Need Advice on an Affair

[mmsmith1977]

I am new to this site, I hope I can get some good advice, as I am not sure where else to go. I have made a huge mess of my life and relationship, and I do not know what to do. I and 33 years old and have been married for 5 years, no children. For the most part the marriage has been good. We have had some tough times over the past six months, though, but I never even thought about straying or leaving. Then, about three months ago I met a friend/coworker of my husband's and was instantly attracted to him. We became friends on our own due to mutual interests, and started hanging out a few times. At first it was just flirtation but became more than that. We have only been intimate once. I feel horrible and guilty, but I have also developed major feelings for this guy. I also love my husband and do not want to hurt him. We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends, but this broke my heart and I am having trouble moving on. I do not know if I should just deal with and work on my marriage or if I should leave my marriage to pursue something further. I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together, which has been very comfortable and nice. I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. If anyone has any advice it would be most appreciated. Please no judgment, I know that this was wrong to do, I am just looking for a way out of this mess that I have created.

[Progressus]

Well, I'm not going to judge you for having an affair (or something alike).

But statements like "I don't want to end up alone" make me sick. Combine that with "I don't want to hurt my husband", which is EXACTLY what you're doing (or have been doing).

Don't get me wrong... I've had affairs with women like you, I'm not going to judge. I'm just saying I don't like your attitude, and maybe THAT'S where the problem lies, not your "boring" marriage.

I'm even younger then you... so maybe you wait for someone more experienced to help you.

[returnofthezro]

first thing, you need to tell your husband, he at least deserves the respect of knowing that his wife is weak between the legs, if he leaves, then he is entitled to and you deserve it,

you not getting over the other fella, tells me that there your marriage is not working, i have no clue why, being comfortable and nice is not good enough especially when you act like a slut, i personally dont think any relationship is salvageable once someone cheats, but thats a personal view, but the problem is your lingering feelings, theres either something wrong with you or your marriage is not providing you with something or a bit of both, either way, its not working

first thing though, tell your husband you are a whore, only plus is that no kids are involved

[Raze]

I'm going to judge you, but you're a SLUT.

[mmsmith1977]

Thank you for the responses, although I think some of the judgment is maybe a little harsh, but I understand. I know that what I did was terrible, I do not need someone to tell me that or call me names. This was not about physical feelings, more about emotional ones, not that that makes it ok. And yes, you are 100% correct in saying that me not wanting to be alone is selfish. I admit that- I do not want to destroy my whole life. Do you think, at this point, we can all just move on? Is it possible to keep this a secret and still work on the relationship? And yes, I am very glad that there are no kids involved to get hurt. Enough damage has been done. Either way, I honestly appreciate the input. I realized by posting this that alot of people would have a very negative response. Funny thing is I used to think the same way, until this happened. I know I shouldnt care what strangers think, but I do want people to know that this is very out of character for me and this has been very hard for me too.

[Progressus]

I do not need someone to tell me that or call me names.

I agree with the name calling, but that's just how it is on the interwebz.

This was not about physical feelings, more about emotional ones, not that that makes it ok.

WTF? That's even worse. Listen, I never cheated on a woman. However, I'm not saying I never will. Give me the right situation and I'm all in. Not that that makes any sense, but it would be purely physical. So if possible, I'd hide it and continue with the relationship. But the moment I like (in a non-physical way) someone more than my own girl, well, then I wouldn't ask any further questions. You KNOW what you should do.

And yes, you are 100% correct in saying that me not wanting to be alone is selfish. I admit that- I do not want to destroy my whole life. Do you think, at this point, we can all just move on? Is it possible to keep this a secret and still work on the relationship?

Well, if you're certainly not going to see this other guy anymore, then yes, I think there is a chance. At least IN PRINCIPLE.

But the way I see your specific situation, I think there are some serious issues with your marriage (and with you). Otherwise you'd maybe go for sexual excitement, but never for something deeply emotional.

Again, I'm not saying you're a bad person.

[mmsmith1977]

I see what you mean, about it being worse to form an emotional bond with someone than just a physical relationship, although both are a betrayal. There are some issues with the marriage and more with me, I know. I just cannot decide what it is I want or what I should do. It is good to get some opinions, though, because I have not been able to really talk about this to anyone- I have not wanted to admit to this to any of my friends or family. My husband has always been my best friend, and I know he loves me. I just never expected to fall for someone else. It just seems that whatever I choose, it hurts.

[Progressus]

I see what you mean, about it being worse to form an emotional bond with someone than just a physical relationship, although both are a betrayal. There are some issues with the marriage and more with me, I know. I just cannot decide what it is I want or what I should do. It is good to get some opinions, though, because I have not been able to really talk about this to anyone- I have not wanted to admit to this to any of my friends or family. My husband has always been my best friend, and I know he loves me. I just never expected to fall for someone else. It just seems that whatever I choose, it hurts.

I can relate to what you're saying, really. But you just directly admitted it... you've fallen for someone else.

That's nothing anybody has control over, NOBODY can blame you for that. It is what it is.

However, continuing to "fake" your marriage is not what I could be cool with. ****ing some other guy for the sex alone is one thing, but feeling emotionally more connected to someone else is a whole other deal.

Apart from what I already said, I really have no other advice for you. It's a ****ed up situation, and someone (you or him) is going to suffer, bank on it. It's him in the short term, or it's you in the long term.

Don't take everything I say for granted though, I'm young and stupid.

[mmsmith1977]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I know I need to do something, just not sure yet.

[returnofthezro]

its time to stop being selfish, you have already done enough damage as it is, if you have a shred of decency left, tell your husband, you at least owe him that, surely you are capable of seeing that

what happens next is that chances are this wont work, assuming your husband has a spine, he will probably want nothing to do with you after this, but then again how am i or anyone else who doesnt know you or your husband from a bar of soap supposed to know? he might be a more forgiving person than most and be willing to work at it, but then again you still have the problem that you still like this other guy (which to be honest i dont understand, i dont understand how you can claim to "love" your husband but still have feelings for another man - again this to me points towards you being a slut), all this points towards a failing marriage

got off the computer and tell your husband

[mmsmith1977]

Maybe you are right, except yes it is possible to have feelings for more than one person. I do not entirely understand it either to be honest, and of course you are free to have your opinion of me. I hope that I can have the courage to tell him, I have to admit that I do not want to at all. Thank you though, a harsh opinion is still helpful.

[qwertz]

I'm going to judge you, but you're a SLUT.

And that helped, how?

[Raze]

And that helped, how?

I hate cheaters. It's not supposed to help.

[IndiReloaded]

Go to Will Harleys site and learn about affairs. You need to confess to your husband and break all contact with this man if you want any hope of your marriage recovering.

[url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html]Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage[/url]

[girl68]

Remaining friends with this man is even more stupid than the affair itself.