Why do I want to go back??

[brokenhe@rted]

I am new here and it's nearly 2am and I have work in the morning so must get to sleep but I haven't been able to sleep for the last week because I can't stop thinking about getting back with my ex.

We were together nearly 4 years. He is an alcoholic and I am a stubborn moody woman. We officially broke up in feb and I haven't spoken to him for 2 months (I have seen him though) towards the end of the relationship I had caught him chatting to girls online (but he said it was also men) that he just wanted to talk to them, which as usual I took personally and I had taken to hitting him which is why I left.

He drinks because he has had a very hard life, I didn't really pay attention to how hard things must be for him to cope with as he's good at hiding his feelings and I suppose I always thought I was making excuses for his behaviour. I have been major depressed for as long as I can remember but now I seem to have come out of it. I feel so happy and confident (it's weird) that was up until 3 weeks ago when my mum said she'd seen him and he had mentioned about another girl liking his hair as well and well she told me... I was shocked at my reaction to it, I was very hurt. I haven't been able to think about being with anybody else and here he was.. So he was on my mind for a few days and then we have a lot of mutual friends so they always (inconsiderately I might add) ask me if I've seen or spoke to him... errm still 2 months later NO! I went on holiday last week and couldn't rest or sleep at all as he was on my mind and I had quite a few dreams about him so I spent a lot of time analysing it and have come to the conclusion I am not in love with him any more but I love him and I am seriously grieving for our future. I haven't felt like this since we first broke up but I think the half of my mind screaming leave him had a lot to do with me being seriously angry with him for his alcohol related behaviour and his lies to me.

I look at the way my parents ended and the way they were vile to each other for most of the time. I make a huge point of trying to avoid doing that but on reflection was still really awful to him. It was always about what he did hurt my feelings and made him feel really bad about whatever it was bringing him down. Never thought to stop and work out why he did it in the first place and nag him a hell of a lot less so he felt like he could turn to me without wondering if I was going to be annoyed at him. His parents were the complete opposite to mine, they would pretend things never happened and his dad was an alcoholic too. Which is where I got so frustrated with him for he's been on the receiving end of it all. I sometimes think he was messing with me doing things on purpose to annoy me, if it was a game though I was just as much to blame, it takes 2 to play.

I want to have him back in my life, not even a relationship at first just as mates (cos we were great at that), I would just love to tell him all that I've been thinking about over the last week and see if we still have a chance to save our future. Thing is I said a really horrid thing to him one of the last times we spoke and he refuses to talk to me now. I want to change and be the calm understanding person I am with others and not let him push my buttons. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I want to be 100% sure before going back that I'm doing the right thing or am I just flogging a dead horse??

I'm sorry that this probably doesn't have much structure to it but I need to get this off my chest before trying to sleep again.

Thanks

[SirWagginston]

You want to go back because he was willing to put up with a lot of crap from you--more than most men will. The things you have said and done to him were probably very bad for his mental health; you just didn't notice because he kept that pain to himself, which is self destructive. As soon as he finds someone who is nice to him, he will never take you back, again. I think you're scared because you realize that he might have found such a woman, or else is bound to eventually, and that makes you obsolete. After all, if nicer girls exist, what incentive is there to be with you? The only way to regain your self esteem is to work on your personal problems and prove that you have changed in a new relationship with someone else.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah, this is your opportunity to become a better person in light of what has happened and what you have gone through. It's only been 2 months. That's not a long time at all and there is no set timetable. You can't eat or sleep without him. So you WANT TO BE FRIENDS? Bad move, and I'll tell you why: you feel like you can't live without him and that you need him to receive some kind of normalcy? So you are soooo happy right now and can't even stomach a meal? Doesn't sound like much happiness to me. Maybe you are telling yourself this, and I'm sure in some way you are happy to be on your own, but you have to be completely happy with yourself and on your own. You aren't and you got some work to do. So do it.

You are an incredibly stubborn person? So stop being stubborn. Start instituting less stubborn actions in your everyday life. You hit people when you are emotional? Learn to control yourself. You can think of a million reasons to why you act like this, but THEY ARE NOT excuses. Same with his drinking. If he just learned to deal without damaging himself and his health, he would be much better off. It's a cop out though. It's a cop out to hide behind reasons like you are too stubborn to justify your actions. They don't justify it and you are wrong.

You don't need anybody in your life to be happy. You should want them in your life to enhance your happiness. If you are unhappy with being on your own, you will never be happy with being with somebody else. Now's the time to work on yourself and fix those glaring flaws. They can be fixed and they will take a serious conscious effort. Use this time to enhance yourself, being working out to be healthy, pursuing advancement in jobs and school, and finding things that make you happy for your mental health. You can't help how you feel, you can't help to think about him, but you can put your best effort in moving forward and doing things for you.

You can do it. So do it. No excuses.

[Mathias]

He doesn't drink because he's had a hard life. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. Get him some help - please.

[brokenhe@rted]

He did put up with a lot of crap from me, but I put up with a lot of crap with him. It wasn't always like that though the first 3 years we were very happy until 2 violent deaths then we went through which is when things started going seriously wrong. We were friends for a year before we got together and I have never met anybody like him, and I doubt I will again. I would be happy if I knew he was happy, he was doing really well with his sobriety before we broke up and now I know he's drinking again. I found some stuff he'd written in a journal which has made me realise that even though I was trying to help and steer him right that I was a complete cow. I am a good person, there was 3 occasions when I hit him and 2 of them were right at the end which is why I left, I didn't want to be that person and I didn't have the strength to help him. Anyway like I said I read a lot of personal things he'd written and it just clicked where I'd been going wrong and want to try putting it right and now that we've had time apart hopefully make it work. My self esteem is fine btw...

[brokenhe@rted]

Yeah, this is your opportunity to become a better person in light of what has happened and what you have gone through. It's only been 2 months. That's not a long time at all and there is no set timetable. You can't eat or sleep without him. So you WANT TO BE FRIENDS? Bad move, and I'll tell you why: you feel like you can't live without him and that you need him to receive some kind of normalcy? So you are soooo happy right now and can't even stomach a meal? Doesn't sound like much happiness to me. Maybe you are telling yourself this, and I'm sure in some way you are happy to be on your own, but you have to be completely happy with yourself and on your own. You aren't and you got some work to do. So do it.

He is on a self destruct path and I believe he will be dead within this year, I will also be leaving next year so there is a sense of urgency. I know the not sleeping or eating is because I don't think I'd be able to cope if anything happened to him. I have been fine in the last 5 months about us not being together, but I never realised at what a huge part I played in the breakdown of our relationship and although I was always trying to help him never did. I don't suppose you can have 2 people in a relationship with their own problems and it end well. I am off all my meds and have been in a great mood apart from not sleeping this week and not eating since I realised I want him back, which is another reason why I want to sort it asap because I don't want it dragging me down again. I could be on my own forever it doesn't faze me at all, I wouldn't want to live with him again not until he's stop drinking for a proven long period..

You are an incredibly stubborn person? So stop being stubborn. Start instituting less stubborn actions in your everyday life. You hit people when you are emotional? Learn to control yourself. You can think of a million reasons to why you act like this, but THEY ARE NOT excuses. Same with his drinking. If he just learned to deal without damaging himself and his health, he would be much better off. It's a cop out though. It's a cop out to hide behind reasons like you are too stubborn to justify your actions. They don't justify it and you are wrong.

I have done, and will make sure I am more aware of my actions, become the patient and balanced person I know I can be and really want to be. I have been violent towards him and have the potential to be a very violent person but it was my upbringing and the norm to me but I am very very aware that I could end up somebody I try hard not to be and and like I said to sirwagginston it only happened on 3 occasions. No excuse I know it was so very very wrong, I do regret it.

You don't need anybody in your life to be happy. You should want them in your life to enhance your happiness. If you are unhappy with being on your own, you will never be happy with being with somebody else. Now's the time to work on yourself and fix those glaring flaws. They can be fixed and they will take a serious conscious effort. Use this time to enhance yourself, being working out to be healthy, pursuing advancement in jobs and school, and finding things that make you happy for your mental health. You can't help how you feel, you can't help to think about him, but you can put your best effort in moving forward and doing things for you.

I get this, and think it's great advice. I was happy when we broke up felt like a huge weight lifted and I became a new person and everybody has noticed. I have been happy since until the last week and that's because I now know what I did to him. At the most for the moment I just want to be friends because I can keep the distance emotionally I need to help him through his drinking.

[brokenhe@rted]

He doesn't drink because he's had a hard life. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. Get him some help - please.

Swings and roundabouts.. He has all the help he could need he just finds reasons to stay where he is.

[Gigabitch]

You want to go back to him because you're a codependent person. Get some help and stop immersing yourself in the problems and drama of broken people.

[Mathias]

Swings and roundabouts.. He has all the help he could need he just finds reasons to stay where he is.

Help as in professional help. Not a codependent person who thrives on it.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'm still not convinced that the reason you want to go back to him is to help him. sounds to me like he has some other girl around, you are upset and jealous, so now you are trying to think of excuses to go back to him. he's on a drinking binge and could die within the year? i'm sorry, but if you guys have all of these mutual friends, why are you the only one that could help him? and honestly, it doesn't matter what you try to do to help him, if he doesn't want to help himself, he's doomed no matter what. alcoholics only get better when they admit that they have a drinking problem and seek out help on their own. almost every other case, interventions, forced rehab, etc. leads to drinking again.

you're not his mommy, why are you interested in being with such a self-destructive person?

[alovehangoverr]

I agree with everyone who has pointed out your co-dependency issues & I also suggest you get some seriously help, without him in the picture.

To be honest.. the relationship sounds extremely unhealthy. You with your depression issues, him with his alcoholism, & all of it ending with harsh words & you hitting him.

Yeah.. working past that is going to be difficult, if not impossible. It really seems like you've just grown dependent on the relationship.. which is understandable to an extent after being with someone for 4 years.. but falling into old habits is never a good thing.

So, leave him alone-- because really, he has some serious issues he needs to handle on his own.. mainly his alcoholism. Having a "hard life" isn't an excuse for an addiction. Plenty of people have difficult lives but don't turn toward alcohol and drugs to cope. You said you thought you were making excuses for him? That would be because you are. So, knock it off.

Get yourself some help & move on with your life.. without the extra baggage of this guy.

[brokenhe@rted]

Swings and roundabouts.. He has all the help he could need he just finds reasons to stay where he is.

Swings and roundabouts that he drinks cos he's had a hard life and that he's an alcoholic. He hasn't stayed where he is, he's improved dramatically but does end up going back but it's not an over night fix to stop drinking, if I had realised this earlier we wouldn't have ended up tearing each other up so badly.

[brokenhe@rted]

You want to go back to him because you're a codependent person. Get some help and stop immersing yourself in the problems and drama of broken people.

I read a lot about codependency when we were together and made a point of not supporting his behaviour or covering for him. I have great self esteem and have always been happy on my own. I don't do drama, which is why I'm on here talking to you guys and not my friends or family. I don't do screaming, shouting or crying, which is why I am so ashamed of myself for hitting him. I am a very private person and like my life to be balanced. We both dealt with what happened to us in our on ways and never came together to help each other which is why it ended. We are both very happy now and think it will be time to start again, yeah he's still an alcoholic and always will be, it's likely there will be slip ups but it's how we handle them that will matter.

[brokenhe@rted]

i'm still not convinced that the reason you want to go back to him is to help him. sounds to me like he has some other girl around, you are upset and jealous, so now you are trying to think of excuses to go back to him. he's on a drinking binge and could die within the year? i'm sorry, but if you guys have all of these mutual friends, why are you the only one that could help him? and honestly, it doesn't matter what you try to do to help him, if he doesn't want to help himself, he's doomed no matter what. alcoholics only get better when they admit that they have a drinking problem and seek out help on their own. almost every other case, interventions, forced rehab, etc. leads to drinking again.

you're not his mommy, why are you interested in being with such a self-destructive person?

I don't want to help him I want to support him, like I should have done before. I stopped being angry at him and realised that my behaviour brought him down further. He is on his own with his drinking I have told him I will not be around him if he drinks and he understands that, told him I will give him all the support he needs but I will not wait around forever. He is doing better than what people have been gossiping about him, and he has a plan which I am sure he's more than capable of doing on his own. I appreciate all the advice given even and fully understand what's been pointed out even if some of it wasn't very eloquently put, but I feel that it's wrong to be so jaded that people can't change and that relationships can't be saved.