How to stop "wanting it"?

[Indestructible]

"It" being... well, "love", a relationship, etc. Whatever. This is something I'm really struggling with, right now. In the last few years, as I've gotten out of high school and started into college, I've really been wanting to see what the whole dating/ relationship world is like. I've done the best to make myself as "presentable" as I can (though I have some natural traits that are major turn-offs to girls, and there's not really anything I can do about them), but frustratingly, I've never had any luck in that aspect. Never even gotten to a "flirtatious" level with a girl, really. Not that I can't make friends with girls; just that that's all I seem to find -- female friends.

Because of that, lately, I've decided that I want to give up on that whole thing. I just can't see it happening for myself, anymore. Problem is... deep down, there's a part of me that doesn't want to "give up" on that part of life. In my teens, I always envisioned the future life I wanted when I was "all grown up"; a nice career, a family of my own, etc. Now I have to figure out how to get that second part out of my head, though. Which is hard, because romance and relationships seem to be buzzing all around me. None of my friends (male or female) seem to have trouble finding significant others. Heck, one of my friends recently got married, another one will be getting married next month, etc. Not that I'd push for something like that to happen so soon in my life, but I'm in my early 20s, and I'm already feeling so old, knowing my peers are already getting to that point. This Sunday, I'll be going to my family reunion, where most of my cousins and other younger relatives will be bringing dates, and whatnot.

So, it's pretty hard to stop being so curious about dating and relationships, especially when it's all around you like that... But I really want to get that idea out of my head. I want to stop "wanting it", I want to stop thinking about it, and I want to stop dangling that proverbial carrot in front of my face, hoping maybe one day it'll finally happen. But how? I know people typically recommend stuff like finding hobbies and working on bettering yourself, but those are things I'm already working at, and most of the time, those are just things to keep yourself from being too available or too "needy" to girls you might be interested. I'm looking to shut those thoughts down completely.

Only thing I've been "practicing" lately is trying to remind myself about all the negatives that come along with dating and relationships. That only kind of helps, though; I still can't really completely shake the curiosity, nor can I fully convince myself that dating, and relationships and all that stuff, just isn't for me. So... how do I do that? I don't want to think about it, anymore, I don't want to hope for it, anymore, I just want all those ideas planted in my head to go away. It's all too frustrating and confusing and depressing, and that just makes my head hurt. @_@

[angel2002]

First of all: You have such a low self- esteem. If you dont believe in yourself, who will? There is no need to be insecure and say you wont find a partner just because u r not too atractive.
Listen, i've seen such ugly people but really ugly with nice looking partner, not saying u are ugly, just trying to open your eyes so u can see things are not like that as you painted on your mind. You are 20, so young. You dont need to commit yourself in a relationship right now, believe me. Try to focus on your carreer, and relationship and love will come along when you less expect. if you put this pressure on yourself and have these negative thoughts u end up pushing people away without noticing.
Love is not about beauty, race, money, so these are not important things when it becomes to love, and yes love is for you, for everybdody. There is just a right person for you, and before she doesnt come, enjoy your life.
Clean your mind of these thoughts, cause this is bad stuff to think. You have so much more to offer than your phisical appearance.
Its better to be alone than with a person that is not gonna add anything in your life but problems.
Good luck and don't give up! may be your way of thinking is pushing girls away

[Sonrisa]

self-esteem has nothing to do with it. it's all in your head because your peers are one step ahead of you in that matter. try setting a goal for yourself that has nothing to do with relationships/dating, but to improve your life/future/self. what are you doing with yourself? once you start concentrating on achieving your personal goals, girls will sense it, and you just might end up with a better partner than all of your friends.

[jenniferx]

Stop wanting it by finding it

[angel2002]

I've done the best to make myself as "presentable" as I can (though I have some natural traits that are major turn-offs to girls, and there's not really anything I can do about them), but frustratingly, I've never had any luck in that aspect.
None of my friends (male or female) seem to have trouble finding significant others
but I'm in my early 20s, and I'm already feeling so old, knowing my peers are already getting to that point. This Sunday, I'll be going to my family reunion, where most of my cousins and other younger relatives will be bringing dates, and whatnot

THESE STATEMENTS IN THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR. HE IS COMPARING HIMSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE, AND WHEN YOU COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE TOO MUCH, AND FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVENT ACHIEVED WHAT OTHERS DID, YES YOU DO HAVE A SELF ESTEEM ISSUE.
AND HERE IS WHERE THE SELF ESTEEM ISSUE GETS MORE VISIBLE-None of my friends (male or female) seem to have trouble finding significant others- SO WHY WOULD HE HAVE TROUBLE, IF HE WAS CONFIDENT IN HIMSELF?
I SEE THAT HIS SELF ESTEEM IS THE WHOLE CAUSE OF THE ISSUE, BECAUSE HE DOESNT FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, AND THINK OTHERS ARE BETTER WHEN IT COMES ABOUT DATING, HE IS PUSHING AWAY ANY OPPORTUNITY HE MIGHT HAVE.
SO WHEN HE WRITES WE CAN SEE HIS POINT OF VIEW, AND HE WILL TELL US IF THIS HAS OR NOT TO DO WITH HIS SELF ESTEEM.
THANKS TO ALL
HAVE A GREAT ONE

[Only-Zebra]

Listen... Nobody will ever be able to support you in your decision to give up. Giving up is something you do when you no longer have the strenght to go on and you're totally dissapointed. Then, it's just easy, and "giving up" comes naturally. That's how it's supposed to feel. Not just about love...
If it's hard for you to give up, it only means than you shouldn't. Love is one of the most wonderful things in life...and you have every right to keep hoping it will come to you.We live in a huge world, a world of 6-7 billion people. And it's worth to keep searching. If you have to...well start traveling around, and you'll see how much different people exist... people who wouldn't be troubled by anything, in order to give you the love that you deserve.
You just have to find a new way of dealing with this struggle. Obviously, what you're doing now is not your way to find happiness. You need to see the other ways... even if they sound crazy.

[Indestructible]

Eh, I don't know that I have self-esteem issues. I mean, I don't "hate" myself, or even dislike myself. I understand that everyone has flaws, and I'm not trying to put myself down, but I'm just pointing out that I'm very aware of what my flaws are. My frustration comes from the fact that I feel as though I'm doing the best I can to make myself as presentable (and I'm not just talking about appearance and physical stuff) as I can, despite what I have to work with, and yet it doesn't seem to matter. It's pretty disappointing to always try to be the best you can be, and never see it pay off, or make any kind of difference to anyone. I'm not trying to compare myself to peers in a "They're better looking/ more successful than I am" way, but I just don't get why they seem to have so little trouble with that kind of thing, and I have nothing but trouble.

It's hard to believe there's "still hope" for me. By the end of the year, I'll be 22, and I'm almost positive I'll still have never even been on a single date. That's not exactly "normal". Most people start that stuff in their teens. Here I am at the point where a lot of people my age are getting ready to start settling down, and I haven't even started yet. I can see myself still being perpetually single in five years, hell, probably even in ten. I want to "give up" because I'm tired of trying to convince myself that there's still hope. I'm sure there's plenty of people out there that live their whole lives and never get to experience those things. There's a pretty good chance I'm unfortunate to be one of those people. I just wish I could accept that, and permanently silence that part of me that wants to keep hoping. It causes too much of a contradiction and makes me feel like such a mess.

[oneandonly]

wow, you are only 22! And you envy other people at your age getting ready to settling down? Why rush? Who's to say those around you will have a long lasting relationship? I'd rather have one quality one than a number of failed miserable relationships. I was never a big fan of being in a relationship at an early age. It's just there are so much out there that you want to explore than longing for a relationship, which undoubtedly will come in time!

[Indestructible]

Well, I'm not saying that that's exactly the point I want to be at right now with a girl, but it's disheartening to know that I'm so far behind the curve, so to speak. Not all of them may go on to have healthy, long-lasting relationships with the people they're with, but at least they're weeding out the bad partners from the good. I can't even get to that stage. I don't want to be the guy that doesn't find his first decent relationship until he's in his 40s and 50s. I'd like to be able to experience it while I'm still young enough to enjoy it, and youthful enough to have the stamina to go places and do fun things. Yanno?

[Sonrisa]

THESE STATEMENTS IN THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR. HE IS COMPARING HIMSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE, AND WHEN YOU COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE TOO MUCH, AND FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAVENT ACHIEVED WHAT OTHERS DID, YES YOU DO HAVE A SELF ESTEEM ISSUE.
AND HERE IS WHERE THE SELF ESTEEM ISSUE GETS MORE VISIBLE-None of my friends (male or female) seem to have trouble finding significant others- SO WHY WOULD HE HAVE TROUBLE, IF HE WAS CONFIDENT IN HIMSELF?
I SEE THAT HIS SELF ESTEEM IS THE WHOLE CAUSE OF THE ISSUE, BECAUSE HE DOESNT FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, AND THINK OTHERS ARE BETTER WHEN IT COMES ABOUT DATING, HE IS PUSHING AWAY ANY OPPORTUNITY HE MIGHT HAVE.
SO WHEN HE WRITES WE CAN SEE HIS POINT OF VIEW, AND HE WILL TELL US IF THIS HAS OR NOT TO DO WITH HIS SELF ESTEEM.
THANKS TO ALL
HAVE A GREAT ONE

ughm, it's only natural to compare yourself to others. i do it all the time. does it mean that i have self-esteem issues?

[lfjim]

i think it'd really help us understand ur issue if we have a ball park idea of what your disadvantage is..

[Raze]

It seems to me you are feeling sorry for yourself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who constantly underestimates himself/herself.

My advice: Work on your confidence! Don't be an asshole though.. that's a false sense of confidence. Be assertive, nice (within reason), and learn how to standup for yourself and your girl. =)

[adam95]

you gotta stop thinking about it. that will just make finding love more difficult. concentrate on building your career, go out and have fun. and as raze says, be confident. im sure with all the qualities you got, you'll have girls all over you.

[Indestructible]

you gotta stop thinking about it. that will just make finding love more difficult. concentrate on building your career, go out and have fun. and as raze says, be confident. im sure with all the qualities you got, you'll have girls all over you.

That's... kind of what I'm asking about, though, heh. I don't know how to "stop thinking about it". That's my problem. I try to distract myself with hobbies and personal goals, and such, but something ends up reminding me of the subject, and it just starts all over again.

i think it'd really help us understand ur issue if we have a ball park idea of what your disadvantage is..

Hah, where should I start? On the physical side of things, I'm a very short guy. I'm like 5'2". I almost never meet girls shorter than I am, and the few that I do encounter are typically way older than me (old enough to be my mother, or even grandmother). I wouldn't mind dating a taller girl (though not much more than a few inches), but girls typically see my height and just push me right back down into the "friend zone". To make matters worse, I apparently have an odd-looking face. My face (combined with my height) often cause people to mistake me for being a young child. I've tried everything I can think of, from growing facial hair, to trying to dress more my age, etc., and yet I constantly get people thinking I'm in my early teens and then giving me that awkward uncomfortable "Oh gawd..." kind of chuckle.

As for the more important issues, well... I'm a very closed off, "keeps to himself" kind of guy, who's often pretty awkward at socializing. I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm not good at small talk, I'm not good at keeping conversations going, I don't live a very interesting life so I don't have any stories to tell, I'm not really funny or charming, etc. I can only really loosen up and be more open around certain people, but they're few and far between. In a perfect world, I really should be with a girl that's a bit more outgoing and adventurous than me; I think that'd make me feel safer and help me to relax and loosen up. Unfortunately, I can't see how I could ever get an outgoing girl to notice me. I'm much too introverted; I'd imagine most extroverted people end up with other extroverted people. Some more outgoing guys end up with more introverted girls, but I can't recall ever hearing of it happening the other way around.

And I really do try to work on those social issues I have, but I dunno, I'm starting to think I'm just naturally made that way. I'm awkward, and timid, and quiet, and not a very good conversationalist... I think that's just me. I try to push myself to change those things, but I just... can't.