my experiences.. i just need to ventttt

[alexa trama]

i dont know how i fell in love. realistically i dont have myself together to love someone besides myself. and its like if you dont love yourself 100% how could you possibly love someone else completely? i think most people get blinded by what they want. most of us do want to fall in love so we can know what love feels like. we think it'll help our future, but does it? or does it just make us all worse and more ****ed up? because love does last forever, but two people together? thats rare. ive had past boyfriends who i would never considering falling in love with, i liked them that was about it. and probably for all the wrong reasons. then theres this one guy or girl you find and you fall in love with. but you fall in love with who you think they are.. but once you get further into your relationship they change? and they're not that person anymore. how do you get them back? you usaully dont.. because that was basically all an act. in the beginning you usaully have your guard up and they work and work and work till they finally get it down. and then you open up, you tell them everything.. you tell them things people like your bestfriend dont know about you. you tell them point blank usaully everything. what are the chances they'll walk away? very high. what are the chances you'll take them back? even higher. you learn who this person is more and more everyday but you dont look at the things he or she has done to hurt you, you look at the things that person does to keep you around whenever they need you. but of course you dont think that, you think they actually love you back. and yeah maybe they do.. maybe this isnt the way your relationships are. but in my point of view this is how it looks. i've been beaten down to the core, trust doesnt exist, i look at a couple and say oh hes cheating on her. why? because of love. and because i got hurt. because i let my gaurd down when i promised myself i wouldnt. it feels like the more you let them know your always going to be their for them, the further they drift away. everything becomes your fault. their actions, other peoples actions, and your own become your problem not theirs. why? because they simply dont care and dont want to deal with it. i would never regret any of my relationships with any of the guys in my past.. and the guy in my presents because yes they have damaged a part of me each one of them and took away things that i wish i still kept but thinking optomistically they made you stronger. every tear, every smile, every time you felt sad, lonely, depressed, happy, laughed, all that.. they made you feel every emotion there is. they just got you ready for what most relationships are going to be like. i've also learned people just give up so easy.. "im done" is a word i hear so often. its like thats the only word he knows how to say. and honestly, i dont know how people say it if they claim there in "love" it basically just proves you arent. i dont know what people get out of tossing that word around, or breaking down someones world. does it make them feel better about themselves? haaaa. cheating, flirting that kinda bullshit. i dont get it. your in love? why are you flirting, most guys excuse is "im not flirting, its just my personality." and when you ask them to stop.. "i didnt even notice i was flirting." ha its just all bullshit. because flirting can lead into more then just flirting and most of the time it does. it can lead into cheating, and if your gonna cheat honestly why are you with that person? why are you telling them you love them? because clearly now you look stupid and you look ****ed up. you give the one you love so many chances because you cant imagine your life without them. but how many chances does that person deserve until you finally are done? for me, its too many.. too many to count. and they get used to having so many chances to **** everything up some more. the person you fell in love with is now the person you want to hate.. love is stupid. love is ignorant. and love is pointless. love yourself, because thats all you really got.

id appreciate comments, related expriences etc thanks !!