Broken Hearted and Confused

[bicycleca]

Hello,

Several months ago my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years ended her and my relationship. It was my first truly committed relationship, as it was hers. She cited several reasons for her desire to split. First and foremost were our emotional incompatibilities. I'm very easy going and she is not. Me being laid back, however, caused me to be less than attentive to her needs. She constantly expressed to me her desire for me to get her flowers without her asking, or for me to make more of an effort in trying to determine what she needs without her having to tell me. When she would tell me these things, while I meant well, I tended to discard them as emotional volatility. To make things worse, the things I did put a great deal of effort into were school and work. Time and time again I would study and/or work late in place of spending time with her, even after she would call and more or less plead with me to spend time with her. This obsession with my studies and profession would also constantly get in the way of our intimacy.

As she would express her concerns to me, I would acknowledge them outwardly, and commit to myself and to her to do better, but I never really changed. I loved her tremendously, and she loved me just as much, and she showed a great deal of faith in me time and time again in hopes that I would make good on my commitments to be better on these fronts. Eventually she became fed up and broke up with me. i can't blame her. And in retrospect, she deserved much better than me. She deserved someone who would give her what she desired. She didn't ask for much. Just an emotionally attentive partner.

Further, when we first got together I had some self-esteem issues. This lead to several mistruths in order to boost/protect my self-esteem. While I have been totally and utterly honest with her over the last several years, she still admittedly has a very difficult time taking me at my word. Every now and then during an argument she would say something along the lines of, "how can a man who lies to me be the best man for me?"

For several months after the breakup we would see each other off and on, even while she was seeing other people. She really, truly loved me and wanted us to work. Again I failed to meet her expectations. Eventually she left for good.

It's been nearly a month now since I last saw her, and while I don't want to hold her back, I can't help but think she still believes in us. In fact, the last time I saw her she lamented that "this time last year I thought that by next year I'd be engaged." This was another front that I absolutely dropped the ball on and totally regret. While reflecting on the ways I mistreated her, I am truly disgusted at myself for hurting her the way I did. It's true that you don't really know what you have until it's gone. If given another opportunity I know that I've grown enough to properly attend to her emotional needs, I'm just unsure whether she will can/should ever give me another chance after all my blown opportunities, or whether she holds too much resentment for that ever to occur.

I'm now attaining what I want professionally. I have a great job that pays very well, and I'm climbing the corporate ladder. But I'm not happy. Yes I could probably go out and date other women, but I still love her to death. I'm unsure what to do and how to proceed. I'm still fiercely loyal to her. While her and I were together I never so much as looked at another woman. She was my life. I would love to some day marry her and have children with her. I don't want to hang on to something that's not there, but I don't want to move forward if there may indeed still be something, and my instinct tells me she still caries some hope for her and I.

I'd like to hear others thoughts on this. Please. Thank you.

[lovefool87]

Well, sorry to be blunt but... you screwed up BIG TIME. The only reason you want her is because you think you can't have her and if she gives you another chance you will, once again, let her down. Leave the poor girl alone! Obviously you have communication issues that you need to work out before persuing ANY type of future relationship. She is smart to have broken up with you. You have good priorities and a good personality for someone who can be CEO of a corporation but goes home to an empty mansion.

[bicycleca]

Lovefool,

The empty mansion syndrome is a trait I see present in nearly all of my colleagues. And my colleagues that do have a wife at home spend very little time with them, and are perfectly happy doing so. This was something I really hadn't put much thought into, and I certainly should have--it would have saved our relationship. I was blindly focused on achieving and attaining. I clouded my raw ambition in a more benign veil of being the breadwinner for our future family so that my wife would not have to work and have a "great" life. What I didn't permit to sink in was that all she wanted was a husband who was there for her, and I was totally vacant.

The more I work, the less I value my attainments. I don't want a life like my colleagues. I would gladly quit and take a less demanding job if it allowed me to spend more time with my love. While I certainly won't lie and say that my priorities are perfectly in line with hers now, I do understand better her desires. I want to be attentive to her needs, beyond purely financial. She was very, very good to me, and I think I'm far more ready than before to reciprocate.

I definitely have emotional communication issues. There's no question. It is something I will have to work through. There may indeed also be a component of me only wanting her because I can't have her. I didn't appreciate her while I had her, and now that I don't have her I realize how absolutely fantastic she was to me. She was an angel. What I don't agree with is that I'll regress back to my old ways if I got back with her. Yes, there may be a bit of that, but my priorities are permanently shifted. I want a family with her, and I no longer care if that comes at the expensive of becoming a corporate executive.

I realize that she is under no obligation to give me ANOTHER chance, as I've squandered so many in the past, but I certainly hope she'll be open to it eventually.

[IncognitoSir]

Lovefool,

The empty mansion syndrome is a trait I see present in nearly all of my colleagues. And my colleagues that do have a wife at home spend very little time with them, and are perfectly happy doing so. This was something I really hadn't put much thought into, and I certainly should have--it would have saved our relationship. I was blindly focused on achieving and attaining. I clouded my raw ambition in a more benign veil of being the breadwinner for our future family so that my wife would not have to work and have a "great" life. What I didn't permit to sink in was that all she wanted was a husband who was there for her, and I was totally vacant.

The more I work, the less I value my attainments. I don't want a life like my colleagues. I would gladly quit and take a less demanding job if it allowed me to spend more time with my love. While I certainly won't lie and say that my priorities are perfectly in line with hers now, I do understand better her desires. I want to be attentive to her needs, beyond purely financial. She was very, very good to me, and I think I'm far more ready than before to reciprocate.

I definitely have emotional communication issues. There's no question. It is something I will have to work through. There may indeed also be a component of me only wanting her because I can't have her. I didn't appreciate her while I had her, and now that I don't have her I realize how absolutely fantastic she was to me. She was an angel. What I don't agree with is that I'll regress back to my old ways if I got back with her. Yes, there may be a bit of that, but my priorities are permanently shifted. I want a family with her, and I no longer care if that comes at the expensive of becoming a corporate executive.

I realize that she is under no obligation to give me ANOTHER chance, as I've squandered so many in the past, but I certainly hope she'll be open to it eventually.

Sounds like you are truly realizing what you have lost, and discovering what REALLY makes you happy in life. Make the effort to change and who knows, she may give you another chance. I wouldnt tell you to give up on a 3 1/2 year relationship but let her know you're working on yourself and try to keep in touch. Seems like you're on the right path though.

[masimo]

Tell her exactly what you just told us.

I honestly believe that you should tell her as you have nothing to lose, don't have this regret in you.

Before you do, be confident that you CAN actually CHANGE and show her the love and attention this woman truly deserves.

If you can change, go for it before its too late...and show her the change in you.

[cmacattack1]

I've always been a very avid believer that coming to somebody and saying "I've changed, look at me" just proves that you haven't changed at all. If you have changed, you wouldn't really feel the need to jump up and down and say "Look at me! Look at how much I've changed!" I think it would be noticeable to anybody that knew you well if you really did change. And who knows you better than your ex girlfriend of 3 and a half years (which you probably knew for longer)?

You seem to be a very intelligent person and I have a feeling that what you are saying is genuine. You were caught up in that cycle of breaking up and getting back together, completely blinded to satisfying her needs, because you just wanted to satisfy your own: having her in your life. And that's why nothing changed, and it took really losing her and that feeling that comes with the realization of losing somebody for good to really get to the root of the problem. Which is you and what you needed to do to be mentally focused on providing for somebody you care about.

I can't begin to explain the similarities I feel to your story with my last ex. She wanted me to be spontaneous, to send her flowers (which I never did once), wanted to feel connected to me and the feeling of growing together towards something special. Which I dropped the ball on. Because when you aren't growing together, you are just stagnating. Love is alot of work, and above anything else, you have to be a consistent boyfriend. You might get a couple free passes if you have a stressful week at work or something comes up, but you have to ultimately keep yourself focused and keep yourself working towards something with her because those goof ups always add up and when things get bad, you better believe she won't just forget about them.

I think maybe part of your problem is that you simply don't know how to treat a girl. I know it sounds outrageous and ridiculous, I think we all think we have some idea of what a boyfriend is SUPPOSED to do. There is a huge difference though. I would be the first to admit I didn't know how, and I have plenty of issues in my life to back it up, but at the end of the day they are just reasons, and not excuses. And I think you have some idea now.

Keep in mind it's only really been a month and not much time has passed. I mentioned I believe in your sincerity but I find it hard to believe you have come very far. It takes some time and it takes some work on your part to make your every day life the life of a changed person. You know what you need to do to be a better boyfriend, but you could also be a better friend, son, brother, uncle, etc. Focus more so on those and as time passes I think you will feel better and better about your progress. You said it yourself you have some issues to work on, and you shouldn't be "working on them" while trying to redeem yourself with her. If you guys ever were to be together in the future, you don't want to be working on yourself, you want to be ready to go. A fresh start if you will with a whole new person, not a work in progress.

I know it's scary because every day you feel like you can lose her. And I'm not going to lie to you, you very well might lose her. There isn't really much you can do about how she feels, but you certainly can use this time as an opportunity to improve yourself. If she were to ever give you a second look in the future, you want to be ready. I wouldn't try too hard to keep in contact with her, but if she is keeping in contact with you, it's clearly important to reciprocate. You say you are fiercely loyal to her and love her to death, but keep in mind she also isn't the only one for you in this world. Use your options, and don't think for a second she isn't exercising hers. You might meet somebody else you don't have such a tumultuous history with and have that fresh start you are craving. But most importantly, it's putting your progress to the test. Because you will never really know how much you have changed until you are able to put your words and thoughts into action.

Just because you are dating somebody else (because she has already) doesn't mean you guys are doomed for good either. It would demonstrate your change to her and could be very impressive. You've already lost her, it's not like you are screwing things up any worse realistically. Not to mention it would help to pass the time which I'm sure is excruciatingly passing by right now.

I hope I've helped. Good luck with everything and I would be happy to talk more if you wanted to.