Advice for dating unemployed woman?

[Goosio]

Having a difficult week with my girlfriend of one year. She was stressed out this week because she sent out a bunch of resumes and didn't receive any responses. (I told her it's too soon to expect a response. She doesn't believe me, and took this as further indication that she's unemployable.)

A little background: She lost her job shortly before we met, and has been unemployed ever since. It's hard for me to know how hard she has been looking for a job, but my instinct is to say not very hard, because she resists the vast majority of my suggestions and offers to help, insisting that she knows she won't get hired (I tell her she knows nothing of the sort. Doesn't matter to her.) , or that she's already doing what I said (maybe she did once, not regularly) and just basically comes up with a boatload of excuses. She says she wants to be a writer, but is sketchy on just what kind of writing she wants to do. Mostly her current writing seems to entail writing book reviews that pay $10 for hours of work, or watching TV all day and writing up her thoughts for her blog that a handful of her friends read.

If you know anything about writing careers, you know it's extremely hard to get a job in that field, especially now, and there are writers far more experienced than her looking for work.

I am trying to be patient and sympathetic because I love her and I really don't know if I'd fare any better in her situation, as I've never been unemployed. The odds are overwhelming and I don't want to be unfair by demanding she do the impossible. But I think the effort she's giving it is far from her best. She seems to be overwhelmed with fear and prefers not to face it. But while she's busy not facing it, she's running out of money, which means she's in danger of having to move home, 1500 miles away. I have told her not to put me in the position of having to choose between paying her bills and losing her, and she has promised she wouldn't. But that dilemma appears to be growing more inevitable by the day.

Frankly I don't give a crap what kind of job she does as long as she gets one. But she really appears not to want to face it. Most disturbing is I've heard her say more than once she'd rather "freelance" than do a 9-to-5 job. I'd be fine with it if she had work, but she's trying to "freelance" now, and spends the vast majority of her day watching TV and reading instead of looking for work. The last time I confronted her on this, she cried that I don't "believe" in her. I believe she can get a job if she hustles and widens her view of acceptable work, but so far I've seen no indication that she has it in her.

This morning I asked her to email me her resume so I could look it over. I promised her that once I had her resume I wouldn't mention it for the rest of the weekend. I've reminded her a couple of times since then. It is now nearly 5:00 and I am still waiting. This is what I mean when I say I think she doesn't want to face it.

I don't think she's using me for my money, and my friends don't think so either. I love spending time with her but I resent the fact that she is fiddling around while we hurtle toward a potentially relationship-ending crisis.

I want to be compassionate because I know how hard it is to find a job now. But I am going to be furious if she runs out of money before she's sorted this out.

[angel2002]

Well first of all, as long as she doesnt put u in a bad $ position, you dont need to be demanding on anything. Its her life and she is going through a hard thing. You adviced, tried to help, gave her hints, and if she is not following it , its her business. As long as she doesnt put u in a bad position its all u can do. Confronting her, making her cry is just gonna affect her life,( she is gonna feel like crazp as a professional) but your relationsip.
Try to stay out of her decisions, and hope for her to do the best. try to separate her professional life from your love relationship. her self esteem is low and its understandable when you are unemployed. keep on motivating her
Good luck

[Gigabitch]

How extremely tiresome and unattractive.

[Goosio]

. try to separate her professional life from your love relationship. her self esteem is low and its understandable when you are unemployed. keep on motivating her
Good luck

How am I supposed to motivate her when even thinking about looking for work makes her anxious and depressed and defensive? I encourage her when she applies for work, but I know she needs to do much more. I think tough love is what it takes to motivate her, but I don't like being the bad guy, and I definitely don't like dealing with all the tears and hurt feelings. It makes me feel like shit for trying to make her do what's in her best interest.

Ordinarily I do keep her professional life separate from our relationship. But I am afraid they will soon collide. Maybe that's more about my sense of dread and anticipation, I don't know. But at this rate, I don't see a way out for her. If she can't handle sending me her resume, she can't handle her job search.

I pay for EVERYTHING...and haven't complained. But if she starts relying on me for her day-to-day living expenses, that changes everything.

[lovesjoyajm]

Sounds like you are doing everything right. She really needs to shape up. My instinct would be to tell her NOW that this is a dealbreaker for you. I understand that this could hurry the demise of your relationship, but the chance of losing you could jumpstart her better than the distant possibility of running out of money.

[angel2002]

Seems like you are doing everything in you power to help her out, and much more than that. If only the thought of looking for a job is making her feel like that, she is with serious problems.
I understand how you feel, it seems we have another issue here: She is not willing to do whatever it takes to get a new job and make $, at the first place she doesnt want any job, she wants to pick it and when we are unemployed and needing $, we are not in a position to do it.
You're right when you say they will soon colide, and that's how its gonna be; you paying for everything, till she realizes the effort she's been making right now is not enough to change her current situation.
Or she does whatever it takes for things to be better for her profissional life in order to not affect your lives, or you accept this issue and provide for her. Just like it might happen if you guys someday get married and she behaves like that.
There's just too much you can take, and you already showed her your point, so there's nothing else you can do, but hope she understands that life is not like that, and instead of watching tv all day she should be applying and improving her network, to easily get a job chance.
I am sorry but in my opinion, you've done what you had to do.
Just wait to see how the next days are gonna be
Good luck

[oneandonly]

She did send out her resumes so she is making an effort. She just gotta keep on doing that until she finds a job. It's hard but not impossible. It's number games. The more she sends out her resumes the higher chance there will be.

I know a guy, when he was looking for a job, he grabbed yellow pages and sent his CV to all companies on it. Literally. Yes, he got the job. The question is how much is she willing? She doesn't feel desperate enough to force herself. If she is desperate, she wouldn't be thinking about the potential rejection. She will just have to focus on finding one no matter what.

If she has a great talent in writing, that's awesome. That's something she can carry on doing in her own spare time and slowly build whilst working full time. Freelance sounds great but there is the novelty in 9~5 job too.

Make her understand that the least she can do is making an effort by accepting your help with resumes and following it through.

I did this with my ex, working on his CV but then, he was eager to find a job so it wasn't really stressful but rather enjoyable doing together.

[bluesummer]

I lost my job only four months after starting to date my now-fiance. It was embarrassing, and I really didn't want to discuss my job-hunting activities with him.....I didn't want to feel like I was reporting to him like some unemployment officer. I can understand why your gf might not want to include you.

HOWEVER! She really needs to be bringing in her own income. How unfair that you should have to foot the bill for things everytime you're out. Some men are okay with that, but usually they're getting something in return.......someone to stay home and take care of domestic work, or in the case of some men, just a piece of eye-candy or jailbait. Do you really LIKE being her sugar daddy? My experience with men tells me most of them prefer independent women who can pay their own way if necessary. It's much nicer to treat someone rather than feeling OBLIGATED because they aren't pulling their own weight.

Your gf is lazy, and you're not helping. Start telling her you're too cash-strapped to foot the bill anymore. If she really wanted to be with you, she'd tighten up her money situation in ANY WAY POSSIBLE to make sure she didn't have to move back home. If that means working at McDonalds until she can find a job she likes on a more permanent basis, so be it. I lost my job, I couldn't find work for six months and I had to work at frickin Starbucks in the meantime to pay my bills, but it was much less demeaning than asking my man to pay my bills. You do what you've got to do.

I pray you don't cave and start paying her living expenses when her money runs out. She needs to learn a lesson, and you deserve someone who has at least enough ambition to pay their own bills.

[vashti]

You've made several threads like this, all with the same advice, which tells me that although you are concerned about her job status, it isn't really a deal breaker because you love her and continue to stay on with her.

Maybe you should just accept that she is lazy an unmotivated, and needs someone to care for her (when the time comes)? You can consolidate expenses by living with her. Or even marrying her.

[Goosio]

I lost my job only four months after starting to date my now-fiance. It was embarrassing, and I really didn't want to discuss my job-hunting activities with him.....I didn't want to feel like I was reporting to him like some unemployment officer. I can understand why your gf might not want to include you.

HOWEVER! She really needs to be bringing in her own income. How unfair that you should have to foot the bill for things everytime you're out. Some men are okay with that, but usually they're getting something in return.......someone to stay home and take care of domestic work, or in the case of some men, just a piece of eye-candy or jailbait. Do you really LIKE being her sugar daddy? My experience with men tells me most of them prefer independent women who can pay their own way if necessary. It's much nicer to treat someone rather than feeling OBLIGATED because they aren't pulling their own weight.

Your gf is lazy, and you're not helping. Start telling her you're too cash-strapped to foot the bill anymore. If she really wanted to be with you, she'd tighten up her money situation in ANY WAY POSSIBLE to make sure she didn't have to move back home.

Yes, I understand why she might not want to report her career efforts to me, and I don't want to be her parole officer. But I don't know what it's gonna take at this point. FWIW, she said she's not comfortable sharing her resume with me because her resume represents failure to her. (Keep in mind that this is AFTER I told her how much I make. If I can share that, she can share this.) I told her this isn't about judgment, it's about fixing anything that may be wrong with her resume. She just beat herself up some more and whined that she can't write. (She happened to be working on a project when we spoke.)

I hated it when you called me her sugar daddy. But I've been taking her out to meals, even on vacations (she picks up some of the more minor expenses, I still handle the major stuff.) I don't like thinking of it as quid pro quo...I'd be happy with it as long as I thought she was making a good-faith effort to find work. The fact is I do feel obligated to pay as long as she's unemployed.

I would prefer an independent woman and I thought that's what she was. She identifies herself as a feminist, which I'm all for because it means she wants to take care of herself. But so far she's been living on my charity and the government's charity, and she seems comfortable enough with it not to make a serious effort to change that. She certainly seems to be contradicting herself in that regard.

I really need to address the part of myself that feels the need to reward her with meals and nights out and such even as she sits on her ass and collects her (dwindling) unemployment. I was very lonely for a very long time before I met her, and I think that makes it hard for me to contemplate anything that might end the relationship.

[Goosio]

You've made several threads like this, all with the same advice, which tells me that although you are concerned about her job status, it isn't really a deal breaker because you love her and continue to stay on with her.

Maybe you should just accept that she is lazy an unmotivated, and needs someone to care for her (when the time comes)? You can consolidate expenses by living with her. Or even marrying her.

Yes, you're right, I have posted about this before. It is an ongoing issue.

...and what I neglected to mention is that I HAVE made plans to move in with her. And I'm fine with it as long as she pays her half of the rent and bills. How long can she continue to do that? I don't know. She's managed to pay all her own bills so far.

I'm afraid of the day she turns to me and says she can't even handle her half anymore. Yes, as long as I have my job, I CAN afford to support both of us...barely. But I will be livid and resent the hell out of her for putting me in that position when she promised to take care of her own business. I don't know if I'll tell her to get lost when that happens. I hope it never gets to that point. She's great but I've been better to her than she deserves, given her inertia.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't move in with her. She sounds like a loser to me. And more importantly, living with her is going to really annoy you, because you will see her flaws even more closely. Also, you seem to have some controlling tendencies, because you can't let go of this issue. It's frustrating when someone you care about is screwing up, but she is an adult and is responsible for her own actions. It seems like you want to move in with her so you can force the issue, to make her problem also your problem. I predict that will end badly. Let her do her own job search, even if badly. If it really, really bothers you that she doesn't seem to be trying, then you need to acknowledge that she just might not be the right one for you.

A couple of years ago, I struggled with a similar situation. My girlfriend lost her full-time job, and was only working a few shifts a week at a part-time job. That's okay, a lot of people ran into employment issues around that time. But after just a few weeks of looking for a new job, she gave up and got depressed. She spent most of her time at our place just playing computer games and watching anime online. After a couple of months of trying to get her motivated again, I finally confronted her. I told her that she was wasting her life and needed to pull together and do something, anything. And I told her that I missed the dynamic version of her that I fell in love with years earlier.

She was mad at me. But she realized that I was right. The job market was (and still is) bad, so she decided to start taking college classes again, to finish getting her undergrad degree. After two more semesters, she will have her degree, and the job market might even be better then. I'm supporting her now, and I am at peace with my decision to support her until she is finished with law school and has paid off her student loans. For her part, she will only go to law school if she has a scholarship, because it would be useful but not crucial to her intended career. She already has $30K in student loan debt and doesn't want to take on more after getting her bachelors degree.

But that might not work in your situation. Your girlfriend has been unemployed for over a year, and seems too comfortable with that situation, remaining picky about the jobs she will go after. Even though you resent it, you are enabling her to get by okay without working much, and she might be getting used to that. If you're looking for an equal partner, you might have to keep looking.

[Goosio]

Well I just had the Talk with her a few hours ago, and I still don't know how it went. She is in the other room sniffling, and when I went in there a minute ago, she looked at me like I'd just killed her cat. I'm angry that she holds this against me, though I understand why her feelings are hurt. I used stronger language this time around, including telling her that part of me is afraid I'm making a mistake by moving in with her. I could tell that really hurt her, but I hope she takes it in the spirit in which it's given, meaning she needs to get off her ass and find work. She finally showed me her resume - I think just to shut me up. But what disturbs me is why it was so hard for her to do that in the first place. Her resume is her public, professional face. If she's too ashamed to show it to me, she's ashamed to show it to recruiters, too. It would help explain why she has 80 excuses every time I send her a wanted ad to apply to. (FWIW, her resume looks pretty good but there are a couple of ways I think it can be improved.)
I told her I value our relationship and that is why I am afraid...I told her that if she runs out of money, I will tell her I won't pick up her expenses. Or, I WILL pick up her expenses, and resent the hell out of it.
She told me she has been avoiding looking for work because it makes her so agitated. I'm not going to pretend I don't understand that, but I don't think that approach is serving her well. She said things along the lines of "What do you want me to do?" and "I don't know what to say." She said she applied for 8 jobs last week...which is good. But it's more than she usually does, and sending out a single resume per day isn't exactly a blistering pace.
So now she's in the other room stewing, and I'm in the bedroom hoping that after she's thought it through she will see that I want what's best for both of us, and that she needs to treat her job hunt with greater urgency. I guess the ball's in her court now.

[VincenzoG91]

You're doing as much as you can. Now it's on her to do the rest. Good luck to both of you.

[lahnnabell]

I am in agreement with everyone else.

I'm pretty sure this woman was planning on just letting things run its course and hope that you would selflessly just pick up her expenses if you were faced with losing her. However, if it came down to that, losing her would be the least of your worries. I'm glad you finally put your foot down and said what needed to be said.

You can help her by sending her job listings and postings. Offer help with her cover letters and resumes, but don't keep pushing her. That is tiresome and irritating for you when I'm sure you have plenty of other things that require your attention. Stop coddling and indulging her. Oh, and you should stop going out so much. Conserve your funds and do more activities that don't require money. Cook dinner together, go for walks, go outside and play catch or something. Remind her that you're on her side by injecting some positivity into the relationship.