I need advice this is a big one!

[lostlars]

Hi guys,

Its been awhile. I will make this story as short and sweet as possible. Last time I was on this site I was on the broken heart forum. I have since dated several people but then I met my current BF in April. I like him so much. We have amazing sexual chemistry, we have a blast together, he treats me with respect and is so sweet. He is the nicest guy I have ever dated and he treats me wonderfully and I have complete trust in him. There is one HUGE problem. On our second date he told me he was having a child with another woman and she is due in September. He told me he will never get back with her and will have nothing to do with her but he will be there for his son.

I knew this was the situation going into this relationship. Dumb me proceeded anyway. I figured he was great and I would just date him for the summer and enjoy our time together and it would help me overcome my past issues. Well I fell for him. The due date came early, as in today. So now what? Things will be so different. He sees us together forever and is so scared of me leaving him. I told him I needed time alone to think and figure this out so here I am at 2am on the computer. I am not ready to be a mother nor do I want to be. He says he'd never ask me to be. I also worry he will want the family together at some point and break my heart. I let myself get into this to deep. If a child wasnt in the picture I would be so happy and could totally see us having a long happy relationship. My feelings now are so strong I am going to be very hurt if I end things. I really don't know what to do...any help would be appreciated

[nerdy_guy]

What you do today will probably burn your butt tomorrow. Didn't mommy ever told you not to play with matches?

I think its better if you moved on. If you keep this up, you'd probably be hurting a lot more people in the end. If you end this now, atleast damage control wouldn't be that difficult. You'll also save yourself a lot of pain.

[kitkitkitty]

why did he leave the mother of his soon-to-be child anyway? if he's gona be consistantly THAT nice to you, surely they'd still be together?

[lostlars]

The babays mother is an older woman whom he dated for about 6 months. She lied about being on birth control. He broke up with her before he knew she was pregnant. In my eyes she purposely did it and trapped him. She lied about being on the pill, and she desperately wanted another baby before 40. She also told him she thought when she broke the news he would take her back. He of course did not and said he would be there for the baby and not for her. He is very upset by the whole thing and doesnt know what to do. They broke it off in January, she told him she was pregnant in February and we met in April. He told me right away as he didnt want any secrets betwee us. Im just so lost and coonfused about what to do

[IncognitoSir]

What you do today will probably burn your butt tomorrow. Didn't mommy ever told you not to play with matches?

I think its better if you moved on. If you keep this up, you'd probably be hurting a lot more people in the end. If you end this now, atleast damage control wouldn't be that difficult. You'll also save yourself a lot of pain.

Way off target guy. She's just a bit overwhelmed now that reality has arrived.

why did he leave the mother of his soon-to-be child anyway? if he's gona be consistantly THAT nice to you, surely they'd still be together?

Because, especially now-a-days it doesnt work out, happens ALL the time.


Dont pass on a guy who makes you happy just because he has a kid now. Why dont you give it a chance and see if he does keep his word, afterall he has been great up to now right? Seems like a great guy who now has some more responsibility but still wants you in his life. I think you're freaked out because of the kid. Just because you're dating doest mean you're the new mommy. The kid is HIS responsibility and I'm sure he realizes this.

[IncognitoSir]

The babays mother is an older woman whom he dated for about 6 months. She lied about being on birth control. He broke up with her before he knew she was pregnant. In my eyes she purposely did it and trapped him. She lied about being on the pill, and she desperately wanted another baby before 40. She also told him she thought when she broke the news he would take her back. He of course did not and said he would be there for the baby and not for her. He is very upset by the whole thing and doesnt know what to do. They broke it off in January, she told him she was pregnant in February and we met in April. He told me right away as he didnt want any secrets betwee us. Im just so lost and coonfused about what to do

All signs point to this guy being a KEEPER. He's been str8 with you since day one. By all means if this is a dealbreaker for you then yeah, end it, but you have been going along with it all this time right? Maybe it's me, but he sounds like a keeper.

[nerdy_guy]

The babays mother is an older woman whom he dated for about 6 months. She lied about being on birth control. He broke up with her before he knew she was pregnant. In my eyes she purposely did it and trapped him. She lied about being on the pill, and she desperately wanted another baby before 40. She also told him she thought when she broke the news he would take her back. He of course did not and said he would be there for the baby and not for her. He is very upset by the whole thing and doesnt know what to do. They broke it off in January, she told him she was pregnant in February and we met in April. He told me right away as he didnt want any secrets betwee us. Im just so lost and coonfused about what to do

IncognitoSir is right, the guy is a good guy. The question right now is that, would you want to get mixed up in this mess. If she's THAT manipulative, who knows she'll be a bunny boiler the next time? You already knew this based on your OP. That was my point.

He is okay with you, but consider this:
1. Is he gonna stand up for you with regards to this person?
2. There's gonna be a lot of interference coming from that woman, should he take the kid and be with you, are you prepped to deal with her?

[SapphireBerry]

I am not ready to be a mother nor do I want to be.

Who said that you had to be a mother ? This is her baby not yours.
It sounds like you DID get yourself in quite deep & this idea would work if you/him and the mother of the baby considered it: maybe he could go and visit his son occassionally and
take him out and stuff. I used to get shared between my mother and father (except now I live in another country far away from my dad/and not really 'shared' you know what I mean).
If you are getting into a relationship where a child is involved then there should be no problem whether the mother or father has custody, I think though by the sounds of it you would
feel more comfortable if the mother had custody and your partner went every weekend to visit and eventually when the son is old enough he could pick him up and spend some time
with him, all you have to do is be respectful and you'll only be acting as a caregiver if he was looking after his son part time. But down to the point, if he wants to see his son you should
not feel offended by this I'm sure if he loves you enough he will be going to see his son and not her. It's a very complicated situation especially when the baby was born around the
time you came into the picture. If you feel so pressured with a child in the picture whether full time or part time then this really isn't your relationship to have, but just think about how
he would feel if you left him because of this, I think you need to accept the fact that it is his child and that his feelings for his ex are in the past. Are you planning on having children in
your life ever? Because if you can't handle his child involved in this situation it sounds like your own children would drive you mad because you wouldn't get a break or 'be happy'. Also
consider this, Do you love him enough to make big sacrifices for him? Or are you just confused as to how you really feel, maybe you just feel a little connection to him that would
fade after a while. You are making a big decision staying with him or leaving him quite frankly. If you are to stay with him then you are going to be partially in the child's life as well as his.
You need to talk about custody of the child and confirm what is going to happen before you make the commitment or end the relationship. Alot of blabbing and partial advice but I hope
it helps.

Sapphire x

[Indignant]

Hi guys,

Its been awhile. I will make this story as short and sweet as possible. Last time I was on this site I was on the broken heart forum. I have since dated several people but then I met my current BF in April. I like him so much. We have amazing sexual chemistry, we have a blast together, he treats me with respect and is so sweet. He is the nicest guy I have ever dated and he treats me wonderfully and I have complete trust in him. There is one HUGE problem. On our second date he told me he was having a child with another woman and she is due in September. He told me he will never get back with her and will have nothing to do with her but he will be there for his son.

I knew this was the situation going into this relationship. Dumb me proceeded anyway. I figured he was great and I would just date him for the summer and enjoy our time together and it would help me overcome my past issues. Well I fell for him. The due date came early, as in today. So now what? Things will be so different. He sees us together forever and is so scared of me leaving him. I told him I needed time alone to think and figure this out so here I am at 2am on the computer. I am not ready to be a mother nor do I want to be. He says he'd never ask me to be. I also worry he will want the family together at some point and break my heart. I let myself get into this to deep. If a child wasnt in the picture I would be so happy and could totally see us having a long happy relationship. My feelings now are so strong I am going to be very hurt if I end things. I really don't know what to do...any help would be appreciated

how old is the older woman?

[lostlars]

The baby's mother is 41 years old. Him and I are both 27. Thanks for the imput everyone. I think I am just confused because I don't know if I love him. I do know I care an awful lot about him. I haven't decided if I want kids but I have always said no my whole life. I don't know why this is so hard for me but it is. I know his feelings for her are gone and I really trust him as far as meeting her to see his child. I just don't know if I am ready to get involved in this. Its a huge change and a huge step and not even my own child. He is very upset that I have stayed away from him for a few days now. I dont even really know why I have been. I just need to make the decision. I am leaning towards staying with him and just seeing how it goes? Is that cruel and leading him on though? Aye caramba.

[kitkitkitty]

well in your situation it will have been hard to fall in love with him properly so i don't think that's a bad thing. of course you're going to find it hard. it seems that you've put quite a lot on hold so i wouldn't say you're leading him on, but tell him this if you're worried that he thinks this. if you decide to stay with him, i think this will make you both stronger. try not to think about it so much for a coupla days, you may find that things sort themselves out on their own somewhat. go out with mates, go out for dinner with them have fun... have you talked to your friends about this? they may have a very different view to the others that you've heard.

[IncognitoSir]

The baby's mother is 41 years old. Him and I are both 27. Thanks for the imput everyone. I think I am just confused because I don't know if I love him. I do know I care an awful lot about him. I haven't decided if I want kids but I have always said no my whole life. I don't know why this is so hard for me but it is. I know his feelings for her are gone and I really trust him as far as meeting her to see his child. I just don't know if I am ready to get involved in this. Its a huge change and a huge step and not even my own child. He is very upset that I have stayed away from him for a few days now. I dont even really know why I have been. I just need to make the decision. I am leaning towards staying with him and just seeing how it goes? Is that cruel and leading him on though? Aye caramba.

first off, I cant believe you just said 'aye caramba', WOW. Anyways, you HAVE been leading him on about how "ok" you were with his kid and when the kid got here, you freaked on him. I can understand his frustration with you. You need to figure out what you want, after that it should all be easy decision making.

[Raze]

Too much drama, mama!

[lostlars]

It is not that I have been already leading him on. A few months back we had a conversation about the baby. I told him straight up that I may not be able to handle it when the baby arrives. I even suggested us breaking up then and for him to call me a few months after the baby is here if he was still thinking about me. I told him to take time and figure out with the mother what he wanted to do. He didn't want to do that though, or break up. So we stuck it through and grew closer and closer. I am really mad at myself for this. It would be different if he already had a child but this is like a whole different issue. Maybe he will change his mind and want to be a family with the woman now that the kids here. Or a full-time dad. I should have taken a break months ago I just havent felt a connection with a guy this strong in years. Normally that news would be an immediate deal-breaker yet I could never stop seeing him. I hate that woman too because of how she manipulated him. I just fear if I stay with him Im entering into a whole world of baby mama drama.

[SapphireBerry]

Maybe he will change his mind and want to be a family with the woman now that the kids here.

If he decides to get with the mother then that is really unfair to you, and a bad idea because why did he leave her in the first place? Obviously because she didn't make him happy, what makes him thinks its 'definitely' gonna work out the second time around. Also he seems happy with you and whatever the situation you both have to be adults about this and not let anything get in the way of your love for each others. We all have to make sacrifices sometime, the baby may not be such an issue if its mainly the mothers responsibility to take care of it.