Am I overreacting?

[13_shopaholic]

My boyfriend is 30 and I am in my mid-twenties. My boyfriend talks to his friends (that are girls) by saying things like “hey babe” “hey gorgeous”. This is how he talks to them over BBM (blackberry messenger) or talking on MSN. I once saw that he said to one of his “girl”friends “Am I missed?” while we where on vacation together. I also saw once that he said “is this going to get me laid?” to one of his friends after she thanked him for doing her a favor. When I confronted him he said it was a joke. I TOTALLY trust him. I know that he would NEVER cheat on me. He was single for a very very long time. Im his girlfriend after 5 years of him being single. He said he’s talked to his “girl”friends like this for a really long time and it’s going to take some time to change it. He said he will change. I said that if I’d never have looked at those conversations I would’ve never known this was happening and it would’ve continued to happen. We’ve been together for 2 years. I told him that this should’ve changed a really long time ago, its common sense that you don’t talk to people like this when you’re in a relationship. It shouldn’t take me having to tell him to change it. He should know himself…

After seeing these conversations, I’ve become extremely insecure about our relationship. I trust him but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Am I over-reacting? Is this normal for a guy??

[IncognitoSir]

Well clearly you dont trust him or else it wouldnt be an issue. I wouldnt trust him either though and yeah, that's a deal breaker for me. I'd never stand for my SO talking like that to members of the opposite sex. Totally uncalled for and in a 2 year relationship I wouldnt stand for it. You need to let him know this is not OK with you. So what he's been single for 5 years etc. He's not single anymore and being 30 years old surely he realizes that a lot of things change once you're involved with someone compared to the single life.

[alovehangoverr]

You're right.. it is common sense.

You're also right in the fact that he should have stopped this YEARS ago after initially getting in a relationship with you.

You're right again in the fact that if you wouldn't have seen these conversations he never would have told you.

My guess? He loves the attention.. but there's a line between "harmless flirting" and "being inappropriate".

Bringing sexual innuendo into a conversation is inappropriate. Is it normal? I'd say no-- usually when people are in a committed relationship they don't need that sort of attention from others. It's bordering on emotional cheating.. seeking fulfillment from others outside of your partner.

I'd be worried & insecure too. Are you sure the conversations are all that happened? Were pics exchanged?

[QueenofCorona]

P-eeew. He sounds cheesy and sleezy.

He's not only dissing you but acting disrespectful towards his "girl friends" as well. Time to get rid of the attention starved playboy wanna-be who doesn't know how to speak to any woman.

[13_shopaholic]

I've let him know it not OK with me and he said hes going to change. But that doesn't change the way I feel.. very insecure right now. How am I suppose to know that hes changed? I just really dont know how to take this further? I dont want to bring it up with him again. But i also dont want to let him think I am over it because i'm clearly not!

[13_shopaholic]

Thank you for your reply... Get rid of him? Really? I did not even think of that!? I've invested a lot into this two year relationship. I don't think I would get "rid" of him for this. I'm just looking for advice on how to take it further..

[alovehangoverr]

Well, what would make you feel better? What is he willing to do to prove to you that he's not continuing this behavior?

When something like this happens it's better to give it time to get over those feelings of insecurity & trust issues.

[xxazurexx]

I TOTALLY trust him. I know that he would NEVER cheat on me.

Yeah, I'd thought that too. Don't we all say this and until they actually cheat....LOL

You can't predict anything in life, other than death and taxes....sorry

What you can do, is to take notice of 'red flags', the warning signs and act on them.

If your 2 year relationship meant as much to him, as it does to you...he'd quit this behaviour.

And just because you have invested 2 years on a guy, is no reason to remain and continue taking his shit!!!

You deserve all you get otherwise.

[Mish]

Have you asked him why he says those things?

[13_shopaholic]

Yes, I have asked him why he's said those things... he said it was a joke.

And regarding the calling his "girl" friends "babe" and "gorgeous" he said he always talks to his friends like that. He does with me... but on occasion, not all the time... How do you all feel about that? Would it be okay with you if your bf was addressing his friends like that??

[Mish]

And regarding the calling his "girl" friends "babe" and "gorgeous" he said he always talks to his friends like that.

Ask him to prove it. Get him to call his guy friends and prove that he really does refer to his friends as gorgeous and babe.

[jessZ]

NO WAY would I put up with that shit!!! The fact that you've raised it as a concern and he simply dismisses it as something he had always done is concerning. You are not being heard at all. Healthy relationships involve give and take, and working through issues together. He won't even acknowledge that you have an issue.

[inSearchOf]

Trust your instincts. If he's messing around behind your back, it won't stay a secret forever. Guys are sneaky...it's not all that hard to convince a girl she's the only one. If I was you, I'd slap his ass. Anyway, if you're still not sure, snoop on him. Check his phone when he's not around...if he's not messing around then you won't find anything strange. Don't just ask him though, make sure for yourself, don't be that stupid girl.

[TheTooya]

He sounds like a waste of time IMO, if I were you I would dump him if he continues to show his lack of respect for your feelings.

[silencer230]

Hey as I guy I see two things happening here. First of all you never trusted him because if you did you would have never looked through his phone. The other thing is that you've been playing this all wrong. When you told him that you went through his phone you let him know that he has you wrapped around his fingers. You gave him the power that he has been craving. In relationships going through people's things and spying on one another is a sign of weakness even though it's sometimes necessary. That's why if you ever do go through his things and find out that your BF or husband is doing things like this you either leave or plan your next move. If you choose to leave you don't give them a reason you just go. The reason why you left will drive him crazy and he'll end up trying to get back with you which is the perfect revenge! I'm a guy and I don't buy that "O that's the way I talk to my friends crap".He is a very insecure man because he feels like whoever he is with needs to see that he is desired by other woman. He wants you to compete for his attention and love. He wants to make it seem like he's the one that's a good catch and you are just one of the many girls out there begging him for his attention. I'm not going to tell you what to do because I'm not in your relationship, but I'm going to recommend something for you to read. If you get a chance go to the book store and pick up the 48 laws of power.