How to cope with dating a divorced man...?

[ashanti22]

I beg your pardon... But that was horribly rude. You picked out all of the cons in my post (some even twisted out of context), and then implied that I was stating them in his DEFENSE? No, friend, I acknowledge that he was once a horrible, horrible husband. However to ME, has been an excellent boyfriend. My fear is that the excellence would fade, not that it was feigned.

And what makes you think I was a 'crotch' when he has been faithful to me for a year, we now live together and are committed to one another? You're right -- I did find out the truth of their marriage -- 4 months after knowing him and 3 months after dating him. By then it was over, whether I stepped out of the situation or not.

I came her for advice, counseling and empathy. I am a genuine person, a nice person with feelings and aforementioned regret for his ex-wife who, initially, I didn't even know existed! So please, don't berate me, not when I'm trying to ask for help. Even though I was able to outline the majority of our relationship, I cannot possibly divulge the entire dynamic to you. You, on the other hand, cannot seem to break free of the preconceived notion of the "other woman." You're reply buys into a stereotype that simply does not correlate with my relationship, and it was in extremely poor taste to kick someone who's already feeling a bit down. Congratulations on being a complete asshole.

[lahnnabell]

How do you know that he's been faithful to you? His wife obviously didn't know about you or any of these other women for quite some time.

[IndiReloaded]

Congratulations on being a complete asshole.

LOL. You also lack a sense of irony. I'm not the one who stole another woman's husband. But whatever makes you feel better. The fact you 'didn't know' doesn't absolve you of responsibility. You still chose to stay with someone who DID know. I also don't believe you didn't know b/c your post says otherwise. Perhaps you were ignorant initially, but you admit to knowing later they were still living together.

But, whatever. You think that after only a few months that you won't end up like they did *8 years* later. Ignorance is bliss. I don't care if you are offended. You came to this forum for honest answers, not to hear only what you want to hear.

My fear is that the excellence would fade,

Yes, and so you should be. As Lahnna also said, no doubt he started out this way with his ex-wife as well.

You're reply buys into a stereotype that simply does not correlate with my relationship,

No, I'm not buying into a stereotype at all. I'm making conclusions based solely on your post. You are engaging in willful blindness, not I.

[lovefool87]

Okay.... My current bf is also divorced but he never cheated on her. He initiated the divorce from her when she was getting into heavy drugs and alcohol (not to mention sleeping with her dealer). This all happened about a year before he met me, and although there were still a few loose ends (she got the couch in the divorce) I feel very confident in our relationship.

I understand your wedding issue though. My boyfriend grew up VERY religious and he is the first born in his family so his wedding was HUGE. His parents live in a small town and the whole town shut down for his marriage (im being serious) and since she is a florist, they had exotic flowers flown in from South America. His aunt is a cake decorator so they had an extremely expensive cake and everything.

This sucks for me as I have never been a believer of huge weddings (why not put the money towards rent or a new car if you need it?) But I have this underlying feeling that I have to outdo his first wedding to make it more memorable. Although he never speaks of her too fondly, he speaks extremely highly of their nuptials.

I always thought my husband would only have ever been married to me (i'm only 23!) but you don't choose who you love!

Otherwise, I think you are in a horrible, "not ideal" situation. I would never continue to date anyone who was still married REGARDLESS of what he says. Get some self-esteem!

[xxazurexx]

sometimes cheating turns into a new relationship.

WOW.....so it's ok to cheat then?

[xxazurexx]

I'm not the one who stole another woman's husband....

I often wonder why anyone bothers to reply to these LOWLIFES.

[xxazurexx]

Congratulations on being a complete asshole.

I think the honour of 'asshole' goes to you personally...lmfao

[IndiReloaded]

WOW.....so it's ok to cheat then?

I'm pretty sure Dig was being facetious, based on her other post re: cheating with 'almost anyone' or 'someone special' . It made me LOL.

[IndiReloaded]

I think the honour of 'asshole' goes to you personally...lmfao

Its a troll, I'm certain of it. The whole 'owch' thing. If not, then I feel sorry for her... the ex-wife is clearly the winner in this whole transaction. Guys like this aren't to be thought of anymore than the turd one flushes down the toilet.

[ecojeanne]

how good can your relationship have been? i'm confused really because you did say it was a strain on everyone the fact that he was living with her and divorcing her. i hate to say this but he totally used you. he decieved you at the beginning which is how all these affairs begin. 4 months is a long time to suddenly find out so yes emotions and connection would have been made at this point making it difficult to let go considering the divorce was a definite.

i don't know how you continued to trust him tho. if i had really cared about a guy and after 4 months i found he had done this to me and his wife i would have (no matter how much i had invested emotionally) broken it off. you've now invited more drama into your life than was needed. i don;t believe he loves you...he said to his wife that he was leaving her for you after just 4 months of him cheating. how can you ever have thought his wife would let go after 8 years? i feel very sorry for you because this will not end well. however i do disagree with 'the other woman' comments because it's unfair to brush you with that in this case.

people always go mad at the 'the other woman' its pathetic. it's the married person who is always at fault because they lie from the beginning and dupe people into falling in love with them. i don't agree that it's as black and white as some think

there is no way you can trust him ever. break up

[VincenzoG91]

The misleading thread title suggests a bit of self-delusion on your part. The issue isn't that he's divorced, because there are plenty of divorced guys who don't have issues like his. A more accurate thread title would have been:

"How to cope with dating a flagrant, cheating womanizer...?"

Then we could have more easily gotten to the core issue, and suggested that you leave the cheater before he cheats on you.

[Raze]

I beg your pardon... But that was horribly rude. You picked out all of the cons in my post (some even twisted out of context), and then implied that I was stating them in his DEFENSE? No, friend, I acknowledge that he was once a horrible, horrible husband.

All of the sentences Indi picked out of your post were red flags. You need to look up a list of all the red flags when going after guys. The scary thing is that he nearly has all of the red flags if not all. You are delusional. If you really believe that he will make a good husband, you need help... fast! We aren't trying to be assholes. We are trying to help you before you screw up your life, stupid. Get tougher skin and listen to what we are telling you. I've learned from my time being here that you will not always hear what you want to hear. Some of what people will make you angry, but the truth hurts and it takes an outside point of view for people to get the point. You are blinded by love, it's okay... relax!

However to ME, has been an excellent boyfriend. My fear is that the excellence would fade, not that it was feigned.

Your relationship was doomed from the start I'm afraid. You are blinded by love. That is why we are having our own intervention. Your fears are justified and you were right for posting here. Unfortunately, he is probably lying to you. A lot of people here have had similar experiences, and they do not want you to go through it.

And what makes you think I was a 'crotch' when he has been faithful to me for a year, we now live together and are committed to one another? You're right -- I did find out the truth of their marriage -- 4 months after knowing him and 3 months after dating him. By then it was over, whether I stepped out of the situation or not.

I'm pretty sure he hasn't been faithful to you. How much do you want a bet that he is drinking when you don't notice it? How sure are you that he's still not getting drunk and not womanizing? Hmmmm..? Are you around him 24/7?

I came her for advice, counseling and empathy. I am a genuine person, a nice person with feelings and aforementioned regret for his ex-wife who, initially, I didn't even know existed! So please, don't berate me, not when I'm trying to ask for help. Even though I was able to outline the majority of our relationship, I cannot possibly divulge the entire dynamic to you. You, on the other hand, cannot seem to break free of the preconceived notion of the "other woman." You're reply buys into a stereotype that simply does not correlate with my relationship, and it was in extremely poor taste to kick someone who's already feeling a bit down. Congratulations on being a complete asshole.

Indi wasn't being an asshole. You are being the asshole for getting so upset over what Indi posted. We are trying to tell you that you need to get out fast. You are really blinded by love that you aren't seeing these things. It's not a stereotype, it's the truth. You are in a bad relationship. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF IT NOW!

[Gigabitch]

This is a red flag parade that could be seen from the face of the moon.

This man is incapable of making a commitment. He's not equipped, emotionally, to be able to do this. Are you aware that people just going into AA are not supposed to be getting into relationships for at least a year? Maybe you should do a little research about that.

I think you're digging yourself into a hole that 's going to be very difficult to get out of. You're building a castle on sand. Maybe you are just deluding yourself or maybe you're incredibly self-destructive, but the very idea of marrying this man and having children with him is pure insanity. Don not do this.