I'm in love with a married woman

[Rajaat]

So, I know I'm in a real pickle but I'd like to get this out... Perhaps it will help to read what other people have to say and I can get the strength to put this all behind me.

This last Saturday I had a party at my house. A whole bunch of people showed up and it was a lot of fun. One of the people that attended was a married woman that I'm very attracted to. At a previous party we had gotten to talking and had a really good time. I thought she sort of was attracted to me too. Well, this last Saturday I was getting some seriously strong signals from her that she was very interested me. We had a really good time but I did something you all will most likely think I shouldn't have done.

At one point in the night I saw the opportunity to kiss her, intimately. Of course, I was nervous because I really didn't know how she would respond. Well, she kissed me back and we spent the rest of the night finding situations where her husband was around so we could kiss some more. The thing that makes feel really bad is that we were being extremely secretive about it!

Anyway, I know I should not persue this woman but my heart tells me otherwise. I know I need to break my own heart and perhaps I can gather strength and courage to do what I know I must do. I would really appreciate your thoughts on my situation, positive or negative.

[jane]

well.. if it makes you feel any better, I am in love with a married man. And to be totally honest it sucks.. I dont think he has the same feelings for me .. ... ANyway, I am not really sure what to say only .. that I completely understand where you are at.

[Rajaat]

In my case my dilema is slightly complicated by the fact that the married woman seems interested in me. I don't know how much interest she has and that kills me. It almost feels like given a chance she'd continue to have our little secret "meetings".

I'm also somewhat nervous about talking to her about it... I don't know what her take on the whole situation is and I don't know if I can find enough private time to talk with her. I feel like I should talk to her before I/we reveal what happened. Would it be that bad if we didn't tell anyone what happened as long as we didn't do it again?

[RedAngl19]

Rajaat, i recently went through this very same situation. The only difference is that i was the married one. I can be totally honest with you because everyone else here already knows the story. If you care to go back and read it, just search for threads recently made by billygalbreath.

Anywho... here's the jist... though I was not formally married, I was in a very serious relationship with someone, 3 yrs. Our realtionship had long since been dead, and that's no lie. Well, I started a new job and I met Blake (or Billy, as everyone here knows him). I immediately felt attracted to him, and by what I could tell, he felt the same way. We went out to lunch together one day, in secret of course. When we got back, I cornered him in the copy room and tried to kiss him. He backed away, said he couldn't because I was with someone. I was hurt, but refused to give up (I should be ashamed, but I'm not sorry to say that I'm not). Shortly thereafter he caved and we started seeing each other even outside of work. We would kiss a lot, but nothing more. Finally one day, my now ex and I got into a huge argument and I left. It was the best thing I could have done. Now Blake and I are extremely happy. Though we still don't live together, there are plans for the near future. It all worked out.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning (sp?) affairs. But (at the risk of sounding cliche') a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Do what it takes to find true hapinness. Talk to this girl, find out what the deal is before you reveal anything. If you both see that something may happen, go for it. But if not, simply leave matters alone. There's no need to hurt anyone if it will never happen again. If there are kids involved, think it through really good. Be absolutely sure this is what you BOTH want.

I hope this helps.

-Faby

[Clifton]

dude, heres one to ruin it for you, shes MARRIED and has no problems kissing, or most likely, do anything else with YOU, that should say alot about her loyalty to her man, would you really want a relationship with this girl after focusing on that?

[Rajaat]

Thanks Faby! That really helps. I was actually thinking along the same lines. The thing is I really like this woman but I don't know how she feels about me or her marriage. I should really talk to her and see what's going on.

That's a good point, Clifton, but at the same time I'm not sure if she'd be that open with just anyone. I need to find out more information. I have reason to believe that she really likes me too but she's married. I need more information. There are too many what ifs here.

Thanks for the posts and please keep them coming. The more perspectives I hear the better I can make the right decision. I originally felt I should talk to her to figure out what exactly happened and what is going on in her marriage. Then (most likely) not do anything ever again and tell her husband what happened so that we don't have that secret. But as Faby points out, what if she's not happy? What if she didn't approach me earlier because she didn't think I shared her feelings? What if she just wasn't thinking? What if she really is a slut? Too many questions! I need more information!

[cbee]

I have to agree with Clifton. Having been on the receiving end of someone cheating on you it's horrid. Billy's first response was right She's with someone, even if she doesn't respect that then you should until she decides to leave him.

I appreciate that every story is different (so please don't kill me RedAngl) but you don't really know what's happening between her and her husband do you? By pursuing her you are creating a huge bomb of hurt for the innocent people caught up in your intrigue. It explode at some point in the future and people will get hurt. Think you can live with that?

[RedAngl19]

I have to agree with Clifton. Having been on the receiving end of someone cheating on you it's horrid. Billy's first response was right She's with someone, even if she doesn't respect that then you should until she decides to leave him.

I appreciate that every story is different (so please don't kill me RedAngl) but you don't really know what's happening between her and her husband do you? By pursuing her you are creating a huge bomb of hurt for the innocent people caught up in your intrigue. It explode at some point in the future and people will get hurt. Think you can live with that?

I'm not gonna kill you cbee (not that i would anyway) but here's why...

Maybe i didn't phrase it right, but i meant that he needs to talk to this girl and find out what the deal is. He needs to find out what the actual situation is with her man, if there are other players (ie. kids) involved, what her true feelings and intentions are. Until then, he should chill. I hope you understand what I meant now.

Now on the other hand, if the all clear is given, why should he not try to be happy? If this girl is being true (despite the whole cheating on her man thing, and i'll get back to you on that clifton), why should he not pursue the relationship? Sure the guy will get hurt, but isn't it better for her to end it than to keep lying to him? The longer she waits, the worse it will be. I know this, first hand. In my case, my ex and I are still friends and still talk. We get along better now than we ever did while together. You just never know how things will turn out. Do you want to live your entire life thinking "what if?"

As for you, Clifton. I know you were just giving your opinion, but... you can't really judge (and yes, you were judging) a person without knowing the full details. Yes, I cheated on my ex, but I was miserable and afraid to just let go. We were making each other miserable, but neither would back down. Yes, I went about it the wrong way, but I was afraid to change everything so drastically. But it all turned out alright in the end, for all parties involved. Now I am madly in love. And just because I cheated on my ex, it does not mean, I will cheat again. All situations are different. Don't judge all by the bad ones. Give me a break please .

Then again, that's just my opinion. Best of luck Rajaat. Think it through fully.

-Faby

[Clifton]

i definitaly think, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of if its because your too cowardly to end a relationship first, or not, is pretty much irrelevant to me, but yeah its my opinion.

[Rajaat]

Yikes, that's kinda harsh! Well, you know what they say... Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one! :-)

I talked with a friend last night and he almost convinced me it was just the alcohol... and most likely nothing more. Nothing serious happened (just kissing) so I probably shouldn't worry and let it go. I personally feel very guilty about how secretive the whole encounter was.

I'm kinda shy and that usually keeps me from making mistakes. On the other hand, it also keeps me from meeting/talking/etc with women I might actually have a chance with. I guess now my shyness is trying to keep me from talking with her about the situation. I'm nervous as all heck about it. So I think my friend is right. Let it go and keep going. You know, if I don't go looking for love, then I can't get hurt (heartbroken) and, most importantly, I can't hurt anyone else, directly or indirectly.

Thanks for the posts. They all really helped. I'm glad it all worked out for you Faby. I usually *hate* romantic comedies because these sorts of things happen and in the end everyone is happy (or mostly happy). In particular, the guy in my situation would end up with the girl and they'd be happy forever! I *hate* these movies because I always felt real life was the exact opposite. Well, I now know of at least one case where it all worked out! Congratulations! :-)

Well, I'm off to become a workaholic! The more I work, the less time I'll have to ruin my life (or someone elses). No more love for me... I just need to stay away, be single for ever and ever, and never look back. There's nothing wrong with a little misery. Perhaps my misery will allow others to be happy and THAT will keep me going!

Thanks again everyone!

[cbee]

Maybe i didn't phrase it right, but i meant that he needs to talk to this girl and find out what the deal is. He needs to find out what the actual situation is with her man, if there are other players (ie. kids) involved, what her true feelings and intentions are. Until then, he should chill. I hope you understand what I meant now.

I agree with you 100% here.

Sure the guy will get hurt, but isn't it better for her to end it than to keep lying to him?

That was really what I was trying to get at. Ideally, she should end it with the guy and then move on not have an overlap which will, if found out, cause greater hurt.

[happyteen]

i think what you could do just love her.do what make you feel happy.do what make her feel happy!

[Rajaat]

I talked to her last night and although we did not tackle the question of how she felt about it directly I got the impression that she had a we should not do anything about it attitude. She's having a party tonight and her main point was that the whole kissing thing should not be a "topic" for tonight.

She said she told her husband. I asked her if I should not come to the party and she said it was ok. She also talked to a friend of her's and he blamed the alcohol.

Of course, I'm not sure that'll go. I want to go to see her, but I know we can't be together. And that tears me to pieces. I'm sure it would also be really awkward to be around her and her husband.

As before, I expect the best thing to do here is not to take my happiness in to consideration. (In other words, I should not be selfish!) She's obviously happy with her man and I should NOT attempt to get in the way.

Thanks for the replies!

(I appologize to anyone who read this prior to the edit)

[happyteen]

I think you are a great man.if you have made up your mind,It's time for a new beginning. you should forget her as soon as you can.Love break my heart!I will just let it go like wind .best wishes to you!

[RedAngl19]

Sorry to hear she doesn't share your feelings Rajaat. That sucks man.

Best thing to do now is let it go, or atleast try. Do your best. You sound like a stand-up guy. Obviously she wasn't the one for you. I'm sure the right girl will come into your life soon enough. Best of luck in that.