I'm back...with an update, some truths, and my tail between my legs

[crawley]

Hey guys,

I don't expect you'll remember me, so here was my first (and last) post on here:

loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/41195-need-help-were-driving-each-other-crazy.html#post580190

(sorry, can't post as a link as my post count is not 15 yet)

Firstly, my tail between my legs...I'm sorry I didn't stick at the forum. You all gave me very honest answers, and sometimes the truth is a very bitter pill to swallow.

Next, some truths which I didn't let out on my previous posts. I hope you can understand why. As I mentioned, there is a large age gap with me and my bf, and with a rather disapproving ring of family (you can't choose your family) we made a mutual decision to keep the relationship secret in the early stages, just in case it wasn't serious. Not to mention he was also a family friend so a lot at stake.

As time passed and we got comfortable, the truth has never come out, and although people suspect it, we remain hidden, saying we are just great friends. All this in a now 6 YEAR RELATIONSHIP! It's crazy. But when do you let the truth out?

So, the girl in my previous post, she DID NOT know my bf was actually spoken for. He didn't help the situation by acting like he wasn't though!

We had so many arguments over the girl, till eventually she moved workplace (not because of us though). I really thought everything would settle down and get back to normal.

But it hasn't. It really hasn't.

Since then, he has admitted he will do things differently with other girls (begrudgingly, I might add). He is very much of the mindset that he can't control what other people think, feel, say about him, but I tell him whilst he can't control it he certainly does have influence over it!

I'm so incredibly jealous of ANY other half-attractive woman he speaks to, in his charming and entertaining manner. It's like a swell of frustration just gathers inside me. The industry that we're in is heavily dominated by women, so they are ALWAYS around.

I stop at his house a lot, and we haven't had sex regularly for as long as I remember. But we're both very busy people, that's what I put it down to. When I think about it though, when we first met, we had adventurous, regular sex - it was brilliant. But before that girl ever came into the picture, that slowed and I guess now I just think it's normal. Is it normal?

This morning we were searching for something on his phone on the internet, and one of the phrases that popped up on his previous searches was 'erotic audio'. My heart sank.

It's not just that we're busy, he doesn't find me attractive anymore. And his story changes. At first he said it was Google, then he said he'd only come across it by 'accident', then when I cam to look at it later he had the nerve to tell me if I look at it i will get computer viruses! As if to scaremonger me away from seeing what he's up to.

Now, I'll just add, at this point, I have asked about watching porn together before, and he said he wasn't up for it. I know a guy has certain needs, but he won't even let me come close to even starting to fulfill his. He says it's his business what he does on the net (there's the bitter pill again, but I do agree with him) but I said it matters to me because it means I'm not attractive to him anymore. He could f**k the real thing, I'm right here, but he doesn't want it.

Do you want one last spanner in the works? As we're secret, I have NO ONE to speak to except him. None of my friends even know, for fear of other people knowing. So I am totally alone in dealing with my potential break up.

Also, not only do we work together, we share the same hobby, which means there would be no getting away from him. Even if I never come round to his house again, I am regularly going to have to see him in both work and play - with other girls I might add.

This is the longest relationship I've been in. I imagine when people break up, it's best to have no contact with their ex for a while, till the hurt is gone.

But I can't even have that. I can't have space to get over him.

We are entirely stuck together.

In secret.

In a complete and utter mess.

It's the true to life version of 'Can't live with him, can't live without him'.

Please help me.

[vashti]

I think you should quit allowing this relationship to be a secret. You are going to need your family's support once you unload him, and you don't need for him to be invited to family functions.

Also, I think you should find a new job.

You mentioned in your first thread that he is a trainer.... Is this guy a personal trainer? I remember reading once that personal trainers are the biggest liars out of any profession. The reason I remember reading this so clearly is because my dirtbag brother-in-law was a personal trainer, and also a HUGE liar. I've never trusted personal trainers since.

[hello1]

You need to start working out a break out strategy in this relationship. I think everyone should have somewhere to go and be able to leave if a relationship not working out. Get in close with your family again, you say he is a family friend and I wonder how big the age difference is? was he friends with your mother and father? You just need an exit route

[xxazurexx]

So why if you failed to listen to advice before, would you listen to it this time?

[IncognitoSir]

So why if you failed to listen to advice before, would you listen to it this time?

She's up against the wall xxazurexx, and at the end of her rope. Your only hope of making it thru this situation is to seek out either your friends or your family for emotional support. You have some tough decisions to make. Including your job. Dont allow this ordeal to consume your life any longer. Time to make a move, for yourself.

[crawley]

Thanks for your replies guys. It's so good to think there are people I can tell about my situation, people I can vent my frustration to. Thank you.

About bringing it out in the open, I sometimes wonder what if we break up shortly after anyway, letting the truth out was all for nothing - and probably caused arguments with my family too.

It goes in cycles, like this evening I feel better about my 'ordeal' than I did this morning, but tomorrow, next week, next month, it'll all come crashing down again. Probably when the green eyed monster in me rears it's ungly head about another girl.

That's where I wonder if it's my fault. You know, would he actually cheat? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Or am I entitled to voice my thoughts about him flirting with other girls? Or am I trying to control him too much there?

These are all the questions I would speak about with my friends, if only they knew. But they don't, and I'm scared of telling them because this has been going on for so long now.

xxazurexx, I understand what you're saying and I appreciate your sobering answer, but I really am stuck. It's going to upheave my world if I break up with him - family, hobbies, work, everything. I'll never put all my eggs in one basket again.

And then sometimes, it feels bearable. But there's always that doubt in the back of my mind that says, this is just a script we're running through. Good morning kiss, goodnight kiss, breakfast, dinner, text messages. I'm sure you know what I mean when you find yourself just trundling along, not particularly unhappy but not satisfied at the same time.

It's all so confusing.

[xxazurexx]

My world was upheaved too and when my ex H walked out of our 10 year marriage, leaving me with a child and in a very bad financial situation - I still managed to get through it and pick up the pieces.