Girls - How would you want your boyfriend to comfort you when you are mad?

[EMPark]

I've been seeing this girl for 2 months now, and things were going great at the start but now there's a problem. During the last 2 weeks, we've been fighting everyday. We seem to fight a lot. And it always starts due to the smallest things. She's quite stubborn and I've starting conceding to her in most of our arguments so that things won't get out of hand.

But the real issue is that she says I don't know how to comfort her when she's mad. She always says to me - using an analogy - that if I would put out the small flame before it became a large inferno (by comforting her) then things would be ok.

In her previous relationship, her and her ex would fight about the same stuff and eventually he broke up with her cause he couldn't deal with it any longer. Because of what happened, I think she has some hangups from her past and feels insecure about that in this relationship.

Anyway, I really like this girl but I don't know what to do. So I wanna ask the girls here - How would you want your boyfriend to comfort you if you were upset at him?

Or are we not a right match for each other?

[girl68]

That's horseshit. It sounds like she wants to be pissed just so that you HAVE to give her the affection/ attention she wants. If she wants affection and attention like a child or a dog she must be in a stable happy place. SHe is acting all pissy for all the wrong reasons. I see right through her.

[Gigabitch]

I've had this problem before.

Two things are happening at once: You're fighting about a particular issue and you're also hurting one another's feelings. For a lot of people, the feelings are way more important than the issue. It's HOW you're fighting, not WHAT you're fighting about.

Conflict usually tends to put people, especially men, in "combat mode" and they don't address each other's feelings while they're fighting because they want to maintain their position in the argument. It's easy to diffuse a pissed-off woman in many cases if you know how. If you take care of her feelings, you'll be surprised how much more willing she'll be to reasonably discuss the issues at hand.

[EMPark]

It makes me happy to see that even though I'm not getting much responses, two of the most intelligent women on the forum - whose opinions I hold in high regard - are responding to my question (I'm Sanctuary if you remember me ).

That's horseshit. It sounds like she wants to be pissed just so that you HAVE to give her the affection/ attention she wants. If she wants affection and attention like a child or a dog she must be in a stable happy place. SHe is acting all pissy for all the wrong reasons. I see right through her.

I must admit, it confuses the hell out of me sometimes at how suddenly she gets mad. I feel like I'm dating a volcano and that doing the most seemingly harmless thing (to me) would all of a sudden start WWIII. We've been 'fighting' pretty much everyday for 2 weeks now...

A bit of background info:

Her last ex of 3 years broke up with her and he was quite literally, her world (she had no true friends of her own and all her friends were his friends to begin with). Because of this, she has immense insecurities about relationships and she's really afraid of getting hurt. That breakup happened one and a half years ago but I feel that some of the problems we're having are partly due to that previous relationship. In fact, sometimes it feels like I'm picking up from where her ex left off and she's expecting me to be able to comfort/understand her in ways her ex never could. I should also mention that before that breakup, her ex from before that relationship broke up with her too and it left her devastated...

I've had this problem before.

Two things are happening at once: You're fighting about a particular issue and you're also hurting one another's feelings. For a lot of people, the feelings are way more important than the issue. It's HOW you're fighting, not WHAT you're fighting about.

Conflict usually tends to put people, especially men, in "combat mode" and they don't address each other's feelings while they're fighting because they want to maintain their position in the argument.

I've been conceding to her on the silly arguments where I know debating will do no good and I try to reason with her later on, but I'm slowly getting tired of conceding all the time to prevent her from getting more pissed off because it's really not in my nature to do that..

But you make a great point that feelings are way more important than the issue; it's just hard to keep that idea in mind when we're actually in the moment fighting.

It's easy to diffuse a pissed-off woman in many cases if you know how. If you take care of her feelings, you'll be surprised how much more willing she'll be to reasonably discuss the issues at hand.

I've never had a relationship where I've felt so lost before. I know comforting a woman is not something us guys know how to do intuitively but nothing I do seems to work. Gigabitch, how do I diffuse her when she becomes a pissed-off woman?


On paper, this girl seems to be everything I'm looking for but I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. We fight so frequently now and she stays so mad that we can't even cool down and have makeup sex before the next fight occurs.

Are we moving too fast? Is this relationship just a bad idea? Or is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

(I don't expect anyone to answer those three questions but thanks for listening to my crap guys. And it's nice to be back here again. )

[Fene]

Well here's some advice from a guy

I don't think you should just back down to her just to get her to stop arguing.. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. Just tell her that you don't want to argue and to get her to explain to you (calmly!!) what the problem is so that you can help. If she can't be mature enough to tell you without shouting or arguing then just simply leave and go somewhere while she cools off and tell her beforehand that you won't allow her to treat you this way.

If she thinks she can always argue with you and win and always get her way then she will continue to do so. But if you stick up for yourself in a mature way then it will show her that you won't put up with her silly behaviour and allow her to walk all over you and that you're in control of yourself and your emotions.

[QueenofCorona]

P-eeeww. Some girls just thrive on drama, sounds like she's one of them. More trouble than they're worth. Walk on.

[EMPark]

Well here's some advice from a guy

I don't think you should just back down to her just to get her to stop arguing.. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. Just tell her that you don't want to argue and to get her to explain to you (calmly!!) what the problem is so that you can help. If she can't be mature enough to tell you without shouting or arguing then just simply leave and go somewhere while she cools off and tell her beforehand that you won't allow her to treat you this way.

I used to do that and sometimes I still do. What would end up happening is that she just gets more upset and says to me 'how come I have to do what you want when you're the one that made me upset?' I tell her it's not 100% my fault and we'll stop talking for the day and usually I'll get over it by the next day but she won't, she just gets madder/more insecure than the day before. In a way, she uses that to gain leverage on me cuz she's mad and I'm not. And after those types of fights, she gets extra sensitive which usually results in even more fighting. And it's at those points I wonder how can a girl that's usually so smart and logical be so immature.

If she thinks she can always argue with you and win and always get her way then she will continue to do so. But if you stick up for yourself in a mature way then it will show her that you won't put up with her silly behaviour and allow her to walk all over you and that you're in control of yourself and your emotions.

For the past week and half, I've felt like all she does is walk all over me. And that's really bothering me. A lot. I almost never let people do that unless it's for very good reason.

I thought I found the right girl, but instead this girl just feels that she's always right.

[qwertz]

She does sound more hassle than she is worth. She shouldve worked on those insecurities before getting in a relationship. She wants the fight/drama and you are giving it to her.
I know that if i am having a row then i want to be left the hell alone when im mad. When we have both then calmed down is the best way/time to talk things through and make up.

[vashti]

I agree with those who are saying that this girl is the problem. Constant arguing, and then somehow making YOU responsible for her emotional state is just... odd. She sounds immature and not interested in taking responsibility for her own behaviors. Can't you find someone more mature?

[girl68]

Insecurity isn't your problem to fix- its hers. I would know I'm a self proclaimed fairly insecure person. I too have been pissed off just for the sake of it. However I am slowing but surely learning what I should/ should not be doing in certain instances. My communication is getting better. My bf stand up for himself, calls me out and basically tells me to take my attitude and kick it out the door or he doesn't want to spend time with me. I learn from that- your girl doesn't. I apologize, yours doesn't. I attempt to not make the exact same mistake over and over, your girl doesn't care about that. I'm in counselling to help my insecurities, your girl is making YOU make her insecure (or she's trying and failing miserably).

I think it's time to sit her down and talk when you're not fighting and lay it all on the table. Something needs to give, you AND her- not just you. If she can't breing herself to admit she's acting like a child and that she needs to work on herself, by herself I don't think you should be with someone who maintains that mindset.

[kats86]

When I'm mad I know I like to left alone. Yes, I get mad but that's how I deal with things.