Boyfriend's Father doesn't support marriage

[celebrian]

Background: Last week my boyfriend of 5 years proposed to me. I'm 23, he's 22. I happily said yes. We met in college, graduated at the same time and have been living together for a year. He's currently pursuing his phd in mathematics, and I'm working as a software engineer. We plan for our engagement to last around 2 years.

Our friends and my family were all extremely happy. Many of them expressed sentiments of "It's about time!".

When my boyfriend called his dad to tell him, though, his dad wasn't very supportive. His dad said things like "Oh, I'm surprised you were even thinking about that right now.", "You're going to get married while still in school?", and proceeded to remind my boyfriend about his (the father's) failed marriage when he was in his 20's. After about 10 minutes of this, he finally gave a grudging "Well, I'm happy if you're happy.".

My boyfriend was somewhat disappointed/angry at this lack of support, although not entirely surprised. His father has expressed the opinion in the past that "Women shouldn't get married until they're 25, and men shouldn't get married until they're 30". His father had also tried to convince my boyfriend on two separate occasions to break up with me, once after we had been dating for about 2 years, and when we graduated.

A few days later my boyfriend called his dad, and his father brought up the fact that my boyfriend had seemed upset the other day. My boyfriend explained how he didn't feel like his father was being supportive, or ever had been. His father denied this. My boyfriend brought up the times his father had tried to convince him to break up with me, and his father said "Well, if you were going to drive into a ditch and I advised you not to, isn't that supporting you?". He also claimed that giving someone advice to do something is not trying to convince them to do it.

Things got somewhat worse from there. My boyfriend of course was somewhat upset that his dad would compare my boyfriend becoming engaged to me to driving into a ditch. Some other things got brought up, like how my boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable when he visits home because of various things (gets scolded for talking about things the father's wife doesn't understand, gets scolded for little things like using two towels instead of one, or leaving a soda can on his own desk, or sleeping in past 8, gets scolded for not vacuuming when he had, but they didn't believe it because there weren't vacuum lines). His father then claimed he didn't feel comfortable visiting us 'because we didn't help carry things when we moved in' (which we did, although we couldn't do as much as he did because his job involves physical labor and we couldn't physically carry as much). At the end my boyfriend's dad was yelling as they argued (my boyfriend's voice was clearly upset, but he wasn't yelling), and my boyfriend ended up hanging up on him.

We're frustrated. We're off on our own, so we don't NEED his approval or support in any way, but he's family and we'd like to have it. Every time my boyfriend tries to convince him otherwise though, his dad will eventually get upset and start yelling (this is not isolated to the issue alone; the father will do this in any argument). We're at a loss for what to do at this point.

[Junket]

It's difficult for men to be passively supportive, especially if they disagree on the subject.

His father loves him, and is looking out for him the best way he knows how, but that doesn't excuse his behavior.

If you guys are still happy about the marriage, the only thing you can do is follow through with it, and live well.

I suspect he's waiting to "see it to believe it".

It could be 10 years before he recognizes the validity of your relationship, but if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.

[John May]

I would give him the cold shoulder.

When marriage arrangements start to happen, he will feel left out and will want to be back into the loop, and will be supportive.

But as right now, just seems like he is jealous of you being happy, and resentful he wasnt able to.

[LailaK]

You can't force other people to support you.

Just tell him that you don't want his negativity affecting your new family and if he can't agree to stop being so negative he won't be apart of it in any kind of big way.

[vashti]

It sounds to me like his dad was simply being practical, and your fiance reacted emotionally. I don't blame ANY parent for not supporting the wedding plans of kids your age. The divorce rate is very high for couple under 30 years old who marry. I would be horrified if my own kids wanted to marry that young. (I advocate marriage at >28 for women, and >30 for men.)

I think you and your boyfriend need to develop the ability to see things from another's perspective. That doesn't mean you have to agree with their opinion, necessarily, but it is silly and juvenile to not recognize that his concerns are valid.

The rest of the bickering sounds like it was just pent up nonsense that was used to distract them from the REAL issue at hand, which is the idea of you guys getting married so young.

[girl68]

The front issue which is advising against marriage- I agree completely and I'm fairly young myself.

[IndiReloaded]

If you get married at 25, don't have children right away. Wait until you are nearly 30 and both into very established careers. By then, if things aren't working out you'll know and you won't be dragging children through the mud.

I don't have as much issue with the age thing. It really depends on the maturity of the couple. If you are already an engineer, then you are done school and probably quite mature. He will be the same when he's done grad school.

As for the father, learn to be patient. A lot can happen in two years. Generally, people who react so strongly are doing it b/c of their issues as much as any concern for his son. What is the status of your own parents marriage? What about your fiance's parents?