He's moving away...

[Panderfly]

Okay, I guess I'm just kind of going to vent now...

He's leaving.
He's moving to Lynnwood.
I know it's not all that far away, but at the same time it's on the the other side of the universe.
I mean, it's not as far as Yakima, but still. Lynnwood's not here. He's not going to be here with me.

And it hurts especially bad. He knows what I went through with my ex. Although he's a better person than Dann, and he's treated me far better than anyone else ever has, I still can't help but feel abandoned and betrayed. I know his decision to move there had nothing to do with me, but I'm his girlfriend. Shouldn't my feelings count? Shouldn't I be at least a small reason to stay? He says he loves me, but how can he if he's not willing to try for me?
-sigh-
Wow. I sounded so self centered just now. I know I'm not all that important. But I just wished that for once, someones life would be better because I'm in it. That someone would go out of their way for me, and try their hardest to be with me. That I would be important to someone who wasn't a blood relative.
Obviously, I have abandoment issues. I always have. That's why I tried so hard not to get emotionaly attatched to him. (Yes, I kow it's incredibly stupid, seeing as he's my boyfriend.) I just didn't want to get my heart broken again. I knew from the beginning that I would never be much of anything in his eyes, so why did I let myself fall in love with him? We were great friends... But somewhere along the line, I started to see him as much more.
He's been there for me and helped me through so much, and I'm terrified of losing him. Long distance relationships never really work out. They end in paranoia, jealousy, and pain. I don't want another "shadow" of a boyfriend. I don't want to end up waiting by the phone night after night, just to know that I'm not alone. I don't want to cry myself to sleep each night, remembering when he used to hold me and stroke my hair, when he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. I don't want to cling to a shadow of what we had, patheticaly hoping for things to go back to he way they were. And I just know that's what I'll end up doing. I hate myself for it, but at the same time, it's all I have.
I want him to stay with me. I want him to be here for me, to hold me when I cry and wipe away my tears. I want to be able to talk to him like I used to. I could tell him anything. He's the only person I've ever been able to truly be myself around. But now... How can I be myself around someone who's not, well, around?
Why didn't it make any difference when I told him how I felt? He just said "I'm willing to be with you even though I'm in Lynnwood. That is love." No. Love is trying your hardest to be with that person. Love is being there for them, and doing anything to make them smile. Love is not leaving them, and moving away if you have the option of staying. Love is not causing that person so much pain...
And he's not going to be going to the same school anymore (obviously). It's hard to imagine LSHS without him.
DAMN IT! How do I do this? I can't deal with this. I wasn't prepared to lose him so soon. I tried so hard for him, tried so hard to help him find a place here. But no! No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. My love isn't enough for him. My tears don't even faze him. He doesn't seem at all sad to be leaving me behind. He doesn't care how much pain I'm in or how much I miss him. It just doesn't matter.
He says he'll visit often. But I know how that'll work. He'll visit maybe every weekend or so, but then it'll be less and less. He'll be to tired, or to busy to come and see me. He'll get a job and then I'll never see him.

...

I know I'm being stupid. I know I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. I know I'm being way too emotional. But... I love him. I really do. And it hurts to be seperated from the person you love. So, isn't it natural for me to be upset?
God, the way I've put everything, I've made it sound like he's a horrible person. But that's so far off. He's an great person and an amazing boyfriend. He's treated me better than anyone else ever has, and he genuinely seems to care what I have to say. I was only bitch ranting earlier. I'm just so hurt and a little angry at him for leaving me behind. But mainly, I'm scared. I'm terrified that this will put way too much of a strain on our relationship and I'll lose him completely.
-sigh-
And I'm afraid his roomate will make me even more paranoid...

But, I guess whatever happens happens. I'll enjoy whatever time we have together for as long as I can, and cherish all the good memories I have with him. But, if I have to let him go, I will. I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. His happiness is the most important thing to me, and I'd do anything to make it happen.
So... I guess I've gone on long enough. If you've actually read this (whoever you are), thank you for taking the time out, and I'm sorry for all the nonsense.

[lahnnabell]

How long have you been together?

And did he have plans to move before he met you?

[kitkitkitty]

im thinking you've only just recently found out about this? of course you're gona be emotional. im in the middle of something not necessarily similar but just as hard to deal with atm. its been 2 weeks since it all started and it's taken me the best part of 1 1/2 weeks to really compose my and think logically. ive been through the frustration, being really upset, being pretty angry and now it's numbing. im still thinking but processing everything a lot slower because im thinking more rationally. give it time, you may still feel the same but you'll start seeing things from other points of view that make just as much sense. then you need to accept. it's hard but possible.

[Panderfly]

We've been together just over a year.
So, no, this was relatively new, but the moving AWAY is what came out of nowhere a couple days ago...

[kitkitkitty]

wow a coupla days ago? why is he moving? how old are you both?

[lahnnabell]

I think a year of dating definitely warrants a boyfriend-girlfriend discussion. And the fact that he's suddenly up and leaving? You need to sit this guy down and ask him why he never thought to consider your feelings in this matter at all. To bring it up in such a casual manner, almost as if to say, "Well, I'm off! See ya!" After a year together?! Is he really not that invested?

Don't go soft and not talk about this. He owes you an explanation.

[kitkitkitty]

^^ agreed. maybe if you need to vent [but constructively!] you can write a letter to let everything out. you don't have to give it to him but it means you can get everything out. definitely talk to him face to face. have a bit of liquid courage if you need to but you have to do this or you'll forever be kicking yourself saying 'what if'? it may not mean he doesnt go but you need to find out every detail so you can sleep easy

[lahnnabell]

Another note, you can't flip out about this. You have to remain calm and collected. Men do not like to get emotional and generally have a hard time dealing with others who get emotional. If this guy is as detached as he sounds, he will most likely shut down if you start crying moments into the conversation. Have a list of questions to ask him.

1. When are you planning on leaving?
2. Why are you leaving?
3. Why did you not discuss this with me at all previously?
4. Do I not matter that much to you?

Those are concrete questions that he must provide concrete answers to.

[Panderfly]

Well, to be completely honest, he's actually not like that.
He's one of the few guys that likes to talk with me about his feelings, and wants me to tell him how I feel. He's usually really sweet and sensitive.
I guess the reason I made it seem like that is because I was kind of having a mental breakdown when I wrote it. And, for the first time, it doesn't feel like he cares that I'm upset about it. And he doesn't seem all that upset. Though I'm sure he's not particularly happy. It's just about this one thing that my feelings don't count, and I made a big deal of it because this is important, and kind of involves me too.

Anyway, thank you (well, thank both of you) for taking the time to read all that. And thank you so much for the advice. I'll take it to heart