relationship dilemma!!

[Lincsguy]

Hi, So the background first. I was engaged to this girl and in a relationship for 3 and a half years. She left me earlier this year and i had to move house into a shared house and she took half my stuff. My housemate and i became close as friends getting to know each other whilst i had fun with other girls to help me get over my ex. Then at a party me and my housemate got together and told each other we had feelings for each other. Now were seeing each other and things started well.

Last week we went out for a meal and after went for a drive and she told me about her past (which i knew some of but didnt no the whole story). She told me her grandad abused her when she was younger throughout her childhood and since has only ever had one boyfriend besides me. I know shes had sex before with her ex and others from her school but she isn't being intimate with me. I told her i would wait for her until she was ready and comfortable but after two months i'm finding it difficult to wait. Am i being selfish? I would be happy to wait but she doesnt talk to me about how shes feeling or whats going on between us. And obviosuly beign male i like being intimate not just for the normal reasons but for being close to another person and feeling connected.

Shes a very independant woman and sees friends a lot in the week and family. We spend most weekends together and as we live together normally catch each other during the night. Last night she came in and said "Hey mate" which really confused me as thats not something you say in a relationship? We have only slept in the same bed once in 2 months as well and the lack of intimacy is starting to get to me. I like to kiss, cuddle and do more but dont want to hurt her. My sister said i should talk to her about it but my friends say i will scare her off and suggested i should try it on with her to see what happens. I don't know what to do and dont want to hurt her but i want our realtionship to move forwards. I'm not asking for sex straight away but 'fooling around' and exploring each other or just cuddling in bed would be good. Please help Thanks

[xxazurexx]

If she's had sex with other guys, then she obviously doesn't have a problem in being close up and intimate with men.

Therefore and you might not like this part, I'm thinking that she doesn't want to have sex with you and because she isn't feeling it for you sexually. ...or she is confused about her feelings for you. The fact she called you 'Mate', which is how people refer to a 'friend', makes me think that this is all she is seeing you as, a friend. At the moment, this is all you two are really....friends.

I suggest before you do anything, that you talk to her in regard to what she is truly feeling for you and to be honest with you.

[Lincsguy]

Thanks thats what i thought, that she still sees me as a friend. We have a mutual friend, and she told me that shes very happy with our relationship and im a gentleman for not pushing her. I've met her family as well so i saw that as a positive sign but then doesnt want to know the rest of the time. Also my last girlfriend used to text me all the time when she was at work but my girlfriend now doesnt seem interested in texting. Should i move on?

[xxazurexx]

I'd talk to her about it all first I think. Tell her you would appreciate her full honesty on the matter, that you want to know where you stand if anywhere with her and if this is going places or not and because you don't want to waste any further time on her, if it isn't. Just be totally straight with her and if she gets pissy, then that will prove she isn't into the relationship as you'd thought. Any female who did care for you/truly had feelings would hear you out, be understanding of what it is you are saying and they would take the steps needed to work IMO.

If she is insistent that she does have feelings, etc, then give it another chance with her. But if she continues to stall on the intimate stuff, if it's making you unhappy then walk away.

If she really cares, she'd soon be back.

[Lincsguy]

yeah i should talk to her, just scared ill scare her off. And i dont want to get hurt again. My ex really messed me up, leaving me out of the blue. but my new girlfriend helped me alot and a part of me wants to return the help by waiting and being patient. But she doesnt even give me a chance to be intimate or close with her but our mutual firend told me that she sed "it will happen when it will happen" but if she doesnt give us a chance to get into that situation then how can it happen? Am i being a typical male moaning about sex?

[xxazurexx]

Dont be afraid to lose her. If she will walk away that easily, then she proves that she didn't care about you anyway. Be glad if she walks away, saves you wasting further time on her and free to find someone worthy of your attention and love.

Like I said, if she's had sex with other guys, she is not immune to being intimate and showing love and when she feels love. Because she isn't showing you the same love she showed previous guys, I'd say you had a right to be concerned.

I guess something else you need to think about though is, how long did it take her to be intimate with her ex/other guys? Was she hurt by her ex? If she rushed in and was hurt, perhaps she is being cautious and wants to be 100% sure of your feelings and before she does get further involved. This is why you should talk to her.

[Mathias]

You have to have this talk correctly, though. You can't make it seem like you're desperate for her to be with you - even if that's not your intention, it'll be easy to give off that impression.

[Alex love]

Hi Lincsguy,

xxazurexx has given some really good advice hear, about the strength of directness and honesty in you relationship, its definitely worth talking to her about how you feel. And don't be afraid to be completely honest and open

Before talking to her though, it might be worth taking an hour or so, by yourself, in nature preferably, and considering your life in full. Understanding that the part she plays in your life is not for you to dictate, or try to control, and reach a point where you are ready to let her go if she only sees you as a friend.

Given her circumstances, she no doubt has an unsusual relationship to sex. No, she isn't a virgin, but you don't yet understand (and may never fully understand) what sex means to her Make sure when you talk to her that you give her as much space as she needs to express this to whatever extent she wants. If you can tell her how you feel, and make your decisions, without trying to manipulate her, you'll find that the relationship will become stronger (even if its only as friends)...

Essentially, make sure she understands first and foremost that whatever happens, you wont stop loving her and respecting her, and that you aren't trying to turn her into something she doesn't want to be

Good luck!

[Lincsguy]

Thanks for all the advice

I do want to be with her even if we take a long time to have an intimate realtionship. I've also told her if she wants to talk about her past or her anxieties which i know she suffers from then im there for her but she doesnt open up to me and be honest with me. Also my ex and me had a good sexual relationship and experimented and even though we had a rubbish relationship when we had sex i felt connected with her. And i know i shouldnt compare, as thats not fair on my girlfriend but i'm struggling to be the gentleman and wait.

thanks everyone.

[Fene]

Thanks for all the advice

I do want to be with her even if we take a long time to have an intimate realtionship. I've also told her if she wants to talk about her past or her anxieties which i know she suffers from then im there for her but she doesnt open up to me and be honest with me. Also my ex and me had a good sexual relationship and experimented and even though we had a rubbish relationship when we had sex i felt connected with her. And i know i shouldnt compare, as thats not fair on my girlfriend but i'm struggling to be the gentleman and wait.

thanks everyone.

Let us know how things go after the little talk.. Good luck!