Actually, my gf told her to come before we even had a place, and she didn't bring it up with me first.
I moved to SF a year ago and completely fell in love...with the city and with my gf, who I met there. She already had plans to move to NYC for her career, so we just took it one day at a time. Eventually I decided I would just tag along and see how it went. After all, things were going great, I can work from anywhere, and I always wanted to experience living in NYC. As everybody reminded me, nothing is set in stone.
Her family is Vietnamese (I'm white). Her mom was a little standoffish about me at first, but for some reason seemed to warm up a bit when she heard I was going with her daughter to NYC. She even invited me to stay in the house for the last month we were in CA so I could save on rent. I was surprised, but I took that as a good sign. Well a week or 2 into it, my gf's ex (and her mother's favorite...he happens to be Vietnamese as well) showed up at the door to give her some of her stuff back. They broke up a year ago. Without a mention of me being in the house at all, and knowing how much her mom and him liked each other, my gf told him to go visit her mom at work. At that point I knew he would be coming to dinner. I just assumed that I would be there as well.
Her mom calls me and tells me that my gf should stay and I should LEAVE so that he can come for dinner and be with the family again. SERIOUSLY. My gf (thankfully) was furious, and dragged me out of the house so the rest of them could eat without her having to feel awkward. After dinner her mom yelled at her for not being there. Her sister told her she should have been there as well.
Speaking of her sister, she left her job and place in LA and moved back home 3 days after I got there...from out of nowhere. A week before we left, her sister and her had an emotional blowout (much of which was in Vietnamese) and she laid a huge guilt trip on my gf about being a bad daughter and sister and friend....brought her to tears. They were both in tears. It seemed very unhealthy and I was glad to get out of there.
So here we are, finally out of their house and bouncing around NYC while we look for a place in the summer heat. What I didn't know was that even though we didn't have a place yet, my gf had told her sister it was OK to come for 1-3 months. We finally found a place, and it turned out her sister was coming on our move in day.
Now, we don't have any stuff. ANYTHING. No furniture, no food, no supplies. On top of this of course was the stress of moving across the country and locating a job and a place, not to mention also moving into together for the first time. And the heat and humidity, which to somebody from SF is certainly worth mentioning. Now we have a place in NYC. Guess what that means? It's small (one bdrm). AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, I WORK FROM HOME.
Well when I mentioned that this was a horrible time (and duration) for her sister to come, I was met with anger. Now I was being ridiculous. I asked what the emergency was....we had just been with her sister for weeks. She didn't bring it up with her sister and I was just forced to be OK with it. I wasn't, and I worried (knew, actually) that this added stress would probably break us. After being made to feel like I was totally overreacting for a week or two, I just decided to leave my brand new place (which we hadn't moved into yet) and go stay with my parents in DC for the majority of the month. That way I could try to get some work done and hopefully they could just put the place together themselves. I knew that 3 people there for that process (all the time) was just a bad idea. I'm quite good at making the most of situations, and I knew I needed to sell my car in DC anyway. This seemed to work, though I was frustrated that I would be leaving the brand new place I had worked so hard to get us into. I came to terms with it.
However, her sister finally started to realize that I wasn't too happy about it, and called my gf crying about how she was going to pay $200 and push the date back. I didn't mention or insist on this, but I have to tell you I thought it was a great idea, and wondered what they were waiting for. I asked when she was pushing the date back to, and she said "the 11th". The 11th? We could even move in until the 3rd or 4th!! Sometimes the logic these 2 employ just baffles me. I said if she was going to pay the money she could at least choose a sensible date...as in after we've SETTLED. Isn't this what adults do?
Nope. Her mom, her, even a few of her friends. They think I'm some ridiculous asshole who hates the family and isn't good for her. They don't have much respect for me, that's pretty obvious. Despite that, I was very polite and cordial with them always.
My gf and I have a mutual friend who she also told to come stay with us, though thankfully after we've settled. I guess she was supposed to stay for at least a month as well, while she looks for a place. It seems my gf wants to run a free hostel in our little place/my office...in the most expensive city in the country. When our friend heard that it's not a good idea to stay for too long she threw a fit and started bad mouthing me to her sister, creating this big family shitstorm. Now her mom knows that I think she's crazy, me being so upset about what she did to me and venting to my friend.
I just can't believe these people.
Am I wrong to think you should ask your significant other before bringing ANYBODY to come visit for a huge chunk of time?
Am I wrong to think it's a bad idea to have emotionally explosive family stay for a month starting DAY 1 of you moving into a tiny new place - where your significant other also happens to work??
Even though her sister was furious about me saying things about her mom, she herself couldn't wait to get out of the house so she could escape her. While living at home, their mom makes both of them cry quite often. In fact, part of me worried that her sister didn't have much motivation to leave here when it was time to return home!
So even though I came to terms with it and was heading to DC, her sister changed the ticket for "just" 2 weeks, and she didn't arrive until the 19th. She hated me even more for it, and I knew it would happen. I didn't tell her to do anything, and I had already found the only solution that seemed to work for everybody and came to terms with it. That was all on her, and it really sent me over the top.
So I ask you, is it OK to feel the way I have? Is it a cultural thing? Their family has no boundaries, and she admitted that she can't say no to her sister. I feel like it was good that I put my foot down and voiced my opinion; it's just hard to be made to feel like an asshole for being upset about something that I feel was just plain wrong and was forced into.
I know the importance of family, and was fully supportive of her family coming to visit at and for a reasonable period of time. My family operates sooo differently. With or without in laws, we have a 5 day max that is always self imposed by the guest. Emergencies are a different story. We love our space, and don't think there's anything wrong with that. The fact that nobody seemed to be thinking about ME in this situation made me really worry for the future, and it's made the here and now that much more ugly.
Please let me know your take on this!
- End Of My Rope, NYC