Closing In On a Year Now...

[ChristianonLI]

I feel it's less a "mommy" issue and more an issue of having my heart torn from my body by someone who should have felt a little more obligation to my well being than she did. Now it's just an issue of waiting until I die which, with my luck, won't be for decades to come. After all, I'm expected to suffer. It's apparently my purpose. And suffering over great lengths of time is the worst of all.

[sookie6]

I feel it's less a "mommy" issue and more an issue of having my heart torn from my body by someone who should have felt a little more obligation to my well being than she did. Now it's just an issue of waiting until I die which, with my luck, won't be for decades to come. After all, I'm expected to suffer. It's apparently my purpose. And suffering over great lengths of time is the worst of all.

Hopeless...

[Gigabitch]

I feel it's less a "mommy" issue and more an issue of having my heart torn from my body by someone who should have felt a little more obligation to my well being than she did. Now it's just an issue of waiting until I die which, with my luck, won't be for decades to come. After all, I'm expected to suffer. It's apparently my purpose. And suffering over great lengths of time is the worst of all.

The fact that you picked her in the first place, that you so happily put yourself in the hands of someone who could so easily throw you away, indicates some dysfunction on your part that has nothing to do with her. You should look at that. Why didn't you protect yourself more? It's like you are some kind of willing human sacrifice.

[IndiReloaded]

I did idolize and very nearly worship my ex wife.

I'm forced to live this endless nightmare of rejection while she enjoys the life she will forever believe she couldn't have with me when I did everything in my power to appease her at the expense of my dignity and my very identity.

LOL, I know I shouldn't laugh but your attitude is completely ridiculous. So what if you gave her your heart and soul and then some? This has nothing to do with the fact that it clearly wasn't what SHE wanted. Do you get this? Your willingness to completely abase yourself is actually very selfish. You think that acting this way means that she has some obligation to you. Its actually a form of coercion, an attempt to FORCE obligation on her and I think she was right to leave.

Its like those people who spend their entire paycheque on the lottery and think they deserve to win and are affronted when lady luck just doesn't go their way. Your thinking is completely irrational. Get some counselling, Chris.

[sookie6]

LOL, I know I shouldn't laugh but your attitude is completely ridiculous. So what if you gave her your heart and soul and then some? This has nothing to do with the fact that it clearly wasn't what SHE wanted. Do you get this? Your willingness to completely abase yourself is actually very selfish. You think that acting this way means that she has some obligation to you. Its actually a form of coercion, an attempt to FORCE obligation on her and I think she was right to leave.

Its like those people who spend their entire paycheque on the lottery and think they deserve to win and are affronted when lady luck just doesn't go their way. Your thinking is completely irrational. Get some counselling, Chris.

Indi, Thanks for explaining so clearly and so cleverly how I feel regarding the OP's attitude.

Chris we can't agree with you or pretend we feel for you because you are demonstrating such an odd and selfish reasoning. Unfortunately you seem all wrapped up in this 'me against the world' attitude and nobody will be able to help you see through your distorted lenses.

[ChristianonLI]

No, nobody has been able to help me for the last year. Grateful as I am for all those on this forum and other forums who have tried, the answer cannot now and never can be, "move on, forget about her, she wasn't right for you," because that is a defeatist attitude. That would be me saying, "I do not have control over the world around me and I am at the mercy of fate, the universe and the whims of all those around me." That's not how my life has gone up until this horrible, catastrophic atrocity against my dignity. I was never supposed to be faced with that whole "loved and lost" scenario that the rest of you have dealt with or are still dealing with. That's just not for me. I was supposed to find one and be done. I was supposed to be the one lucky person on Earth who was able to sidestep the horrible reality of rejection and never again have to face the crippling, ego-destroying horror of loneliness. I was not supposed to be like all of you. As far as I'm concerned if she loved me once she is supposed to still love me, unchanged and unwavering. Or else she never loved me at all which is in and of itself an even more horrible thing to think about than the image of her happy with an inferior and unworthy man. And if she never loved me, after all that, isn't that proof enough that I cannot be loved ever?

[VincenzoG91]

It's true that you "do not have control over the world around" you, but you do have control over yourself. You can't control what happens in life. None of us can. But you can choose how you react to things. Yes, you really can. Think about somebody really tough that you know. He or she wouldn't take a divorce hard like this, right? That tough person would have bounced back by now, probably laughed it off. All it takes is confidence, and you can fake it until you have it.

Since I joined this site last winter, I have noticed some progress on your part. Your earlier posts reflected complete despair. Now you have mixed in an element of anger. It's still negative, but that is a bit of progress, in that you are starting to allocate the blame for your failed marriage a bit more equitably. You both made mistakes, and now the marriage is over. That is the past, and it is done.

Today is a new day. So is tomorrow. Any time you want, you can start making better choices that will lead to a better outcome. Identify the mistakes that you made, and resolve to not repeat them. Reflect on any criticism or feedback that you got from her when things turned bad. Recognize that some of her criticism was probably accurate, and you may be able to improve yourself in some respects. And also recognize that some of her criticism may have been unjust, reflecting her own biases or issues more than anything actually wrong with you. Most importantly, you need to understand that she wasn't the right person for you, and then figure out some specific reasons. Make list of those reasons, and then turn them into a list of qualities that you will avoid in your next girlfriend.

You do deserve credit for not dating right now. Until you have a better grasp of what went wrong and how you will do better next time, it's still too soon to date. That said, it would be good if you got to a point where you could start dating again in the not-too-distant future. You will be ready when you are prepared to have fun and not get too serious right away. Also, you should absolutely refrain from talking about your ex on any first dates. Just say that you don't want to bore her with the details at this stage, and don't make it seem like you are obsessed or hiding anything.

[Petit Papillon]

You must be kidding me. You should listen to yourself, I didn't read such pityfull post since a very long time. IT WAS YOUR FAULT that she left and now you haver the chance to make it right! Go to a doctor, get some therapy and GET A LIFE! she WILL NOT COME BACK, but at least you can make the next one stay,forever...
But by now, you're embarassing dude, if I'd be your mother, I would come to your place, slap your face few times ,pack in the car and take you to the shrink.

You're one of those people that do themselves problems ,there is enough problems made by other people ....

[Gigabitch]

Christian, your repeated use of the word "supposed" is very telling. You're still clinging to this supposition about the way things are, and you're incorrect. This is why you're stuck. Vincenzo is right. I wish I could thank him twice. No one is the master of his own destiny. Horrible things happen. People are hit by buses. Children die of leukemia. Wives leave husbands. No one thinks it's fair, and they're right, it's not fair. Life is just not fair.

What happened in your marriage might not have been fair, but it happened, like so many other tragedies, and it's up to you whether or not you can get past it. Either you rejoin the living or you don't. The point is that you CAN do this if you really try.

[IndiReloaded]

the answer cannot now and never can be, "move on, forget about her, she wasn't right for you," because that is a defeatist attitude. That would be me saying, "I do not have control over the world around me and I am at the mercy of fate, the universe and the whims of all those around me."

What a load of crock, LiON. This is a complete self-psych to call this^ a defeatist attitude. Its actually the only sane thing to do in your situation. Truth is, you are scared to death to get back on that horse and try again and you think this^ argument gives you an excuse not to even try.

Sorry doll. You know I remember you posting way back when before you got married and the whole ring BS. Different SN. I liked you then, I still like you now. Enough to let you know that you aren't fooling us. Enough to not let you fool yourself.

Its okay not to be ready. Its even healthy to know and admit it. But its not healthy to lie to yourself. An optimist clings to his hopes and a pessimist clings to his miseries, but you have to be honest enough to admit the difference b/t the two.

[ChristianonLI]

Ok then, how do I resolve her possibly ever being happier with another man? How do I get around the obvious affront of her living her life without me, viewing me as a mistake and feeling whatever new man she is with is better? When she promised me I was the one. When she swore how right it all was. When nothing about her, all the way through the wedding and into the honeymoon, indicated that this tragedy would happen. And then one day she woke up and she had to run as fast as her feet could take her.

I want this all to end, people. Either by me undergoing hypnosis and having every memory of Jenn and our relationship erased from my memory or by killing myself because I am not prepared to live the rest of my life remembering this and wondering what could have been had she just been a more reasonable, caring and forgiving person. You can all live your lives having loved and lost. I would prefer to continue with the illusion of perfection. It's really the only way for me, but how can I resume being perfect with these memories proving otherwise?

[Kyouhen]

Damn, with this kind of thought you might as well just stop doing anything, I mean you're so stuck in the thought of suffering that your refusing any other idea, and substituting it with your own insecurities and cowardice.

That fine for awhile because it helps you heal enough to give it another go, but man your taking it to a whole new and actually problematic level.

Your acting as if your family was murdered, and your left crippled in a third world country who acts as if your a criminal.

Your right, if someone devotes a "ceremony" of life with you, then they should stick with you a little more than your wife did (I mean honestly 3 months that is ridiculous), but isn't it better she left you in the beginning then after so many years of never being good enough for her?

You obviously gotta learn something from this, not just kick the bucket, because thats just being a waste of space.

Own up to the fact you got problems and your not right for everyone, and weren't good enough for your wife's eyes, but you are a human being, which means with your faults, you HOPEFULLY have redeeming qualities which you can strengthen along with trying to control your more negative qualities.

It's unrealistic to believe you'll get rid of your flaws, but you can make them better, and make yourself better, because right now your not cutting it.

Stop dicking around hoping the world will understand and rock you to sleep because you have a problem and use that energy so you don't have to go through this process again.

[ChristianonLI]

Indi, I'm not Lion, I didn't come to this forum until after my wife left me. Plus the enormous and comprehensive account of every detail leading up to my marriage's failure in the very first thread I wrote should prove I'm not this other person.

[IndiReloaded]

Indi, I'm not Lion, I didn't come to this forum until after my wife left me. Plus the enormous and comprehensive account of every detail leading up to my marriage's failure in the very first thread I wrote should prove I'm not this other person.

Oh sorry, my bad. In a way I'm glad you aren't b/c I remember him as a quite reasonable fellow.

I already gave you my opinion on relationships in my earlier post. Your problem seems to lie in too much investment. Fact is, nothing lasts forever. Accidents happen, people die and marriages fail. I think Giga already tried to make this point. And my point about your argument being a load of bunk is still correct.

At the risk of sounding cliche (but they are old sayings for a reason): its not about how you handle the successes in your life, those are easy. Its how you handle failure that shows what you are made of.

What are you made of Christian?

[VincenzoG91]

Ok then, how do I resolve her possibly ever being happier with another man? How do I get around the obvious affront of her living her life without me, viewing me as a mistake and feeling whatever new man she is with is better? When she promised me I was the one. When she swore how right it all was. When nothing about her, all the way through the wedding and into the honeymoon, indicated that this tragedy would happen. And then one day she woke up and she had to run as fast as her feet could take her.

Here's how you resolve it... think about the way she dropped you without much warning. She seems like the kind of person that would rather quietly nurse a grudge before finally taking extreme action. So she is probably already getting annoyed about certain imperfections that she has detected in the current guy. She isn't really happy with him, she can never be satisfied with anybody. One day she will surprise him too by dumping him. Then she will move on to the next flawed (i.e. normal) guy, and repeat the cycle.

Or maybe she won't But if you just assume that the above paragraph is true, you can take another step towards moving on. Or more than one step, if you want.

Also, drop this talk about being perfect. None of us are perfect. We are all flawed and human, but there can be a heroic quality in our struggle to overcome our flaws to achieve our goals. Being perfect would be too easy, but beating the odds is impressive.