My First Date In Six Years

[Disillusioned]

I met her saturday night and she started talking to me. I bought her a drink and we talked some more. I guess I made a good impression because she gave me her number. I called her the next day and we made a date sunday evening. It was my first date in six years. We talked a bit over dinner and established that we have some common interests. She asked me if I have a girlfriend, I said no. She said she found it hard to believe because I'm a nice guy, I told her that seems to be my problem. She's been broken up with her last boyfriend for four months because the guy cheated on her. She says she's looking for more of a friendship and to maybe develop it into something. Yesterday I called her up after work and invited her down to my area. She came down and met up with me so we went for a little dinner and went back to my place to hang out for a while. I walked her to her car, she gave me a hug and went home.

I feel frigid. I'm worried she'll lose interests in me. I'm also worried she'll take advantage of me. I might not be pathetic but I really feel that way. I feel like I maimed the "animal inside me" and I'm an uptight nerd with no libido. I'm scared of accidentally being pushy and I can't balance the right attitude (like when you're nervous and talk at an inappropriate volume, only with attitude). I can't be flirty without saying something stupid or...creepy might be a bit harsh but it could suit the awkward silence that follows. I'm a very awkward person in this aspect of life. Very awkward. I'm worried she won't be patient enough for me to eventually make a move, lighten up or do whatever it is I feel like I'm missing. I'm worried if I make a move I'll be pushy. Hell, I don't even remember what a "move" is. I want to play off vibes but I'm terrible with my assumptions (which is what vibes feel like to me) and might come off as uninterested. It's also possible she's never dated a "nice guy" (pushover trying really hard not to appear to be trying really hard not to be a pushover), really does like me and doesn't want to chase me away somehow.

I think, and hope, that it's a combination of her being cautious to protect herself and getting to know me seriously. There's a possibility she's a genuine girl with values that aren't at odds with my own. I'm also unsure of what I want. My last relationship lasted four years and it's been six years since. I want to start slow without investing too much emotion and am hoping she's on the same page. I am attracted to her but I have trouble expressing it.

I only met her last saturday so this is all premature but I feel I'm picking up some kind of vibe, like she's trying to tell me something but I can't figure it out.

At any rate, if it doesn't work out I have to protect the bit of confidence I got from her taking an apparent interest in me. I also don't want her to know I have low self-esteem, I want to keep working on it by myself even if the validation does help.

I wish I could find some therapy I could trust just for this particular aspect of my life.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, for God's sake, you nervous nelly.

Next time, take a Valium before your date so all of this twitching doesn't show through the thin veneer of your public facade. You can tweak all you want by yourself, but if you start sharing this crap, your doomsaying will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

[VincenzoG91]

Disillusioned, try to make this next date something some kind of physical activity or something slightly scary. Like go to a park and throw a frisbee around, or ride some rollercoasters together at an amusement park. Maybe do a bungee jump. Something that will cause you to break a sweat or feel a bit of an adrenaline rush. It will boost your confidence and make the two of you feel closer. Better still, it will distract you from being so self-conscious. Relax, dating is supposed to be fun, and if you seem to be having fun, she is more likely to enjoy being around you. And if you're nervous about what to say, then ask open-ended and follow-up questions, and let her do more of the talking. People like good listeners.

[lahnnabell]

I agree with Vin. Doing something active will take the pressure off of conversing or needing to say something witty or entertaining. Find out what kinds of activities she likes and go from there.

[cmacattack1]

I know exactly how you feel man. While it hasn't been that long for me, I'm certainly very bad at dating as well. I overthink things too much and I end up just coming off as flat when I in fact have alot of personality and alot to offer. Around people that I'm not trying to impress like friends or coworkers, I'm fine, great, get lots of compliments, and all that, etc. Mentally, I just can't seem to make the connection between being myself with other people when I think of them as MORE than friends. As soon as it becomes about getting to know them intimately and so on I kind of just freeze up deer in the headlights kind of thing and my only hope is that she finds it cute. There are times where she just asks me questions like "What's your favorite drink?" and I try to think of something that impresses her and I just come off as stupid or ridiculous.

Sure we are all a bit nervous at first but you have to take some risks, and one of those risks is being yourself. If something pops up in your head, maybe a question about her, a joke, an observation, something, anything, don't be afraid to go with it. Unless you are thinking perv thoughts. But it will be spontaneous and it will be genuine. It will be you. If she doesn't like who you are deep down, there isn't really much you can do about that and will have to find somebody else. If you are hiding who you are, it will just waste time. I wish it was as easy as to tell you to be yourself, but that's how you really can connect with somebody. Don't be afraid of rejection or losing her, it isn't the end of the world.

Maybe you are afraid of liking her too much and being overly needy seeing as how it's been a while? Just maintain your own schedule, your own activities and if things don't always work out, no big deal. You won't have to rearrange your life around this new girl. Find ways to maybe include her in your outside life or manage your time so that you know when you can definitely be free to do something. And if you need ideas, just ask. There is plenty to do out there.

You are long overdue for the dating scene. Get back into it man.

[Mish]

Very awkward. I'm worried she won't be patient enough for me to eventually make a move, lighten up or do whatever it is I feel like I'm missing. I'm worried if I make a move I'll be pushy. Hell, I don't even remember what a "move" is.

I think you are over thinking this Disillusioned. You are putting too much emphasis on making a move and not being awkward and thus too much pressure on yourself. All of this is not as complicated as you imagine and it's not really a big deal. I know that there is some tendency in shy guys to imagine that every move that they make is a life critical decision which is a matter of life and death, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Just go with the flow and be natural. If someone likes you then don't over think it, don't make plans five years into the future, just be yourself and stay calm. If someone doesn't like you for being yourself, then that's okay as well, bullet dodged and you can move on to bigger and better things.

[VincenzoG91]

Another possibility for the second date: comedy. Go to a comedy club or go see a funny movie, then do dinner afterwards. Relax and act natural, but watch her expressions. If she reacts badly to anything that you say or do, play it off like you were joking around. Because of the laughter earlier in the evening, she will give you the benefit of the doubt and possibly even form an impression of you as a fun and amusing guy.

[Disillusioned]

Oh, for God's sake, you nervous nelly.

Next time, take a Valium before your date so all of this twitching doesn't show through the thin veneer of your public facade. You can tweak all you want by yourself, but if you start sharing this crap, your doomsaying will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I guess you can see why its been so long then.

[Disillusioned]

Disillusioned, try to make this next date something some kind of physical activity or something slightly scary. Like go to a park and throw a frisbee around, or ride some rollercoasters together at an amusement park. Maybe do a bungee jump. Something that will cause you to break a sweat or feel a bit of an adrenaline rush. It will boost your confidence and make the two of you feel closer. Better still, it will distract you from being so self-conscious. Relax, dating is supposed to be fun, and if you seem to be having fun, she is more likely to enjoy being around you. And if you're nervous about what to say, then ask open-ended and follow-up questions, and let her do more of the talking. People like good listeners.

Thanks! I'll try to find something she's interested in. I find her body language very ambiguous and neutral so I've felt discouraged from saying much but she doesn't talk much either so we kinda sit in silence and that's where I wonder if there's some hint I'm supposed to get (I'm extremely dense) but I don't want to assume. She seems content to sit back and listen to music with me and I hope she's not just pretending to, I don't want to waste her time if she's not enjoying herself. If she gives me the chance to get to know her better the awkwardness will lessen. Thanks again though, sounds like good advice.

[Disillusioned]

I know exactly how you feel man. While it hasn't been that long for me, I'm certainly very bad at dating as well. I overthink things too much and I end up just coming off as flat when I in fact have alot of personality and alot to offer. Around people that I'm not trying to impress like friends or coworkers, I'm fine, great, get lots of compliments, and all that, etc. Mentally, I just can't seem to make the connection between being myself with other people when I think of them as MORE than friends. As soon as it becomes about getting to know them intimately and so on I kind of just freeze up deer in the headlights kind of thing and my only hope is that she finds it cute. There are times where she just asks me questions like "What's your favorite drink?" and I try to think of something that impresses her and I just come off as stupid or ridiculous.

Sure we are all a bit nervous at first but you have to take some risks, and one of those risks is being yourself. If something pops up in your head, maybe a question about her, a joke, an observation, something, anything, don't be afraid to go with it. Unless you are thinking perv thoughts. But it will be spontaneous and it will be genuine. It will be you. If she doesn't like who you are deep down, there isn't really much you can do about that and will have to find somebody else. If you are hiding who you are, it will just waste time. I wish it was as easy as to tell you to be yourself, but that's how you really can connect with somebody. Don't be afraid of rejection or losing her, it isn't the end of the world.

Maybe you are afraid of liking her too much and being overly needy seeing as how it's been a while? Just maintain your own schedule, your own activities and if things don't always work out, no big deal. You won't have to rearrange your life around this new girl. Find ways to maybe include her in your outside life or manage your time so that you know when you can definitely be free to do something. And if you need ideas, just ask. There is plenty to do out there.

You are long overdue for the dating scene. Get back into it man.

I have no idea what being yourself means, we have little recourse but to be ourselves. Either my personality seems like a facade, I guess, or the facade has become my personality but I'm genuine in my situational asexuality. I don't want to propogate the stereotype of men being stupid animals that can be easily led around by their dicks, nor do I wan't to be another excuse to hate men. I've beaten my passion into submission for the sake of reason and it's left me with little common ground to relate to most people when the situation is open to it, particularly with a woman I'm attracted to.

When I try to see myself as others might see me I feel that I'm not a bad guy but I don't have enough to offer to make it worth the effort of putting up with me. That's my impression of myself projected and likely inaccurate, if I'm trying to be positive to protect my confidence, but example tends to be more believable than sparing feelings and the examples have shown people don't really wan't to be around my attitude, many make the effort out of good conscience. I find this understandable to some degree, what I don't understand is why I'm so vigilant about shooting myself down.

I don't want to put on an act but I feel I have to or I won't have any friends except for gloomy lunatics. I'm caught between being genuine and how genuine gets me nowhere but I digress, these long-term problems are always a work in progress. I think a bit of practice might help so I'll continue to tread lightly. If she loses interest in me I'll wonder if I did the best I could but I still feel a charge that a girl came up and talked to me. Thanks!

[Disillusioned]

I think you are over thinking this Disillusioned. You are putting too much emphasis on making a move and not being awkward and thus too much pressure on yourself. All of this is not as complicated as you imagine and it's not really a big deal. I know that there is some tendency in shy guys to imagine that every move that they make is a life critical decision which is a matter of life and death, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Just go with the flow and be natural. If someone likes you then don't over think it, don't make plans five years into the future, just be yourself and stay calm. If someone doesn't like you for being yourself, then that's okay as well, bullet dodged and you can move on to bigger and better things.

Pretty much what I'm thinking. It takes effort for me not to put pressure on myself...trying hard not to try to hard but trying hard enough and then falling off the tightrope because I didn't get it right. It's not life and death, just MORE embarrassment I'd rather do without. I don't want to pressure her in any way and I don't always get the correct impression of how what I do will come accross like. I'm trying to learn not to walk on eggshells with everything but then I get careless, do or say something awkward and clam up. It's the balance I have so much trouble with unless I put on the facade, then the fake balance comes easy but we don't want that (I don't think). Thanks.

[Disillusioned]

Another possibility for the second date: comedy. Go to a comedy club or go see a funny movie, then do dinner afterwards. Relax and act natural, but watch her expressions. If she reacts badly to anything that you say or do, play it off like you were joking around. Because of the laughter earlier in the evening, she will give you the benefit of the doubt and possibly even form an impression of you as a fun and amusing guy.

Excellent idea, I'll definitely take that into consideration! Thanks again!

[kitkitkitty]

i think that when it comes to the whole silence thing, learn to appreciate it.... be happy you don't have to talk the whole time to feel comfortable around each other. you're both naturally quiet and it's ok. i know it must feel so awkward at first but don't force yourself to speak, youre more likely to come out with nervous comments which as you say, will make it more awkward. you need to learn to relax and have fun. have a coupla shots of something before seeing her

[misombra]

I'm going to spend the day in santa fe and go to a certain lf members' baby shower.

[TXChris]

Oh, for God's sake, you nervous nelly.

Next time, take a Valium before your date so all of this twitching doesn't show through the thin veneer of your public facade. You can tweak all you want by yourself, but if you start sharing this crap, your doomsaying will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I agree take two valiums. If you are a nice guy, as you claim, then atand on that. Contrary to common belief NICE GUYS DON'T FINISH LAST. They end up with long term meaningful relationships. But insecure, over ideational or over controlling guys usually do lose out.