I need advise

[sherylinfenn]

I love my boyfriend and he loves me but he keeps lying to me (not cheating just lying about every small thing one can think of - that he made a phone call he promised, that he will wash the dishes since I am at work, that he will cut the grass in the garden etc ) He keeps promising he will look for a job ( I have been supporting him financially for the last 2 years) but there is never a job good enough for him..He even told his last employer his dad has died so he does not have to go to work for few days

I feel used and taken advantage of.. I dont trust him, I dont see future with him as I am ambitious and hard working woman. I want to have kids but we have calculated that financially it would be insane if I leave my job even for a day per week as we would be losing more money than he will be making for a whole month. That means he will be raising the kid but I dont trust he will be able to bring my kid up and teach him or her the values that I think they should have.

It would have been a very simple decision if my boyfriend was all bad but the problem is he is such a loving and wonderful guy - he would bring me to work in the morning ( and then go home to play computer games or brows the net), he would always pick me up from the airport, will buy me flowers ( for which I pay as he has no income but its the intention that counts) he would always cuddle and holds me in his sleep. We have the same interests and hobbies. He loves to do things with me, we can talk for hours, he makes me laugh.

His ''only'' flows are lying and being lazy... unfortunately they are too high up on my list of values so I dont know what to do ... he promises to change ( but i have not seen any change.. attempts last 2 hours) will I be able to trust him ever again ( doubtful) do I love him - yes!! Does he love me - yes!!! but not enough to change and I dont love him enough to accept him for his flows

I am scared of being alone as I live in a foreign country where I dont speak the language and he is great help as he is from the country. He can translate my mail and help me with the administrative stuff but is this a reason to be with him

I am so confused one day I want to break up another I want to work on the relationship.. I have never been so conflicted. and I have never been so unhappy

Can someone please give me some perspective of what I should do

Sherylin

[JeyGant]

Computer games and broswing the net? Come on, it's time to grow up. My opinion is that no matter what if you two love each other, it will work. It's time for him to get off his butt and get a job. Just sit down with him and talk with him. Tell him you don't want to live like this, and it's hurting your relationship. If he doesn't listen, it's time for a more grown up guy. I'm only 19, but Thats how I would handle something like that. You work your butt off, and he plays video games. That doesn't sound right to me. Would you rather be unhappy or alone, if he doesn't change? I hope he does, and everythig works out for you. Just work with him.

[sherylinfenn]

Thank you JeyGrant for your comment. Trust me when an incredibly smart 37 years old spends his whole day in front of the pc and not looking for a job using every excuse in the book its very difficult for me to work with him. I did that for the last 2 years.... my guess is more and more a breakup is coming as the only sane option. people dont change and he has been living of welfare 90% of his working life....I feel so miserable

[kitkitkitty]

you shouldn't be feeling miserable, you should be having fun with each other! and i commend you for thinking in advance before kids. you need to sit him down and explain that he needs to stop making empty promises because you're losing faith in what he's saying. he needs to think before he 'promises'. sounds like he needs a slight kick up the behind.

[LuvGuru]

I understand the situation your in, a foreign country not wanting to be alone. I also see why you frustrated, your guy is for lack of a better word is a BUM. You definitely need to have the talk with him. The problem is...its been 2 years and no changes. You really have to ask yourself how high is laziness on your list of values? High enough to lose him, if he doesnt get it together? Its been 2 years, you work and take care of him. he doesnt even take care of the chores around the house...I know that pisses you off after coming home from a days work, you dont need kids...you already are taking care of one.

Lets say you have the talk...Its likely that you will express your concerns and maybe date/time for which he should get himself together. What if he doesnt? Are you willing to say to him that if he doesnt improve, your leaving him? If you were to say that be sure to mean it, no bluffing. He likely knows or feels that you wont leave him which helps him to continue with his everyday activities.

[sherylinfenn]

LoveGuru,

you nailed it quite right..we have and all sorts of talks (that he loses me bit by bit every day, that he has to do something for his future, that he needs to change his life) but every time there are more and more empty promises and forgiveness from my side. I cant leave as he lives in my house ( lesson well learned - never let a guy live in your house! unless you are 150 % sure he is the one) before after a fight he would leave and then come back .. now he does not want to leave at all.
I have been reading all sorts of articles on the net on how to know the relationship is over and based on the tips there mine is over but I dont want to admit it.. just need to get the guts to put an end to this ordeal but for now I dont have it...and he know he can talk me out of the fight.. that is where my misery comes from ( I guess deep down I know what I should do but I dont have the guts) ;(

[JeyGant]

I don't think you should do this to yourself, I kind of understand how you feel about not having the guts to break it off. I have never broken up with a girl and I don't know what it feels like. If I was in your shoes, I would tell him if he doesn't start being productive in the house, he has to leave. If he's promising you stuff and not following through, I don't that person would be worth it. Tell him to be better or be gone. Let him know your serious and his behavior isn't acceptable. Well here's a little motivation, what you have been doing to get him to change for 2 years didn't work. Do something you haven't done yet, maybe he will do something he's never done. I hope I helped.

[Gigabitch]

Every time he has gotten away with breaking a promise to you, it has taught him that it's okay to do this. At this point, it's too late for the "Come to Jesus" talk, too late for ultimatums.

Throw his bum ass out of your house and don't believe any "changes" you see until they've lasted for an entire year. He's 37, for God's sake, not 17.

[LuvGuru]

sherylinfenn

Just checking on you, hows it going?

[sherylinfenn]

so far good.. still have not decided what to do...

[LuvGuru]

so far good.. still have not decided what to do...

Have you has "THE TALK"? Has he improved any?

[sherylinfenn]

Well I cought him lying again ( over something so small an insignificant) and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.. we had a massive fight yesterday and he moved out - not sure if it will be for good or for a while but i feel happy with this decision. We have agreed we will continue being like a boyfriend and girlfriend but will not live together.. dont know how and if it will work .. to early to say.. so today i am getting used to be alone in the house, and to sleep alone ( which scares me a lot so TV and lights are on all night...). He said he will call me yesterday but of course did not ( yet another promise!) though i can understand he wants to clear up his head as plenty was said ysteday.. so taht is the latest.. thank you for following up with me