I'm sorry it's so long but I had to write it all out.
I'm 19, I have never had a girlfriend although I have met tons of girls, great looking girls most of which I get along with, but nothing ever felt right.
3 weeks ago I went to this Halloween event meeting, and it was pouring with rain and I was stood there with no hood or coat dripping wet and she came over and offered me her umbrella, I turned it down but it was the offer that counted.
The thing is she was so beautiful, I couldn't even think straight, anyone else I tell this to just sees her and says she is okay, or yeah shes cute I guess, but to me she looks like a goddess so amazingly beautiful it hurts, So I talked to her every meeting, I found out she was 17, spent some time in Australia growing up, takes Jujitsu lessons, I found out she also takes anti depressant tablets like I do and we both have been for years, I also learned that she used to self harm which I used to but we have both far outgrown doing it.
By this stage I already felt like I was in love with this girl, then I found out she was engaged, to a guy she met when she was 14, the guy who made her happy and stopped her from being so depressed and self harming. I actually think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds, at least that's what it felt like.
But it was to late, I am in love with her I know I am, she obviously doesn't feel the same way, we haven't known each other long enough to be in love, which is why I don't understand why I feel this way, I fell asleep staring at her picture the other night, I just stared into her eyes for hours without moving, and every time I look at her even a picture my stomach fills with butterfly's and my heart feels like its actually breaking knowing that I will most likely never be with her, I even feel like I want to cry when I see her picture for the same reason but I try my best not to.
Like I said she is 17, and she says she won't get married until shes at least 20 so they can pay for it them selves.
So what the hell do I do? Stay friends with her while secretly being in love and hope that they break up or that my feelings pass (even though I feel they won't ever), Do I stop seeing her all together and most likely cry my self to death as the thought of not seeing her even as friends makes my heart hurt.
I could never try to break them up as I don't want to hurt her, even the thought of hoping they break up naturally hurts me thinking she might get hurt, and I cant tell her this as it would stop any chance of a friendship.
First time I ever fall in love and it has to be with someone completely unavailable.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading.