Do men want to be "friends" with women?

[cancankant]

I got into a discussion of platonic relationships on another board. While I think that men and women can have platonic relationships, I think most of the time, if both parties are attracted to the opposite sex, one or both of the people are settling for "being friends".

I'm not really talking about people you hang around with in groups or those that are spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends of other friends. I'm talking about people who go and do things together "one on one".

I've had several so-called platonic relationships like this over the years, and in both cases, the guy wanted to date me but had resigned himself to the fact that I didn't want to date him. I've had people call me crazy about my opinion of platonic relationships, and I've asked my husband about it jokingly to which he replied that guys don't want women as "friends".

So guys...what's your take? Do you want women as friends? Or are you happy to be friendly with women in order to suss out who you want to date, etc., but would not want to just "hang out" with a woman for company's sake if there was little or no chance of her dating you (i.e. married, has a boyfriend, already turned you down, etc.).

[VincenzoG91]

A guy who is in platonic friendships with a woman he wants to date has assumed Standard Vulture Position. He is just waiting around to see if her current boyfriend or husband dies or leaves the picture for some reason. He waits and hopes, expecting that someday she will finally be available and reward his patience with her love. It's delusional. Generally, once a woman decides that a guy is just a friend, she will never look at him as more than that, even if she is single. In part, it's because the vulture guy seems so passive, and women tend to be more attracted to guys who are assertive or at least aggressive.

I've done the Standard Vulture Position, and it got me nothing but pain. I eventually learned to focus on women who are available and interested, and move on if things don't work out. I'm in a serious relationship, but I do have a couple of female friends these days. One of those friends is married to another friend of mine, so there's no problem there. I would never be interested in hanging out with just her, I only get together with them as a couple. The other female friend is the sister of one of my guy friends, and she and I are attracted to each other. I only spend time around her if it's a group activity or at least her brother is around, because I don't want that attraction to develop into anything more for either one of us. At other times in the past, I've had female friends for a while, and one of us (usually me) eventually wanted to get physical. It's probably inevitable, since guys spend so much time thinking about sex.

[girl68]

smart man speaking there ^.

It's possible if one of the "friends" is ugly. Otherwise I agree completly with the above post.

[cancankant]

I like the description - Standard Vulture Position.

I know a lot of women like to be friends with guys because they "don't like women" or "don't get along with women". I think it's a load of bull. I used to be one of those women who hung around a lot of guys and only had 1 or 2 close female friends, and I saw things quite the same as you do, VincenzoG91.

I have a mid-40s friend whose friends are almost exclusively male. She talks about how these guys do all these "nice" things for her - help her move, take her boating, etc. In the back of my head, I'm thinking, "You know they want to f*ck you, right?" Maybe that's crude, but she is friends with most of her ex-bfs, too and these guys will do stuff like booty call her at 3 a.m. Still, she considers them friends. Obviously, they don't consider her "just a friend".

[girl68]

your friend is an attention whore. i will bet she doesn't know how to set boundries for friends either.

[cancankant]

your friend is an attention whore. i will bet she doesn't know how to set boundries for friends either.

As far as I know, she's never fooled around with most of them, unless you count the ex-bfs. Still, I think she knows she's using these guys either for money, stuff, physical labor, etc.

There is definitely one guy in "Standard Vulture Position" who is her ex-bf. He cat/house sits for her when she goes on vacation with other guys. How messed up is THAT? She had a flood in her basement once when she was on vacation and she bitched him out until he got a generator and pumped out the water.

But back to the original question...I get a lot of women (and some guys) who think I'm some sort of terrible person because I don't believe that most so-called platonic relationships are just that. Usually it's platonic for one person, and the other person is wishin' & hopin'.

[girl68]

ususally its the ugly one wishing or hoping.

your friend sounds like a terrible person. I'm not wondering why she's single at 40.

[cancankant]

I don't think she's a "terrible person", but she definitely does push the envelope at times. As far as being single at 40, it's not a bad thing necessarily. She supports herself and doesn't have entanglements. No kids, either. She was married very young & got divorced at a young age, too. The guy was abusive, so it was good to get out of that situation.

The guys have a choice, too. They don't have to do this stuff. They can say "no", but they want to try to get in her pants and/or date her. So who is worse? It's two sides of the same coin.

As for her ex that cat sits for her, I think he's a tool. He has also done some pretty shitty stuff to her, though. He stole quite a large amount of money from her at one time (after they were broken up), so I think he feels he "owes her one" because she could have gotten him arrested, but instead just made him pay her back, which he did. So I'll give him that.

ususally its the ugly one wishing or hoping.

I think you're right on that one. Or at least the unattached one. I don't understand why people go after other guys' girlfriends/wives or other women's boyfriends/husbands. There are a lot of people out there.

[Gigabitch]

I don't understand why people go after other guys' girlfriends/wives or other women's boyfriends/husbands. There are a lot of people out there.

That's about perceived value, in part, and also about wanting to win. We're a competitive species. We like to take from others.

[IndiReloaded]

There is definitely one guy in "Standard Vulture Position" who is her ex-bf. He cat/house sits for her when she goes on vacation with other guys. How messed up is THAT? She had a flood in her basement once when she was on vacation and she bitched him out until he got a generator and pumped out the water.

Wow, that's just... wow. Ex-BF, you say. I really messed up letting mine all go No Contact. LOL.

[Gigabitch]

Wow, that's just... wow. Ex-BF, you say. I really messed up letting mine all go No Contact. LOL.

Now I wonder if I've also made a terrible mistake. Think of the stable of bitches I could have.

[doppelgaenger]

I have a lot of girl friends. I'm sure that someday, if I decide to marry a girl, I will be forced to cut contact with all of them.

[TXChris]

Depends on the initial relationship. I think many men have female friends but that is because the relationship started out casual or work related. OF COURSE THERE IS THAT OLD SAYING.."F##K YOUR BUDDY" So maybe I'm wrong and all of us are in the SVP !!

[girl68]

I have a lot of girl friends. I'm sure that someday, if I decide to marry a girl, I will be forced to cut contact with all of them.

I wouldn't make a guy lose his friends unless I had good just reason aka ex, that still wanted him or something to that degree

[jenniferx]

I'm not a man but in my experience with male friends, at one point usually someone (usually male) will develop romantic feelings.. although i think there can be periods where neither are attracted to the other but they still hang out and that the romantic feelings can be fleeting.