It's Been Almost Two Years

[Twoface]

So I'm 19 and my girlfriend and i of almost two years are having problems/issues. Shes 19 too.

This is going to be really hard to explain but i'll try to keep it as short and concise as possible.

It seems as though my girlfriend is very childish and I'm not sure if she'll ever grow up. Here's why.

She has communication problems. She has a SUPER hard time telling me what's on her mind. Most of the time all i get is "its just......i dont know." So what am i supposed to accomplish when sometimes i'm trying to actually care about her feelings and pay attention but all i get is that?

She has an extreme need for attention. it's almost impossible for us to be in the same house and doing different things. She doesnt have hobby's and finds herself just wanting me to entertain & be with her 100% of the time. I love being around her, dont get me wrong, but is it so hard for us to be together in the same area but not actually do the same things? It's almost like she's a neglected child and if im not around her and paying attention to her, she gets angry and will start fights just to get some attention. Although we have a few times successfully pulled this off, but usually it doesnt work and we dont try it. (IE: after i get home from an 8 hour work day, i want to be with her....but also i want to play some games. Is that wrong/too much to ask for?)

She actually does act childish. You know how some couples have a little "talk" they do with each other and only do? Well "ours" i guess is a toddler voice. Except I rarely do it and it's come to the point where i HATE when she does it. The reason for this is, is because she's gone waay overboard with the "talk" and it's sort of blended in with her personality now. When she's happy, she jumps up and down and talks like a child. When she's explaining something to me, it's in a child voice. It's like sometimes i feel like her father... Just trying to bear this is really stressful on me. And before you ask, YES i HAVE told her i dont like it. But she says "what voice? thats just me." No, it's not. When i met her, she never did this. I suppose this developed after she got a job at a day care being around kids all day. I love her to death, but how am i supposed to be intimate with her when i give my best effort, and all i get is this "talk." Well i can tell you it turns me off in a flash. Wouldnt it you? I need a mature girl who acts her age and actually turns me on instead of acting like a child. Will she ever become this? Also, she tells me she wants me to be romantic. Well its damn hard to be when i try to be but all i get is this child voice. It makes me think she's a child. I really cannot stand it.

The next thing i have a hard time bearing is the fact that she is so damn stubborn, with everything. She won't change, and doesnt want to. She doesnt give an effort to improve on herself at ALL. It's like shes living in a fantasy land, again like a child. You know how children basically live in a fantasy world and have no clue whats going on around them? Well yea, it's sort of like that. Shes not very down to earth and i find myself preaching to her about almost everything when i wish i didnt have to.(Example: one time in our neighborhood, which is a very good one, there was about 30 cops responding to a hostage situation where a woman went nuts and had a gun. You know what my girlfriend said to me? "Whoa...baby this is scary, this is real!" She insisted i get down in my car so i didnt get shot when even though she knew the woman was about half a mile away and in her house, around a huge hill, and in front of 30 or more cops.....I didnt like hearing that, it just reminded me that she is not down to earth. Also, when i give her a suggestion on something, anything really, she wont give me a damn piece of credit and take it into consideration. I dunno, maybe thats just girls? But it drives me nuts. Although i have gotten over that fact, the fact that she wants to do things HER way, sure...fine by me, but when you hold the knife like it's a pencil and dont grasp it properly and end up cutting yourself, dont expect me to come to your aid. (Except i will because i have a heart.) Also i said that knife thing because she can't cook. I do most of the cooking. She just sits around not really doing anything because she doesnt want to. What is that about? I need a woman who can at least cook me a meal when i dont feel like cooking. Is that too wrong to ask?

Another thing which is pretty big on my list is the fact that she is very unfair. Usually when we have fights, because she can never say whats on her mind because she's so cluttered, i do all the talking. "Do you not like it when i do this or this?" pretty much like that. it gets annoying how i have to try SO HARD to understand what the problem is. She won't tell me and makes things up. For example. After two years, a week ago i tried not paying so much attention to her which she demanded, she tells me "i dont feel the love" So i say "really? You dont feel the love? You dont think for one second that we've been together for two years and your telling me you dont feel the love?" Sure it's possible shes falling out of love with me. but thats not what's happening, and i would know, I know people and can see through people very well. She just feels a lack of attention and feels like im ignoring her and dont love her anymore. Which is NOT the case at all, i just want to get some things done that i wanted to do. Why should i have to put my life on hold so we can watch tv all day and really kind of just waste our time. Back on topic, it's unfair how I have to try so very hard at figuring problems out and solving the fights. i tell you people, with all honesty, if i wasnt so giving and caring, and a damn good problem solver, this relationship would have gone out of the window from month 1. It's like i put in all the effort in this relationship.

And in addition, which really gets my blood boiling is the fact that she never admits when she's in the wrong. So basically 99% of our fights we have are 1. Me solving them and getting things back on track before they get out of hand and 2. because i always man up and just say sorry, even when i know it wasnt my fault. Because i love her very much and would rather enjoy the time we spend together than fight like animals. I know this is like Being-a-man-101 and have owned up to it. But ultimately what gets me super angry is that when she IS actually wrong, like if she did something that made me upset, she won't say sorry. It's like impossible for her to! One time i gave it a test and when she did something that got me really mad, i waited and waited for her to say sorry, just to see how long it would take. You know what ended up happening? she didnt say sorry until i brought the issue up. i say this: "After all this time, after all you did and saw me get angry...you still havent said sorry?" she replies "baby im sorry" but not in the tone you would expect. It's like she says sorry just to shut me up....which makes me even more mad that she doesnt give a damn bit of effort to say sorry when 99% of our fights are me saying sorry and owning up just because i'm a man. Am i being unreasonable here? Is it bad for me to expect her to say sorry? Not like sorries fix everything, it's the fact that she wont admit when she's wrong. Drives me insane.

I also have a super hard time telling her like it is. I have to beat around the bush 100% of the time. And NO i'm not exaggerating. She cannot handle the truth. She cannot handle things when i tell them to her. She immediately starts crying and i feel bad for what i've done (wouldn't you?) and just drop it right there. So i end up not telling her, or pretty much getting over what i was trying to explain to her and living with it. I dont know if i can keep doing this. I know for a fact that if this kept repeating itself, the crying...the lack of communication she doesnt give me or cant...we wont last.


I know i've been pretty much pointing out all her flaws right here in this thread. It has actually made me feel really bad that i'm doing it and the only reason i AM doing it is to possibly save our relationship before it gets to the point of no return (marriage). And i know i'm not perfect either. I know for a fact i'm probably a really hard boyfriend to put up with and i try very hard to improve on myself constantly. i believe you cannot improve overall in life until you've improved on yourself first. And this just doesnt seem to have any effect on her. i change when she does actually tell me something, but when i ask her to do something differently, i dont get any results close to what i expect. Do i have abnormally high standards? Am i expecting too much from a 19 year-old girl? I would that i'm not. I'm trying to grow and mature (maybe faster than most, i've always been that way) and it doesnt seem like she can keep up. It might get to the point where i dont even see her as my girlfriend due to the fact that she acts so immature. Of course I act immature at times too, but the times when i expect her, or even ask her to be serious and stop doing that damn child voice, she doesnt. Or maybe she will for a day or two, but it wont be because i asked her to, it'll be in resentment and in spite because i asked her to do to. See what i mean?

Please if you have anything to say at all, and i mean at all, please do. At this point, i NEED some third party opinions. Am i too judgmental? Am i being too hard on her? Am i expecting too much of her? Am i being silly and should stop acting like im older than i am? (which is hard when you land an IT intern position like i did, i work with corporate staff all day and have to be the utmost mature and professional, it kind of sticks with me even after work) I really would like some advice on what i should do, or not do. I just want a girl who can keep up with my pace and at least understand what im trying to say without the first reaction of getting mad or crying. Is this too much to ask? Do you think my girlfriend will become this, and she just needs time to mature? If it is, i can wait, but i'm not risking the expectations of her changing and it possibly ends up that she doesnt change and stays like this. i dont know if i could be with her long-term.

Again, please give me your opinions, i look forward to hearing them. If you hate me, please say so. Looking back on what i wrote it does seem like i have high standards. And maybe I do, but if the girl i'm with doesnt seem to want to even try to keep up......what should i do?

Thank you for reading all my text and sorry for have taken up a fraction of your life when you don't even know me. (not sarcasm)

[Kaius]

Easy to explain. I'll save you the trouble of trying to figure things out.
You guys are both too young to be in a serious relationship.
It's like kids trying to do adult stuff. It's difficult.
I've been there, and now 17 years later, I wish I'd just enjoyed my youth
and didn't get so tangled up. No one should expect mature behaviors at your age.
Just don't worry.... and do whatever. Break up. Be friends. There is no right or wrong at your age.

[Twoface]

I suppose your right, but I dont think were too young for a serious relationship. Just too young to be worried about these things. Thanks for your help.

[l_girl]

I don't know what to say other then you guys are at different stages in your life even though you are the same age. You cannot change a person unless that person is willing to change for you. Ask your gf point blank if she's willing to change, if you're worth it for her to change then give her a chance if she's willing (I'm a hopeless romantic at heart ). You really do not want to just hope she will change one day as you will 'sigh' be in my situation where 6.5 years later finally gave my fiancee a ultimatum where I can't tolerate his crap anymore. Make sure you nip this in the bud before it gets worse and compromise a bit of yourself. You get more emotionally invested the longer the relationship is and the more mental power it takes to leave a longer relationship. This is all the advice I can offer.

[Twoface]

Thank you for your advice l_girl, i appreciate it a lot. I will take this into consideration and possibly bring it up. As you know though, it's very tough speaking straight with her. She may feel like I'm trying to break up with her, or thinking about it. It may cause a lot of stress for the both of us. But if that's what I have to do to let her know how I feel, then that's what I'll do.

[lilxcutie53]

Omg you sound just like me..except i'm the girl in the situation..I defiantly feel for you! Just put your foot down and tell her that you dont know how long the relationship is going to last with her acting like that

[l_girl]

Thank you for your advice l_girl, i appreciate it a lot. I will take this into consideration and possibly bring it up. As you know though, it's very tough speaking straight with her. She may feel like I'm trying to break up with her, or thinking about it. It may cause a lot of stress for the both of us. But if that's what I have to do to let her know how I feel, then that's what I'll do.

I think you'll have to do it to be emotionally healthy. Trust me when I say that problems don't really go away but just sweeped under the rug type of thing. You two really need to have a heart to heart and really pour your hearts out. Let her tell you what she hates about you and what you hate about her. To grow as an individual or as a couple you need to be able to talk to each other and respect each other. Man...I wish somebody said this to me 6.5 years ago. 'sigh' (sorry, still got the depressed blues from my messed up relationship).

[Twoface]

Omg you sound just like me..except i'm the girl in the situation..I defiantly feel for you! Just put your foot down and tell her that you dont know how long the relationship is going to last with her acting like that

Yea I think it may come to that if nothing changes and she doesnt seem to be maturing. Thank you for your advice.

@l_girl - I believe what you're saying. I know all about this "swept under the rug" scenario. I know if we had a heart to heart, she would say she doesn't like how i'm always in a shitty mood. Well the reason i'm usually in a shitty mood is because im dissapointed in her because she acts like a child and to be honest ( i dont like kids ). I don't know if she will be able to change that drastically. Its gotten to the point where it's like her personality now. Can people change that much?

Thank you both for your advice.

[RdHrshyKss]

you guys are still pretty young and i'm sure she's still trying to figure herself out, so yes, it is possible for people to change that much. from the way you described her, she sounds like a very insecure girl who acts the way she does to gain attention from you. she cries whenever you try being straightforward with her because it gets her sympathy from you and avoids confrontation. if she cries, you stop complaining and she can go back to doing whatever she was doing. you definitely need to sit her down and talk to her. tell her how you feel about the way she behaves. if she starts to cry, tell her that there is nothing for her to be crying about, that you care about her and love her, but that she needs to listen to your concerns and work on her communication. explain that communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and that you feel like you guys have a lot of work to do in that department. that her talking like a child aggravates you and makes it difficult for you to be intimate with her. tell her that you are looking for an equal partner, not a child to take care of. explain all the things that you explained to us here (in a calm/rational/sensitive way) and see what happens. if she reverts back to behaving the way she always does to avoid confrontation then i would say that you guys are just not right for each other. you are a bit mature for your age and she has a lot of growing up to do. you might be better off breaking things off with her and being on your own for awhile. she sounds like the kind of person who won't be willing to listen until you're gone. she controls you and every situation with the way she behaves...and since you've let her do this for 2 years, i don't see her up and changing anytime soon. you should really consider moving on.

[Twoface]

wow i had to read that twice to soak it all in! I understand exactly what your saying and really feel like this is what i have to do. Although the thought of making her cry makes me feel sick. I think maybe this weekend ill have a talk with her. I dont see any other options other than confrontation.

thank you very much for your time and advice. it means a lot to me.

[Junket]

I don't even have to read a word of your post to know that you guys are simply too young.

It's not necessarily that you're too young for this kind of relationship, it's the inevitable fact that you both will do a lot of changing in the coming years.

It sucks, I know, but trying to keep this relationship will be like trying to hang onto a wild bull.

None of this means you two will never be together in the future, maybe your paths will cross again, or maybe you'll find someone new, and they won't.

It's just the way life goes.

[girl68]

I think you should show her your post.

She acts like a little girl becasue so far she's had nothing but success acting like one. So start standing up for yourself and stop taking her shit.

[Twoface]

I think you should show her your post.

She acts like a little girl becasue so far she's had nothing but success acting like one. So start standing up for yourself and stop taking her shit.

That doesnt sound unreasonable. I suppose at some point i should at least show her the comments i got as well. I really just dont want her to take it the wrong way and break her heart, she may feel like im attacking her.

Thankyou for your advice and i may just show this to her instead of reciting everything from memory. Maybe ill edit it a little though because some things i said were just so people could understand where i was coming from.

[girl68]

If she's what you describe she will FOR SURE not react well to any of this that much I promise.

[RdHrshyKss]

no, she won't take it well at all, but if this is what you are feeling you need to get it out and let her know. you can't tip toe around her feelings forever. she acts the way she does because she knows that's how she can control the situation. in her world, everything revolves around her, and you have allowed this to happen by conforming to her behavior for the past 2 years. if she can't listen to you and allow you to express your feelings without getting emotional and making it all about her, then again, she just isn't mature enough to handle the type of relationship you are looking for. you need to be able to communicate how you feel to her without feeling like you are attacking her. you are there for her emotionally, by being considerate of her feelings and by trying to actively change things that you know bother her etc...she should be doing the same for you. but she isn't because she knows that if she throws a crying fit, you'll feel bad and she'll get what she wants anyway (a very childish type of mentality). there is no incentive for her to do anything differently. the incentive you should give her is the following..."if things don't change, i'm out."

if that doesn't light a fire under her ass to at least start acknowledging your concerns (which she should be doing already anyway as your girlfriend), then you really are better off without her. less stress, less hassle, and more time to find someone that you are actually compatible with.