Flirting online - Would you call this cheating??

[gijayne40]

Hi Everyone,


I am new to this forum and would love to have some truthful and honest opinions or advice on the situation I'm in at the moment.


Well here goes......



I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 2 years (there is a big age gap 11 years) I am 40 and my partner is 29( although he is physicallyl and mentally mature for he's age or so I thought.....this will come aparent later in my post).

We met online and intially just wanted to have fun, no strings etc etc. We had a few dates and after the 3rd time meeting up it began to be clear that we started to have feelings for each other. Anyway one thing led to another and before you know it, those dates progressed into something pretty amazing - my partner told me he loved me after just 3 weeks. I must admit although I started to have strong feeling for him, I was amazed at how quickly things had transpired and to be honest, I didn't really want a serious heavy relationship as I had just come out of a relationship only 4 months prior).

The first year was absolutely great, amazing sex, friendship etc etc.....then my partner's immaturity started creeping in little by little. I noticed that he would criticise my appearance , then criticise how I raised my child (he has no kids by the way) and other critiscms......basically just trying to undermine me and put me down. Over time this has gotten me down and I now have low esteem. We have broken up many times but have got back together recently and we are trying to make it work.


Anyway, I have reverted back to dating websites (I know, very sad) but to be honest talking to men,having harmless flirts boosts my ego and actually makes me feel better about myself.

But what I want to know, is am I considered a cheat?


Sorry if the post has been long, I've tried to make it as short as possible.

[girl68]

yes... it is. maturity also can be defined as knowing when something isn't working and fixing it or letting it go.

[VincenzoG91]

We have broken up many times but have got back together recently and we are trying to make it work.

Anyway, I have reverted back to dating websites (I know, very sad) but to be honest talking to men,having harmless flirts boosts my ego and actually makes me feel better about myself.

But what I want to know, is am I considered a cheat?

From the rest of your post, you have good reasons for having doubts about your current relationship. But unless you end it first, yeah, you're kind of cheating. You aren't really trying to make things work if you're talking to guys that you met at online dating sites.

Don't believe me? Tell your partner and see if he reacts badly. Relationships need communication and trust, so your current secrecy is undermining everything. The truth can set you free.

[gijayne40]

Girl68 - thanks for your comment.....I must add that I have no intentions of meeting up with these men on the dating site, I'm just having harmless fun.

Also, the other day my boyfriend openly admitted he was watching porn (We don't live together by the way). Isn't that wrong too?

I know men watch porn but I feel he was insensitive telling me!

[girl68]

I don't believe you. Regardless of your "intention" if you're not totally honest about what you're doing with your partner means you're hiding it and ashamed. Which also means that you know it's wrong.

[Gigabitch]

Openly admitting something isn't a problem. Sneakiness and lying are. The man may have no tact, but he's not the most guilty person in this situation- you are.

He's not responsible for your low self-esteem. Your low self-esteem is responsible for the fact that you put up with his crass behavior and criticism. Take some responsibility and either make sure you are treated right or LEAVE HIM.

[gijayne40]

VincenzoG91 - Thanks for your comment.


I know deep down that the relationship isn't that great but Its just so hard for me to end the relationship. I know my partner isn't the most sensitive person in the world and has many other bad traits but he has also become my best friend.

The problem is although I love him - I'm not in love with im anymore.

[gijayne40]

To be honest, this is out of character for me. It's almost like I'm getting pleasure out of doing this just to get back at him for being so horrible to me for so long.

I myself am being immature by acting this way.

Maybe I should justhave the guts to end the relationship and move on...its not like I'm happy with him anyway.

Like I said before, I love andcare for him but I'm not in love with him.

[Raze]

You need to leave him before things progress. You aren't in love with him anymore, so end it instead of doing things behind his back.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, he's got to go. It was fun while it lasted, but it's not fun any more.

[xxazurexx]

Yeah let him go and if you aren't in love with him anymore.

Why hang onto something that is past it's 'sell by' date?

[gijayne40]

I know I have to end it but its so hard because I still have feelings for him - why does it hurt so much if I'm not in love with him anymore?

I'm really confused at the moment.

[Mish]

Those words, "love but not in love" actually don't mean anything. If what you are trying to say by that is "I like him, but we have no future together" then you know what needs to be done.

[gijayne40]

You actually hit the nail on the head - I no longer see a future together......and to be honest I don't even enjoy his company anymore - it's like I have started to resent him.

[gijayne40]

Ok, an update on my situation - I spoke with my partner about breaking up and I honestly didn't expect he's response. He was so suprised to know I was so unhappy and he told me I was the best woman he had ever had, he then broke down in tears. He apologised profusely (he hardly ever apologises even if he's in the wrong)!! However, deep down I know getting back together would be a mistake but how do I tell a 'broken man' that the relationship is over?

I am not a heartless person (infact I can be a bit too nice sometimes) and I still respect this man who I shared my life with for 2 years so I told him that we should just have a break - was this wrong of me, knowing the relationship hasnt got a future?