. Why? Because I love him and respect him. I really don't desire anyone else like I do him.

Love stinks,

It's a tough one - I would say that your mind is made up really - you've chosen number 1 and the others are probably a back up plan if #1 goes horribly wrong - I feel the same way as you do sometimes but fact is he cheated and was going to again - can you live with that?? I know I couldn't. No matter how much I love my boyfriend there is no way I could forgive him - just be careful - I don't want you to hurt! Your better then that - he should realise what a great person you are!

[sfalexi]

I would've bet a lot of money that she still would have chosen #1.

Girls ALWAYS seem to be more than willing to forgive and forget for someone that's cheated on them. Maybe I should start cheating. I'm probably about 90% sure that they'd forgive me at some point and be willing to get back together . . . plus I'd get some fun on the side.

[PandaCivic]

the reason why you're with him is because you two developed that love relationship. it's hard to get out of but that's about it. you can learn to love again with someone else. and the fact that you are devoted to him makes it even worse because i'm betting he knows "you'll never leave him" so that gives him a higher chance of messing around and it will still be okay. he's going to play you for a fool. love is blind in so many ways, it's going to make you blind from the person you're meant to be with, and it ain't him. if you want anyone's opinion, at least consider the other 2 guys, or even any other guy. don't make your decision yet just because you love him. you said yourself, "love stinks" so why embrace it? hope you don't make the wrong decision.

[Marlo]

I haven't made up my mind on #1. I've just found out this new information less than a week ago that he was trying to hook up with that other girl. That's why it is up in the air. I did try and forgive him the first time, and it was just starting to get better when more things are revealed.

#2 and #3 are not necessarily a back up plan if things go terribly wrong with #1. They already did go terribly wrong. I don't want to keep the others on a string. And I'm not. I've never told any of them that I would be with them.

If this last inncodent didn't happen, I would still be with #1. He is begging for antoher chance, and I just don't know. I want to, more than I ever could describe, but I"m always going to feel like an idiot.



My Christmas break is about to start (I use the internet at work). I will be back on the 3rd to update you all more.

Thanks for the advise! Anymore advise is always appreicated.

[schueys_girl]

my 2 cents? Have a break from all three for a bit and chill out, spend some time on yourself. You dont HAVE to have any of these because you dont HAVE to have a boyfriend. I think if you spend some time with friends and chill on your own for a bit you will come to the right decision yourself.
Good luck -x-

[Marlo]

I agree. I'm not planning on going from one right to the other by anymeans. I don't want a rebound.

I would just like to know people's opinions on what direction they think would be the smartest.

Thanks!

[Marlo]

Update:

I got rid of the older guy...I think that he was #3. We exchanged Christmas presents because he has no one to buy him presents (not close with family) so I got him something and then he got me something. He wasn't doing much on Christmas eve, and I didn't want him to be alone so I invited him to my friends house to have a few drinks. He stayed about 1/2hour, didn't have any drinks, and told me it was boring and he was going home. He worked Christmas day (by choice) and I talked to him Christmas night and haven't heard from him since. He asked if I was going to come out and spend the night and I said no. I called him 2 times to see what was up but he never returned my call. It's for the better. I really just thought of him as a friend, but he was pushing for alot more. I think that he was upset because I didn't invite him to spend Christmas with my family, (he was hinting about it majorly) but they have no idea who he is, and we are not even dating so I thought that was a bit much. He had friends who offered for him to spend it there, but he chose to work.

I haven't spent much time with #1, who is the guy I was with for 2 years. We spend Christmas spereatly. I with my family and he with his. I did spend New Years with him. I do love him, but I do not see myself EVER moving back in with him after all of this. Things are still up in the air. Right now we are still speaking and spending a bit of time together. But that's it. He has gone to the doctor after much convincing because he is depressed. So that is good news. They've prescribed him something.

As far as #2, the smart choice, I've hung out with him over the holidays (as a group). No dating has happened because I don't want to start anything until the time is right. I did give him a hug on Christmas Eve and wished him a merry Christmas, and he kissed me (just a peck). Then told me he loved me (which was a surprise to say the least, I smiled and told him I would see him later) Then he told me later that week that the hug was the best Christmas present he got. (CUTE!). He's a good guy, and he knows my situation with my ex. He knows I need time to figure everything out, and isn't pushing me at all, but told me to take all the time I needed.

[misombra]

guy #1: cheating swindler.
guy #2: sweet young man.
guy #3: complete scumbag.

[Jenrick285]

This guy cheated on you and not too recently you found out he was considering doing it again...
Not to mention he says you mean so much to him...
I seriously would hate to see if you didn't mean anything to him.
There's always Option #4 : Figure out what you want from a guy and a relationship.

[cbee]

I go for #4 yourself,

because only #2 sounds like a decent guy but you need to give yourself time to be fair to both of you before embarking on anything