Think i might have messed things up for good

[fi123]

Hi - looking for advice on my situation.

I have been with my exboyfriend for about a year and a half and we broke up a few days ago.

Some background - i have been in some debt for a while now but i have been paying it off successfully for a while now. I have always worked a lot throughout our relatinship but then About 6 months ago i realised i wouldn't be able to pay my next tax bill, so i started working 6 or 7 days a week to save up. This included working every saturday and sunday. My ex, who just works monday to friday was very unhappy about this he said it was too much, he found it very stressful only spending a very limited amount of time with me, just a few hours per week, and that he really needed more time with me, that he really needed me in general, that he felt on his own in the relationship, we stopped doing stuff together because i was always unavailable or tired.

He has always told me that he has never loved anyone or felt about anyone like he did me, that he had such overwhelming feelings for me, the best sex he ever had, i was great company, the funniest girl i had ever been with i made him laugh a lot, got on great with his children and they really liked me, etc and i was the only girl he could ever freely say he loved to without feeling awkward or pressured. Even on the day he broke up with me he would not deny that he had such overwhelming feelings for me sometimes he found it quite scary as it made him feel very vulnerable.

About a week or so ago when i finally acknowledge to myself that our relationship was suffering as a consequence of my working so much , i told him that i was going to stop my saturday and sunday working, because it is probable that now i would have most of my tax money and i could sort out a payment plan with the inland revenue for the rest, that he was the most important thing to me and that i wanted to be with him more too. He was very happy about this and we both talked about all the things we could do together on the weekends, he seemed very happy. A couple of days later i panicked about my money situation and told him i was going to carry on working saturday and sunday until christmas.

So basically he told me he wanted "time to think about us".

I panicked and said i would give up my saturday and sunday now in order to stop our break up but he stated for me not to do that, he did not know if he wanted to do that now, he was fed up of the whole situation now.

I asked him if i had stuck to what i originally said that i would give up my saturdays and sundays straight away and not changed my mind would things have been ok between us, he said yes they probably would.

I left him alone two or three days and then texted him to see if he had made up his mind and he texted me the following

"Like i said I feel that I have been on my own in this relationship and I don't know if I have the motivation to start it all up again. Maybe when you are more secure financially and have time for a relationship who knows but at the moment I really don't have the energy to start it up again"

So i texted back "Ok i understand. And thank you for being clear and honest with me I respect you a lot for that x"

I have not contact him since yesterday when i sent my reply.

So I am thinking of going no contact and in a few weeks sending him an apology.

What do you think, have i blown it for good, do you think i stand a chance if i let things calm down between us for the time being?

[vashti]

.......???

I don't think you blew it at all?

You owe money, and you need to pay it. That's what responsible adults do. Why doesn't he understand this?

Listen, he has a right to want a girlfriend that is more available than you can afford to be, but that doesn't mean you "blew it". It just means your timing is bad.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Vash. Obviously hindsight is 20/20, so you should save up for your taxes next year (I'm guessing you are self-employed), but you did what you needed to meet your commitment.

So, lets see: you are responsible, hard-working, and apparently a good partner enough that he is sad he can't spend more time with you. Most guys would agree that sounds pretty good.

Its not like you are a chronic workaholic and never available. This was just a temporary situation. If he can't understand this, maybe you should remind him. If he still doesn't get it you might be better off without him. As you say, tho, give it time.

Good luck, fi.

[lahnnabell]

The strongest, most functional women are always the ones that get this type of situation. I'm living it right now. My boyfriend is quite possibly moving across the country, and while I originally had plans to join him, I recently earned the promotion I'd been working so hard for these last several months. We'll potentially be 3,000 miles apart.

However, unlike your ex, I'm lucky enough to have my boyfriend's understanding and support, despite how much he hates this situation. Doesn't make it any easier to think about all of this.

But like the other ladies have said, you did not blow it. You have to take care of yourself, and judging from how "vulnerable" your boyfriend is, he is nowhere near a place where he can provide the kind of support you need (emotional and mental). You need a strong man to be there. This separation will either help him realize that he needs to develop a thicker skin, or that he simply needs someone who can be the kind of girlfriend he wants.

[oneandonly]

If you are runing an online retail business like I do, it's crazy to slow down on weekends especially now. It's about time that sales pick up running upto Christmas. You should be ready to have a blast from Sep to Dec. No way will I switch off on weekends although I will have a long well deserved break after December.

I don't see why he can't be supportive. It's not like you don't spend time with him at all.

I think you have your priority right. Having him not around or taxman on your tail, what is more stressful? lol

You sound like a great partner in every way except the lack of time to spare with a valid reason. He should be more supportive and understanding, IMO.

[fi123]

It is true he is not supportive of me in this situation; he has debts too, not as much as mine but mine came from some health issues that meant i could not work for a couple of years a few years back. He however would rather not pay them back at all if he can help it and so is paying them at a rate of £1 a month and he cannot see why i want to pay mine back in a quicker way. Anyway, the point is because he has many other good qualities i do wish for a reconciliation. Do you think it is best if i go no contact for a while and then try and reopen lines of communication or should i just give up at this point?

[IndiReloaded]

So basically he told me he wanted "time to think about us".

I panicked and said i would give up my saturday and sunday now in order to stop our break up but he stated for me not to do that, he did not know if he wanted to do that now, he was fed up of the whole situation now.

I asked him if i had stuck to what i originally said that i would give up my saturdays and sundays straight away and not changed my mind would things have been ok between us, he said yes they probably would.

I left him alone two or three days and then texted him to see if he had made up his mind and he texted me the following

"Like i said I feel that I have been on my own in this relationship and I don't know if I have the motivation to start it all up again. Maybe when you are more secure financially and have time for a relationship who knows but at the moment I really don't have the energy to start it up again"

So i texted back "Ok i understand. And thank you for being clear and honest with me I respect you a lot for that x"

I have not contact him since yesterday when i sent my reply.

So I am thinking of going no contact and in a few weeks sending him an apology.

What do you think, have i blown it for good, do you think i stand a chance if i let things calm down between us for the time being?

I think you should let him alone for about a week. If you haven't heard from him by then (I'm betting you will), then simply say you'd like to meet for coffee. I would deal with your situation by involving both of you in a scheduling/planning session where you work out a reasonable work schedule + time to see each other. Both of you would need to agree, which is why you would work on this together.

If he can't make that much effort then I would say its over. He can't reasonably expect you to make all the compromises.

[fi123]

Ok so i went a few days no contact with my ex and then yesterday i sent a text asking if there was any way of keeping the line of communication open between us. He eventually replied today saying the reason he decided that he'd "had enough" was because there were too many "false dawns" and a cycle of finishing and getting back together ( we have finished before briefly for the same reasons i.e. he feeling like the relationship was going nowhere because i was never around and he kept giving up ona future with me). Ok so i got all panicky and tried to call him but he just kept cutting me off (i hate that panicky feeling!!!).

Anyway so i decided to bite the bullet and i told my work that i would be giving up my saturdays and sundays now and texted him (several) text messages telling him that i had done that. ( know i'm pathetic and desperate...).

So then i called him ..again...and i didn't expect an answer but he did actually answer...much to my surprise...we talked for about 20 minutes basically about us and he was saying he had got to the point where he had started to move on because he never saw a point when i would be working less...but he seemed open to the possibility of staying friends and meeting up for a coffee or something when he got back (he is visiting relatives on the coast at the moment with his two children).

Anyway he had to then go because he had promised his son he would take him down to the quay this afternoon. So i said...can we talk later (i know, i'm pushy) and he said ok i'll text you later when i'm not having to see to the kids so we can talk.

Anyway i ended up sending him another text about an hour later with some more stuff about me not being a workaholic and not seeing developing a relationship as a secondary thing priority, which i think he thinks was the case with me.

So anyway he then texted me about an hour ago saying "Did you want to talk?"

So i called him and he said his kids were on the wii so we could talk. So we talked for about half an hour, not all about our relationship but half of it was just normal conversation. He seems open to the possibility of us maybe trying again, he said his problem was all to do with the fact of me working so much and he could not see where the relationship was going because i never gave him any real indication of when the situation is going to end. But he said "obviously i have feelings for you otherwise i would not have stayed in this situation that i was not happy with for so long."

However i am by no means counting my chickens. He said we could just keep communicating while he is away and then meet up when he gets back.

Do you think i should just leave it up to him now to contact me??

[IndiReloaded]

Do you think i should just leave it up to him now to contact me??

Yes. Otherwise its too one-sided. As we already told you, you didn't do anything wrong. Honestly, he doesn't sound all that invested in you and possibly a bit of a baby wanting 'his way or no way'. Remember that divorced people are divorced for a reason.

[fi123]

I think that the point is i have been working nearly this much, i have certainly been doing weekends, since we met, and i think that he has found it hard to really see where it was going, or that there was a solid basis of time spent together. That's just what he is like i think and he has got so down and depressed, as he has told me many times, every time i have had to leave on a weekend day to work, he got really really fed up of going to every social thing with his friends or anywhere else on his own. It's really maybe that the relationship never got off to a proper start with time invested on both sides.

I think you're right indreloadedi about him not sounding all that invested in me but i don't think he saw the point in investing a lot in me because i was never around, and he did stick around for a year and a half waiting for things to get better and our relationship to properly start.

However, i am still not that naive. In my mind if you love someone you just love someone and would stick around, whereas he has always maintained in the past that that isn't the case, that i am too much of a romantic, that relationships take time and work and won't work if from the beginning you're just spending a few rushed hours together one night a week after i've just finished work and he's also got his kids to look after, and don't spend more time developing the relationship.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'm not getting the feeling that he appreciates the type of sacrifice you are making here. it's not like you were CHOOSING to work instead of spending time with him, you HAD to in order to pay off your debt. keep indi's comment in the back of your mind...don't let this relationship become too one-sided. you can end up resenting him for putting you in this position. how can you guarantee that making this sacrifice will make you happy? you can't. i really hope things turn out for the better in your situation...

[fi123]

He has said he never "blamed" me for working that much, he said he knew i had to do it, he knew i got into debt because of my health a few years ago and i couldn't really work for a couple of years, it's just that he didn't think a relationship could ever really work under those conditions.

He told me just before he split that i really shouldn't be having a relationship with anyone until i got myself sorted because i just didn't have the time. And to be honest, i can rework my debts in a different way without losing too much, just pay them off a little longer.

I think because he has debts and is paying them off over a long time period he didn't see why i couldn't do that also, whereas i wanted to clear my debts in a couple of years, and therefore he thought i wasn't prioritising him. He said to me that he thought i saw him as an "insurance policy" until someone better came along, for whom i would be prepared to pay my debts of over a longer time period.

[fi123]

Also can i just say thank you very much for everyone who has up to now taken the time to read my thread, and to those who have posted up to now, i really do appreciate it.

[RdHrshyKss]

personally, i'm like you. i have tons of debt from my student loans. i have friends who pay as little as they possibly can, but i try to pay the most i can. it gets you into a good habit of not spending so much money on things you don't need, and will help get that debt off your shoulders quicker. but i'll admit that if my student loans weren't building interest, i'd probably not pay as much as i am now because there is no real benefit to paying it off quicker. it all depends on the situation i guess...

[fi123]

As my life progresses, and i have just posted this in another thread also, i feel more and more that it's only love that matters, not money. And by that i mean your relationships in general, those with your partner, with your family and friends, if you can make those work and have a lot of love in your life then when you get to the end of your life you can feel it has been a success. Only love, not money or career.