My fight against jealousy starts today...

[Framed]

Hi everyone,
I have just joined the forum today and I have done it for a specific reason.
I have started a romantic relationship with a girl I have known and been attracted to for almost ten years, and I am determined not to let my jealous tendancies hurt the relationship. With this in mind I have been reading up on what jealousy actually is in an effort to determine why I have felt it so strongly in my adult relationships and how best I can overcome it.One web site said to talk about it and seek advice......I am talking, and if anyone has thoughts or advice I appreciate your time.
CURRENT SITUATION;
My girlfriend and I have been friends since we were quite young, I made all the normal advances a young chap would in light of the fact I adored her but she would shy away if I tried to kiss her, after a few years I pretended that I was over the romantic inclinations and we both got busy with life, she had two medium term relationships then married, I have had three medium term relationships ( about 2yrs long each). I called on her every two years or so as I passed through her town and even half beleived myself that I had gotten over her. About six months ago I heard that she was no longer married and called in to see her ....we've been like 16 year olds in love ever since, seeing each other whenever possible and enjoying every single second of it. Last week she moved to Europe for a four month work contract that has been planned for a long time (ever since we got together). It is with this move that I have felt the pangs of jealousy and insecurity rising up in me. They are familiar feelings, yet wholly unwelcome. She has never done anything to me to suggest that she would be unfaithful. She has lead a very conservative romantic life and remained faithful to her ex partners. She has reassured me that she loves me and will not stray, we are very close and in love, yet I still find myself picturing situations in which she will most likely find herself, that could lead to a romantic liason while she is away.
POTENTIAL REASONS;
I had a brilliant family life until I was seven. Then my mother unexpectedly left to start a life with a business associate of my fathers. My father spiralled into a nasty depression and regularly ranted and raved about how great the sin of infidelity is and how it destroys everything and anyone it comes in contact with.
My first real girlfriend (aged 17) moved away to a college and (predictably I know) met a chap there which ended our relationship.
My next girlfriend was a great and kind person but when she would drink she would kiss other guys etc....it ended up being too much for me and the relationship ended.
My next girlfreind was totally faithful for two years and I developed a real trust and then she went away for her job to a remote location and slept with a guy she was working with. Again....i stayed with her for a few months trying to get over it but I just couldn't stop thinking the worst when she was away....I basically went a bit mad and would fixate on scenarios that would in all likelyhood never happen.
WHERE I'M AT NOW;
I am with the girl I want to remain with for the rest of my life.
I am acknowledging that I am insecure about my girlfreind being unfaithful not because she has indicated that may hapen, but because of other relationship experiences I have had.
I know that my jealous feelings must be felt and noticed by my girlfreind and that it can do no good for the relationship if she feels like I don't trust her.
I am a good looking and succesful guy. I am popular and know of quite a few girls that would like to start a relationship with me if I was keen. I only say that to make it clear that my insecurities are not based on a basic lack of self-esteem etc. I know I am a good partner and I also know that she loves me......yet I worry.
I am thinking that a slow and deliberate change in the way I am thinking is required so that I can sleep at night and also do no damage to the new relationship (pretty sure none has been done so far).
Tomorrow, whenever I feel that insecurity, dread and worry rising up in me , I am going to say to myself "I am a good catch, she loves me, I have nothing to worry about" and see if hat helps in any way.
I will report back and let you know (cause I know you're on the edge of your seat )....in the mean time, any other thoughts or other little mantr'a I could use to help shift my thinking would be well received, Thanks

[lahnnabell]

Your girlfriend should be supporting your efforts to get past this. A true effort to commit to her would be to invite her into your life and be able to talk about this with her openly. How is your communication with your girlfriend?

[Framed]

That was quick! I see what you're saying but because she is so far away and the relationship is quite young I would prefer to just start getting my head right....does that make sense? i feel like it might set off alarm bells for her.

[lahnnabell]

Well, how do you expect to help this relationship grow if you don't include her in your life?

[Framed]

My take on it (and I'm open to changing my mind), is that we have been very close, sharing a lot with each other, and then this reered it's head for me just as she was preparing to move countries and dealing with a lot of other stresses that came about for her at the same time, she needed me to be stable and there for her while she was overloaded and needing someone to rely on. I felt like telling her I was worried about how she conducted herself while she was away would do the oposite, it would load her up more . Your thoughts?

[lahnnabell]

Okay, you misunderstood me. I don't mean that you should question her behavior, I mean that you should tell her about your issues with jealousy. Tell her that it is YOUR problem, but that you need her love and support while you work through it.

In all honesty, I think this is something best worked through alone. The stress of an LDR combined with your blatant jealousy/insecurity issues could ruin this before it even gets off the ground.

[sookie6]

Just wanted to say that on reading your background story I was not surprised to hear about your mother going away when you were still young. A big scar that could explain your fear of abandonment...

PS: it's funny how you call some of your past relationships before 'medium long relationships'...I had never heard of this expression before

[Framed]

Okay, you misunderstood me. I don't mean that you should question her behavior, I mean that you should tell her about your issues with jealousy

I don't think I could have an in depth conversation with her about the issues without it being some sort of a stress on her and there wasn't much time either before she left.
All the time she had was spent preparing for her work.

In all honesty, I think this is something best worked through alone.

I'm glad my decision fits with your line of thinking.

A big scar that could explain your fear of abandonment...

Yeah maybe....it's interesting though because I don't feel in any way emotional about it, more like a logical observation that it is something that can happen, and when it does, it completely bowls one person over.

[lahnnabell]

When I say alone, I mean with her out of the picture for a while. Trying to maintain contact at such a distance with the added pressure of all this insecurity is a recipe for disaster. If your issues are as bad as you say, then it's only a matter of time before you ARE questioning her and resenting her.

[Framed]

Yeah I am basically embarking on a deliberate attempt to change the way I think because I know that it's based on past experiences and not this relationship.
I haven't questioned her and I don't want to, the worst I would get would be to ask her where she was if she was out late at night. One big aspect of it is that it is a terrible feeling for me, it's stressful and consuming and so sorting it out benefits me immediately and directly. At this stage she doesn't know I feel like that. To give you an idea, she's been gone for a week and I have had one four hour period of feeling almost desperate and fretting non stop because she didn't ring when she said she would. I told myself that she was busy and would ring when she could. Thats exactly what happened. I said nothing to her about it, the conversation was great and I hung up feeling very happy.
The rest of the time I have been feeling sad hat she's gone but thats just normal. Hope that explains the scale of the thing.

[fi123]

Why don't you go and see a therapist while she is away that can help you through your abandonment issues, it would at least help you get from week to week until she gets back and would help you in the long term also.

[tking25]

Agh, I feel the same way about my girlfriend, and it is honestly THE WORST feeling in the world. I, too, need to talk to somebody about this problem. Thanks for posting this, and thanks for all who have replied. =)

[RainbowFaerie]

In line with the user above who suggested some sort of therapy - have you considered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? It can be very effective for some people and especially with problems such as this.

I understand it's early days relationship-wise, and you don't want to burden her with a big talk about all this, especially not while you are so far apart!! But it's good that you recognise your problem and are willing to make a conscious effort to overcome it. I really hope you do and that things work out for you both.