Effort in the way you look?

[gem90]

Hi, just registered, so hello everyone!!

So here is my first question....

Do you think it's important to make an effort in the way you look? And how much and how often?

This is why I ask... When I go to out with the girls into town, I try and look half decent! Doesn't everyone? My boyfriend gets jealous and when I come home he pretty much always says the same thing - "you always make an effort when you go out, but never for me". This really annoys me. Firstly because it makes me feel like he thinks I look like crap and put no effort into my appearance when I see him, which isnt true. Secondly, we see each pretty much every night, so its gotten pretty routine and yea sometimes when he comes over i'll just be in comfy clothes or whatever rather than jeans, nice top or whatever. I personally don't see anything wrong with this seeing as we've been together 7 months, are very comfortable with each other and see each all the time. I do still try and look nice for him a lot though as this is apparently important to him. Thirdly, we don't get out a lot (another issue I have for another time maybe haha!!), so why would I make an effort if we're just going to be sat in my house watching TV (which is invariable what we'll be doing)??
Another thing. He says his ex made the effort and looked perfect for him all time. I'm already insecure about her because she is flippin stunning, so needless to say, this didn't help. Now I know I shouldn't be insecure because he's with me not her blah blah blah, but thats just how I feel, I try not to but its difficult when I've got him saying things like this to me!

Gosh, I'm sorry this was such a rant, I didn't mean to go off one quite so much! But thanks for reading and your replys. Greatly appreciated

[girl68]

my guy says this too!

you always dress so nice to go to work but not for me. I'm like okay... what do you want pointy heels and fancy top to go watch your hockey game? or all you can eat sushi at 10 pm you want me to wear my nice form fitting dress? I make fun of those girls and so does he!

yes, gratned I love dressing up but when it isn't for anything why should/ would I?

Sorry I'm of no help but I do feel for ya.

[gem90]

No no its all good! I'm glad someone else is in the same situation! I dont understand what it is he's expecting from me. I just don't get it.....

[cancankant]

I would tell him that I dress for the occasion. If you want to see me all sexified, take me to dinner or a club. If my husband or boyfriend was complaining about it, I would ask him what he would like to see. Maybe he just wants you to wear a low cut blouse once in a while around the house or something. Some guys like pretty lingerie worn under an otherwise "normal" outfit. It they know you're wearing a frilly bra and gstring under your jeans & tshirt, it makes the ordinary extraordinary!

Something tells me he's a little jealous that you get gussied up to go out with your friends, but if he is, he needs to "man up" and start taking you out on the town!

I try not to come directly home from work and jump into sweatpants, but my husband doesn't seem to care either way. I do make an effort to dress up nice on the weekends and do my makeup, etc. I've also taken to wearing makeup during the week, something that I was slacking on for a while, since I don't have an uber professional job.

[girl68]

Yeah ask him what he'd like to say.

Side note: it isn't off base for you to let him that comparing you to his ex isn't wise on many levels.

[cancankant]

As far as the ex thing goes, who broke up with who? If she dumped him, that might explain A LOT.

Just curious...does he go through "the effort" for you -- i.e. nice shirt, decent pants, fashionable, well groomed (shaved, hair done, maybe after shave?) or does he show up in jeans and a jersey and wonder why you're not all dressed up?

What is his idea of sexy? Is it professional (i.e. "sexy librarian"), sporty (super cute yoga pants/tshirt/track jacket), uber sexy (some might even call skanky/slutty) or somewhere in between? I think this is pure jealousy and nothing else. Does he think you're going out to flirt with other guys when you go out with your friends? If you are looking nice and wearing decent clothes on a daily basis, then what is the problem? Do you two live together and perhaps the "mystique" has worn off? Was the ex-gf super high maintenance type (15 different colors in her hair --- all some shade of blonde, nail extensions, fake tan, etc.)? Frankly, I'd tell him to knock off the comparisons because you are the ex-gf are two different girls. I would find it completely insulting to be compared to an ex-gf.

[rain.man]

This sounds like the typical "settling" that happens. You come home, change into some ugly sweats (sorry, but no woman on earth is sexy in sweats, they are an instant boner-killer), strip off the makeup and tie your hair back...the only thing missing is morning breath.

Every couple hits this at some point. Both people get comfortable and stop making the effort. He doesn't expect you to be dressed to the nines, but a nice little blouse and some jeans for example. Something simple yet sexy. He should do the same. No ratty t-shirt and shorts, put on some lightweight pants and a decent shirt. It is a small effort on both your parts, but well worth it. Stay in the comfortable phase too long and bad things happen.

[cancankant]

Every couple hits this at some point. Both people get comfortable and stop making the effort. He doesn't expect you to be dressed to the nines, but a nice little blouse and some jeans for example. Something simple yet sexy. He should do the same. No ratty t-shirt and shorts, put on some lightweight pants and a decent shirt. It is a small effort on both your parts, but well worth it. Stay in the comfortable phase too long and bad things happen.

It goes both ways. I get your drift, but my point was if this guy's idea of sexy is Pam Anderson on a Playboy shoot, then nothing the OP does is probably going to be good enough. My point is, if you're watching TV, jeans and a cute top is probably fine. Throw on heels if he's a heels guy, but if he wants you to wear clubbing clothes to watch 'the game" on his couch, maybe you need a new boyfriend! I'm happy to wear sexy clothes, but this has to be in context --- i.e. at the club or as "role play" in the bedroom.

I'll also have to say I've had some of the most amazing sex of my life while wearing sweats or yoga pants. Well, not while wearing them -- while they were a heap on my bedroom floor! Also, great substitute for sweats are tiny little athletic shorts and a fitted tshirt. Great for lounging in hot weather, and they look cute, too.

[rain.man]

Yeah, the guy could have inflated ideas, but usually it is just him complaining that she dresses like an amorphous blob. The athletic shorts and fitted shirt are a good touch, showing off your curves.

[cancankant]

^ I agree, but I think that the bigger problem here is that the boyfriend doesn't take the OP out very much. Is there a reason for that? Lack of transportation, money, etc.? I'd say find some cheap, fun things to do that involve getting at least moderately dressed up and go do them. In my city, there are tons of free music concerts in the summer -- rock and roll, country, jazz, etc. Most people are casual, but especially with the jazz related one, there are people dressed up a little. Not like at the club, but nice blouse/top and a skirt or shorts.

Another thing you can do is wear mini skirts. They are comfortable AND cute. I'm not saying go overboard, but I think that rain.man has a point. If nothing else, try to make an effort, but strike a bargain. He has to take you on one real date (even if it's a picnic at the beach or window shopping and coffee) a week. Your boyfriend is complaining about you not getting all made up to sit around the house. I don't do that, either. I do it for work (but don't take it off until I go to bed unless I shower at night), and when I'm going out (even if it's for a little shopping trip, unless maybe the grocery store).

Either that or buy cuter lounge clothing. The stuff they sell at Pink or Victoria's Secret is pretty cute. Or walk around the house in a robe.

[girl68]

umm mini skirts aren't comfy that is wearing them properly! you have to constantly adjust yourself, you have to sit in a more more restrictive positions and be rightfully mindful of how you move.

[gem90]

cancankat - she broke up with him. I don't think she was high maintenance as such (no fake tan fake nails etc.) but I think she did spend a fair bit of time getting ready or whatever. And no he doesn't really make any effort when he comes to see me. He's usually in an old pair of shorts and a tshirt with a cap or beanie on.
He's not into girls showing off a load of flesh. He likes classy girls, well dressed, nothing overly sexual.
No we don't live together, but we see each other pretty much every day. He usually comes and stays at mine every night.

We don't go out a lot for a few reasons. Firstly he doesnt have a lot of money which makes it hard. But I couldnt care less what we do, I'm happy just having a walk round the park, I just like to get out of the house! The other reason is, he doesn't really like taking me out because he always thinks other guys are looking at me. This all comes back to the jealousy thing. A couple weeks ago we just went to the superstore to get a bit of food for the week, and when we got home he was angry because he said guys there were checking me out and he said "i can't take you anywhere because guys look at you" which really annoys him.
This also poses the problem of what can I wear. I always have such a problem finding something to wear when we go out, because I want to look nice for him, but I don't want to attract attention, and I wouldnt wear something low cut or anything like that because I know he wouldnt like it.

rain.man - I definitely don't come home and jump into sweats and tie my hair back and wear no make up. Usually when he comes over I'll just be in jeans and a tshirt - nothing particularly fancy, but something i'm comfortable in, and its not hideous, an outfit i'd be happy to go out shopping in or something. On occasion I will change into shorts and tshirt or something comfortable if he's coming over late and im tired or whatever, but I'm not doing this on a regualr basis by a long way.
I've never been the type of girl to get all dressed up. I'm just not like that. So I'm sure he's realised this from the start, so it annoys me a bit that he expects me to change.

[rain.man]

Yeah, if he expects something more than jeans and a nice top, his expectations are over-inflated. Particularly if he isn't putting any effort into his own appearance.

The jealousy is an even bigger issue.

[cancankant]

umm mini skirts aren't comfy that is wearing them properly! you have to constantly adjust yourself, you have to sit in a more more restrictive positions and be rightfully mindful of how you move.

I have a couple of the tshirt type material minis that I wear alone or with leggings underneath. They are cute and comfy. They have a lot of these at the store Express, if the OP is in the US.

Jeans aren't that comfortable, either. I usually like wearing skirts, dresses, culottes, gauchos a lot more than jeans or shorts.

That being said, this guy is a LOSER. Any guy who dictates what you wear or how you dress (as long as you don't look like you should be on the corner!) or is constantly worried about how "all the guys are looking at you" is insecure. Drop him like a bad habit, just like the other chick did. I am waging that both of you are very pretty women and this guy is a control freak who is keeping you sitting at home watching TV for fear that some other guy will "steal you away". You sound like you're doing fine. If he doesn't like it, he needs to hit the road.

[girl68]

"i can't take you anywhere because guys look at you" which really annoys him.
This also poses the problem of what can I wear. I always have such a problem finding something to wear when we go out, because I want to look nice for him, but I don't want to attract attention, and I wouldnt wear something low cut or anything like that because I know he wouldnt like it.

Wow total control freak. He won't take you out becasue you're attractive and men look at you? (even when dressed nice and not like a total hoebag?). That's a red flag right there. Most men are proud to have an attrative woman and have men taking a glance it makes him feel good. Yours is horribly insecure. He very well could have been dumped because he's super jealous and controlling.