What to do in this situation - Help/Advice needed!

[Misunderstood]

Hi LoveForum,

I'm going to try and cut to the chase as quickly as possible, but first you need a little back story to fully grasp the situation.

I was going out with a girl a while ago who I met whilst I was travelling. We both hit it off straight away and were completely infatuated with each other. Everything between us was going perfectly, minus a few hiccups along the way, but she used to bring up the fact that I wasn't Christian a lot as a problem. She said she felt like she was "ignoring God's will" by going out with me, but everything remained fine. I'm not strictly a Christian, but I'm not opposed to it, and I used to attend her church with her and even prayed with her quite a few times.

The complicated part is, she was engaged about a month before we got together, but broke it off with him as they'd been rocky for quite a while before I came into the picture. As I said, we were perfectly content with on another and even made plans for her to come work in England for a while whilst we both save to go travelling together.

But one day she went to her brothers graduation which was at the same university her ex-fiance studied at, and she suddenly became over-ridden with emotion about how she missed him, it finally kicked in for the first time since their breakup and I completely understood and supported her through it, but after that it wasn't the same. She grew more distant and seemed to care for me less and less until she finally brought up the religion issue for the last time...

She said "I can't do it anymore, I've tried ignoring it but it just doesn't work, I can't see you anymore because you're not Christian". We both got pretty emotional and talked about it for hours, but almost immediately after that communication came to a complete halt.

I was staying with her friend at her university and only came to America to visit her (she fully knew this before I came, I'd like to point out). This break up came literally a week before I was heading home to England and I was under the impression she would shortly come to England after she graduated a few weeks later, at least that's what the plan was the whole time before this talk.

She started to ignore me after breaking up, and she rarely came round to see me in potentially the last time I'd ever see her again, and if she did come by, it was because I pestered her and she'd only stay for about 5 - 10 minutes claiming she was so busy, yet she had plenty of time to work out.

On the day I left, I made her a collage of photos of our time together and wrote her a big goodbye letter, basically putting closure on everything. I left it with her friend to give to her when I was on the plane home because I didn't think she'd want it.

She messaged me to say how lovely it was, and how she was going to write me back and wanted to stay in touch a lot. But for weeks after leaving I rarely heard from her, and from what I could tell she seemed to be having a good time with friends. She would occasionally message me saying she was thinking of me, or that she missed me, but it just made things harder for me because I really missed her too. However, real communication was non-existant, she'd never ask how I was, or what I was doing or try to strike up a conversation. It'd be a short message saying she missed me or a little anicdote about our time together and that'd be it.

Sorry I've been rambling on and on, I'll get to the point shortly. If you've made it this far then you've got a lot of persistence!

Recently she's wanted to video chat on Skype, and I said that I'd love too. For our first video Skype since I'd be back home, she came online and we chatted for about 50 minutes in total. That was REALLY brief compared to how long we spent chatting online when I first met her in Mexico. It was like old times, laughing with each other, making jokes, being silly and this was terrible for me because it made me miss her even more. She didn't ask a lot about what I was doing with my life now, but she very subtly asked whether I had been with any other girl since I'd been back home, which was a no.

After the conversation she messaged me to say she missed me lots and how cute/funny I am, and she even wanted to Skype again. So we arranged a date and time, but she never showed up. Not only that, but she never messaged me apologising or explaining why. I thought better than to message her asking her why she didn't, my philosophy was (and is) "If she wanted too, then she would!". The strangest thing about all that was days after we were meant to Skype, she writes on a status on my facebook wall. My status was "Inception is actually brilliant. Go see it!" to which she wrote "It actually is?". The reason she wrote that is because she thought the way I said actually in my English accent was cute, but it totally confused me. She clearly missed our Skype chat, didn't message me for days afterwards and then says that? I'm still confused.

She messaged me again after about a week of no contact at all, and I'm finally close to being totally over it, and she said she wanted to Skype, so I agreed expecting her not to show up, but she did. We only chatted for around 20 minutes before she had to go, but things were great again. Laughs, jokes and lots of smiling. This is really hard for me cause it makes me miss her ever so much. Once again, after the chat, she messaged me saying that she really missed me and misses my jokes and general silliness, and she asked me if I wanted to Skype the next day. So, I said yes.

The next day rolls around and shes nowhere to be seen. I send her a message on skype saying "Hola!" but I get no reply. Once again, she creates a date to Skype, but doesn't show up and doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me she's not going to be around or that she can't make it. If she did that, I wouldn't mind, it's when she creates a date and doesn't show up. So I've had about enough of it and I'm back to just not messaging her whatsoever, once again, days later she messages me saying "Hello Eddie!"

First question is, why is she messaging me telling me she misses me and then doesn't want to properly chat? Or if she does arrange a chat, she doesn't turn up and simply ignores me for a while? Any ideas what's going on in her mind because I'm totally clueless at this point.

Secondly, what do I do? I'm pretty sure I should ignore her, but then I wonder if I'm just being petty and playing her own game. I'm not the kind of person to just totally ignore someone, and I'm desperate to just ask her "Why do you arrange to Skype and then not show up?" but then I figure what's the use and I remember that if she wanted to, then she just would.

What's the right course of action to take? Ignore her even if she tries to contact me, or something completely different?

If anyone has even a vague idea why she goes from wanting to talk to me, to suddenly ignoring me again, then I'd love to hear what you have to say because I really have no idea why she's doing that.

Thanks to everyone who even manages to read this mammoth essay, all comments, help and advice are truly appreciated! Thank you!

[Gigabitch]

She jerks you around because she can. There are no consequences to her inconsiderate actions. If you want her to stop treating you like the Plan B guy, you have to stand up for yourself. This could result in her treating you much better or her disappearing.

In my opinion, either is better than what's going on now.

[Misunderstood]

She jerks you around because she can. There are no consequences to her inconsiderate actions. If you want her to stop treating you like the Plan B guy, you have to stand up for yourself. This could result in her treating you much better or her disappearing.

In my opinion, either is better than what's going on now.

Yeah, that makes sense. With that in mind, what do you think the best course of action would be? And why does she go from ignoring me, to talking to me?

[Gigabitch]

She talks to you when she's not getting attention from anyone else. She ignores you when she's got other things going on. You are very low on her list of priorities.

I think you should ask yourself exactly how much of this you're willing to take and when you can't take any more, cut her off. Tell her calmly that you have better things to do than wait around for her to show up on Skype and that where you come from, standing someone up twice is considered to be very rude.

[kitkitkitty]

like Giga said...it really is just cos she can. she seems to be playing around with your emotions and it's not fair on you. don't message her and see what happens. it says something that you were almost over her which makes her also sound insensitive

[Misunderstood]

like Giga said...it really is just cos she can. she seems to be playing around with your emotions and it's not fair on you. don't message her and see what happens. it says something that you were almost over her which makes her also sound insensitive

Thanks for your help guys. Okay, so now I have 2 options it seems... I send her this message that I just wrote, or I ignore her. Which do you think would be better? I think the ignoring her could be interesting as I've never done that before so I'm not sure what the result would be.

Anyway, heres the message I just typed up...

"Why didn't you come on Skype the other day? You arranged a date and time and then once again you don't show up. No apology, no explanation. Nothing. That's no way to treat a friend and I've had enough of it.

If you don't want to Skype or chat, then don't arrange it all and leave me sitting there like an idiot whilst you swan off and do other things without even having the courtesy to even message me saying you won't be around.

If this is what it's going to continually be like then to be quite honest, I'd rather not hear from you at all because you're not being a friend, and you're certainly not treating me like a friend. You're treating me like some toy that you pick up and play with whenever it's convenient for you."

Is there anything I should add, or leave out? Does it sound okay and clear? I have a feeling she might take it to mean something like I'm not getting enough attention from her so I want it to be clear if I do end up sending it.

Thanks for your help guys, it is truly appreciated!

[Gigabitch]

It's perfect.

[kitkitkitty]

go for it. and i wana hear what she's gotta say for herself too.

[Misunderstood]

go for it. and i wana hear what she's gotta say for herself too.

Okay, I just sent her the message. I'll post her response as soon as I hear back from her which could potentially be never, but if she does then it'll go up here pretty quick.

Thanks again Giga and Kitty!

[kitkitkitty]

you're welcome. yay we made a difference!

[Misunderstood]

you're welcome. yay we made a difference!

Definitely, lets just see how things go. I guess Giga's right, either her treating me better or not speaking to me at all is better than what's happening right now. Thanks for being my gurus! Haha.

[Misunderstood]

Okay so I got a reply from her today, it read: -

Ok. Im sorry I missed the chat--no need to explain now. Sorry again. Ill stop messing you around and maybe ill talk to you again sometime in the future. Hope you are good. Have a good rest of the summer Edd. Bye.

[kitkitkitty]

....well duh you need an explaination, that was a huge part of it! it's almost like she wants you to question all this. must've been a pretty rubbish excuse then. just leave it and maybe she'll 'talk to you again sometime in the future'. good luck

[Misunderstood]

....well duh you need an explaination, that was a huge part of it! it's almost like she wants you to question all this. must've been a pretty rubbish excuse then. just leave it and maybe she'll 'talk to you again sometime in the future'. good luck

It came across more like she couldn't even explain it because it was probably a crappy excuse. And my thinking is that she clearly doesn't care otherwise you wouldn't want to lose that person right? But what baffles me more is she's like "Maybe I'll talk to you again in the future" again, whenever it's convenient for her.

I have a good mind to message back and tell her not to bother and for us to go our seperate ways. Good or bad idea?

[lahnnabell]

No, just leave it. Messaging her back is only opening the lines of communication again and she'll message you back because she likes to stir up drama. This will only suck you in again. Just leave it alone. You did everything and said everything you needed to. The bitch needs to get her head on straight. Good job telling her like it is