okay; honest opinions please.

[Katie_melender]

Okay, so i am 20 and my boyfriend is 21 and have been together a year and a month.
I have stated some issues below and would like any feedback on them, these are things which make me feel unappreciated by him. I do not know if i am simply over reacting... or if i have genuine reason to be concerned. My friends have told me he is abit of an idiot and to just leave the relationship but i love him very much. Id like to know if im expecting too much and sound like a complete bitch or if he is genuingly just taking the mess out of me.




1. My boyfriend gets up for work at 4am and insists on having the lights on for half an hour or so whilst he gets ready for work. I struggle to get to sleep on a night due to worry & stress and the second the light goes on.. thats me awake. I find it impossible to get back to sleep so i am also getting up at 4am when i have no reason to be or taking me atleast 2 hours to get back to sleep, either way im left tired throughout the day and mardy due to broken sleep. Ive asked my boyfriend if he will leave his things in the other room before we go to sleep and if he will get ready in there instead but he calls me selfish and refuses to do so, i dont see it unreasonable to ask him to get his shoes on at the door, why does it matter where he gets dressed?

2. I suffer from low self esteem. My boyfriend feels the constant need even though i have told him it bothers me to tell me how attractive people on the television are, not always celebrities. I know this one sounds pathetic but fair enough if he thinks it but does he really have to tell me how hot some girl auditioning for the xfactor is?

3. I do everything for him. Im all for looking after my man but its just ridiculous now; little tasks which any grown 21 year old manage to do my boyfriend seems to struggle with. I tidy our bedroom everyday and he feels it okay to leave his dirty clothes laying around, food packets, glasses hes drank from.. i feel like he is my child. I get no help from him whatsoever. For example, i was ill the other day and had not got out of bed due to feeling so rubbish. He came home and i made him his tea, i was sick instantly after trying to eat something and my boyfriend just went upstairs to his laptop and left me to clean up after dinner knowing how i felt. I cook for him everyday and make his lunch for work, yet i ask him for a cup of tea and get the "do it yaself"

4. I am really easy to please and in no way materialistic but everyone likes a nice gesture now and again, right?. I always feel like everything which is for me is "too much effort". My girlfriends all talk about that nice bunch of flowers they received or that box of chocolates or how their boyfriend took them out on the weekend for a meal. Mine doesnt do anything like this and whereas most girls like to be wined and dined or spoilt rotten, i'd be quite content if he came home an stuck a DVD on with me with a bottle of wine on a friday night. However whenever i ask to do something i get told im needy and nothing is ever good enough. He comes in from work, sits on his laptop most of the night and goes to bed. Wheres the effort with me? - i try very hard with him but get nothing back. We have no romance.

5. I am not a very sexual confident person, but i try. Our sex life is pretty repetative and i feel like we sleep together when i have mentioned it an hour or so before, its not like he just jumps on me.. so in a way i feel like he feels like he has to do it. I came across naked photos of his ex girlfriend on his old phone which he lent me as mine broke and overheard him telling his friend one night about how he use to video his other ex girlfriend. I know hes into all this stuff obviously, but has never tried anything like this with me; athough im not into all this myself it makes me feel very bad about me and my body.




THANKS.

[im_in_love]

It seems to me he's gotten used to you doing everything for him. Why would someone bother to make an effort to clean or cook when someone already does it for them without complaining? Obviously I can't tell what he's thinking, but I've seen this attitude a lot with men. They get set in their ways and get used to things being the way they are. Maybe you could try telling him to clean up a little. Not demanding that he clean, of course, just simply mention it and ask if he'll clean.

As far as the sexual things go, does he know about your insecurities? If so, maybe he doesn't initiate things or ask to do all those different things because he knows you're uncomfortable with them. Or it could very well be that he's satisfied with the way things are between you two.

[DearDorthy]

Hi
Katie_melender

I am definitely no expert, but as a someone on the sideline it sounds like hes not appreciating you very much or putting in his fair share.
Have you talked to him about these things? ( besides the part about the light being on? )

I know sometimes its hard to talk about it because you dont want to start a fight but sometimes once all your cards are on the table its then that you find the answer your looking for.
You can't expect someone to change the way they are, but if they make a vaild effort and really try to see where your coming from - then i do think that counts for something. If he doesnt try , and says the hell with it, then perhaps you should say the same and find someone who better appreciates you.

- DearDorthy

[Katie_melender]

i have asked him on so many occasions to help out.
its really starting to get to me. i dont even mind cleaning up after dinner if every once in a while he did stuck the kettle on or showed me he appreciates me in different ways like i mentioned before, a nice dvd on a friday night or a cheap box if chocolates once in a blue moon. i find it difficult to even get much of a conversation out of him. i dont see y i should do all these things for him if i get absolutely nothing in return.

yes maybe thats thw case, he knows i have low self esteem. perhaps he means nothing by it and im just insecure. but when i add it to all the other things it just makes me wonder if our sparks gone.

[hello1]

You are too young for this. It sounds like your in one of those traditional marriages where the husband gets all the satisfaction and the wife moans about how boring how life is. Look I am 20 years old too and it would be pathetic at this age to have to put up with behaviour which an 40 year old lazy man maybe would be displaying. I got low self esteem too but I would rather be alone then stuck in a relationship like that! Lay down the law.

[Lite]

1) Is really your problem. He has a routine, and you're asking him to alter it without coming up with any reasonable solutions yourself. Perhaps you should get a blindfold to wear while you sleep. You might even be able to use it in more interesting ways in the bedroom.

2) Also your problem. He's not responsible for fixing your low self esteem, you are. What are you doing to fix your problem? Not only are you wallowing in self pity about your self esteem, but you're also not enforcing your boundaries by telling him that his comments are inappropriate, unappreciated, and simply dumping his ass over them.

3) You clean up after him, and don't make him do it himself. Again, you're letting yourself be taken advantage of. Stop doing it. Don't cook for him, don't clean for him. Let him clean his mess up. Tell him how you expect chores to be divvied up, and get used to washing just enough plates for you to use.

4) Establish a date night, and date routine. Also learn that you cannot teach someone how to love you. Either how they show love for you is OK with you, you learn to accept it, or you find someone else.

5) So what are YOU doing to spice up your love life? Why is it his job to make things better in the bedroom for the two of you? No, really.

Basically he sounds like a typical 21 year-old male who doesn't really value or know how to treat a woman. It sounds like he's really not all that into you, and you should probably consider moving on to find someone better. In the meantime you need to actually work on your issues, your body image, your self esteem, and fix you. Nobody is going to fix you for yourself. That's your job.

[Katie_melender]

1) Is really your problem. He has a routine, and you're asking him to alter it without coming up with any reasonable solutions yourself. Perhaps you should get a blindfold to wear while you sleep. You might even be able to use it in more interesting ways in the bedroom.

2) Also your problem. He's not responsible for fixing your low self esteem, you are. What are you doing to fix your problem? Not only are you wallowing in self pity about your self esteem, but you're also not enforcing your boundaries by telling him that his comments are inappropriate, unappreciated, and simply dumping his ass over them.

3) You clean up after him, and don't make him do it himself. Again, you're letting yourself be taken advantage of. Stop doing it. Don't cook for him, don't clean for him. Let him clean his mess up. Tell him how you expect chores to be divvied up, and get used to washing just enough plates for you to use.

4) Establish a date night, and date routine. Also learn that you cannot teach someone how to love you. Either how they show love for you is OK with you, you learn to accept it, or you find someone else.

5) So what are YOU doing to spice up your love life? Why is it his job to make things better in the bedroom for the two of you? No, really.

Basically he sounds like a typical 21 year-old male who doesn't really value or know how to treat a woman. It sounds like he's really not all that into you, and you should probably consider moving on to find someone better. In the meantime you need to actually work on your issues, your body image, your self esteem, and fix you. Nobody is going to fix you for yourself. That's your job.

1. okay so yes its my problem i cant get back to sleep. I have suggested that once he work clothes are ironed ect, i leave them in the spare bedroom. He turns the lights on, goes to the kitchen gets his packed lunch and fetches it to the bedroom to place in his work bag. He knows k find it difficult to sleep, wouldnt any considerate person just go in the next room? its not like he needs anything special from our bedroom. when he is in bed and i get up, im quiet as a mouse.

2. Yes my problem aslo that i have low self esteem, but perhaps my low self esteem is also coming from these situations from my boyfriend... if he treats me like this it doesnt exactly make me feel great about myself and nor is telling me how attractive other women are. However, i admit ive always suffered low self esteem, but i am trying to change it. Im doing a programme with my councillor to help me with all of my issues.

3. I dont like mess. Im not someone who likes everything to be done straight away but if i left it to my boyfriend to put his own clothes in the wash or take his glasses through, i'd simply live in a house that looked like a bomb had hit it. Like ive said i dont mind cooking for him, we eat at the same times and its quite nice to sit at the table and eat together.. but im starting to resent any sort of help i give him because i get nothing back. Ive spoke to him about this so many times. I find it lazy that he assumes i'll take care of everything for him and really quite offensive.

4. i've tried. I say we should go out for dinner more. or to the cinema once a month. Or just anywhere, i always ask what he would lik to do so that he enjoys it whereas id just like to spend the time with him. But as ive said eveything is too much effort. He ;cant be arsed' untill his friends give him a ring then hes there. I always ask if he wants to watch a dvd or even suggesting playing a game on his ps3 with him. All i get in return is how rubbish at the game i am or how he's 'seen it before' 'not his thing' .. put what about just spending time together.

5. I have tried. Ive read up what may be up with him, ive bought new underware. ive suggested weekends away. Ive asked him what he wants... he seems all interested but then never goes through with it.

i appreciate your comment and seeing things from his point of view.
Perhaps you're right he just isnt into me that much. Ive asked him this before and he tells me im silly.

[EvanHadkins]

It sounds like he is not willing to accommodate your needs or make compromises. It sounds like a bad situation from what you have said here.

[vashti]

Your self esteem is low because you allow yourself to be treated like his mother rather than a lover. This is what often happens when you live with a young man who has little-to-no experience caring for himself. Why don't you just move out? 21 year old boys are still learning how to be men. Living with a girlfriend who does everything for them and expects nothing in return doesn't teach them how to be a suitable match for anyone.