My boyfriend could be the father of another woman's baby, but won't discuss the issue

[AnnieOK]

I am female and 26, my boyfreind is 27.We have been together for about 2 years now. Back in December, we broke up for a month and a half. During that time, as it really looked like we would not be getting back together, I slept with an ex-boyfriend.

When my current boyfriend and I began talking again, I didn't bring up the fact that I had slept with someone else. I had been tested and we were using condoms, so it didn't seem like the information would do anything but hurt him. However, once we had been back together for a couple of weeks, he drunkenly confessed that he had slept with an ex-girlfriend once while we had been broken up. He swore it was only one time, and she was the only person he had been with. Since he had been honest with me, I felt the need to do the same and told him I had also slept with an ex.

He freaked out. He started dry-heaving, and had an intense physical reaction. At first he was upset, but then he also became angry with me. He said he couldn't beleive I had done that to him. I was angry that he was being a hypocrite, and pointed out that he had done the same. At this point, he told me that he had actually slept with someone else too. He said her name was "Lucy" and she was good friends with his friend "Mary". He initially said he slept with her once, but then said it was around 3 times.

We got in a pretty big fight about the whole thing, as I was very irate that he lied to me. However I got over it, and we got back together and have been doing really well.

A couple of weeks ago, we were going to go to see a concert. He told me his friend Mary wanted to go too, which was fine with me. He said she was going to meet us, but she never showed up. When I asked him about it, he said that maybe she had been planning on bringing Lucy, the girl he had slept with, but then thought it may be weird if I was there. I asked if he thought Lucy still had a thing for him, and he said she still may want to hook up, but the last he had heard she was pregnant. I freaked and inquired if she was carrying his child. He said it wasn't, but didn't really elaborate as to how he knew, other than saying they had used a condom. However, that is not exactly fail-proof. He implied however that the dates didnt' match up.

A couple of nights ago, we went to a bar to watch a local band. His friend Mary was there, and so was Lucy. Lucy was a horrible, foul person. I am not saying this out of jealously. She was 8 months pregnant and publicly drinking and smoking in the bar. She belched loudly, and was wearing gross mismatched clothes. Also, not to be cruel, but she was terribly unattractive, and mostly due to poor hygiene and disgusting mannerisms.

I was both grossed out and confused. If she was 8 months pregnant, and they had been sleeping together in December, the timing would work out perfectly for him to be the father. She clearly didn't think so, as she was talking to me about her "baby daddy" and how she couldn't wait to pawn the kid off on him so she could go out drinking without the baby. As werid as the situation was, Lucy did not seem to feel awkward at all and was actually very friendly to me.

I found the whole situation weird, and was very upset for several reasons. For one, I couldn't believe that my boyfriend would sleep with such a terrible, disgusting person. I also was confused as to how he was sure the baby wasnt' his. Once we left, I confronted him about the situation. He got mad at me for being upset. He now claims that they had only slept together once, and he was just really, really drunk. When I asked how he knew the baby wasnt' his he would only say "I just do, Ok".

His anger and unwillingness to communcate were so frustrating that I just left, as I felt we would only continue to fight. At this point I don't know what to do. How DOES he know that the baby isn't his? How could he sleep with someone so repellent? I dont' know if I can be physically affectionite with him at this point without getting that image in my mind.

One of my friends has suggested that maybe he didn't really sleep with her and was only saying he did to upset me after he found out I slept with my ex. I find that hard to believe, especially after he stuck with the story and brought it up a second time. I would like to think he didn't sleep with her, as it is so gross, but it would also creep me out if he were being dishonest.

If you were him in the situation, how would you be so sure the baby wasnt' yours? Wouldn't you be concerned considering the timing that there was a chance it could be? And that your child would be raised by someone who was smoking and drinking during pregnancy and showed no interest in parenting?

Should I be horrified he slept with someone so gross, or is that just how men are? Could he be lying? Is this something worth breaking up over?

[kitkitkitty]

i definitely think you should get this girl to do a DNA. and he could be being quiet about it because he doesn't want to show his true feelings.

[AnnieOK]

His true feeling for her? Me? Or his fear that he could be the father?

He honestly seems very confident he is not the father. I don't get the sense that he has any fear.

[kitkitkitty]

i thought it'd be because you're unsure about whether he's the dad or not that it's rubbed off on him slightly. he must have had doubts at some point. if so, he really should push her to find out properly.

[rain.man]

Some guys will take home just about anything with two legs if you get them drunk enough.

As far as the baby goes, it is usually the woman who would be obsessing about who the daddy is. If she says he isn't, any guy who would take home a hood rat like Lucy wouldn't give it a second thought. All you have is a rough estimate. She is the one who knows her sex history and when she got pregnant. If she believes another guy is the daddy, well, she's the one most likely to know. Of course, the only way you'll ever be 100% certain here is a paternity test.

Is a past fling with a trashy girl worth breaking up over? Probably not. Though it should raise some concerns about the choices he makes. Combined with everything else, he sounds like a loser.

[Bella82]

I would have another talk with him and ask him to be completely honest. I can completely understand why it would bother you that he slept with her in particular. He could be lying about the number of times they slept together, or if they slept together at all. It seems very suspicious that he said he slept with her 3 times, but after you met her and were so appalled, he took it down to only one time. Perhaps he feels ashamed? We all do make mistakes, and perhaps she was one of his. It may make you feel better if you can learn more details about it.. maybe it really happened like he said, he was extremely drunk and didn't know what she was like! You will have to speak with him and see how you feel about his answers. Make sure he knows how you feel about his lying, and the fact that he's changed his stories a few different times.

And unless he's gotten a DNA test, he can't know for sure that he's not the father. For this, I would ask him to take the test when the baby is born. If he refuses to take it, I would question whether or not to stay with him.

It does seem like after all of these you are questioning whether you should break up. Can you pinpoint exactly what is the deal breaker in this situation?

[kitkitkitty]

also, you may want to talk to her [over email or whatever] and say that you're unsure about all of this and did she sleep with some other guy near the same date that she did with your bf?

[AnnieOK]

I think the dealbreaker to me would be the irresponsibilty of just taking some trashy woman's word that he isn't the dad and letting a child that could be his be raised in what is sure to be a less than stellar environment. I want to have children of my own at some point, and it is important that any man I am with shows the ability to be a good father.

[AnnieOK]

also, you may want to talk to her [over email or whatever] and say that you're unsure about all of this and did she sleep with some other guy near the same date that she did with your bf?

I would have to get her contact information through him. She mentioned the guy who she believes to be, or at least is claiming is, the baby's father. Unless that guy is an idiot and she managed to convince him that he conceived a child during a time when they were not having sex, I am guessing she was sleeping with at least one other person during this time.

[Bella82]

also, you may want to talk to her [over email or whatever] and say that you're unsure about all of this and did she sleep with some other guy near the same date that she did with your bf?

Hmmm... I'm not sure if I would get involved in something that happened between the two of them. I think it's her boyfriend's responsibility to find out this info and ask for a DNA test.

[Bella82]

I think the dealbreaker to me would be the irresponsibilty of just taking some trashy woman's word that he isn't the dad and letting a child that could be his be raised in what is sure to be a less than stellar environment. I want to have children of my own at some point, and it is important that any man I am with shows the ability to be a good father.

Well said. Did you tell him this yet ?

[AnnieOK]

No. He was so angry when I questioned him about it that I left without resolving the issue. It was late, and we were in public so I didn't want to make a big scene. I think I will say something to him though. He just kept telling me I was being judgemental, and acting like I was being jealous, but I really think I have the right to judge the character of someone who could potentially one day be the father of my chidlren.

[Bella82]

You absolutely can judge his character if he may be the father to your children.

You seem to feel strongly about this, so I definitely think you should speak with him about it.

[AnnieOK]

Well I talked to him about the situation and I don't see that I have any option but to end the relationship. All he did was get mad at me and tell me I was being overly judgmental and that all men sleep with women they aren't attracted to, and I am being a prude.

He said he would get a paternity test, but seem very angry that I would ask this of him. He said there was some guy who "wanted to be the father, so why not let him be."

I cannot stop crying. I feel like he is not the person I thought I was and I am angry that I deceived myself into staying with him for this long.

[IndiReloaded]

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